Embracing Palm Sunday

Every year..holy week feels a little different. Last year I spent it in LA, as I was ready to go back to the bay and begin filming my first supporting role in a full feature independent movie. Although it had been a challenging Lent with my apartment falling apart in Burbank, I had an incredible blessing awaiting me. That experience was not only one of a kind for me but it lead to a different course in my life professionally and personally.

This year Lent, I by and large I sacrificed more and focused on Almsgiving, trying to keep the sabbath holy and praying more.

One unexpected blessing was an answer to prayer for someone else. I had been praying daily for a friend to find a job as she was graduating with her Masters in May.  I had been praying since late January and mid March had come and gone and still no word. Also the company she interned with had announced layoffs, and yet shortly after that lateast week she received an offer from them. I could not believe how incredibly happy I was for her. What seemed unlikely given the timing in the end worked itself out.

It is one of the biggest joys for me to pray fervently daily for someone..sometimes weeks, sometimes years and have that prayer answered.  It makes me so joyous for them and also makes me believe in the power of prayer. I also have to remember to stop praying for that but soon someone else is in need so the void is filled. :-)

As we start holy week, I reflect on what Jesus embraced out of love.  Love is humbling, powerful and the very act of self emptying. And it is that Love that redeemed and saved us. I look forward to the culmination of the week. The miracle of the resurrection..which proves no matter what the cost or the doubt,  if we persevere we gain a blessing beyond the cost or doubt and it strengthens us. 

This Lent too I focus on a different type of project..one that has been delayed and derailed since 2021. It is my hope its gives me the freedom to be here and in LA. 

I look forward to this week knowing a big rainbow lies ahead. May we embrace Palm Sunday and find joy and celebrate in others blessings and know that we too are being prayed for and blessed.

Allow...

 

Happy 2021..a new and brief post with acronyms.

ACT  Allow Change to Happen

ALT  Allow Love to Happen

                                                                                    AMT  Allow Miracles to Happen

                                                                                    APT  Allow Prayer to Happen

Advent is Truly a Miraculous Adventure

As 2020 draws to a close, we reflect on a year that was for most of us mixed with unexpected blessings and unexpected sorrows. Perhaps both are necessary to prepare us both for our eternal home and a deeper joy in this life.

This Advent is unique for me..I journeyed with the Magnificat Companion. And actually I had not intended on it. I originally ordered it for a friend and that manufacturer said it could be past Nov. 29 before it was delivered.  So I tried to cancel the order and in the meantime picked up a copy at a local religious bookstore and mailed it to my friend. Ironically, the other copy came as well and I asked him to drop off the extra copy in my box. I received it just in time to start on Nov. 29.

And what an adventure it has been...from unexpected meetings to unexpected phone calls. And in the process, layer's being removed and fears discovered. For me..the most surprising thing is how much of an undercurrent fear plays in my action and inaction. Certainly love has also motivated me but I just did not realize that fear was so strong. I guess the quiet allows each of us to reflect...if we take the opportunity to do so.

I will start with the beginning and then my own personal discoveries.  Oftentimes, what appears as one thing is often another thing nuanced. For example the story about Adam and Eve.  Aside from the serpent's deception and guile, I would like to look at Adam and Eves response.  Certainly disobedience was there but it was also FOMO perhaps. Fear of missing out. If this fruit opened eyes and provided wisdom and one could be like God knowing both good and evil...then if they don't eat it they will stay ignorant. Certainly they knew God and what he had said and enjoyed but what if there was something more? They would have consulted God with this dilemma first. They had no reason to doubt his goodness..yet FOMO won the day.

Then their eyes were opened and when they heard the Lord they hid out of fear. Then they feared taking responsibility and feared God and started to cast blame around. Fear prompts a whole host of behaviors and thoughts that are sinful..but the genesis may always be fear. Certainly fear is good in some instances as an alert..but if our response generally speaking is love then we are never filled with angst or fear. No matter what the consequences are.

So now to the personal. I would venture to say that most people on a superficial level think I am a fairly courageous woman. And to some degree I do believe I have been blessed with this gift thru temperament and circumstance. 

However, what appears as courage sometimes...not all the time of course..is under laden with fear. When I am doing something that I believe is Gods will then it is much easier to be courageous. But when the motivation turns to my own needs as the primary focus...well for sure that can be fear.

I tend to be fairly proactive with friends but sometimes it is to be in control of how much company I have. I fear the silence sometimes. I fear finding out what happens if I don't do this. Thankfully, Covid has afforded the luxury of more submissiveness and humility. Probably traits that need a bit more attention in my temperament. 

I also tend to use my reasoning and detachment as means of protecting myself. I fear rejection and I fear being taken advantage of..I fear caring deeply and hurting deeply. But alas..this where this Advent is a huge blessing. The adventure has led me outside my comfort zone of control and fear..trusting God and letting him lead but doing so with trepidation at times. But there are many moments and in particular now...that I feel this sense of hope and joy that makes it easier to be open to God and his love and then in turn be loving in my actions.

Reading the Magnificat Companion, the book given out by my Parish named the Hidden Power of Kindness and praying and also praying the rosary  have been a huge blessing for me. Having faith and letting time and Grace happen is also a huge blessing.  The reward is that this adventure has led me to a deeper peace, a deeper joy and a deeper love.

And that is more than I have dared hope for in Advents past.  Christmas is coming....are you ready? Are you ready for transformative miracles? No matter what the outcome of the days are whether joyful, sorrowful or a mixture of both..we always have the choice to say no to fear and yes to love. May the serenity that surpasses our understanding bless you during these last few days of Advent and give you the deepest joy in opening your heart to remembering the miracle of God becoming human...in the form of baby Jesus. 

Advent is a truly a miraculous adventure.

