Advent is Truly a Miraculous Adventure

As 2020 draws to a close, we reflect on a year that was for most of us mixed with unexpected blessings and unexpected sorrows. Perhaps both are necessary to prepare us both for our eternal home and a deeper joy in this life.

This Advent is unique for me..I journeyed with the Magnificat Companion. And actually I had not intended on it. I originally ordered it for a friend and that manufacturer said it could be past Nov. 29 before it was delivered.  So I tried to cancel the order and in the meantime picked up a copy at a local religious bookstore and mailed it to my friend. Ironically, the other copy came as well and I asked him to drop off the extra copy in my box. I received it just in time to start on Nov. 29.

And what an adventure it has been...from unexpected meetings to unexpected phone calls. And in the process, layer's being removed and fears discovered. For me..the most surprising thing is how much of an undercurrent fear plays in my action and inaction. Certainly love has also motivated me but I just did not realize that fear was so strong. I guess the quiet allows each of us to reflect...if we take the opportunity to do so.

I will start with the beginning and then my own personal discoveries.  Oftentimes, what appears as one thing is often another thing nuanced. For example the story about Adam and Eve.  Aside from the serpent's deception and guile, I would like to look at Adam and Eves response.  Certainly disobedience was there but it was also FOMO perhaps. Fear of missing out. If this fruit opened eyes and provided wisdom and one could be like God knowing both good and evil...then if they don't eat it they will stay ignorant. Certainly they knew God and what he had said and enjoyed but what if there was something more? They would have consulted God with this dilemma first. They had no reason to doubt his goodness..yet FOMO won the day.

Then their eyes were opened and when they heard the Lord they hid out of fear. Then they feared taking responsibility and feared God and started to cast blame around. Fear prompts a whole host of behaviors and thoughts that are sinful..but the genesis may always be fear. Certainly fear is good in some instances as an alert..but if our response generally speaking is love then we are never filled with angst or fear. No matter what the consequences are.

So now to the personal. I would venture to say that most people on a superficial level think I am a fairly courageous woman. And to some degree I do believe I have been blessed with this gift thru temperament and circumstance. 

However, what appears as courage sometimes...not all the time of course..is under laden with fear. When I am doing something that I believe is Gods will then it is much easier to be courageous. But when the motivation turns to my own needs as the primary focus...well for sure that can be fear.

I tend to be fairly proactive with friends but sometimes it is to be in control of how much company I have. I fear the silence sometimes. I fear finding out what happens if I don't do this. Thankfully, Covid has afforded the luxury of more submissiveness and humility. Probably traits that need a bit more attention in my temperament. 

I also tend to use my reasoning and detachment as means of protecting myself. I fear rejection and I fear being taken advantage of..I fear caring deeply and hurting deeply. But alas..this where this Advent is a huge blessing. The adventure has led me outside my comfort zone of control and fear..trusting God and letting him lead but doing so with trepidation at times. But there are many moments and in particular now...that I feel this sense of hope and joy that makes it easier to be open to God and his love and then in turn be loving in my actions.

Reading the Magnificat Companion, the book given out by my Parish named the Hidden Power of Kindness and praying and also praying the rosary  have been a huge blessing for me. Having faith and letting time and Grace happen is also a huge blessing.  The reward is that this adventure has led me to a deeper peace, a deeper joy and a deeper love.

And that is more than I have dared hope for in Advents past.  Christmas is coming....are you ready? Are you ready for transformative miracles? No matter what the outcome of the days are whether joyful, sorrowful or a mixture of both..we always have the choice to say no to fear and yes to love. May the serenity that surpasses our understanding bless you during these last few days of Advent and give you the deepest joy in opening your heart to remembering the miracle of God becoming human...in the form of baby Jesus. 

Advent is a truly a miraculous adventure.

Trusting in the Mystery and Love

It is the last day of the year and also the Christmas season. The decorations are still out and we still marvel at the word made flesh in a baby. Baby Jesus.

How lovely it is to have both a year end and start with Christmas. This is my end of year reflection that I started a few days ago and can finally tweak and publish today.  I am hoping that what I share inspires you to be bold and persevere. Sometimes things don't work out the way we hope but more often than not things do eventually work out in a time and in a way you simply can not see in the present.

We plant seeds that bloom in a year or 10 or some may take a lifetime. I know nothing that tests faith for me like waiting for a long anticipated event to happen...sometimes it seems it may not be meant to be.

This year was an explosion for me of fun firsts and many long anticipated firsts. It also has its challenges that caused good growth in December.

Chronologically reflecting..it did seem like I knew this year would be good. I just never realized how good.

