In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights

As we approach Christmas Day....Christmas Eve is that night of wonder. The night of anticipation as the wise men headed toward the Messiah the King of Kings...wrapped in swaddling clothes.

A beautiful helpless baby awaits in Bethelehem. I am sure this baby-God was different and special. I wonder how developed his motor skills were and what kind of assimilation HE had.

I say this because I as a mere mortal have many memories of being a baby. I have memories of seeing and feeling my arms gyrating about as I had little control over them. I remember feeling as if my head had some cotton in it.

I remember many cynical thoughts and the desire to control my environment and my body.

So how was my Lord? I can't even begin to imagine. John the Baptist lept in Elizabeth's womb at perceiving Jesus at scarcely what  was weeks or 1 to 2 months old in Mary's womb.

Amazing facts were relayed in oral tradition and the written, but they are not unfathomable. This holy night makes me reflect on how Mary gave birth. Without a hospital or a midwife, she gave birth. How was this childbirth different and how was it the same?

So many questions about the holiest night that ever was. When God became Man. He started differently, with no male DNA but a heavenly one had begotten him. He had Mary's DNA and her DNA was not typical either. As Catholic's we believe she was immaculately conceived. The only human to be since the fall. And this so she could house God in man. True man and True God...something simple and yet hard to comprehend.

But this miracle was our biggest Joy. We saw God act in the flesh. We saw him heal, raise the dead, pray fervently, commune with sinners and teach with parables, with authority and humility. We saw him finally embrace the ultimate sacrifice of love. Not just death, but humiliation, emotional, physical mental and spiritual suffering. Thru that act he triumphed and we win because of it.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Tonight we await. The birth of a babe, a sweet, dependent and humble baby. We await that magical moment of mother and child embracing and Joseph hovering in protection. Joseph was destined to be Jesus adoptive father...the lineage predicted it so.

And so this most holy of nights, I reflect on this holy family and I am so grateful and humbled at all their faith and sacrifice. Their love for God, prepared them to love each other and have the most awesome responsibility and privilege to take care of and nurture their Savior.

And Love does that doesn't it? It saves us, it redeems us. If Salvation came thru a babe, then we are now the heirs. We are now responsible and privileged to help continue the salvific and redemptive plan. As we graft ourselves to HIM, we continue HIS work.

And what a wondrous start as we are born again in remembering HIS birth and waiting in awe, vulnerability and humility. We are graced to witness God and HIS Love with unspeakable joy. May this awe filled and holy Christmas Eve grace us with the gift of deep abiding Salvific and Redemptive Love. 

May we continue HIS plan, HIS play, HIS art in the unfolding drama and joy that Love is. Let us humbly await and embrace the Great "I am" in preparation to follow and surrender to his Lead of Love with even deeper grace In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights.

The Magic of God's Grace

I LOVE when God surprises me. Yesterday was a magical day. It would not have seemed the thing to expect given a tumultuous Friday and partying too hard that night in part due to my emotions being so raw.

Saturday morning I woke up tired after 5 hours of sleep. I became aware of Friday and the week in general, but then something magical happened. I started with a brief prayer, and then I went about with actions. I cleaned and organized my room then cleaned the bathroom. I was getting ready for my special guest for the day.

As usual I had a joyful peace as I walked to classes, and I greeted and smiled with the people who crossed my path. I took that with me into my classes and the new day brought a new reality. Friday was Friday and today was today. The classes were sweet and magical.

Then there was an atypical delay in starting our workout in fitness class. I had a little angst as I had to pick up my guest at the airport by 1200pm. Even though he had given me permission to be late, I did not want him to be waiting so long. After the work out, I dashed out. Grace multiplied as his flight was a bit delayed, and I finished working out minutes after he had arrived.

We spent a magical day together. We enjoyed just being and the beauty of God's world. We appreciated the magic of touch and affection. We freely shared thoughts and allowed a free connection to happen.