The Holy Trinity, Love and Each Other to Help Us Find the Way

2020 was supposed to be a year of clarity and maybe it is.  Aside from Covid -19 which has altered our life as we slowly find joy in a modified fashion..we have seen our own humanity in light amidst the darkness.

Perhap it's fitting to reflect on Holy Trinity Sunday...so much has happened liturgically. We went thru Lent, the Passion, Resurrection, Eastertide and Pentecost. Today is a reflection of All of God..the Holy Trinity.

There is no question we all have our blind spots. If we could see them perhaps we would, and perhaps we can't see them simply because we are not ready to see them.

This past couple of weeks I have seen a lot of emotion most focused on a small set of circumstances. The full truth is rarely sought. Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, peace, injury, help, courage,  group think and comfort and healing have all been on display these past two weeks.

I am grateful for those who comforted those who mourned, protected those businesses who were attacked, for those that helped clean the messess created by chaos and for those who prayed. These are our better angels. 

Perhaps unjust suffering, abuse and murder can best be seen in what Jesus allowed, embraced and endured. If you have doubt this happened..I suggest you research and look it up. And He was innocent. Not only did He not have a rap sheet, or was drunk/high or resisted where he was lead, he actually had a history of healing, dining with the criminals of that time, and helping those who persisted in their pleas..even if they were not his target mission.

How does this inform us today..in our current crisis and climate? That unjust horrific things do happen and that always thru the Holy Spirit's courage, kindness and peace..good comes out in the end.

In the chaos of things..we don't see the final picture. It is our collective blindspot. So while non innocent men and women are abused and killed and property is destroyed and pillaged, we have a choice. Our response is a choice, but our reaction is not so much.

All of us are not innocent and yet some of us are quick to lay blame on everyone else as being more guilty. Some of us are so guilty that instead of sowing seeds of change within us we excuse all bad behavior.

Whose fault is it that the injustices and blind spots occur? It is all our fault. Some cross the line and have to be held to account. Some abuse this hurt to take and hurt and hopefully are held to account. 

We are by nature in a fallen and disordered state. It's what causes the pain, blame and the indifference ..but that's not the end of the story. Through redemption, through mercy, through correction and through divine help..we get not only through it..but become better, stronger, wiser, with stronger discipline and with a bigger capacity to love.

And that was the reflection at mass today. Through our heads..some things we just can't understand like the nature of one God in three persons...The Holy Trinity. The only way we know people deeply is through love, and the same for knowing God.

Perhaps the way we will know the abusers and the victims is through love.  And perhaps this is what we will learn thru our heart break..is how to love. May the unseen and least understood advocate, Paraclete and comforter guide us through it all. He can if we give him a chance.

The battle already has been won..death has been defeated and our life has been given a divine boost to the gifts God already has imbued in us at birth.  Yes, we may still be blind..but with an open heart we will find the way.

And as we keep getting lost, we keep getting found and reminded of what is possible despite the evil that persists. The big war has already been won, but we still must battle the war within so we can heal the war outside. We don't have to do it alone. We have the Holy Trinity and love and each other to help us find the Way.

Rise From the Dead

Happy Resurrection Sunday! In today's gospel Lazarus is raised from the dead after being in the tomb 4 days by Jesus.

 Jesus knew that this delay would be to glorify God.

Jesus also loved Lazarus and his sisters so He wept. Then raising His eyes to heaven he said in a loud voice to rise and walk out.

John 11:1-45

Perhaps this scripture can give us some insight on how to handle our CV crisis.

God is infinitely and exponentially more powerful and  than this or any virus. And where science leads and teaches us..the gap to God's love and power and peace is gargantuan.

There is no doubt this is a precarious time for us as a global community and country. We all process information differently and have our own unique trigger points.

Our economy is shut down and many of us are physically isolated. We are concerned for those at risk and want to protect them.

But where is God in this for you? Our fear may drive us to Him in desperation or away from Him toward science and logic and of course some no only don't believe but have disdain for Him..why would He allow this? How could Jesus allow Lazarus to die? How could God allow his only begotten son Jesus to go thru the passion and Crucifixion?

In this scripture..a tragedy was allowed so we could glorify God. How can we glorify God thru this ordeal?

Jesus wept. How can we show compassion and also weep? 

Jesus acted by looking to the heavens and raising Lazarus from the dead. How can we raise our eyes to heaven and act to save lives?  Most of our roles are to sit at home and physically isolate. How can we glorify God and raise our eyes to heaven even if this all we do? Perhaps if we do, HE can inspire us do other things as well. We are designed to help in our unique ways. Let's allow God to magnify that.

We all have faith that we can help and that this will pass. This is the good that God has instilled in us. This CV crisis has connected all of us..worldwide in a way few things could have. Jesus coming back would be one. :-)

But how much more can we do if we put Him first?

He is constantly calling us but we have the choice to ignore and follow our own self direction. He has created us to be free. It is a collective choice we have made more often than not to be self directed..it is our human condition. And so perhaps we are here because of our choices.

So I am here advocating for us to make different choices. Who is first now? Science? Logic? Denial? Yourself? Your family? The common good? 

Almost none of these are bad things. But none should be first. God should be first. Why?

Well let's drill down a bit. The author of life and the Universe promises peace. Peace be with you. Will you get their with one quick prayer, or a rosary or family prayer at night. If this is the first time you are doing it and are not surrendering wholeheartedly...maybe not.

But you have to start from where you are. If you only practice one thing daily let it be your anchor.

The rosary may be your anchor if the Eucharist and Eucharistic adoration are not available. Just know we all have an anchor to the divine and no one can take that away...not even CV.

If the  Scientists, the President, the Surgeon General you and me anchor ourselves to God how much more correct can our thoughts and actions be?  Even though we are in a very precarious position, panic and fear that are an engine unto itself will not lead us to make the best choices. Sometimes we have to act fast but more often that not calm will help much more.