It started with a NYE party. I went to a similar venue but had a unique..never before experience.  After dancing with friends for about an hour or two...I noticed a gentleman walk in who riveted me.  I noticed his persona immediately.

He seemed very at ease with himself and then saw him begin dancing on the dance floor after a little while.

This went on for an hour or so. Long story short..he made his way to me and we danced and talked the rest of the night. 

At midnight we kissed and then danced and talked some more. I don't think I had ever had anything that magical. Although his life stage at that time I found out later would preclude "dating".  I did appreciate the experience.

In March, we disconnected as I took a trip to New Zealand. Something I had been talking about wanting to do for at least 10 years. It was as beautiful and a desirable place as I had imagined.

I had anticipated that I would have to cut down trees that lined the property line between my neighbor and myself prior to embarking on this project. I tried to negotiate this with my neighbor and the city with little luck. I had wanted to do this project about 15 years prior.  When I discovered I did not have to do this..I could embark on this project.

After New Zealand, I  came back and soon obtained bids and design plans to begin a new driveway and front walkway remodel. In late May we broke ground and the 2 month project completed and I was finally able to comfortably park my car in the driveway. It was a mere 15 year wait.

Around the same time, I also booked a trip to Chicago around this time for early August to visit a friend and catch a couple of Cubs games in the interim. That was not a first but what follows is amazing.

After my project was ending..I thought I should cancel my trip as my best friend was being pulled out of town and would not be there in early August...and then

in the midst of this on July 1, I decided my happenstance to check Ancestry DNA. I had taken this test a few years ago in the hopes of finding my biological father and his side of the family.

I discovered that a first cousin on my fathers side had tested on Ancestry DNA. This turned out to be the most significant discovery and life change of my entire year and certainly one of the tops of my life.

As background, I was adopted by my stepfather when I was 5. I did not remember my father but knew that my step father was not my father. I heard some stories my mom had told me about my real dad but it was limited as my adopted dad became upset when she talked about him. She said he had passed. I was not sure if this was true or not but did not question it.

I was curious about who he might have been but just shelved it for the most part. Then the biggest life change happened. My mom fell ill and passed when I was 16 just shy of 17. My world turned upside down...I was soon living with my older cousin who became my legal guardian and the father figure had became even more lacking.

After I recovered enough with the help of an incredible friend and some kind teachers..I landed in college after graduation. Out in the farm land,  U of I provided the space and the quiet I needed to just think and study. At 20 I began to try to find my search for my biological father. I wrote to the AMA to get the number and address of the doctor that delivered me. I got a letter back saying the doctor had passed a few years back.

I thought about hiring a private detective but with a name and that's all..I just thought it too improbable. Part of my curiosity was my mom had me at 42. Doubtful my dad had no prior life before..deceased or not. I could have half siblings..being an only child that possibility drew me in.

As I navigated my way through young adulthood and moved to California. My search and curiosity was sidelined. Goals took front and center..the concrete I attained..buying a house, remodeling it..while finding someone I would feel comfortable marrying eluded me. 

In my early 30's I changed my name back to my mothers maiden name as my adoptive father had disappeared from my life for over a decade now.

The normal up and downs happened. Then late 2009 another shift occurred, I found out my stepfather had passed two years earlier in a horrible way. Without getting into those details..that journey of righting a wrong also lead me in earnest to try and find the story of my real father and that side of the family. With the internet I began searching his name, talking to organizations but I kept coming up with zero. Angelo Lazo was nowhere to be found. I kept at it until DNA became popular and in mid 2015..I tested. 

I kept looking up matches but all I found were distant matches that led nowhere and a second cousin on my moms side.

It was easy to tell who was who. Greece and the balkans/ Eastern European and Native American, Spanish, French.

I hired an investigator in 2017 and tried to reach out to a second cousin who finally tested on my dads side. Nothing.

I kept checking and thought maybe this was just not meant to be..an entire lifetime looking. Then..a first male cousin tested in May of this year 2019..and I discovered it July 1. I reached out and nothing. But now I was armed with his name.

I researched online voraciously. Lazaro was the last name. I found a deceased aunts obituary..but she was Albanian..huh? My mom said my dad was Greek.  But I had to follow the threads. Her brother, my father, Angelo Lazaro was mentioned and..his two sons Michael and Matthew. Gulp..I have two half brothers.

I kept on and realized my biological father died in 2013. I saw that the family business warehouse was only 6 blocks away from where I grew up.

So much to process...so many mysteries answered. My huge step was calling my brother Matthew. I decided to call him instead of Michael. As it turns out he would not have been available as he is in the beginning stages of dementia and his wife would ultimately not be open at this time.

