Embracing Palm Sunday

Every year..holy week feels a little different. Last year I spent it in LA, as I was ready to go back to the bay and begin filming my first supporting role in a full feature independent movie. Although it had been a challenging Lent with my apartment falling apart in Burbank, I had an incredible blessing awaiting me. That experience was not only one of a kind for me but it lead to a different course in my life professionally and personally.

This year Lent, I by and large I sacrificed more and focused on Almsgiving, trying to keep the sabbath holy and praying more.

One unexpected blessing was an answer to prayer for someone else. I had been praying daily for a friend to find a job as she was graduating with her Masters in May.  I had been praying since late January and mid March had come and gone and still no word. Also the company she interned with had announced layoffs, and yet shortly after that lateast week she received an offer from them. I could not believe how incredibly happy I was for her. What seemed unlikely given the timing in the end worked itself out.

It is one of the biggest joys for me to pray fervently daily for someone..sometimes weeks, sometimes years and have that prayer answered.  It makes me so joyous for them and also makes me believe in the power of prayer. I also have to remember to stop praying for that but soon someone else is in need so the void is filled. :-)

As we start holy week, I reflect on what Jesus embraced out of love.  Love is humbling, powerful and the very act of self emptying. And it is that Love that redeemed and saved us. I look forward to the culmination of the week. The miracle of the resurrection..which proves no matter what the cost or the doubt,  if we persevere we gain a blessing beyond the cost or doubt and it strengthens us. 

This Lent too I focus on a different type of project..one that has been delayed and derailed since 2021. It is my hope its gives me the freedom to be here and in LA. 

I look forward to this week knowing a big rainbow lies ahead. May we embrace Palm Sunday and find joy and celebrate in others blessings and know that we too are being prayed for and blessed.

New Beginnings

This is the second week of advent 2024. This year has seen a sea of change for me both professionally and personally. And I ask new questions now, and some of the answers have taken time and others have not been answered. Patience is easier when you finally have seen God work things out enough times that you have faith that God works things out to the next steps and in the end. I actually find joy in asking questions now. It is as if I am discovering myself for the first time.  

Professionally,  Acting was always a bit of a reluctant call. Love the art but am afraid of the unknown and of my own judgement. Acting is such a personal art and it is collaborative. That collaboration with people who were unfamiliar was a challenge for me. Before I would take almost any job in the field and now after hitting a milestone professionally and moving away from  LA, I can no longer do that. I am more discerning and honest with myself. What lies ahead depends on how I answer the questions I am asking myself and God. 

Personally both in friendship and romance--I reflect a lot more when I feel disrespected or in low priority.  Oftentimes, silence has the answers that words can not provide. The decisions take time but they do come. In new relationships--I take my time and discern and when I choose to respond--I have been gifted the grace to do so chartiably. Being honest with yourself is not easy. Eventually. operating on fear becomes a non productive habit. 

The fruit of all of this has mainly pleasant aspects now. The pleasant is peace, patience, joy and humility and the unpleasant is unexplained loneliness at times. The process to get here involved struggle, detachment, feeling stuck, fighting myself and anger. Growth is never easy but it is worth it. The miracle that comes is when the doors finally open and the past doors finally close. It is at once unexpected and a great relief.  Place holders are removed and you finally feel yourself moving forward. 

The one gift that I have been graced with is intuition and trusting that that comes when it comes. Listening to it is always the way forward.  As the Advent season progresses, I find my calendar full with good choices. FOMO only applies to the stock market. :-) But with every new struggle..I will find that answer. The struggle is a new opportunity for growth.  

This season of Advent is teaching me that some old traditions are good and some no longer feed the season. It teaches me that Jesus is not the same or stagnant even in celebrating his birth year in and year out.  He is always waiting and welcoming us to New Beginnings.

Merry Christmas

It has been a while since I have been inspired to write. 2023 was a very challenging year for me..filled with lots of unique experiences...different choices than I normally make and much painful growth. A lot of the time I closed my heart sometimes without intention and sometimes with. But that has led me to writing this day.I have never chosen to write about the birthday that changed the world  and doing it on  Christ's actual birthday.

A lot of peace permeates me now as I write this. There is a lot of  misinformation surrounding the celebration of December 25th as the actual day of Christ's birth. If you want to know more about that here is a link--https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/why-december-25

This holy day has become a holiday with the symbols of gifts, which the wise men were bearing, Christmas trees ( tree of life, evergreen tree symbolizing eternal life believing in Jesus) writing cards (which seems to be just a recent custom replacing letters) and Santa Claus ( Saint  Nicholas who had legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus ("Saint Nick") through Sinterklaas.)

