Forgiveness

 

Rarely is this voice heard or if heard respected. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, to the injuring party and to the world. In this Easter Season there have been many moments I found joy, lightness and openness and many times I have felt loss, aloneness and pain. That is the process leading to forgiveness. Sometimes there are patterns that repeat itself in relationships and you have to stop the pattern. And sometimes stopping that pattern requires saying true things that change the other's perspective and the way they choose to move forward or not. When this pattern for you finally ends, you may feel relief.  

But a choice follows.

You can choose to blame yourself, the other person or God or life circumstances, your parents or all or part or a myriad of other options or you can just choose to forgive everyone you blamed.

There is a freedom in forgiving yourself, the other person and your false concept of God (or whomever else you blamed). It lifts the cloud and makes you light. It allows you to face the music and let others handle things their own way. It allows you to let go and move on. What follows is that you open to new experiences,  new people, and to God in a different way. You open to whatever comes or does not come your way. It frees you to see that sometimes you don't see and so you forgive that too,

Forgiveness takes many forms. The past is one..the present is another and the future requires another. Sometimes you will fail in the moment but the goal remains the same. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

For me and God..I think I took the signs as an answer. Perhaps the answer was to open up and keep walking through problems over and over again because I kept seeing signs and progress. I have to believe the purpose is growth now. Many beautiful gifts come from a failed relationship. But I have to be honest and say..in hindsight I would have stopped walking through the problems a long long time ago. On the other hand, I learned to the very end something very valuable had I not walked through the problems until I could no more. In any case God uses every choice the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly for His grand purpose. And I am grateful I don't get to know or judge.

If it took this experience to learn the beauty, the power and the healing effect of forgiveness then it was well worth it.  It's a muscle I will have to use over and over for myself and others. I hope to give God the reins fully one day..it seems to work for a lot of people but that process for me now still requires  discernement, pondering and the free will choice to continue down this path of faith.

One day I will look back and say this major shift led to this wonderful new path and the timing was right and it never would have been if this other thing did not happen or end when it did or the way it did. 

Forgiveness is what drew me back to faith. The famous passage while Jesus was hanging on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  That touched me in a way nothing else did when I came to know the purpose of life. Give that voice/whisper a chance.  Forgiveness is one of the more beautiful gifts God has taught us about and it works.

Rise From the Dead

Happy Resurrection Sunday! In today's gospel Lazarus is raised from the dead after being in the tomb 4 days by Jesus.

 Jesus knew that this delay would be to glorify God.

Jesus also loved Lazarus and his sisters so He wept. Then raising His eyes to heaven he said in a loud voice to rise and walk out.

John 11:1-45

Perhaps this scripture can give us some insight on how to handle our CV crisis.

God is infinitely and exponentially more powerful and  than this or any virus. And where science leads and teaches us..the gap to God's love and power and peace is gargantuan.

There is no doubt this is a precarious time for us as a global community and country. We all process information differently and have our own unique trigger points.

Our economy is shut down and many of us are physically isolated. We are concerned for those at risk and want to protect them.

But where is God in this for you? Our fear may drive us to Him in desperation or away from Him toward science and logic and of course some no only don't believe but have disdain for Him..why would He allow this? How could Jesus allow Lazarus to die? How could God allow his only begotten son Jesus to go thru the passion and Crucifixion?

In this scripture..a tragedy was allowed so we could glorify God. How can we glorify God thru this ordeal?

Jesus wept. How can we show compassion and also weep? 

Jesus acted by looking to the heavens and raising Lazarus from the dead. How can we raise our eyes to heaven and act to save lives?  Most of our roles are to sit at home and physically isolate. How can we glorify God and raise our eyes to heaven even if this all we do? Perhaps if we do, HE can inspire us do other things as well. We are designed to help in our unique ways. Let's allow God to magnify that.

We all have faith that we can help and that this will pass. This is the good that God has instilled in us. This CV crisis has connected all of us..worldwide in a way few things could have. Jesus coming back would be one. :-)

But how much more can we do if we put Him first?