I finally mustered the courage and called. He answered the phone and the conversation went much better than expected. He told me things that made sense..that Angelo had always wanted to be Greek..that they attended a Greek Orthodox Church. And things that surprised me..that he was an alcoholic. 

The second conversation was bumpy..but I wanted to meet him since I was already coming to Chicago. As fate would have it..I never canceled the trip and it came at just the right time after this life changing discovery.  So he agreed and we met.  Matthew should me pictures of my dad and even videos. It was surreal. 

I could not have planned this. And the long anticipated discovery happened. 

After this..the rest of the year saw me bolder. I attended the first retreat with my Catholic group end of August...and in September began hosting people at my home for dinners.

In the interim, I had been leading prayers for a friend battling ovarian cancer. She pulled through a huge rough patch and made it her birthday celebration in October.  This was the first time I was so intimately involved in praying, visiting and supporting someone who was battling an illness that only a miracle would cure. 

November saw me cook my first Turkey ever and host my first Thanksgiving ever. 

December came and my firsts were much more challenging. At first the fun continued by joining a winery with a friend( first time).

But I was sensing something was not right with my friend battling the ovarian cancer. I instinctively checked the obituaries and then came word she was in hospice and now we prayed for peace and comfort. She passed the next night. 

The first surrender of a long fight and the first visitation since my mothers death. During the visitation and funeral a challenging friend was making unreasonable demands. It was an exhausting time.

A brief repose Christmas Eve as a couple of friends and I booked a trip to Ireland for next May 2020...God willing celebrating our bdays there..a definite first.:-)

Christmas came with its own challenges as a guest got sick whom I had over. Before I could rap my head around that..the news came that an Airbnb guest who had been staying at my home for almost two weeks had unexpectedly passed. He was booked the room through mid January.

Such an intense miraculous year was ending with a reminder that it is a fleeting and unpredictable journey we are on.

That graces happen when you least expect them and even sad and challenging times bring out sides of you that are beneficial to you and everyone who crosses your path.

And on this NYE..I am still grateful. Things don't always work out as you hope and pray..but they do work out.  The Author of Life embraces our heartbreak and journeys with us in our redemption. 

Tonight we celebrate another year passing and another beginning. I am grateful for this temporary journey and open to what lies ahead. Trusting, listening, and learning more.  Acting with more prudence and more awareness. Where the road leads in 2020..I am not sure.

But the miracles of this year for me..I am soo grateful for. May God bless you and yours as we embark on a new year and decade. Trusting in the mystery and love.

Epiphany

It's amazing to me that I could be Catholic for so long and not know what this feast means until now. That alone should keep me humble, knowing that I know so little it constitutes not knowing at all for all practical purposes:-).

The feast of the Epiphany is the next to last day of Christmas and celebrates when the Magi followed the star all the way to where the baby Jesus was with Mary. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh and did him homage. They recognized that this infant was God incarnate. For more information on this special day here is a good article on the celebration:

http://www.bworldonline.com/content.php?section=Opinion&title=The-Epiphany&id=44655

Because Epiphany is such a powerful word, I looked for definitions of what it means. Here is what I found. The first two are from Wikepedia. I have attached the link for those who want full context:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany

The word epiphany originally referred to insight through the divine.[6] Today, this concept is used much more often and without such connotations, but a popular implication remains that the epiphany is supernatural, as the discovery comes suddenly from the outside.

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, "manifestation, striking appearance") is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture," or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or numinous foundational frame of reference.

And one last from www.dictionary.com: e·piph·a·ny

1. ( initial capital letter ) a Christian festival observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
2. an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
4. a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.

Origin:
1275-1325; Middle English epiphanie < Late Latin epiphanīaepipháneia, Greek: apparition, equivalent to epi- epi- + phan- (stem of phaínein to appear) + -eia -y3

Epiphany (holiday), a Christian holiday on January 6 celebrating the visit of the Magi to the infant Jesus Epiphany (feeling), a sudden realization of great truth.

For me, after reading these articles, I feel epiphanies are rare. In a sense we are always seeking and discovering new realities both collectively and individually, but rarely is that final piece revealed.

If our life is a puzzle then we are always collecting and putting a new piece in. We see more clearly what the picture is but more often than not we don't see the whole picture. That could range from a broad question like, "What is the purpose of my life?", to a very specific question like, "Why do certain people enter my life?" or "Who has God willed to be my mate?". We seek answers and get some confirmations. We can see some reasons, but rarely do we see the whole picture.