Who can lead us? God. He is ready, willing and able to help. Do we have faith that He can?  Can He help the scientists get inspired after sweating it out to come up with an anti-viral that works at least some of the time at least. How about a concoction of antivirals that helps more while we wait for the breakthrough? There are a myriad of other solutions. It can happen and it will..perhaps exponentially faster if we lean into GOD.

If God leads we will NOT want to party on or be so holed up in our house that we don't look for safe ways to help others. We will stop keeping the focus on ourselves to the point where it hinders us to do things that help others as HE inspires us and at worst paralyzes us.

How does panic help us devise solutions in the future to get back to work, keep those vulnerable safe and allow them time to get some fresh air without us putting them and each other in harm's way?

We can do sooo much but, how much more can we do with God's help? He is already trying to help and sometimes we are so caught up in panic and charts that we can't just stop and see what He is trying to do. He has the answers so why not ask, and then let Him lead as we get to work.

This crisis will pass but we will create another if we can't put God first. 

It is both ironic and a blessing that this is happening during Lent. Jesus was in the wilderness alone praying for 40 days. We are following him more closely now than most of us ever have.

For once we can stop, pray and surrender all our fears, anxiety, anger, denial or our unique combination of ways that we process this unique challenge. He wants to help you. Will you let Him? Do you have faith? God is good always and if we choose Him, we are choosing good.

That also means suffering. It is part of our redemption. But even in this aspect..surrendering to suffering instead of fighting it ironically means we suffer less.

So I will end with sharing some little miracles that happened this week.  On Monday I had a furuncle or boil removed. I had a lot of subconscious anxiety in the morning. I worked out because I knew I may not be able to for a bit after the procedure. 

This most routine of incisions involves a surgeon. That combined with this unique moment in time (with CV and the shelter in place) and I knew that all the anxieties and pre-occupations most have with this challenging time would make it so that challenge was mine alone to handle with God and precious few others for support. All of this I pushed aside as I prayed and focused where I needed to focus: on God and then on the medical professionals and how I could make this a holy moment. 

In the doctor's office the injections to numb the area around the mass burned and hurt. The cutting and removing the gunk came next. After the procedure, I saw the blood on the dressing and realized yeah its routine but still a procedure.

After it was done I was relieved and felt happy. I thought let me stop by a local church and maybe if the door is open I can pray. So after the 30-40 minute procedure I drove there. The door was open!

I walked inside and much to my amazement they were giving communion. All masses are suspended, and this was being videotaped apparently. I walked right in and received Jesus for the first time in a week. What an amazing blessing. What serendipity! I could not have dared to ask for this grace nor timed it more perfectly. Grace happened.

I cried a bit on the drive home as I looked to the heavens and thanked God. His love is steadfast and true. 

Some people reached out with calls, as did I, and the sense of connection and concern was more magnified.. even with a much smaller circle.

Later in my week amidst my humanity of being responsible and taking care of myself, I had many days of obstacles. I initially failed to turn to God. When I finally did..I was able to more calmly get past the obstacle. 

The blessing's kept coming. My agent sent me a voice over audition..not my specialty but a safe way to continue with that aspect of my call. 

And then the biggest blessing of all, because of YOU sheltering in place not only did I learn that hospitals in the peninsula and SF are NOT experiencing a surge, but by this action YOU allowed that same local church to gain permission from the SMC health oficial to allow communion today this Sunday. This church was allowed because they had ample space outside to keep 6 ft apart and because we are NOT in a dire situation.

Thank YOU for doing your part.

Rain was expected this morning. So as I often say..I don't tempt God so I came with rain gear. It never rained at the 9:30am distribution, a blessing to not stand in the rain.

There were volunteers making sure the 6ft rule was observed and giving hand sanitizer right before receiving communion in your hand. The priest was wearing gloves AND serving the communion with cute little tongs.

And how can I forget..confession. The  6ft spacing and the window was open in the room. I was able to confess. This was the first time I had ever felt so sorry for my sins. It was a confession from the heart. Many of my confessions have been from my head. That was what CV allowed me to do. 

Our collective suffering can be transformed by Love...by God. Jesus showed us the power of love through HIS suffering to create not only Peace but something Salvific. Because Love is Salvific, God can do the same with us now and when this finally passes. Will you join Him and let Him?

Lent will be over soon...holy week awaits.  The Resurrection will come! We all will pass one day and we all will be resurrected one day. The question is will you be ready and can you now... Rise from the Dead.

Trusting in the Mystery and Love

It is the last day of the year and also the Christmas season. The decorations are still out and we still marvel at the word made flesh in a baby. Baby Jesus.

How lovely it is to have both a year end and start with Christmas. This is my end of year reflection that I started a few days ago and can finally tweak and publish today.  I am hoping that what I share inspires you to be bold and persevere. Sometimes things don't work out the way we hope but more often than not things do eventually work out in a time and in a way you simply can not see in the present.

We plant seeds that bloom in a year or 10 or some may take a lifetime. I know nothing that tests faith for me like waiting for a long anticipated event to happen...sometimes it seems it may not be meant to be.

This year was an explosion for me of fun firsts and many long anticipated firsts. It also has its challenges that caused good growth in December.

Chronologically reflecting..it did seem like I knew this year would be good. I just never realized how good.

It started with a NYE party. I went to a similar venue but had a unique..never before experience.  After dancing with friends for about an hour or two...I noticed a gentleman walk in who riveted me.  I noticed his persona immediately.

He seemed very at ease with himself and then saw him begin dancing on the dance floor after a little while.

This went on for an hour or so. Long story short..he made his way to me and we danced and talked the rest of the night. 

At midnight we kissed and then danced and talked some more. I don't think I had ever had anything that magical. Although his life stage at that time I found out later would preclude "dating".  I did appreciate the experience.

In March, we disconnected as I took a trip to New Zealand. Something I had been talking about wanting to do for at least 10 years. It was as beautiful and a desirable place as I had imagined.