This day marks the day The word of God became flesh. This year for me had me pause more than other years to think and feel what that means. Too much emotion, anticipation and expectation flooded past Christmases with family, friends and significant others. This year those elements were certainly there but I was also more peaceful. This year three attempts to schop down a Christmas tree met with odd interruptions that prevented it from happening. A tradition I had for 20 plus years. From that flowed the decision to skip sending Chrstmas cards this year...something I had done since I was 25.  I chose to spend it in LA with new experiences and with new acquaintances. And even that came with signs making it easy for me to choose. 

Life has its challenges and crosses and I thank God for the days filled with grace. Hope is the antidote to most of our ills..for it brings joy. Hope in this life and hope in the afterlife and resurrection. All is possible and the hurdles we must jump to get there makes us not only stronger but more appreciative of the blessing.

These next twelve days I promise to open my heart again and bring love and joy to people and creatures that cross my path. I opened my heart to my cat Emma..almost gave her up. Bringing the medical records and hearing her reactions and fate as well as discussing what really is required to have her live a normal cat life. I guess a life on meds for her is not all bad when faced with the alternative.

If you are joyful and blessed this Christmas I am happy for you and give thanks. If you are somewhere in between or worse than that...My heart breaks for you and my hope is that you find the joy in what Jesus birthday really means and the blessings that will flow from there.

God coming into this world as one of us  means we can overcome as well albeit with falls along the way. Salvation history would not be continuing if we did not have a purpose in it. You have a purpose in it...in what seems immediate and apparent and what is not apparent.

Merry Christmas!

Forgiveness

 

Rarely is this voice heard or if heard respected. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, to the injuring party and to the world. In this Easter Season there have been many moments I found joy, lightness and openness and many times I have felt loss, aloneness and pain. That is the process leading to forgiveness. Sometimes there are patterns that repeat itself in relationships and you have to stop the pattern. And sometimes stopping that pattern requires saying true things that change the other's perspective and the way they choose to move forward or not. When this pattern for you finally ends, you may feel relief.  

But a choice follows.

You can choose to blame yourself, the other person or God or life circumstances, your parents or all or part or a myriad of other options or you can just choose to forgive everyone you blamed.

There is a freedom in forgiving yourself, the other person and your false concept of God (or whomever else you blamed). It lifts the cloud and makes you light. It allows you to face the music and let others handle things their own way. It allows you to let go and move on. What follows is that you open to new experiences,  new people, and to God in a different way. You open to whatever comes or does not come your way. It frees you to see that sometimes you don't see and so you forgive that too,

Forgiveness takes many forms. The past is one..the present is another and the future requires another. Sometimes you will fail in the moment but the goal remains the same. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

For me and God..I think I took the signs as an answer. Perhaps the answer was to open up and keep walking through problems over and over again because I kept seeing signs and progress. I have to believe the purpose is growth now. Many beautiful gifts come from a failed relationship. But I have to be honest and say..in hindsight I would have stopped walking through the problems a long long time ago. On the other hand, I learned to the very end something very valuable had I not walked through the problems until I could no more. In any case God uses every choice the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly for His grand purpose. And I am grateful I don't get to know or judge.

If it took this experience to learn the beauty, the power and the healing effect of forgiveness then it was well worth it.  It's a muscle I will have to use over and over for myself and others. I hope to give God the reins fully one day..it seems to work for a lot of people but that process for me now still requires  discernement, pondering and the free will choice to continue down this path of faith.

One day I will look back and say this major shift led to this wonderful new path and the timing was right and it never would have been if this other thing did not happen or end when it did or the way it did. 

Forgiveness is what drew me back to faith. The famous passage while Jesus was hanging on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  That touched me in a way nothing else did when I came to know the purpose of life. Give that voice/whisper a chance.  Forgiveness is one of the more beautiful gifts God has taught us about and it works.

The Holy Trinity, Love and Each Other to Help Us Find the Way

2020 was supposed to be a year of clarity and maybe it is.  Aside from Covid -19 which has altered our life as we slowly find joy in a modified fashion..we have seen our own humanity in light amidst the darkness.

Perhap it's fitting to reflect on Holy Trinity Sunday...so much has happened liturgically. We went thru Lent, the Passion, Resurrection, Eastertide and Pentecost. Today is a reflection of All of God..the Holy Trinity.

There is no question we all have our blind spots. If we could see them perhaps we would, and perhaps we can't see them simply because we are not ready to see them.

This past couple of weeks I have seen a lot of emotion most focused on a small set of circumstances. The full truth is rarely sought. Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, peace, injury, help, courage,  group think and comfort and healing have all been on display these past two weeks.

I am grateful for those who comforted those who mourned, protected those businesses who were attacked, for those that helped clean the messess created by chaos and for those who prayed. These are our better angels. 

