The Cat Who Wasn’t for Sale: A Tribute to Teddi Bear

 

Sometimes an unexpectedly deep connection happens with an animal, one of the wonders of God's creation. That happened with Teddi Bear almost instantly after I met her. She was patient when I was immature during her kitten years and remained so through my impatience over the decades. She was tender, playful, and always had her "meowing" conversations with me.

She graced guests, friends, and even casting directors with her attention and affection. She made everyone feel like they were special. She went to the beach and hung out at cafes. Even into her 17th year on planet Earth, she would sit and roll over on command. She accompanied me as I set up my classroom and traveled joyfully with me from LA to Burlingame and back.

A Different Kind of Connection

I have had many pets through the years. I grew up with German Shepherds, and as fond as I was of them, I never really missed them once they were gone. Later, I had Shadow and Smokey, and while I grieved them, the connections were brief or complicated.

But Teddi was different. I adopted her on Labor Day, specifically looking for a gray kitten. Little did I know that my initial fondness for her unique personality would lead me to a place where I simply loved her "too much." Even when I adopted Emma later—a mercy adoption for a black kitten who had been abused—the bond I enjoyed most was watching the two of them spar and groom one another.

I tell you this to illustrate how unbelievably unique Teddi was. I embarrassingly once told a friend that I dreaded the possibility of a cat living 24 years, yet when she turned 17, I realized every day was a gift. Perhaps my earlier "dread" was just a defense against the knowledge that she could leave sooner than I thought. Denial is a great antidote to the pain that eventually comes.

The Star of the Room

Teddi was confident in her own skin. She would wear plastic skirts she managed to get into, walk with me on the beach leashless, and sit comfortably in moving cars.

When she was three, I was in acting school in LA and had to move to an apartment that didn't allow cats. A renter took care of her for a month. When I returned, he told me, "I have a proposition for you... I want to buy Teddi for $3,000." I told him she simply wasn't for sale.

When she was five, she accompanied me to a Petco commercial callback. As the six casting directors sat in an "L" shape, I had Teddi sit and roll over. Then, I let her off her leash. She literally jumped onto the first casting director's lap, schmoozed for a few seconds, and moved to the next. By the time she hit the sixth lap, they were all wowed. They said, "We don’t want you—we want her!"

Even as recently as 2021, a renter asked if he could clone her. She was a smooth operator—the more people at a party, the better. She met everyone with a quiet graciousness and poise that made her irresistible.

The Last Journey

The last time she accompanied me while I worked out at home still tugs at my heart. She was already struggling to eat and was hiding in the closet, but she came out just to be near me. That was when I noticed her infection had returned. I knew it meant another emergency vet visit. I told her through the stress, "I can’t keep spending this kind of money," but of course, I took her.

Her immune system was weakening. Scarcely three weeks later, she was gone. Her last week, I knew it was serious. I bawled uncontrollably. The ultrasound confirmed tumors and fluid; she was tired.

On her last night, she was so weak she laid her head on her water bowl. I took my pillow and laid on the floor next to her. I told her, "You can let go, don’t worry about me." After about an hour, she summoned the strength to get up and jump onto her perch next to my bed—just to be close to me one last time and get me off the floor. I told her I loved her a hundred times. By the next afternoon, she wouldn't even be tempted by a Churu. It was time.

Final Thoughts

It has taken me a long time to finish this. I started this blog on November 25th and tried to finish it in January at Sundance. Even at the height of my acting career, I was weeping for her in private. Today is March 5th, and I am finally ready to share her story.

She is at Pets Rest in Colma. Her headstone is going in this April, followed by a fence and plants. She was special. She was different. Seventeen years of that personality wove its way into my heart. I am so grateful she came into my life.

Love you, Baby Bear. Love you forever.

Embracing Palm Sunday

Every year..holy week feels a little different. Last year I spent it in LA, as I was ready to go back to the bay and begin filming my first supporting role in a full feature independent movie. Although it had been a challenging Lent with my apartment falling apart in Burbank, I had an incredible blessing awaiting me. That experience was not only one of a kind for me but it lead to a different course in my life professionally and personally.

This year Lent, I by and large I sacrificed more and focused on Almsgiving, trying to keep the sabbath holy and praying more.

One unexpected blessing was an answer to prayer for someone else. I had been praying daily for a friend to find a job as she was graduating with her Masters in May.  I had been praying since late January and mid March had come and gone and still no word. Also the company she interned with had announced layoffs, and yet shortly after that lateast week she received an offer from them. I could not believe how incredibly happy I was for her. What seemed unlikely given the timing in the end worked itself out.

It is one of the biggest joys for me to pray fervently daily for someone..sometimes weeks, sometimes years and have that prayer answered.  It makes me so joyous for them and also makes me believe in the power of prayer. I also have to remember to stop praying for that but soon someone else is in need so the void is filled. :-)

As we start holy week, I reflect on what Jesus embraced out of love.  Love is humbling, powerful and the very act of self emptying. And it is that Love that redeemed and saved us. I look forward to the culmination of the week. The miracle of the resurrection..which proves no matter what the cost or the doubt,  if we persevere we gain a blessing beyond the cost or doubt and it strengthens us. 