I had anticipated that I would have to cut down trees that lined the property line between my neighbor and myself prior to embarking on this project. I tried to negotiate this with my neighbor and the city with little luck. I had wanted to do this project about 15 years prior.  When I discovered I did not have to do this..I could embark on this project.

After New Zealand, I  came back and soon obtained bids and design plans to begin a new driveway and front walkway remodel. In late May we broke ground and the 2 month project completed and I was finally able to comfortably park my car in the driveway. It was a mere 15 year wait.

Around the same time, I also booked a trip to Chicago around this time for early August to visit a friend and catch a couple of Cubs games in the interim. That was not a first but what follows is amazing.

After my project was ending..I thought I should cancel my trip as my best friend was being pulled out of town and would not be there in early August...and then

in the midst of this on July 1, I decided my happenstance to check Ancestry DNA. I had taken this test a few years ago in the hopes of finding my biological father and his side of the family.

I discovered that a first cousin on my fathers side had tested on Ancestry DNA. This turned out to be the most significant discovery and life change of my entire year and certainly one of the tops of my life.

As background, I was adopted by my stepfather when I was 5. I did not remember my father but knew that my step father was not my father. I heard some stories my mom had told me about my real dad but it was limited as my adopted dad became upset when she talked about him. She said he had passed. I was not sure if this was true or not but did not question it.

I was curious about who he might have been but just shelved it for the most part. Then the biggest life change happened. My mom fell ill and passed when I was 16 just shy of 17. My world turned upside down...I was soon living with my older cousin who became my legal guardian and the father figure had became even more lacking.

After I recovered enough with the help of an incredible friend and some kind teachers..I landed in college after graduation. Out in the farm land,  U of I provided the space and the quiet I needed to just think and study. At 20 I began to try to find my search for my biological father. I wrote to the AMA to get the number and address of the doctor that delivered me. I got a letter back saying the doctor had passed a few years back.

I thought about hiring a private detective but with a name and that's all..I just thought it too improbable. Part of my curiosity was my mom had me at 42. Doubtful my dad had no prior life before..deceased or not. I could have half siblings..being an only child that possibility drew me in.

As I navigated my way through young adulthood and moved to California. My search and curiosity was sidelined. Goals took front and center..the concrete I attained..buying a house, remodeling it..while finding someone I would feel comfortable marrying eluded me. 

In my early 30's I changed my name back to my mothers maiden name as my adoptive father had disappeared from my life for over a decade now.

The normal up and downs happened. Then late 2009 another shift occurred, I found out my stepfather had passed two years earlier in a horrible way. Without getting into those details..that journey of righting a wrong also lead me in earnest to try and find the story of my real father and that side of the family. With the internet I began searching his name, talking to organizations but I kept coming up with zero. Angelo Lazo was nowhere to be found. I kept at it until DNA became popular and in mid 2015..I tested. 

I kept looking up matches but all I found were distant matches that led nowhere and a second cousin on my moms side.

It was easy to tell who was who. Greece and the balkans/ Eastern European and Native American, Spanish, French.

I hired an investigator in 2017 and tried to reach out to a second cousin who finally tested on my dads side. Nothing.

I kept checking and thought maybe this was just not meant to be..an entire lifetime looking. Then..a first male cousin tested in May of this year 2019..and I discovered it July 1. I reached out and nothing. But now I was armed with his name.

I researched online voraciously. Lazaro was the last name. I found a deceased aunts obituary..but she was Albanian..huh? My mom said my dad was Greek.  But I had to follow the threads. Her brother, my father, Angelo Lazaro was mentioned and..his two sons Michael and Matthew. Gulp..I have two half brothers.

I kept on and realized my biological father died in 2013. I saw that the family business warehouse was only 6 blocks away from where I grew up.

So much to process...so many mysteries answered. My huge step was calling my brother Matthew. I decided to call him instead of Michael. As it turns out he would not have been available as he is in the beginning stages of dementia and his wife would ultimately not be open at this time.

I finally mustered the courage and called. He answered the phone and the conversation went much better than expected. He told me things that made sense..that Angelo had always wanted to be Greek..that they attended a Greek Orthodox Church. And things that surprised me..that he was an alcoholic. 

The second conversation was bumpy..but I wanted to meet him since I was already coming to Chicago. As fate would have it..I never canceled the trip and it came at just the right time after this life changing discovery.  So he agreed and we met.  Matthew should me pictures of my dad and even videos. It was surreal. 

I could not have planned this. And the long anticipated discovery happened. 

After this..the rest of the year saw me bolder. I attended the first retreat with my Catholic group end of August...and in September began hosting people at my home for dinners.

In the interim, I had been leading prayers for a friend battling ovarian cancer. She pulled through a huge rough patch and made it her birthday celebration in October.  This was the first time I was so intimately involved in praying, visiting and supporting someone who was battling an illness that only a miracle would cure. 

November saw me cook my first Turkey ever and host my first Thanksgiving ever. 

December came and my firsts were much more challenging. At first the fun continued by joining a winery with a friend( first time).

But I was sensing something was not right with my friend battling the ovarian cancer. I instinctively checked the obituaries and then came word she was in hospice and now we prayed for peace and comfort. She passed the next night. 

The first surrender of a long fight and the first visitation since my mothers death. During the visitation and funeral a challenging friend was making unreasonable demands. It was an exhausting time.

A brief repose Christmas Eve as a couple of friends and I booked a trip to Ireland for next May 2020...God willing celebrating our bdays there..a definite first.:-)

Christmas came with its own challenges as a guest got sick whom I had over. Before I could rap my head around that..the news came that an Airbnb guest who had been staying at my home for almost two weeks had unexpectedly passed. He was booked the room through mid January.

Such an intense miraculous year was ending with a reminder that it is a fleeting and unpredictable journey we are on.