Perhaps unjust suffering, abuse and murder can best be seen in what Jesus allowed, embraced and endured. If you have doubt this happened..I suggest you research and look it up. And He was innocent. Not only did He not have a rap sheet, or was drunk/high or resisted where he was lead, he actually had a history of healing, dining with the criminals of that time, and helping those who persisted in their pleas..even if they were not his target mission.

How does this inform us today..in our current crisis and climate? That unjust horrific things do happen and that always thru the Holy Spirit's courage, kindness and peace..good comes out in the end.

In the chaos of things..we don't see the final picture. It is our collective blindspot. So while non innocent men and women are abused and killed and property is destroyed and pillaged, we have a choice. Our response is a choice, but our reaction is not so much.

All of us are not innocent and yet some of us are quick to lay blame on everyone else as being more guilty. Some of us are so guilty that instead of sowing seeds of change within us we excuse all bad behavior.

Whose fault is it that the injustices and blind spots occur? It is all our fault. Some cross the line and have to be held to account. Some abuse this hurt to take and hurt and hopefully are held to account. 

We are by nature in a fallen and disordered state. It's what causes the pain, blame and the indifference ..but that's not the end of the story. Through redemption, through mercy, through correction and through divine help..we get not only through it..but become better, stronger, wiser, with stronger discipline and with a bigger capacity to love.

And that was the reflection at mass today. Through our heads..some things we just can't understand like the nature of one God in three persons...The Holy Trinity. The only way we know people deeply is through love, and the same for knowing God.

Perhaps the way we will know the abusers and the victims is through love.  And perhaps this is what we will learn thru our heart break..is how to love. May the unseen and least understood advocate, Paraclete and comforter guide us through it all. He can if we give him a chance.

The battle already has been won..death has been defeated and our life has been given a divine boost to the gifts God already has imbued in us at birth.  Yes, we may still be blind..but with an open heart we will find the way.

And as we keep getting lost, we keep getting found and reminded of what is possible despite the evil that persists. The big war has already been won, but we still must battle the war within so we can heal the war outside. We don't have to do it alone. We have the Holy Trinity and love and each other to help us find the Way.

Rise From the Dead

Happy Resurrection Sunday! In today's gospel Lazarus is raised from the dead after being in the tomb 4 days by Jesus.

 Jesus knew that this delay would be to glorify God.

Jesus also loved Lazarus and his sisters so He wept. Then raising His eyes to heaven he said in a loud voice to rise and walk out.

John 11:1-45

Perhaps this scripture can give us some insight on how to handle our CV crisis.

God is infinitely and exponentially more powerful and  than this or any virus. And where science leads and teaches us..the gap to God's love and power and peace is gargantuan.

There is no doubt this is a precarious time for us as a global community and country. We all process information differently and have our own unique trigger points.

Our economy is shut down and many of us are physically isolated. We are concerned for those at risk and want to protect them.

But where is God in this for you? Our fear may drive us to Him in desperation or away from Him toward science and logic and of course some no only don't believe but have disdain for Him..why would He allow this? How could Jesus allow Lazarus to die? How could God allow his only begotten son Jesus to go thru the passion and Crucifixion?

In this scripture..a tragedy was allowed so we could glorify God. How can we glorify God thru this ordeal?

Jesus wept. How can we show compassion and also weep? 

Jesus acted by looking to the heavens and raising Lazarus from the dead. How can we raise our eyes to heaven and act to save lives?  Most of our roles are to sit at home and physically isolate. How can we glorify God and raise our eyes to heaven even if this all we do? Perhaps if we do, HE can inspire us do other things as well. We are designed to help in our unique ways. Let's allow God to magnify that.

We all have faith that we can help and that this will pass. This is the good that God has instilled in us. This CV crisis has connected all of us..worldwide in a way few things could have. Jesus coming back would be one. :-)

But how much more can we do if we put Him first?

He is constantly calling us but we have the choice to ignore and follow our own self direction. He has created us to be free. It is a collective choice we have made more often than not to be self directed..it is our human condition. And so perhaps we are here because of our choices.

So I am here advocating for us to make different choices. Who is first now? Science? Logic? Denial? Yourself? Your family? The common good? 

Almost none of these are bad things. But none should be first. God should be first. Why?

Well let's drill down a bit. The author of life and the Universe promises peace. Peace be with you. Will you get their with one quick prayer, or a rosary or family prayer at night. If this is the first time you are doing it and are not surrendering wholeheartedly...maybe not.

But you have to start from where you are. If you only practice one thing daily let it be your anchor.

The rosary may be your anchor if the Eucharist and Eucharistic adoration are not available. Just know we all have an anchor to the divine and no one can take that away...not even CV.

If the  Scientists, the President, the Surgeon General you and me anchor ourselves to God how much more correct can our thoughts and actions be?  Even though we are in a very precarious position, panic and fear that are an engine unto itself will not lead us to make the best choices. Sometimes we have to act fast but more often that not calm will help much more.