This Lent too I focus on a different type of project..one that has been delayed and derailed since 2021. It is my hope its gives me the freedom to be here and in LA. 

I look forward to this week knowing a big rainbow lies ahead. May we embrace Palm Sunday and find joy and celebrate in others blessings and know that we too are being prayed for and blessed.

End of Christmas...ordinary time

 

Today I took down the Christmas ornaments and lights and other Christmas decorations.  The tree stands barren with a nativity scene as the focus on Christ's birthday and baby Jesus shifts to ordinary time tomorrow.

Ordinary time which is most of the time in the Church calendar year. Of course no time is ordinary in our lives. But there are seasons in Christ's life that are poignant.  His birth and what that means and his passion and resurrection and what that means.

Each teaches us something no matter how many times we celebrate and travel alongside.

But the end of Christmas is different from the end of Lent. Lent has the culmination of Easter and a 50 day celebration after 40 days of Lenten fast. The end of Christmas is the end of awe, wonder, and joy. We know what comes next in the not too distant future. But today I reflect on the trust, innocence and wondrous deed of the incarnation. Today the three magi arrive days later to see what we could not see. I wonder if we could really see if we were there. But I am comforted by Christ saying that blessed are those who believe even though they did not see.

On a personal note, this Christmas season brought about many little miracles that continue my phase of a new direction and beginning. The prevailing sentiment is peace mixed with a little bit of a roller coaster. What gives me peace is that God's will is always accomplished. It becomes easier when we allow and cooperate with his guidance and voice. 

So as tomorrow begins ordinary time, may the end of Christmas infuse it with extraordinary thoughts and actions being led by the Lord.

New Beginnings

This is the second week of advent 2024. This year has seen a sea of change for me both professionally and personally. And I ask new questions now, and some of the answers have taken time and others have not been answered. Patience is easier when you finally have seen God work things out enough times that you have faith that God works things out to the next steps and in the end. I actually find joy in asking questions now. It is as if I am discovering myself for the first time.  

Professionally,  Acting was always a bit of a reluctant call. Love the art but am afraid of the unknown and of my own judgement. Acting is such a personal art and it is collaborative. That collaboration with people who were unfamiliar was a challenge for me. Before I would take almost any job in the field and now after hitting a milestone professionally and moving away from  LA, I can no longer do that. I am more discerning and honest with myself. What lies ahead depends on how I answer the questions I am asking myself and God. 

Personally both in friendship and romance--I reflect a lot more when I feel disrespected or in low priority.  Oftentimes, silence has the answers that words can not provide. The decisions take time but they do come. In new relationships--I take my time and discern and when I choose to respond--I have been gifted the grace to do so chartiably. Being honest with yourself is not easy. Eventually. operating on fear becomes a non productive habit. 

The fruit of all of this has mainly pleasant aspects now. The pleasant is peace, patience, joy and humility and the unpleasant is unexplained loneliness at times. The process to get here involved struggle, detachment, feeling stuck, fighting myself and anger. Growth is never easy but it is worth it. The miracle that comes is when the doors finally open and the past doors finally close. It is at once unexpected and a great relief.  Place holders are removed and you finally feel yourself moving forward. 

The one gift that I have been graced with is intuition and trusting that that comes when it comes. Listening to it is always the way forward.  As the Advent season progresses, I find my calendar full with good choices. FOMO only applies to the stock market. :-) But with every new struggle..I will find that answer. The struggle is a new opportunity for growth.  

This season of Advent is teaching me that some old traditions are good and some no longer feed the season. It teaches me that Jesus is not the same or stagnant even in celebrating his birth year in and year out.  He is always waiting and welcoming us to New Beginnings.

Merry Christmas

It has been a while since I have been inspired to write. 2023 was a very challenging year for me..filled with lots of unique experiences...different choices than I normally make and much painful growth. A lot of the time I closed my heart sometimes without intention and sometimes with. But that has led me to writing this day.I have never chosen to write about the birthday that changed the world  and doing it on  Christ's actual birthday.

A lot of peace permeates me now as I write this. There is a lot of  misinformation surrounding the celebration of December 25th as the actual day of Christ's birth. If you want to know more about that here is a link--https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/why-december-25

This holy day has become a holiday with the symbols of gifts, which the wise men were bearing, Christmas trees ( tree of life, evergreen tree symbolizing eternal life believing in Jesus) writing cards (which seems to be just a recent custom replacing letters) and Santa Claus ( Saint  Nicholas who had legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus ("Saint Nick") through Sinterklaas.)