That graces happen when you least expect them and even sad and challenging times bring out sides of you that are beneficial to you and everyone who crosses your path.

And on this NYE..I am still grateful. Things don't always work out as you hope and pray..but they do work out.  The Author of Life embraces our heartbreak and journeys with us in our redemption. 

Tonight we celebrate another year passing and another beginning. I am grateful for this temporary journey and open to what lies ahead. Trusting, listening, and learning more.  Acting with more prudence and more awareness. Where the road leads in 2020..I am not sure.

But the miracles of this year for me..I am soo grateful for. May God bless you and yours as we embark on a new year and decade. Trusting in the mystery and love.

Jesus Christ a Name that Divides

I recently got into a discussion on twitter  over baseball. For those of you who think that sports is  below your spiritual level  of enlightenment..  I have news for you. Baseball is an avenue  where some of us seek God. . and we find Him. But back to Jesus Christ. So you know I can talk about God.. about the Bible and even about sin and virtue and  all is well. However if I bring up Jesus and the conversation grows silent? If I point to Jesus as a model for men.. they grow silent. To be sure some take the leap and remember. Jesus Christ makes God real..and holds us and more specifically men to  the highest standard. It’s understandable. What is the first thing you think of when I mention Jesus Christ? A man..God... the dreaded.. Cross. Who is Jesus Christ on the cross? HE is God.. He is miracles.. He is forgiveness.. He is Love to the point of the ultimate self sacrifice. His ego is sacrificed.. he is not only humble.. but by our standards humiliated. He sacrifices his comfort.. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being spit on, mocked.. and physically and verbally abused..  Then carrying a cross.. the instrument you will be tortured and killed on.  He sacrifices his human will for the divine will.  Wow.. can you imagine begging for the cup of humiliation and suffering to pass and yet submitting. A man ???? HE is God so men either deny Jesus Christ as a  man and also as God.  For as a man he calls all men to this.. and as God he commands this.. why? Because He knows that this is how men are fulfilled. War..mass murders..suicide bombers.. they are imperfectly imitating divine self sacrifice.  To be certain there is only one Jesus. But he invites followers to take up t heir cross. Jesus/ God took on flesh and became man.. and the world still struggles with the Virgin birth.. with the immaculate conception.. with the God and man who healed..  who wept..  who was obstinate but in the end who loved enough..to give it all away and who saved us with his sacrifice. Yet He was exalted above every name. No wonder Jesus Christ is a Name that Divides. ReplyForward

Not in our image but HIS

One of the beautiful things about letting go of preconceived notions that don't work is you open yourself up to what you know is true and yet surrender to what you don't know. That is namely God on both counts.

I had a surreal experience a week ago after Mass. This particular attendance was about embracing a God that I know is good and that the absence of Him is evil. I surrendered to knowing His Love far supersedes any human love and that our capacity to Love only grows thru challenges, thru connecting with those in His image deeply and thru being connected to Him..the source of all our love. So I connected with that knowing and surrendered and stayed silent and got emotional and teared up.

The word too, who the bible says is Jesus, spoke to me. The various gifts we all have but they come from the same spirit..the Holy spirit. And even the Gospel about the wedding at Cana. How Mary help usher in Jesus ministry. It seemed the Holy Spirit, who had a special relationship with Mary and because of that bore Jesus were all there by the powerful word at the very least. Ok no paraphrasing--so at  the end of this story are the full scriptures.

And so with this I left, keeping the prayer alive in my heart and mind. It was pouring rain at 7pm this Sunday. And as I crossed the street right from the church..maybe 20 feet down the other side of the street. I heard a screech and cry "oh my God".  

I knew what this was without even turning. I prayed "Dear God in Heaven" and I turned around and ran to the scene of the accident. It was an elderly man named Bob, 85 who was down..his wife standing over him. The lady who hit him was not out yet. 

I did what came naturally. I kneeled down and stroked the man's arm and kept saying it is going to be ok. Soon more people came.

The woman who hit the gentleman, came out and was very distraught and guilt ridden. One gentleman squatted to provide rain cover for the means head and upper body with his umbrella. Another man came by and asked all kinds of questions like what is your name, how old are you, where are you..how do you feel? All the answers were lucid. The man who asked all the right questions was a trauma nurse. Before I go further, every one involved at this scene..including the unintended victim and the distraught driver were all parishioners who had just left mass.

The driver called 911 immediately but it seemed to take forever for the ambulance and paramedics to get there. The driver was so distraught and guilt ridden that no matter what I said to ease some of her responsibility she protested. I then just asked her to pray for Bob..say a rosary. 

45 minutes later..the rain cover and the consoler who kept saying positive things were still there.

His wife had fallen but gotten up I then learned as she was hit as well. The paramedics attended to her immediately and she was then taken to a an ambulance and treated...while we were waiting for the paramedics to attend to and take her husband Bob away.

The professionals stepped in and as they put him on a stretcher..I noticed a comb and a soak drenched purse. I returned it to the driver who was now far away talking to the police.

As Bob was being carried away I asked, where are you taking him? They said San Francisco General as no nearby hospital has a trauma center and they needed to take him there just in case. 

Bob seemed to be doing ok by all accounts except for a sore hip according to what the paramedics said and what I could observe.

The driver came to me to ask and I told her where they were taking him. She said " I am going to go are you going". I said good and no. I felt my role was finished at this time.

As I walked away soaked, I marveled at what had just happened. We all were there with our own gifts brought by the same spirit.

May we embrace God in whatever ways He reveal Himself to us and know that is not in our image but HIS.

Reading 21 COR 12:4-11

Brothers and sisters:
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; 
there are different forms of service but the same Lord;
there are different workings but the same God
who produces all of them in everyone.
To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit
is given for some benefit.
To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom;
to another, the expression of knowledge according to the
same Spirit;
to another, faith by the same Spirit;
to another, gifts of healing by the one Spirit;
to another, mighty deeds;
to another, prophecy;
to another, discernment of spirits;
to another, varieties of tongues;
to another, interpretation of tongues.
But one and the same Spirit produces all of these,
distributing them individually to each person as he wishes.