Who can lead us? God. He is ready, willing and able to help. Do we have faith that He can?  Can He help the scientists get inspired after sweating it out to come up with an anti-viral that works at least some of the time at least. How about a concoction of antivirals that helps more while we wait for the breakthrough? There are a myriad of other solutions. It can happen and it will..perhaps exponentially faster if we lean into GOD.

If God leads we will NOT want to party on or be so holed up in our house that we don't look for safe ways to help others. We will stop keeping the focus on ourselves to the point where it hinders us to do things that help others as HE inspires us and at worst paralyzes us.

How does panic help us devise solutions in the future to get back to work, keep those vulnerable safe and allow them time to get some fresh air without us putting them and each other in harm's way?

We can do sooo much but, how much more can we do with God's help? He is already trying to help and sometimes we are so caught up in panic and charts that we can't just stop and see what He is trying to do. He has the answers so why not ask, and then let Him lead as we get to work.

This crisis will pass but we will create another if we can't put God first. 

It is both ironic and a blessing that this is happening during Lent. Jesus was in the wilderness alone praying for 40 days. We are following him more closely now than most of us ever have.

For once we can stop, pray and surrender all our fears, anxiety, anger, denial or our unique combination of ways that we process this unique challenge. He wants to help you. Will you let Him? Do you have faith? God is good always and if we choose Him, we are choosing good.

That also means suffering. It is part of our redemption. But even in this aspect..surrendering to suffering instead of fighting it ironically means we suffer less.

So I will end with sharing some little miracles that happened this week.  On Monday I had a furuncle or boil removed. I had a lot of subconscious anxiety in the morning. I worked out because I knew I may not be able to for a bit after the procedure. 

This most routine of incisions involves a surgeon. That combined with this unique moment in time (with CV and the shelter in place) and I knew that all the anxieties and pre-occupations most have with this challenging time would make it so that challenge was mine alone to handle with God and precious few others for support. All of this I pushed aside as I prayed and focused where I needed to focus: on God and then on the medical professionals and how I could make this a holy moment. 

In the doctor's office the injections to numb the area around the mass burned and hurt. The cutting and removing the gunk came next. After the procedure, I saw the blood on the dressing and realized yeah its routine but still a procedure.

After it was done I was relieved and felt happy. I thought let me stop by a local church and maybe if the door is open I can pray. So after the 30-40 minute procedure I drove there. The door was open!

I walked inside and much to my amazement they were giving communion. All masses are suspended, and this was being videotaped apparently. I walked right in and received Jesus for the first time in a week. What an amazing blessing. What serendipity! I could not have dared to ask for this grace nor timed it more perfectly. Grace happened.

I cried a bit on the drive home as I looked to the heavens and thanked God. His love is steadfast and true. 

Some people reached out with calls, as did I, and the sense of connection and concern was more magnified.. even with a much smaller circle.

Later in my week amidst my humanity of being responsible and taking care of myself, I had many days of obstacles. I initially failed to turn to God. When I finally did..I was able to more calmly get past the obstacle. 

The blessing's kept coming. My agent sent me a voice over audition..not my specialty but a safe way to continue with that aspect of my call. 

And then the biggest blessing of all, because of YOU sheltering in place not only did I learn that hospitals in the peninsula and SF are NOT experiencing a surge, but by this action YOU allowed that same local church to gain permission from the SMC health oficial to allow communion today this Sunday. This church was allowed because they had ample space outside to keep 6 ft apart and because we are NOT in a dire situation.

Thank YOU for doing your part.

Rain was expected this morning. So as I often say..I don't tempt God so I came with rain gear. It never rained at the 9:30am distribution, a blessing to not stand in the rain.

There were volunteers making sure the 6ft rule was observed and giving hand sanitizer right before receiving communion in your hand. The priest was wearing gloves AND serving the communion with cute little tongs.

And how can I forget..confession. The  6ft spacing and the window was open in the room. I was able to confess. This was the first time I had ever felt so sorry for my sins. It was a confession from the heart. Many of my confessions have been from my head. That was what CV allowed me to do. 

Our collective suffering can be transformed by Love...by God. Jesus showed us the power of love through HIS suffering to create not only Peace but something Salvific. Because Love is Salvific, God can do the same with us now and when this finally passes. Will you join Him and let Him?

Lent will be over soon...holy week awaits.  The Resurrection will come! We all will pass one day and we all will be resurrected one day. The question is will you be ready and can you now... Rise from the Dead.

Division's Spiritual Purpose

I can't recall an election nor an outcome that has stirred as many thoughts and emotions as this last one. The divisions were stark and they seem to be taking on new life.