We then went to Redondo beach to experience a glimpse of the vast life in the ocean by going on the looking glass boat tour. The fish had glorious colors. A narrow silver one with a lightning blue streak, a fat orange one called Garibaldi, a fat opaque grey one with a white dot on it's back and glowing olive on it its fins. Their eyes also had a beautiful shade of blue. There were dozens of some and hundreds of others.

It made me think of how each fish was a unique representation of life. From a distance each species looked the same. However, if you looked closely enough at each one, each one was unique. Lastly there was a dazzling gold choral of plant life that amazed me.

It reminded me that life is vast and God's handiwork is always expanding. I couldn't even experience all that vastness even if I chose to spend all my waking moments just exploring. It made living forever seem just about the right amount of time it would take:-).

We then ate at a restauarant and enjoyed the oceanviews. We ended by settling in for a bit at Manhattan beach. What a quaint yet perfectly organized and zealously guarded town. Aside from the beach parking lot patrol men ready to inform you of the rules of the lot, there were a myriad of volleyball nets on the beach, cute little shops and restaurants and a variety of architecture. We fell inlove with some colonial Spanish styled condos and daydreamed of what it would be like to live there.

There were many surprising moments yesterday. The most surprising was my guest's decision to purchase a rosary after seeing one hanging on my rear view mirror. There are subtle and not so subtle ways we influence each other. It can be so beautiful.

There is beauty in just being, in the freedom to dream and the freedom to love. This is the grace of living, and the rest can be washed away. If these moments are influenced or caused by collective prayer, I am eternally grateful for the pure injection of God's grace.

Thank you God for letting the rest be washed away and keep me in that embrace. And the next time, if there is a next time that the enemy injects poison into my inner world, please remind me that I can uniquely combat it with a prayer then truth and love. I can then leave it behind, and experience the magic of God's grace.

With God All Things are Possible

Today something astonishing happened. A friend called me to say that a priest who had preached and believed ideologies contrary to church truth and teaching had a change of heart after a 3 month retreat. This priest had apologized to a parishioner for preaching contrary to church teaching and was now convicted of the truth.

This was a priest whom I had challenged with love back in October of 2010 and then again in January and late February of this year. I did this after I heard his homily in late September of 2010.

The decision to talk with him and then challenge him came after I confirmed his belief was indeed against church teaching. In a sense it was understandable because he has a brother who struggles with his sexuality. What started out as initially only a little uncomfortable became increasingly so as I realized was going against the tide even in my faith community.

I noticed how others were upset at the time but were paralyzed by anger that yielded to fear. I also noticed that others had just left that particular parish and deemed it hopeless to do anything against the heretical subculture. The odds were small for change everyone said. It's hopeless. That from some members in a faith community!

Yet too I noticed how others had decided to pray for the situation. Some spoke up with kindness and some in anger. As I acted in other ways in the months that followed, in ways the the Lord led me to, the needed space then happened. I was led to Florida. In that space, the seeds for change had been planted and were growing unbeknown to me. Prayers were sown and a heart was opened. I am still amazed at God's grace and love!

This news came at the heals of one of my most challenging periods. My surrender to God was constantly being challenged by my need to be in control. All my daily routines and practices were disjointed as I toiled to get ready for an exciting and yet scary move. My formal focus on God was even challenged, and I had days where I had to muscle out the prayers. Acting has always come easier for me than praying, and that sweet balance only comes through surrender.

This little miracle of a courageous priest who sought out God and embraced change was exactly what I needed to hear. This Friday I get ready to embark on the most potentially fulfilling and challenging call yet for me to surrender, ironically in "acting." Knowing that without God this would have been impossible for me. Fear had paralyzed this call many times before but, perhaps it was not the right time. And now I jump into His arms knowing that with God all things are possible.

Persevere to New Beginnings

My favorite month of the year is May. Spring is in full swing, it's my birthday month, also it is the month of the Blessed Virgin Mary and this year we have an entire month to celebrate the Easter season. And Easter symbolizes the most beautiful and miraculous event of our Lord Jesus persevering and leading us all to new beginnings.

May is bringing new beginnings for me in many ways. I am now living in new quarters with new people in the Miami area. I also begin my last full week residing here. Too, my life soon will begin anew as I return to my home, my friends and my life.

