In the Chaos, Surrender to the Process of Redemption

I wonder how often we trust in a paradigm that simply does not work. I think it happens often in life and we either change or ignore it.

In the past, I have often thought why do people live a life that more often than not brings chaos into their life. Perhaps for some their personality type or life experience or both leads them to skirt the potential danger..almost as a thrill.

On the other hand, some of us because of our personality type and life experience..mistrust people and ourselves so much we bury ourselves in religious practice. Sometimes we truly want to find and get close to God, but more often we care to admit if we are honest we are running from something too.

In any case, it seems we often encounter things that just don't line up with how we think things should work. And if you continue down a path rationalizing long enough...sometimes God just throws a monkey wrench so severe you can no longer continue on the same path.

Those who have known me the longest know I can tend to be stubborn and loyal to a fault. These attributes do have their plus side for sure. But I have also been blessed with analyzing myself, others and things the way they work.

To be sure no amount of praying, bargaining, saving and a false sense of security will ever shield you from who you are. The beauty is you can change if you want to. You just have to be ready to see things and  finally change a pattern that simply does not work. 

God most assuredly talks to us in still moments but he also talks to us thru other people. Thru other people can be jarring. Sometimes it is too much or over exaggerated but make no mistake the is value is still there.

Without adversity and people checking us, we don't grow. And realistically we are loved and love few people enough to put the energy in to work it out when it gets very messy. We love and are loved by few who will do what it takes to amend and get past it. More often than not if you are willing..it just takes time.

I think the beauty of this life is that your capacity to be in those situations of being loved and loving gets better. We gain a better capacity to do it. I am of course talking about relationships that are longer term and close. 

Although valuable, being a Mother Theresa and catering to the dying or fighting with the opposition, or dealing in a hierarchical structure is an unequal relationship and  often a very temporary one as well. Charity and altruism is beautiful but most of us can only pull that off when we are just in the right mental space and it is temporary.

The longer term closer relationship with all these images of God are much more challenging. It is almost as if if you can't love your neighbor, you can't really recognize God's love and providence. 

It is not about being perfect with every reaction as somehow God graces you with how to react with every situation but it is just about being honest. The struggle is real and it never ends but thats the joy really..letting go of our desire for perfection or apathy and caring enough about yourself and others to make it thru.

And I think that is where I need to grow next. It is really relying on God's providence because it all works out in the end..even when we pass. It's messy and evil sometimes but somehow God's love redeems all of it. Even the weak, messy and evil inside of us. Because that part is always us taking control instead of surrendering to Him and the needs he puts before us in inconvenient times. When we succeed in those tests..we feel closer to Him and when we fail..we have a choice. The first is to rationalize and harden your heart. The second is to face it..amend it if you can and in the chaos surrender to the process of redemption.

Peace be with You

It has been a long while. My life this year has been a whirlwind. It began with hopes of major changes in both my personal and professional life and they came quickly. The first was with my personal life. It is normal to get caught up in romance and put all your hopes onto a relationship. Some are valid based on the interactions, but a lot is projected. This was my particular experience.

Major decisions were embarked upon quickly and the stages of dating went from fast to very fast in the course of 3 months. My day job had unique challenges as well and the weight of the crazy work environment finally took its toll on my health and my emotional well being. My relationship was a significant support during this challenging time.

Then some long anticipated changes began being possible, with-in reach and set in motion. I moved to So.Cal in Mid- May and the shock waves of rushing a relationship during the next month and a half were settling into my bones. After some quakes, a rupture finally happened. Emotional fall-out is normal, and the breathing room necessary to discern was finally created.

It's odd that what often seems like a set back whether it's losing a job, losing a relationship or losing anything you thought you had--can turn out to be the biggest blessing possible. The pain of loss is real but the space created makes you re-evaluate the situation..see why and how things happened to create the loss and then act on any remedy that seems possible and prudent.

For me loss also creates the space to truly invite God in more deeply, to pour myself into him and feel the peace that comes. All we have is today and in the sweet surrender to God...we find our guilt, our blessings and our needs. And HE gives us his mercy, his assurance that we deserve not only the blessings we have but even more, for HE is a generous God. And, he fills the void of our needs by opening the many doors spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I can never say how or when HE communicates with each unique individual but Love/God is always the same. May we have the courage to reach for HIM during our little and big changes and in the changes we plan and the ones we don't. Life is truly a gift, and one of the sweetest fruits of heart-felt prayer is peace. Peace be with you.