Before I get into a view of the spiritual meaning behind unity and division, I wanted to explore what happened with me and where I am at. I am hoping that perhaps both you and I can be enlightened in the process.

As most know and can ascertain by reading my blog, I lean right. It is perhaps a combination of the way I was raised, how I was formed by the things I read and studied, my life experience and my temperament.  That being said, I found President Trump as a candidate..one of the most distasteful people to ever run for office.  Ideology aside, I found his behavior and words in both business and in his personal life to be vile and self serving.

As things revealed became more outrageous, I lost patience with those that supported Trump as a means to stop Clinton or because he was pro-life or the supreme court justice or...you get the picture.They were so strongly anchored that it really did permit him to do or say anything and people would still support him.

I found such irrationalness even in California. I tried to reason with people that despite how you may feel about Hillary's character and ideology..she was going to win California period. So why not vote for someone whose character is far better than Trump's and whose ideology you would also agree with. I suggested a conservative independent candidate, Evan McMullin.

No..they burrowed in irrationally that voting for an independent is a throw away vote. I tried to make them see that voting for Trump in California is a throw away vote...Hillary would win California and it would not be close. They critiqued the independent candidates policy as if Trump's policies were 100% in line with their viewpoints...they were not.

In the end, for me I could not support someone who supported him. It caused me to divide as I felt by respecting them their choice and freedom..I was enabling them. I felt that strongly about how immoral this choice was. And I joined the left and other moral right leaning friends in fighting against Trump. To be fair and purely for ideological reasons...I fought against Obama in 2008. How odd for me to voting against someone's character this time around.

Fast forward to election night, and I was shell shocked that Trump won. I literally felt it to be a voter rebellion against the status quo. They gave an immoral at best and near criminal in his business practices at worst
and his treatment of the weaker and women, a free pass to the presidency.

After the shock, my right leaning brain slowly but surely saw the potential benefits that could transpire with this election. With that mindset and also the respect for voter will even if it is against my own..I started making peace with the outcome. Though Trump's ideology was not consistently right..it was more so than the last 8 years. 

I began to see positives in his character like his work ethic and the value and relationship he has with his family. To be fair the egotism and thin skinned character flaws did not disappear...but I took it in stride like dealing with a petulant child. As long as laws were not broken or past indiscretions revived..I would be ok with him as President. I gave him a clean slate..the office merited it.

I understand the fear people have...I had it too before the election and had it with President Obama. But I also saw really good changes despite many mistakes and ideological differences in Obama's presidency. I even wrote to him to reconsider some ideological view points. Whether it was he or a staffer that responded, I was heartened that he did. It was a political answer to be sure but it still felt good to be heard.

I wrote him with respect while admiring his passion for the poor and disadvantaged. I could and would rise beyond the disagreements. I am not quite there with President Trump because as much as he has already done ..he has not accomplished anything yet. But I am hoping for the best and will engage him if need be.

I guess this is the beauty of being an American and a Christian. You fight for what you feel is right, you sacrifice if need be but you also respect and engage the President. I do see the value in protest sometimes but to be honest...sometimes I see it is an infantilism. 

We don't always get what we want and rehashing the same thing when it is past and gone seems to cling to a reality that simply does not exist. 

Which brings me to division again. Spiritually, Jesus called us to united in vision and action in HIM. And yet he did bring division. He asked his disciples to give up family, job and a way of life and eventually their own life. It makes sense if HE is saving us from sin, death and bringing life, joy and healing. If HE is the author of life it seems and all humanity..not choosing HIM seems self destructive. And yet after that choice has been made..you are to now be unified.

Perhaps it is too simplistic to say that when Christians were divided this election cycle..their allegiance was not Jesus but their view of what Christian principles dictate or what someone in authority said that convinced them they were in the right. I think it is a helpful exercise to examine and be honest about one's true allegiance. It looks like getting closer to God will reveal it as stated in Hebrews 4:12

Whatever our collective motivations are what we can agree on is that we are way more divisive than not. And what perhaps divides us is our fearful allegiance to our self, our family or group. We all feel comfortable with our viewpoint and value system and we see others as trying to rob us of that.

And perhaps if our allegiance was really Jesus and God then we would shake the dust off our shoes to those that shun our message and say peace be unto this person, family and group.

Division's spiritual purpose can be light or dark. The nice thing is the Victor has already shown us the way...divisions dark forces sometimes bring about the greatest light and example of love.

Not in our image but HIS

One of the beautiful things about letting go of preconceived notions that don't work is you open yourself up to what you know is true and yet surrender to what you don't know. That is namely God on both counts.

I had a surreal experience a week ago after Mass. This particular attendance was about embracing a God that I know is good and that the absence of Him is evil. I surrendered to knowing His Love far supersedes any human love and that our capacity to Love only grows thru challenges, thru connecting with those in His image deeply and thru being connected to Him..the source of all our love. So I connected with that knowing and surrendered and stayed silent and got emotional and teared up.