He is constantly calling us but we have the choice to ignore and follow our own self direction. He has created us to be free. It is a collective choice we have made more often than not to be self directed..it is our human condition. And so perhaps we are here because of our choices.

So I am here advocating for us to make different choices. Who is first now? Science? Logic? Denial? Yourself? Your family? The common good? 

Almost none of these are bad things. But none should be first. God should be first. Why?

Well let's drill down a bit. The author of life and the Universe promises peace. Peace be with you. Will you get their with one quick prayer, or a rosary or family prayer at night. If this is the first time you are doing it and are not surrendering wholeheartedly...maybe not.

But you have to start from where you are. If you only practice one thing daily let it be your anchor.

The rosary may be your anchor if the Eucharist and Eucharistic adoration are not available. Just know we all have an anchor to the divine and no one can take that away...not even CV.

If the  Scientists, the President, the Surgeon General you and me anchor ourselves to God how much more correct can our thoughts and actions be?  Even though we are in a very precarious position, panic and fear that are an engine unto itself will not lead us to make the best choices. Sometimes we have to act fast but more often that not calm will help much more.

Who can lead us? God. He is ready, willing and able to help. Do we have faith that He can?  Can He help the scientists get inspired after sweating it out to come up with an anti-viral that works at least some of the time at least. How about a concoction of antivirals that helps more while we wait for the breakthrough? There are a myriad of other solutions. It can happen and it will..perhaps exponentially faster if we lean into GOD.

If God leads we will NOT want to party on or be so holed up in our house that we don't look for safe ways to help others. We will stop keeping the focus on ourselves to the point where it hinders us to do things that help others as HE inspires us and at worst paralyzes us.

How does panic help us devise solutions in the future to get back to work, keep those vulnerable safe and allow them time to get some fresh air without us putting them and each other in harm's way?

We can do sooo much but, how much more can we do with God's help? He is already trying to help and sometimes we are so caught up in panic and charts that we can't just stop and see what He is trying to do. He has the answers so why not ask, and then let Him lead as we get to work.

This crisis will pass but we will create another if we can't put God first. 

It is both ironic and a blessing that this is happening during Lent. Jesus was in the wilderness alone praying for 40 days. We are following him more closely now than most of us ever have.

For once we can stop, pray and surrender all our fears, anxiety, anger, denial or our unique combination of ways that we process this unique challenge. He wants to help you. Will you let Him? Do you have faith? God is good always and if we choose Him, we are choosing good.

That also means suffering. It is part of our redemption. But even in this aspect..surrendering to suffering instead of fighting it ironically means we suffer less.

So I will end with sharing some little miracles that happened this week.  On Monday I had a furuncle or boil removed. I had a lot of subconscious anxiety in the morning. I worked out because I knew I may not be able to for a bit after the procedure. 

This most routine of incisions involves a surgeon. That combined with this unique moment in time (with CV and the shelter in place) and I knew that all the anxieties and pre-occupations most have with this challenging time would make it so that challenge was mine alone to handle with God and precious few others for support. All of this I pushed aside as I prayed and focused where I needed to focus: on God and then on the medical professionals and how I could make this a holy moment. 

In the doctor's office the injections to numb the area around the mass burned and hurt. The cutting and removing the gunk came next. After the procedure, I saw the blood on the dressing and realized yeah its routine but still a procedure.

After it was done I was relieved and felt happy. I thought let me stop by a local church and maybe if the door is open I can pray. So after the 30-40 minute procedure I drove there. The door was open!

I walked inside and much to my amazement they were giving communion. All masses are suspended, and this was being videotaped apparently. I walked right in and received Jesus for the first time in a week. What an amazing blessing. What serendipity! I could not have dared to ask for this grace nor timed it more perfectly. Grace happened.

I cried a bit on the drive home as I looked to the heavens and thanked God. His love is steadfast and true. 

Some people reached out with calls, as did I, and the sense of connection and concern was more magnified.. even with a much smaller circle.

Later in my week amidst my humanity of being responsible and taking care of myself, I had many days of obstacles. I initially failed to turn to God. When I finally did..I was able to more calmly get past the obstacle. 