The Sweet Joy of Surrendering to God's Waves

I am sooo lucky to live where I live. And for all of you that live in
the bay area: rejoice! It's mid-January, and it's 60, sunny, and clear.
On top of that, for a lot of us the ocean is only 20 minutes away. I am at
Half moon Bay again, Teddieless this time. It's a little windy but
outside of that a perfect day in my opinion.

That's why I left Chicago. As I have told countless people, I counted
the actual days that were pleasant in Chicago... 76 out of 365 the year
I last lived there. Here it is more like 300 days. The bay area is
sunny and mild most days while the Chicago area was overcast, frigid, or
hot as a stove most days I remember it.

I wonder sometimes if the climate affects our soul, as well. Many of
the friends I left in Chicago were hard, cynical, and deathly afraid of
change. Maybe that's the way I was to some degree. A couple of my best friends tried to control their environment, I guess out of necessity, and when that
failed they acquiesced to the inevitable waves that came.

I hoped they would eventually become like surfers riding the wave: twisting and
turning with their intentions yet surrendering to what they expected
and didn't quite expect. They never quite got there. They then tried
to control the truth I spoke in love, and in the end our friendships
ended. These were long-term personal and close friendships that
navigated many storms together, and yet the last storms were too much
to weather. Their past mistakes haunted them, and the waves
eventually capsized our friendship, a major interruption in this life.

But I rode that wave knowing there were other roads God's will would
lead us to individually. God is so great that way; even in our
missteps, even in our hurt and in our anger, He always gently tries to
lead us to a joyful and happy place. Surrendering to God's will would
seem desirable if it meant not only accepting the waves but actually
enjoying them!

One friend recently asked me, "What does that mean:
surrendering to God's will?"

Well, humbly and as low to the ground as I can be, I will try to answer
that query on a slightly deeper level. God makes us all unique and
unrepeatable. God designed us all for a purpose. However, we are not
quite polished yet, not quite the perfect piece to fit in the grand
mosaic of heaven. And so we are here to have our edges polished.

As an example: my candor can sting your illusion, and your resistance
brings even more of my candor out. We cut and shape each other, perhaps
with some angst. Or my candor brings out your reflection and gentle
agreement or disagreement, and we dialogue and shape each other another
way. My candor can be gentle or sharp, but it is my gift to the world,
sometimes wanted and sometimes not. And the world's response to my
candor, whether gentle or sharp, is its gift to me, whether I want it
or not.:-)

Surrendering to God's will for me means being true about my needs and
about my desire to love. It's about my desire to be as transparent as
I can be, having full confidence that God's will will be done, that in
this surrender things will be mutually decided, and the path will
naturally narrow. Trying to please everyone or fit in everywhere is, in
short, trying to force things. This naturally will lead to
resistance.

Trying to impose our own will and control the flow of communication
and the expression of love will lead to resistance. So the choice
simply becomes being true to ourselves and true with God and true with
one another in the moment and letting God/Love in to the situations that polish our
edges or trying to control what happens by shutting out Love/God or
trying to force it.

Both scenarios bring dramatic moments, healing moments, joyful
moments, pleasurable moments, exciting moments, sad moments, peaceful
moments, and resistant moments at times. The more we love, the easier
the polishing is to handle, and the more we resist, the more painful
the polishing will be.

In the end, if we embrace it all we will find an overarching peace
and joy knowing God/Love is in charge. Even though we will dance in
this life between surrendering to God's/Love's will and imposing our
own ego, I pray all of us, while living and upon exiting this life,
allow ourselves to experience and to trust the sweet joy of
surrendering to God's waves.

In the End its All About God

As the Christmas season lingers and the year closes, it is natural to reflect -- to reflect on the good times and the bad, on what we have done and what we have failed to do. We cherish what is special to us and renew our hope and our resolve to fill what we perceive we lack.

This Christmas season had me feel my void like never before. The normal tricks -- focusing on the giving and counting my blessings -- failed miserably. And God wanted it that way. He wanted to show me my wound -- He knew I was ready. It was incredibly painful. There were moments I thought I would not make it.

The signs of noncompassion I could handle; it was the signs of near compassion that hurt me the most. As an astute new friend pointed out: you know abandonment, and you know what to do with that. What you don't know is compassion and love, and that is what you cannot handle. I still tear up now knowing how true that is.

It is sad, I think, that some of us go through life expecting relationships to fail. We experience disappointment enough times that we end up compensating by lightening things up, by expecting disconnection, by giving someone an out and, ultimately, by not allowing ourselves to trust.