GospelJN 2:1-11

There was a wedding at Cana in Galilee,
and the mother of Jesus was there.
Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding.
When the wine ran short,
the mother of Jesus said to him,
“They have no wine.”
And Jesus said to her,
“Woman, how does your concern affect me?
My hour has not yet come.”
His mother said to the servers,
“Do whatever he tells you.”
Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washings,
each holding twenty to thirty gallons.
Jesus told them,
“Fill the jars with water.”
So they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them,
“Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter.”
So they took it. 
And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine,
without knowing where it came from
— although the servers who had drawn the water knew —,
the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him,
“Everyone serves good wine first,
and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one;
but you have kept the good wine until now.”
Jesus did this as the beginning of his signs at Cana in Galilee
and so revealed his glory,
and his disciples began to believe in him.

The Ultimate Challenge

About 5-7 years ago I took a strengths finder test at St. Dominic's and my number one gift deigned on me buy God was Command. Command connotes authority, decisiveness and courage. I admit I was not too thrilled with it at the time. It is not exactly the typical feminine profile. But then again--St. Catherine of Sienna and Joan of Arc had those gifts. Mother Theresa and Mary did as well even if they were more humble and soft spoken.

So now I embrace it…after all what choice do I have? Suffocating a gift is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

And that brings me to the real topic and a revelation at least for the moment. So first some caveats before I reveal what I am about to reveal. First, prayer and miracles happen all the time and you never know when…persistence is key. Second, I apologize in advance if this news causes distress or for some reason you feel you should have found out another way. Thirdly, It is my sincere hope that this particular blog entry is of spiritual, intellectual and emotional value for you.

So first the news and a lot of pour out of me reflection.:-)

As you know the Big C -- Christ is a big deal to me..HE has been for a very very long time. Perhaps HE has always been and always will be a big deal to me. I can't imagine any circumstance changing that. What the little c has taught me is that I am human, have real fears about death (I really like life)  and that the greatest challenges bring about untold blessing for you and others.

Yes the little c is cancer. So bear with me as I delve into the specifics. On April 6th of this year after monitoring a nodule discovered by accident for about 7 months, I underwent a needle biopsy on my right lung. I received the results on Wednesday April 8th of that week. That nodule was a carcinoid tumor very slow growing but none the less cancer.

Before I could wrap my brain around the news..I was scheduled for a battery of tests for the following week to see if the particular cells involved had gone awry elsewhere or if there was any metastasis. I had never in my life experienced moments of fear and paralyzation as I had about this news. I stayed positive most of the time but subconsciously the fear of the unknown weighed heavy on the back of my mind where I had pushed it. 

My control freak nature went on a rampage devouring every bit of information about the rare form of this particular cancer I had (only 5% of people get it) and there is no known cause or risk factor. I googled a special foundation, found support groups, specialized information, faith resources, and diet resources. And in this whirlwind with the constant support of good friends and family both near and far..I managed to at least still go to daily mass and pray.

Two epiphanies came. One is I was letting fear get in the way of my relationship with God, and two I surrendered and let God know and my cousin who heard my confession that even if it was my time and I was dying I still loved HIM. 

Now looking back it seemed mellow dramatic..but really we don't know when our time will come. It can be slow or it can be fast. Don't get me wrong, I pleaded, begged my Heavenly Father and had my core group do the same for healing for something that had not spread. But part of me finally realized in the end His will would be done. Nothing for me was ever so humbling.

The good news is after being poked a dozen times, going through countless CT scans..laughing and kidding around some of the time with them and then that crazy O scan..the full body scan the results came. They were all negative and my tumor was not very active. I have no doubt the grace of fervent daily prayer from my beautiful friends and family played a role. Right before I got the last bit of most important results on April 17th..I felt this palpable spontaneous peace. So yes if you are going to have cancer this is the best type to have and I am grateful.

I won't bore you with the details of all the due diligence I am doing now but I do know at some point I would like my experience to be a resource for others not only dealing with a cancer diagnosis but any major health problem.

My faith will get me through this, and although I can calculate what is likely to happen, even if I am right, I don't want to short change God and Love. So lets just say I will leave it in the hands of God to see how this chapter ends. But the good news is no matter what, it seems I will be one of the fortunate ones that has an end in sight to killing the cancer definitively. It may not be an easy solution but it will be swift, quick and permanent for this particular cancer if it agrees with God's will.

Ironically, there are a multitude of blessings already gleaned from this experience. Deeper self awareness, my love of life, my love of God, HIS love for me, my love of friends and family and their love for me, reconciliation, deeper compassion, the preciousness of life, greater courage to just stand up for what's right and quit weighing out what others will think and so much more. I have no doubt there are things I can't possibly recognize that are blessings.

So how can I leave you with some value here? Please please remember you are not alone...in your weakest moments God is there and the compassion and love people have hidden in the recesses of their heart comes out..God comes out. 

And what is the Ultimate Courage? To put the big C above the little c and every other letter in the alphabet.:-)  How? Well a start would be to acknowledge all of your self in the most trying of moments and never give up on God or Love. To reach up and out and pour yourself out. The biggest gift you have is the biggest gift for you. The biggest gift you have is the love God wants to pour out from you. Don't stop it when it comes because suffocating it is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

Where the Heart is

Funny to be publishing this on St.Patrick's day. But it is certainly a celebration of the heart for the Irish and those adopted Irish who celebrate His feast day.

This month has certainly been joyous for my heart. Sometimes we are led to a path out of challenge, or an intense desire or a logical next step. The beauty is that eventually if that path poses challenges against where your heart really is…where your heart is will eventually win.