The word too, who the bible says is Jesus, spoke to me. The various gifts we all have but they come from the same spirit..the Holy spirit. And even the Gospel about the wedding at Cana. How Mary help usher in Jesus ministry. It seemed the Holy Spirit, who had a special relationship with Mary and because of that bore Jesus were all there by the powerful word at the very least. Ok no paraphrasing--so at  the end of this story are the full scriptures.

And so with this I left, keeping the prayer alive in my heart and mind. It was pouring rain at 7pm this Sunday. And as I crossed the street right from the church..maybe 20 feet down the other side of the street. I heard a screech and cry "oh my God".  

I knew what this was without even turning. I prayed "Dear God in Heaven" and I turned around and ran to the scene of the accident. It was an elderly man named Bob, 85 who was down..his wife standing over him. The lady who hit him was not out yet. 

I did what came naturally. I kneeled down and stroked the man's arm and kept saying it is going to be ok. Soon more people came.

The woman who hit the gentleman, came out and was very distraught and guilt ridden. One gentleman squatted to provide rain cover for the means head and upper body with his umbrella. Another man came by and asked all kinds of questions like what is your name, how old are you, where are you..how do you feel? All the answers were lucid. The man who asked all the right questions was a trauma nurse. Before I go further, every one involved at this scene..including the unintended victim and the distraught driver were all parishioners who had just left mass.

The driver called 911 immediately but it seemed to take forever for the ambulance and paramedics to get there. The driver was so distraught and guilt ridden that no matter what I said to ease some of her responsibility she protested. I then just asked her to pray for Bob..say a rosary. 

45 minutes later..the rain cover and the consoler who kept saying positive things were still there.

His wife had fallen but gotten up I then learned as she was hit as well. The paramedics attended to her immediately and she was then taken to a an ambulance and treated...while we were waiting for the paramedics to attend to and take her husband Bob away.

The professionals stepped in and as they put him on a stretcher..I noticed a comb and a soak drenched purse. I returned it to the driver who was now far away talking to the police.

As Bob was being carried away I asked, where are you taking him? They said San Francisco General as no nearby hospital has a trauma center and they needed to take him there just in case. 

Bob seemed to be doing ok by all accounts except for a sore hip according to what the paramedics said and what I could observe.

The driver came to me to ask and I told her where they were taking him. She said " I am going to go are you going". I said good and no. I felt my role was finished at this time.

As I walked away soaked, I marveled at what had just happened. We all were there with our own gifts brought by the same spirit.

May we embrace God in whatever ways He reveal Himself to us and know that is not in our image but HIS.

Reading 21 COR 12:4-11

Brothers and sisters:
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; 
there are different forms of service but the same Lord;
there are different workings but the same God
who produces all of them in everyone.
To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit
is given for some benefit.
To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom;
to another, the expression of knowledge according to the
same Spirit;
to another, faith by the same Spirit;
to another, gifts of healing by the one Spirit;
to another, mighty deeds;
to another, prophecy;
to another, discernment of spirits;
to another, varieties of tongues;
to another, interpretation of tongues.
But one and the same Spirit produces all of these,
distributing them individually to each person as he wishes.

GospelJN 2:1-11

There was a wedding at Cana in Galilee,
and the mother of Jesus was there.
Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding.
When the wine ran short,
the mother of Jesus said to him,
“They have no wine.”
And Jesus said to her,
“Woman, how does your concern affect me?
My hour has not yet come.”
His mother said to the servers,
“Do whatever he tells you.”
Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washings,
each holding twenty to thirty gallons.
Jesus told them,
“Fill the jars with water.”
So they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them,
“Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter.”
So they took it. 
And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine,
without knowing where it came from
— although the servers who had drawn the water knew —,
the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him,
“Everyone serves good wine first,
and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one;
but you have kept the good wine until now.”
Jesus did this as the beginning of his signs at Cana in Galilee
and so revealed his glory,
and his disciples began to believe in him.

The Challenges are a Blessing in Disguise

I read in someone's profile recently some wise words..behold the wonderment of life but know that there also challenges and that we can get thru them.

I dug deeper this week as it was one of my more challenging weeks with quite a few curve balls thrown my way.  In baseball, when you anticipate a curve ball then you can prepare but when you don't then you swing badly….but thats the beauty you reflect and you practice.:-)

And so I practiced self reflection, I had to to make sense of the pain. The event and circumstances is one thing but it's what is triggered in me that I looked at more deeply. What did I do well, how do I feel about what I did not do well? What was the unexpected result or blessing that came out of it? How can I be more gracious in my  actions/decisions when I make them and in my responses when I am caught by surprise and most importantly..how can I be gracious no matter what the result is?