This week will also be the beginning of transitioning my work here to those whose job it is to turn the wheels of justice. There is peace in knowing I did everything I could to further the cause. Both in my small personal example and in our recent national and global example when we finally captured Osama Bin Laden, we see how perseverance eventually leads us to new beginnings.

However, there are always more reasons as to why the Lord takes you places than just one. It just seem to be HIS awesome way. What remains ahead, I can only speculate on. Yet, it is precisely this mystery that invites surrender, joy and wonder.

My new beginnings this week are in large part brought about by the Lord reteaching me some fundamental principles. Two of those principles include humility and surrender. Last week I took some leaps of faith and found that God addressed my concerns and questions before I had much time to even consider them. For example, some evidence that had eluded me ended with an attorney calling me to make arrangements that were most convenient for me to pickup the documents. Another is some financial risk was mitigated by a delay I had not planned. Even simple things such as what to do next after Church, helping a new friend celebrate her birthday and finding time to write this blog just fell into place.

However, the most poignant principle I was retaught this week was the principle that sin comes from within. The most chaotic event, which finally resolved itself, was learning that sexual sin has no boundaries. It is no respecter of persons and can affect the old as well as the young.

Our secular world defines our sexuality as purely a hormonal/physical impulse that primarily affects younger people and is a chaotic mess that has a will of its own. However, our sexuality, which is one of the greatest expressions of love we can experience, begins it's distortion in our thoughts. The more our thoughts entertain, encourage and illicit sexual connections that are based on fantasy, the more divorced your sexuality is from reality. Lustful thoughts may randomly come and arouse us physically. But they have nowhere to go if we shift our focus and invite grace to come in. The more grace enters and changes our heart to love the less those lustful thoughts arise and have fertile ground to grow. Even if we stumble on occasion, the sin has no lasting hold if we embrace God's grace. Our perseverance in rejecting the tempter yields to more grace.

On the flip side if we hold on to lustful thoughts, entertain them and encourage them, the next steps are self evident. After arousal we are led to act. Often masturbation comes first and from there acting out on the "object" of our desire. Objectifying a person is the antithesis of love. What sows in our heart is the life we will end up leading. And the longer we have lived our life embracing this destructive path, the more powerless we are to control it when the next person comes that triggers our entrenched pathways. How sad. We can end up being an 88 year old acting out impulsively, humiliating ourselves, the person who incredulously rejects our advances, and our loved ones. The sinful thought that we began entertaining long ago has born some ugly fruit.

However as we learned last week, even in the ugliest of circumstances God can surprise us by turning it into something beautiful. This is especially true if we follow His will. As we begin this new month of May, let us remember that the more we persevere in His will the greater the chance we have of allowing God's grace and love to spring us into new beginnings.

A Graceful Timeout

Sorry for the long hiatus. I am in the midst of a mysterious interruption in my journey and am in Miami, Fl. The reason I am here is ironically tied to the most challenging ministry I started about 3 weeks ago.

About 10 years ago, I had my first wave of wanting to do prison ministry. They discouraged me from getting involved. Even writing letters was dangerous they said, since the prisoners could track my address and open me up to unwanted attention. I could use a PO Box I thought. So It didn't deter me, but in the end I was refused.

This time the inspiration came again during my confirmation classes last October. We were reflecting on a passage with the word "free" in it. Of course I fixated on that word. For me my freedom has been my most cherished gift. It has no doubt prevented me from committing to people and things my heart wasn't 100% in. It also is something I have sought to obtain through finances.

As I reflected on how much I LOVE my freedom, I thought of the antithesis, prison. Sure most of have prisons in our heads, some of which we are aware of and some which we are not. But I thought about those in physical prisons and their lack of freedom. I thought of Matthew 25 13-40 "and you visited me in prison." The desire to reach out came back again.

I inquired at my parish and was told about the restorative justice ministry through St. Vincent De Paul. After they told me of the various programs, I was specifically drawn to the youth ministry. http://www.svdp-sanmateoco.org/youth.html I also liked the aspect of ministering to and of restitution for the victims as part of the ministry cycle. I decided to pursue it upon my return of my trip to Peru in December.