Of course this applies to romance but that is not the focus of this blog. I will add a few lines about romance though as here to I learned a lot about while in LA. I learned tat where you heart really is is eventually revealed. You just have to give it time.

Thats why when it is not love but need, desire or attachment or any combination thereof it is always best to let it go. Where-ever your heart really is will win out anyway and it will be clear. You give yourself and the other person a gift, and you grow and move on to the possibility of real love happening. And if your heart is free and open it will happen.

So where is my heart? It's in the bay and with my home. I fought that as long as I could, wanting to give the acting in LA a real chance. I did for as long as I could. It's not easy turning your back on a door when it is just opening up but I just could not "live or love" there any longer. With time how LA fits into my life will become apparent.

The blessings that happened while I was in LA are so vast that I can't count them all. I met some very kind and gentle souls, I have an amazing agent in LA now, I participated in a bunch of short films and had a lead role for the first time. I put my reel together and made good contacts. I had amazing and heart breaking experiences there and I would not trade them.  My experiences in LA has caused a unique growth. However, for now I have gone where my heart is, and I feel much contentment and peace.

In our journey in this life God's will becomes apparent in the doors He opens and closes repeatedly. In that moment to moment journey we embrace the ups and the downs knowing that with time His will will become apparent and where the heart is.

The Challenges are a Blessing in Disguise

I read in someone's profile recently some wise words..behold the wonderment of life but know that there also challenges and that we can get thru them.

I dug deeper this week as it was one of my more challenging weeks with quite a few curve balls thrown my way.  In baseball, when you anticipate a curve ball then you can prepare but when you don't then you swing badly….but thats the beauty you reflect and you practice.:-)

And so I practiced self reflection, I had to to make sense of the pain. The event and circumstances is one thing but it's what is triggered in me that I looked at more deeply. What did I do well, how do I feel about what I did not do well? What was the unexpected result or blessing that came out of it? How can I be more gracious in my  actions/decisions when I make them and in my responses when I am caught by surprise and most importantly..how can I be gracious no matter what the result is?

It is easy to blame others..it is quiet another to embrace where they are at and where you at and what  you and they have done and then in dignity and with courage respond in kindness and decisively when it becomes clear how you want to respond. 

Reactions to an event that causes you harm are usually only necessary in an emergency or life threatening situation..but even then there is the grace of God giving you a choice on how to respond. And if you have time to think and to collect your emotions..take it.  Weigh it out. Their needs, your needs..what is fair..call on friends who give you wise input and then turn to the Lord if the still quiet voice has not spoken yet…decide and then act.

The result is many times not as bad as you initially think..you learn about the other person..you learn about yourself.  The result in the end probably led you to a desired outcome or to a more authentic place. The ones where you are in each others lives for a reason are blessed. The other's that are in each other's lives for a season are blessed and the one's designed to accompany you for the journey are blessed.

All are blessings and we have to be thankful..we each help or helped each other grow.

Our Lord and Savior is the model of how to handle challenges. The pain was real and the result seemed horrible. However, his human nature grew in love for us as his divine nature and calling lead him down a unique and loving path.  He received the greatest glory and worship in the end. And the result for us too is an undeserved and huge blessing…perhaps our biggest blessing of all. A self-sacrificial love that if we accept and walk in HIS path will lead us to a joy filled life, the greatest aid to face our challenges and an army here on earth and in heaven ready to assist you on this journey and get you safely to an even better place with an even greater promise in the end.:-)

As we start the month of February, I think of January and embrace the changes in me and my life and I give thanks to God and those who touched me this month in kind and not so kind ways.:-) 

I look forward to the Superbowl, to Lent, to the day of love and friendship and embrace this glorious journey where we are invited to grow…painful yes..but it is the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves. Thank you Lord for gifting us with this life full of blessings and wonder, full of love and full of challenges…all for your glory and our sanctification.

Reflect and be grateful when challenges come for they are a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes We Need the Desert

I was struggling this month for a theme. Sometimes the events don't directly inspire a theme and then it just comes.

This month has many events I have written about in the past like Epiphany, MLK day and of course the Walk for Life in SF and DC.

But as decisions and transitions always do for me, I self reflect. At first I do what comes naturally for me as an extrovert, I embrace the people in my path and around me. It energizes me and invigorates me and I feel a zest and purpose. It is also my way of processing. Once I gain experience in a certain realm, I generally make decisions instinctually. My instincts are rarely wrong.

I think hope and positivity sometimes gets me into trouble. I always am creative at finding solutions and finding ways to grow but we all have our limits. Humbly, I have found my own. Does it mean I can never outgrow them? No. But it does mean I must respect them and honor them. Love indeed is powerful and can conquer all but I again think that in my zeal to want Love, I try to make it happen.

I try to find the ingredients and the timing and the head tries to make things work and here in is the rub. The head tries to make it work when in essence it is God that has either gifted Love or has not. Still blessings abound as we learn and grow.

Humbly, I now have fairly unbendable standards as I patiently wait for God to guide and gift. Yes fun times and connecting with people on deep levels and serving and learning are all so valuable.

But I find I also desperately need those moments, longer moments when I go into the desert as Jesus did to be with God. The answers there in that silence speak louder than any words can.

I think many social movements that change society start in those desert moments. I think the depth of an epiphanic event deepens in those desert moments. 

Jesus gave us the model.  Festive , as some despairingly called Him a glutton and a drunkard, who also was with the masses to help and heal but then would retire into the desert.

God bless you on your journey toward connecting, communing and having joy. But when you need to as well, you might find like me that sometimes we need the desert.

In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights

As we approach Christmas Day....Christmas Eve is that night of wonder. The night of anticipation as the wise men headed toward the Messiah the King of Kings...wrapped in swaddling clothes.

A beautiful helpless baby awaits in Bethelehem. I am sure this baby-God was different and special. I wonder how developed his motor skills were and what kind of assimilation HE had.