The blessing's kept coming. My agent sent me a voice over audition..not my specialty but a safe way to continue with that aspect of my call. 

And then the biggest blessing of all, because of YOU sheltering in place not only did I learn that hospitals in the peninsula and SF are NOT experiencing a surge, but by this action YOU allowed that same local church to gain permission from the SMC health oficial to allow communion today this Sunday. This church was allowed because they had ample space outside to keep 6 ft apart and because we are NOT in a dire situation.

Thank YOU for doing your part.

Rain was expected this morning. So as I often say..I don't tempt God so I came with rain gear. It never rained at the 9:30am distribution, a blessing to not stand in the rain.

There were volunteers making sure the 6ft rule was observed and giving hand sanitizer right before receiving communion in your hand. The priest was wearing gloves AND serving the communion with cute little tongs.

And how can I forget..confession. The  6ft spacing and the window was open in the room. I was able to confess. This was the first time I had ever felt so sorry for my sins. It was a confession from the heart. Many of my confessions have been from my head. That was what CV allowed me to do. 

Our collective suffering can be transformed by Love...by God. Jesus showed us the power of love through HIS suffering to create not only Peace but something Salvific. Because Love is Salvific, God can do the same with us now and when this finally passes. Will you join Him and let Him?

Lent will be over soon...holy week awaits.  The Resurrection will come! We all will pass one day and we all will be resurrected one day. The question is will you be ready and can you now... Rise from the Dead.

The Power of Silence

This world can pull us from all sides. We worry about the future, we have people engage us in battle, injustice seems all too prevalent, or we dream and are focused and act on achieving our dream. It can be an intellectual dream to attain further education, a goal in a career or something personal like getting married or starting a family. The noise in our minds can be overpowering. And sometimes getting busy, communicating aimlessly or getting distracted in some way seems like the thing we need to do to silence our minds so we can get away from the anguish of living in the future or ruminating about past mistakes.

Paradoxically the opposite is true. If we sit and are silent, slowly the voices stop. Slowly we let God work and let God in. This is not a luxury; it is necessary. And so in this vein I will end with the noise with a true personal story of when silence saved me.

Long ago when I was in college, the Internet, cell phones, iPhones, Facebook and all the wonders of technology were either in their infancy or not a current inspiration in our world. In those days, I had incredible moments of total faith and dependence on God. This one moment was one of those magical times I will always remember.

I was attending U of I in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois. I could not have been more than 20 or 21 and I was driving back after a weekend trip to Chicago. I was driving an older Honda Civic when suddenly my vehicle locked up and died. I managed to pull off the road away from oncoming traffic. It was about 6pm and it was getting dark. I was on the south side of Chicago in not such a safe part of town. There wasn't any technology to aid me. It is a grace filled moment when you are alone and perceive helplessness and impending danger.

After my brain flooded me with all the catastrophes that could happen, I paused and thought to myself, “Pray.” I made the choice and had to get to a quiet and silent place. My mind quieted and I prayed that someone would come help me. After finishing the prayer, I was at peace sitting in the car.

The noise of my logical mind came back at me," Well you can't just sit here. You have to get out and try to flag someone down." Almost as soon as I got out of the car, I noticed that two gentlemen had already stopped. The first was in front of me in a station wagon. He was a middle-aged professional-looking white man about 35. I will call him Ed, since I can't remember his name.

At first I was relieved but then the noise filled my head:"Oh he could be a pervert. They come in all shapes and sizes you know." Then I turned and noticed someone behind me. He was another middle-aged African-American man in a beat-up pick up truck. That fear was greater, and so I thanked him for stopping and said the gentleman in front was first.

I decided to let the noise go and was friendly and greeted Ed. He asked what had happened and I explained. After looking under the hood he asked if I would like a ride to the gas station and see about my car. I said sure. As I got in the passenger’s side of his station wagon, I began to be talkative and friendly as if he was a long lost family friend. After a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "You are awfully calm." "When I stopped I did not know that you were a young woman and I thought you might be scared." I said as a matter of fact, "Oh, well I knew it was going to be OK, because I prayed." Ed's face went white as a sheet. He then told me his story.