It is easy to blame others..it is quiet another to embrace where they are at and where you at and what  you and they have done and then in dignity and with courage respond in kindness and decisively when it becomes clear how you want to respond. 

Reactions to an event that causes you harm are usually only necessary in an emergency or life threatening situation..but even then there is the grace of God giving you a choice on how to respond. And if you have time to think and to collect your emotions..take it.  Weigh it out. Their needs, your needs..what is fair..call on friends who give you wise input and then turn to the Lord if the still quiet voice has not spoken yet…decide and then act.

The result is many times not as bad as you initially think..you learn about the other person..you learn about yourself.  The result in the end probably led you to a desired outcome or to a more authentic place. The ones where you are in each others lives for a reason are blessed. The other's that are in each other's lives for a season are blessed and the one's designed to accompany you for the journey are blessed.

All are blessings and we have to be thankful..we each help or helped each other grow.

Our Lord and Savior is the model of how to handle challenges. The pain was real and the result seemed horrible. However, his human nature grew in love for us as his divine nature and calling lead him down a unique and loving path.  He received the greatest glory and worship in the end. And the result for us too is an undeserved and huge blessing…perhaps our biggest blessing of all. A self-sacrificial love that if we accept and walk in HIS path will lead us to a joy filled life, the greatest aid to face our challenges and an army here on earth and in heaven ready to assist you on this journey and get you safely to an even better place with an even greater promise in the end.:-)

As we start the month of February, I think of January and embrace the changes in me and my life and I give thanks to God and those who touched me this month in kind and not so kind ways.:-) 

I look forward to the Superbowl, to Lent, to the day of love and friendship and embrace this glorious journey where we are invited to grow…painful yes..but it is the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves. Thank you Lord for gifting us with this life full of blessings and wonder, full of love and full of challenges…all for your glory and our sanctification.

Reflect and be grateful when challenges come for they are a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes We Need the Desert

I was struggling this month for a theme. Sometimes the events don't directly inspire a theme and then it just comes.

This month has many events I have written about in the past like Epiphany, MLK day and of course the Walk for Life in SF and DC.

But as decisions and transitions always do for me, I self reflect. At first I do what comes naturally for me as an extrovert, I embrace the people in my path and around me. It energizes me and invigorates me and I feel a zest and purpose. It is also my way of processing. Once I gain experience in a certain realm, I generally make decisions instinctually. My instincts are rarely wrong.

I think hope and positivity sometimes gets me into trouble. I always am creative at finding solutions and finding ways to grow but we all have our limits. Humbly, I have found my own. Does it mean I can never outgrow them? No. But it does mean I must respect them and honor them. Love indeed is powerful and can conquer all but I again think that in my zeal to want Love, I try to make it happen.

I try to find the ingredients and the timing and the head tries to make things work and here in is the rub. The head tries to make it work when in essence it is God that has either gifted Love or has not. Still blessings abound as we learn and grow.

Humbly, I now have fairly unbendable standards as I patiently wait for God to guide and gift. Yes fun times and connecting with people on deep levels and serving and learning are all so valuable.

But I find I also desperately need those moments, longer moments when I go into the desert as Jesus did to be with God. The answers there in that silence speak louder than any words can.

I think many social movements that change society start in those desert moments. I think the depth of an epiphanic event deepens in those desert moments. 

Jesus gave us the model.  Festive , as some despairingly called Him a glutton and a drunkard, who also was with the masses to help and heal but then would retire into the desert.

God bless you on your journey toward connecting, communing and having joy. But when you need to as well, you might find like me that sometimes we need the desert.

In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights

As we approach Christmas Day....Christmas Eve is that night of wonder. The night of anticipation as the wise men headed toward the Messiah the King of Kings...wrapped in swaddling clothes.

A beautiful helpless baby awaits in Bethelehem. I am sure this baby-God was different and special. I wonder how developed his motor skills were and what kind of assimilation HE had.

I say this because I as a mere mortal have many memories of being a baby. I have memories of seeing and feeling my arms gyrating about as I had little control over them. I remember feeling as if my head had some cotton in it.

I remember many cynical thoughts and the desire to control my environment and my body.

So how was my Lord? I can't even begin to imagine. John the Baptist lept in Elizabeth's womb at perceiving Jesus at scarcely what  was weeks or 1 to 2 months old in Mary's womb.

Amazing facts were relayed in oral tradition and the written, but they are not unfathomable. This holy night makes me reflect on how Mary gave birth. Without a hospital or a midwife, she gave birth. How was this childbirth different and how was it the same?

So many questions about the holiest night that ever was. When God became Man. He started differently, with no male DNA but a heavenly one had begotten him. He had Mary's DNA and her DNA was not typical either. As Catholic's we believe she was immaculately conceived. The only human to be since the fall. And this so she could house God in man. True man and True God...something simple and yet hard to comprehend.