I say this because I as a mere mortal have many memories of being a baby. I have memories of seeing and feeling my arms gyrating about as I had little control over them. I remember feeling as if my head had some cotton in it.

I remember many cynical thoughts and the desire to control my environment and my body.

So how was my Lord? I can't even begin to imagine. John the Baptist lept in Elizabeth's womb at perceiving Jesus at scarcely what  was weeks or 1 to 2 months old in Mary's womb.

Amazing facts were relayed in oral tradition and the written, but they are not unfathomable. This holy night makes me reflect on how Mary gave birth. Without a hospital or a midwife, she gave birth. How was this childbirth different and how was it the same?

So many questions about the holiest night that ever was. When God became Man. He started differently, with no male DNA but a heavenly one had begotten him. He had Mary's DNA and her DNA was not typical either. As Catholic's we believe she was immaculately conceived. The only human to be since the fall. And this so she could house God in man. True man and True God...something simple and yet hard to comprehend.

But this miracle was our biggest Joy. We saw God act in the flesh. We saw him heal, raise the dead, pray fervently, commune with sinners and teach with parables, with authority and humility. We saw him finally embrace the ultimate sacrifice of love. Not just death, but humiliation, emotional, physical mental and spiritual suffering. Thru that act he triumphed and we win because of it.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Tonight we await. The birth of a babe, a sweet, dependent and humble baby. We await that magical moment of mother and child embracing and Joseph hovering in protection. Joseph was destined to be Jesus adoptive father...the lineage predicted it so.

And so this most holy of nights, I reflect on this holy family and I am so grateful and humbled at all their faith and sacrifice. Their love for God, prepared them to love each other and have the most awesome responsibility and privilege to take care of and nurture their Savior.

And Love does that doesn't it? It saves us, it redeems us. If Salvation came thru a babe, then we are now the heirs. We are now responsible and privileged to help continue the salvific and redemptive plan. As we graft ourselves to HIM, we continue HIS work.

And what a wondrous start as we are born again in remembering HIS birth and waiting in awe, vulnerability and humility. We are graced to witness God and HIS Love with unspeakable joy. May this awe filled and holy Christmas Eve grace us with the gift of deep abiding Salvific and Redemptive Love. 

May we continue HIS plan, HIS play, HIS art in the unfolding drama and joy that Love is. Let us humbly await and embrace the Great "I am" in preparation to follow and surrender to his Lead of Love with even deeper grace In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights.

Choose the Gospel because it brings Joy always

Do you know you cannot serve two masters? Money or Love. Fear or Love. If you serve God and Love...the rest falls into place.

A theme that has come up often lately is preaching and acting one way at mass and religious activities and then acting different in different settings outside in the world. We can even preach to ourselves but if we don't truly believe it or embrace it with our hearts, this dichotomy will happen.

I think as humans we lie to ourselves too much. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and put false limits on our abilities and capacity to love. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and say the behavior of loving neighbor as self or loving our enemy brings joy but our practical lives more often say the opposite. Sometimes we are open about our gratitude and praise of God in religious circles, on facebook but not on the job or when we are around people we do not think share our faith.

I am guilty of this in spades. But the beauty is that if it is true, (hint: it is), then you can change and test the concept out. Test it out when it is least likely to work or in a new situation or as a new reaction. Keep it up for an hour, then for a day and then a week and see what happens. If your new behavior rewards you by feeling peace, love and perhaps a better relationship then your belief will change..ever so slowly but surely.

That deep belief that just knows. Like the belief you have that the sun will rise again the next day. Do you ever have doubt the sun will rise? I think deep belief that has been rewarded is real belief but it has to happen as consistently as the sun rising every day.

It does not always mean you will be rewarded with expected or external outcomes 100% of the time. But I have a feeling the internal peace will always be there. Because the reward is predicated on what works internally for internal motivations, the external will be there and it comes and goes but your behavior will bring you peace. 

It is also such a nice way to treat ourselves. Not believing we are our mistakes. Making reparations and repenting when we deceive ourselves and/or others by preaching one action and doing another, making a promise based on a feeling and failing to live it up to it, breaking our commitments and promises and the list goes on.

We have to be honest and then we have to choose to love by how that looks for the moment.

I had a conversation recently with someone on how some people who claim to have no faith oftentimes are humbler, kinder and better at living the faith then we who are religious. We both said simultaneously...how embarrassing.

Too dating has taught me this. It does not matter if someone goes to church weekly, daily, says the rosary every night or goes to adoration every day. This in and of itself does not make you a truly loving person, a person who knows their heart and can speak truth from it and live up to it. A person who sees the dignity of another and has the courage to do the right thing. It has not been true of me nor the gentlemen I have dated.

So what I am not advocating is giving up religious practice but to bring that practice into your life fully. When you think no-one is seeing you or when you are faced with a less than a holy action from a random stranger or someone close to you. If you don't have the strength, say a prayer.

Once we are honest about our own hypocrisy we can then turn to God and  He can help us make the changes that are sometimes small ones and sometimes big ones. Take your words seriously, take your actions seriously, and take your thoughts seriously. Put them all on God. 

God's grace can cover a lot and Jesus has indeed redeemed us but if we really believe in the heavenly banquet then all the more reason to share it and let the love flow. It is the most beautiful gift you can give to God. Receiving his love and forgiveness and loving Him and then mirroring that love and forgiveness to others and by consequence to yourself and getting it back. Even if all you can do is pray for someone because you are afraid to love more, because there is a riff, because someone is your enemy..its a start and God will give you strength for more. And the biggest challenge is loving when you suffer or see others suffer, turning more toward God more toward love...there will still be joy when the tears clear.

Have faith the future is bright here and our eternal destiny is in an even more beautiful and loving place with the Almighty who is Love and designed us for this. Choose the good news, the Gospel because it brings Joy always.