He was in a rush trying to get to a dinner party and was running late. He saw a stranded vehicle and a person out of his peripheral vision and thought, “No, I don't have time to stop unfortunately.” As he passed my car, he felt a knife stab in the heart and a voice say turn back.

He said he was a born again Christian, and it is not often he gets these types of signs but when he does he listens. We bonded immediately. After taking me to the gas station, he took me to meet his wife and children. After socializing for a bit, I asked him to drop me off at the greyhound bus so that I could get back to school. We hugged and knew we would never see each other again, but we were both moved for having gone through a grace filled moment.

In our interior and exterior battles here on this earth, it is my prayer that you and I will take the time to silence the voices. That we take the time to be still and listen. God awaits us in the power of silence.

The Real Power of Prayer

It is often said that communication is key in relationships. I find often that actions speak much louder than words. Whenever I am ambivalent and/or see ambivalence between action and word, it is often the action that will ultimately decide where your heart really is. And there is little point fighting it, for in the end you are either in something or you are not.

Our relationship with God is much the same. We can talk about praying, we can pay lip service to God but unless our action and our body matches our words our heart is not really in it. I have found little and big answers have come in my life when I get down on my knees, pour my heart out to God and in humility ask for guidance or help.

I am digging back to the beginning of my prayer life in sharing one experience with you. I do this in the hope this example of prayer experience will help you as well as re-energize me into what is possible. As we get older, more confident and self sufficient, it is easy to not only lose sight of praying, our communication with God, but also to change our relationship with God. It is certain our relationship with God matures and changes as we go thru life, but I feel that we feel closest to God when we are vulnerable and depend on Him. It mirrors the times we feel closest to one another.

My new found faith started at age 20 and led to my first divine connection in what I refer to as my wallet story. I was a sophomore in college and had just come back from having lunch with a friend at Garcia's Pizza in Champaign, Il. Sometime afterward, I noticed that I could not find my wallet.

So I did the logical thing. First, I looked all over the house. When that yielded nothing, I then retraced my steps as to when and where it was that I had last seen my wallet. It was at Garcia's. I called the restaurant and they had nothing, I then called my friend to see if I had left it in her car and again no luck. Logically, the only other place it could have fallen was in between my friend's car and my home.

I looked outside in the snow and realized I had reached a dead end. Losing the money inside was the least of my concerns. I was worried about my licence, credit cards etc And although I could easily cancel everything and get a new driver's licence, I thought what a pain.

As embarassing as it was to pray for something so small, I decided to do so anyway. While on my knees and next to my bed, I started my prayer my communication. Dear Heavenly Father, I know there are much bigger problems in the world than my lost wallet, and I will understand if this is too trivial for you to address but I have done everything in my power and I can't find it. If you can help me, I would really appreciate it but its ok if you don't because I know this is such a trivial matter. I ask this humbly in Jesus name. My words were the least of my communication as I recall.

My heart, my feelings, my intellect, will and my faith were 100% there. My body langauge was speaking as well. I remember my face and upper body contorting as I as embarassed to ask. And as I prayed, I knew He heard me and that He was there. I felt HIM. As soon as I finished the prayer, I paused and felt warmth and peace envelope me.

A thought then spontaneously came to my mind "Gosh it would be so nice if someone would find my wallet." Minutes later the phone rang and the voice on the other line said "Are you Angela.."and I interjected and said "Yes and you found my wallet right?" "Yes" she said a little perplexed.

I proceeded to ask her where she found it? She said in the snow outside Green St, which is where I lived and where I searched for it. We arranged to meet, and I thanked her. My wallet was intact.

Looking back, the intimacy with God was the best reward of the whole experience. I was humble, vulnerable, and yielding to His will and He was gracious enough to help me by communicating the answer that was shortly to come. It is my hope that we all learn to lean on God, even when our approach isn't quite right or the answer doesn't turn out the way we'd like. For it is in the sweet intimacy with God, our heavenly Father, that we find the real power of prayer. Happy Father's Day!