This first week of the new year for me, I have received lots of signs. The first is in what I have received unexpectedly in career options and deeper friendship connections. Later, some very powerful and unexpected feelings were revealed to me. Finally, prayers were answered and signs pointed me to someone, and doors closed away from others. The purpose, reason and outcome I do not know. What I do know is that God/Love has milestones in mind for me this year. He has prepared my heart.

As we journey in this life not knowing what the next moment will bring and not knowing when our efforts will pay off, let us trust in the divine voice that resides in us. Let's trust it to guide us through the light and dark moments. To trust that step by misstep, if we hold on to God and Love as much as we can in this life, we will eventually see the Epiphany.

The Abandonment Washes Away

Christmas is in essence such a time of joy. Yet accepting the season into our lives can sometimes be quite difficult. Personally, this season has been bittersweet every year that I can ever remember. When I was a youngster, I wished I had a larger family. When as a teenager I lost the little family I had, I longed for any family. And as an adult, I have mourned that deeper connection to a larger group no matter how I ended up spending Christmas.

Sometimes I spent it with the large family of my boyfriend at the time; those were probably the best Christmases I remember. Sometimes I spent it with my extended, and yet still small, family in Peru. Sometimes I spent it with a married friend's large family, sometimes with just one close friend and, not often (thank God), I have sometimes spent it alone.

My closest and wisest friends saw in my life a recurring theme: that I could not commit to and depend on someone. It wasn't a choice, really. There were always two forces at work: my love of my freedom which was with me ever since I can remember and, more to the core, the emotional loss of my mom at such a young and critical age that it left me wary of getting too attached to any one person or family. It's like abandonment was right around the corner, so I had to leave before I was left. I could never see it, but some of them could. It seems you can never see things clearly until you are ready.

It really boils down to trying to be in control -- trying to control the outcome and being prepared for all the possible options -- versus just letting things be. Now don't get me wrong: we all have choices and some amount of control about where those choices will lead. But we don't have control over the real reasons as to why we do the things we do and, in the end, we don't have control over many outcomes. (In my example: when my mother would be taken away.)

This lack of control and how we abandon and are abandoned is always most painful in our relationships. You can choose to put in effort, apologize when you make a mistake, be funny and interesting, be forgiving, and be whatever adjective you think it takes to have a deep, meaningful connection that lasts forever, and you could still end up divorced, never married, or essentially friendless at any point in time. Even if all your intimate relationships could be successful and everlasting, you will lose them through death eventually. That sounds horrific at first glance, but is it?

Jesus is, for Christians, our savior, our God. He is the model of perfect love, our teacher of perfect intimacy both with God and with one another. For others, He may simply be a folkloric wise man, taking any account of his life and who He really was as, at best, embellished, the gist of the truth likely getting lost in translation. But regardless of where your eyes fit on who He was, He is the most influential man that walked that planet:

We celebrate His birthday like no other. We celebrate His death and resurrection like no other, and we mention His name -- whether to give praise or take it in vain -- like no other. There is no question He is like no other.

So let's look at His intimate relationships. First with His Father, God. He put His relationship with God, as well as God's desires, first always. He put God above His earthly mom and foster dad. He put God above His friends and ultimately above Himself. So let's look at what that showed people of who God is: Jesus dined and communed with "sinners," He washed the apostles' feet, He preached and chastised, He expressed compassion, loneliness, and anger, losing patience at times. Yet He always showed His desire for intimacy and love with God and with the tribes of Israel and then ultimately with as many as asked of or would receive Him.

What was His reward at some critical moments in His life? Well, Peter denied Him three times, and all His friends abandoned him at one point. People spoke badly about Him and claimed he was possessed. He was homeless when he went preaching from town to town. His own kinsmen and the religious leaders of His day wanted Him crucified. He let it happen against His natural and good desire to live and allowed Himself to be crucified. And then on the cross, following His Father's will to the end, even to humiliation, physical and verbal abuse, and a painful death, what were some of His final words? "Father, why have you forsaken me?" I can't imagine how that moment must have felt for Jesus.

Abandonment, even temporarily, is devastating to most of us. Depending on the circumstances, we find it hard to trust again, and not just the individual responsible; we find it hard to trust someone new. And in essence we find it hard to trust God/love, ultimately, because He allowed it to happen.

Part of intimacy is allowing the undesirable to happen knowing that God/love will ultimately take care of us in the end. In these moments of joy and anguish in our closest relationships with each other and with God, let us take a moment and really see the baby Jesus and know He trusted us first. And that in the end if we turn back to God and each other, the abandonment washes away.