After three months going through the application process, my first visit and training session was finally scheduled. As March 27, 2011 approached, I began to get very nervous and requested the prayers of various friends. I ended up accompanying Chaplain Martin Schurr to perform a communion service. And much to my my dismay, instead of visiting teenage girls we were escorted to the "roughest" teenage boys facility.

As we waited for the door to open, Chaplain Marty told me that we had no control over where we went and sometimes are even sent away. Wow..what a journey of faith! He told me there was a school, a court house, exercise area, and social workers all in this enclosed facility. There was no where to travel, you were in all purpose prison.

When we finally came in, I saw about 20-25 young men sitting in their fold out chairs. I didn't know what to expect, and I was uncharacteristically timid. Chaplain Marty did most of the talking and only had to call out once to stop some giggling.

Chaplain Marty began by telling his story. He came from a dysfunctional family. His father was an alcoholic who spent all his money on booze and never had enough money left over even to buy his son a new pair of shoes. His father's nickname for him was sh**head. His mother was very depressed and eccentric and would often be in pajamas all day. He was embarrassed and never brought any friends over and was angry for having to wear shoes with holes in them.

His pain and anger led him to choices that landed him in a juvenile detention center (JTC) like the one they were in. This ironically is where grace stepped in. Here he met Joe an older man who volunteered at the JTC. Joe was a very peaceful man, and Marty liked talking with him. With time Marty and Joe became friends, and Joe got him a job when Marty was released.

Then one day while working the "boss" yelled at Joe. Marty became very upset as his friend did not merit this treatment. He wanted to defend Joe and was going to show the boss a thing or two. Joe quickly asked Marty, do you really want to help me? Of course said Marty, and I am going to. No said Joe, if you really want to help me, lets pray for the "boss". Joe said the boss is probably stressed in trying to keep the business going, to be able to pay his employees etc.


Marty was shocked. He didn't agree or understand but followed Joe's request. Then Marty asked Joe why are you doing this? Joe told him he was Catholic and this was his faith. Slowly Chaplain Marty came to regard this man as a father and with time Marty made other choices that led him to enter religious life.

Marty said that if we choose to carry around anger and pain, then this will lead us to choices that will create more anger and pain. He cautioned them to really think about why they are here and to make other choices so that they don't end up in a real adult prison. Marty also told them just because you have an uncle or other family member there does not mean you are destined to go there. Your fate is in your hands.

I was riveted there listening and thinking why am I here? Chaplain Marty then introduced me and invited to share a little about myself. I told the boys I was from Chicago and had lost my mother at 16 and soon after was on my own. I told them that although I may not share their background, one thing I did share with them was feeling very angry as a youth and that I carried this anger for a long time. I shared with them that the only thing that melted that anger was love, and you can't love if you have never been loved. And even if they had not experienced love yet, that it was my hope that today was the beginning of their encounter with love. As I looked around, I was amazed to see that these simple words had opened some of their eyes and that they were looking at me and nodding in agreement.

In the service, Chaplain Marty ended up having me read most of the readings. I was amazed at how the holy spirit guided me through hick ups that invited the boys to "help" me. After the service, in this authentic and trusting moment, a couple of boys asked me questions about God's love. One in particular, Hector, shared some deeper personal struggles. I was moved. A lot seemed to stem around forgiveness; forgiving those who have hurt you and forgiving yourself.

The last thing I said to Hector, who was haunted by violent memories of his parents and voodoo practices of his family, was to pray because God's power overcomes anything. I added, God will put people in your path that will help you. He smiled and said like you and Chaplain Marty, and I nodded.

Injustice, hurt and evil are realities we all encounter one way or another. We can look at how we participate in creating these realities, and how we respond after we notice what has happened by our collective blind choices.

Those unexpected interruptions in life that come up may be God's call. That interruption may be a stint in juvenile hall, the loss of a job, an unexpected illness, a timeout with a friend or family member, or a call for justice. And as we approach holy week, let us reflect on those interruptions. They very well may be a graceful timeout.