It's ironic, I guess, that in our quest to protect ourselves we cause ourselves even more pain. The isolation is real and very painful. That is what I had to come to terms with. But something more to the core made me realize that I was not, in fact, trusting God. I was not trusting Him to show me how my covering my needs was actually sabotaging their fulfillment.

How, in fact, that seeing my relationships as they are, while painful, was the very step I needed to take to open myself up to the people that could be there for me. And how being vulnerable is what would finally set me free. Because it is in vulnerability that we let God in intimately and have HIS will move us: beyond ourselves and into Love, beyond our intellectual choice and own will -- for to love is not a choice, it is a divine gift that God places in our vessel. Our choice is a mere illusion of Love if the author of Love, God, has not willed it. And that illusion will die if the author of Love does not eventually reside in our choice.

I know my vessel is sometimes full of things that ultimately are not good for me. This Christmas season, I was strong enough to allow Him to begin to shape me by opening and breaking me, all for my own good. For His Love needs lots of room, and I was always full at the inn with my own distractions, preoccupations, and obligations.
This breaking is unique for all of us. Some have it early, some have it late and, sadly, I suppose, some never have it at all in this life.

Even though we all, in the end, are seeking to love and to be loved, we don't always find the source of that Love. We look for love in all the wrong places, as one song puts it. But when we do look for Love in the right place, it does sometimes cost us with real pain as we tear down the illusions.

But then we are free to surrender to Love and to God. He can then open our hearts so we can Love one another the way we each individually need to be loved. For our needs are not all the same. On top of that, they change and morph. It takes all of you to really love another person. And most of us on our own strength never even come close to stretching that far. It's why we need God not only to give us the strength to love but to show us how to love. It takes us being vulnerable.

God's power (Love) can move mountains. We have all heard of the mother who lifts up a 2,000-pound car when her child is trapped underneath it. And perhaps some of you have seen the movie Lorenzo's Oil in which frantic parents come up with a serum to save their child from an unknown disease. Or perhaps you have seen Conviction, in which a woman sacrifices everything to save her brother. Yes Love/God is powerful, beautiful, and scary all at once. It requires all of us. And if we are into self-protection or weighing the costs then we will fail. But if we surrender to God then Love never fails.

I'll leave you with a substitution of Love where God is normally found and similarly substituting God for love. I pray to my Almighty Father that this will not offend Him, and I pray it won't offend any of you.

The Lord's prayer would go like this:

Our Lover, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Love's name. Love's kingdom come, Love's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In love give us our daily bread, and in love forgive us our trespasses, as in love we forgive those who trespass against us, and Love lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

God makes the world go 'round.

And the Beatles song... All you need is God.

As we end this year may we embrace our destiny and know that, in the end, it is all about God.

With God All Things are Possible

Today something astonishing happened. A friend called me to say that a priest who had preached and believed ideologies contrary to church truth and teaching had a change of heart after a 3 month retreat. This priest had apologized to a parishioner for preaching contrary to church teaching and was now convicted of the truth.

This was a priest whom I had challenged with love back in October of 2010 and then again in January and late February of this year. I did this after I heard his homily in late September of 2010.

The decision to talk with him and then challenge him came after I confirmed his belief was indeed against church teaching. In a sense it was understandable because he has a brother who struggles with his sexuality. What started out as initially only a little uncomfortable became increasingly so as I realized was going against the tide even in my faith community.

I noticed how others were upset at the time but were paralyzed by anger that yielded to fear. I also noticed that others had just left that particular parish and deemed it hopeless to do anything against the heretical subculture. The odds were small for change everyone said. It's hopeless. That from some members in a faith community!

Yet too I noticed how others had decided to pray for the situation. Some spoke up with kindness and some in anger. As I acted in other ways in the months that followed, in ways the the Lord led me to, the needed space then happened. I was led to Florida. In that space, the seeds for change had been planted and were growing unbeknown to me. Prayers were sown and a heart was opened. I am still amazed at God's grace and love!

This news came at the heals of one of my most challenging periods. My surrender to God was constantly being challenged by my need to be in control. All my daily routines and practices were disjointed as I toiled to get ready for an exciting and yet scary move. My formal focus on God was even challenged, and I had days where I had to muscle out the prayers. Acting has always come easier for me than praying, and that sweet balance only comes through surrender.

This little miracle of a courageous priest who sought out God and embraced change was exactly what I needed to hear. This Friday I get ready to embark on the most potentially fulfilling and challenging call yet for me to surrender, ironically in "acting." Knowing that without God this would have been impossible for me. Fear had paralyzed this call many times before but, perhaps it was not the right time. And now I jump into His arms knowing that with God all things are possible.