This day marks the day The word of God became flesh. This year for me had me pause more than other years to think and feel what that means. Too much emotion, anticipation and expectation flooded past Christmases with family, friends and significant others. This year those elements were certainly there but I was also more peaceful. This year three attempts to schop down a Christmas tree met with odd interruptions that prevented it from happening. A tradition I had for 20 plus years. From that flowed the decision to skip sending Chrstmas cards this year...something I had done since I was 25.  I chose to spend it in LA with new experiences and with new acquaintances. And even that came with signs making it easy for me to choose. 

Life has its challenges and crosses and I thank God for the days filled with grace. Hope is the antidote to most of our ills..for it brings joy. Hope in this life and hope in the afterlife and resurrection. All is possible and the hurdles we must jump to get there makes us not only stronger but more appreciative of the blessing.

These next twelve days I promise to open my heart again and bring love and joy to people and creatures that cross my path. I opened my heart to my cat Emma..almost gave her up. Bringing the medical records and hearing her reactions and fate as well as discussing what really is required to have her live a normal cat life. I guess a life on meds for her is not all bad when faced with the alternative.

If you are joyful and blessed this Christmas I am happy for you and give thanks. If you are somewhere in between or worse than that...My heart breaks for you and my hope is that you find the joy in what Jesus birthday really means and the blessings that will flow from there.

God coming into this world as one of us  means we can overcome as well albeit with falls along the way. Salvation history would not be continuing if we did not have a purpose in it. You have a purpose in it...in what seems immediate and apparent and what is not apparent.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Freedependence day ( 4th of July)

Our culture and its evolution in this country especially in the last 70 years has been nothing short of mind bending for a lot of us. But with every change even the not so good ones as far as for the good of society lends an opportunity for charity. So much of the time we take personal offense at things and fail to see that even in disagreement we can be charitable. Sometimes charity means stepping away and letting those people are that person know, we/I am here for you if you choose to not self-destruct but I am going to walk away if you persist in your self destructive ways. Love/charity does not always seem kind. But it certainly is for the good of the other and for the good of the self.

Freedom has its positives and negatives and is by design, divine design. Freedom from our own self destructive ways of thinking..lots of times unconscious is perhaps the greatest challenge. By setting ourselves free we can help set others free and vice versa.

With Freedom we have the ability to do great harm to others and ourselves. We each twist our perception of reality to be the end all be all. But we each have the freedom to choose God and to be as charitable as we wish.  God works through each one of us to influence and add to this journey of life. Some will challenge us and others will agree and it all serves its purpose.

In the end the freedom we have been given and how we choose to respect and challenge each other's freedom is ours to make.  Divine providence prevails and in that too we have the freedom to accept or fight it as well. If we choose to depend on God..that too is our freedom to choose. The freedom to choose back as He is always ready to help.

Happy Freedependence day and embrace our country's gifts and flaws and know we are here for a great reason..to help and to heal each other by design with God guidance and help as we freely depend on Him.

Forgiveness

 

Rarely is this voice heard or if heard respected. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, to the injuring party and to the world. In this Easter Season there have been many moments I found joy, lightness and openness and many times I have felt loss, aloneness and pain. That is the process leading to forgiveness. Sometimes there are patterns that repeat itself in relationships and you have to stop the pattern. And sometimes stopping that pattern requires saying true things that change the other's perspective and the way they choose to move forward or not. When this pattern for you finally ends, you may feel relief.  

But a choice follows.

You can choose to blame yourself, the other person or God or life circumstances, your parents or all or part or a myriad of other options or you can just choose to forgive everyone you blamed.

There is a freedom in forgiving yourself, the other person and your false concept of God (or whomever else you blamed). It lifts the cloud and makes you light. It allows you to face the music and let others handle things their own way. It allows you to let go and move on. What follows is that you open to new experiences,  new people, and to God in a different way. You open to whatever comes or does not come your way. It frees you to see that sometimes you don't see and so you forgive that too,

Forgiveness takes many forms. The past is one..the present is another and the future requires another. Sometimes you will fail in the moment but the goal remains the same. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

For me and God..I think I took the signs as an answer. Perhaps the answer was to open up and keep walking through problems over and over again because I kept seeing signs and progress. I have to believe the purpose is growth now. Many beautiful gifts come from a failed relationship. But I have to be honest and say..in hindsight I would have stopped walking through the problems a long long time ago. On the other hand, I learned to the very end something very valuable had I not walked through the problems until I could no more. In any case God uses every choice the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly for His grand purpose. And I am grateful I don't get to know or judge.

If it took this experience to learn the beauty, the power and the healing effect of forgiveness then it was well worth it.  It's a muscle I will have to use over and over for myself and others. I hope to give God the reins fully one day..it seems to work for a lot of people but that process for me now still requires  discernement, pondering and the free will choice to continue down this path of faith.

One day I will look back and say this major shift led to this wonderful new path and the timing was right and it never would have been if this other thing did not happen or end when it did or the way it did. 

Forgiveness is what drew me back to faith. The famous passage while Jesus was hanging on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  That touched me in a way nothing else did when I came to know the purpose of life. Give that voice/whisper a chance.  Forgiveness is one of the more beautiful gifts God has taught us about and it works.