But this miracle was our biggest Joy. We saw God act in the flesh. We saw him heal, raise the dead, pray fervently, commune with sinners and teach with parables, with authority and humility. We saw him finally embrace the ultimate sacrifice of love. Not just death, but humiliation, emotional, physical mental and spiritual suffering. Thru that act he triumphed and we win because of it.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Tonight we await. The birth of a babe, a sweet, dependent and humble baby. We await that magical moment of mother and child embracing and Joseph hovering in protection. Joseph was destined to be Jesus adoptive father...the lineage predicted it so.

And so this most holy of nights, I reflect on this holy family and I am so grateful and humbled at all their faith and sacrifice. Their love for God, prepared them to love each other and have the most awesome responsibility and privilege to take care of and nurture their Savior.

And Love does that doesn't it? It saves us, it redeems us. If Salvation came thru a babe, then we are now the heirs. We are now responsible and privileged to help continue the salvific and redemptive plan. As we graft ourselves to HIM, we continue HIS work.

And what a wondrous start as we are born again in remembering HIS birth and waiting in awe, vulnerability and humility. We are graced to witness God and HIS Love with unspeakable joy. May this awe filled and holy Christmas Eve grace us with the gift of deep abiding Salvific and Redemptive Love. 

May we continue HIS plan, HIS play, HIS art in the unfolding drama and joy that Love is. Let us humbly await and embrace the Great "I am" in preparation to follow and surrender to his Lead of Love with even deeper grace In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights.

Choose the Gospel because it brings Joy always

Do you know you cannot serve two masters? Money or Love. Fear or Love. If you serve God and Love...the rest falls into place.

A theme that has come up often lately is preaching and acting one way at mass and religious activities and then acting different in different settings outside in the world. We can even preach to ourselves but if we don't truly believe it or embrace it with our hearts, this dichotomy will happen.

I think as humans we lie to ourselves too much. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and put false limits on our abilities and capacity to love. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and say the behavior of loving neighbor as self or loving our enemy brings joy but our practical lives more often say the opposite. Sometimes we are open about our gratitude and praise of God in religious circles, on facebook but not on the job or when we are around people we do not think share our faith.

I am guilty of this in spades. But the beauty is that if it is true, (hint: it is), then you can change and test the concept out. Test it out when it is least likely to work or in a new situation or as a new reaction. Keep it up for an hour, then for a day and then a week and see what happens. If your new behavior rewards you by feeling peace, love and perhaps a better relationship then your belief will change..ever so slowly but surely.

That deep belief that just knows. Like the belief you have that the sun will rise again the next day. Do you ever have doubt the sun will rise? I think deep belief that has been rewarded is real belief but it has to happen as consistently as the sun rising every day.

It does not always mean you will be rewarded with expected or external outcomes 100% of the time. But I have a feeling the internal peace will always be there. Because the reward is predicated on what works internally for internal motivations, the external will be there and it comes and goes but your behavior will bring you peace. 

It is also such a nice way to treat ourselves. Not believing we are our mistakes. Making reparations and repenting when we deceive ourselves and/or others by preaching one action and doing another, making a promise based on a feeling and failing to live it up to it, breaking our commitments and promises and the list goes on.

We have to be honest and then we have to choose to love by how that looks for the moment.

I had a conversation recently with someone on how some people who claim to have no faith oftentimes are humbler, kinder and better at living the faith then we who are religious. We both said simultaneously...how embarrassing.

Too dating has taught me this. It does not matter if someone goes to church weekly, daily, says the rosary every night or goes to adoration every day. This in and of itself does not make you a truly loving person, a person who knows their heart and can speak truth from it and live up to it. A person who sees the dignity of another and has the courage to do the right thing. It has not been true of me nor the gentlemen I have dated.

So what I am not advocating is giving up religious practice but to bring that practice into your life fully. When you think no-one is seeing you or when you are faced with a less than a holy action from a random stranger or someone close to you. If you don't have the strength, say a prayer.

Once we are honest about our own hypocrisy we can then turn to God and  He can help us make the changes that are sometimes small ones and sometimes big ones. Take your words seriously, take your actions seriously, and take your thoughts seriously. Put them all on God. 

God's grace can cover a lot and Jesus has indeed redeemed us but if we really believe in the heavenly banquet then all the more reason to share it and let the love flow. It is the most beautiful gift you can give to God. Receiving his love and forgiveness and loving Him and then mirroring that love and forgiveness to others and by consequence to yourself and getting it back. Even if all you can do is pray for someone because you are afraid to love more, because there is a riff, because someone is your enemy..its a start and God will give you strength for more. And the biggest challenge is loving when you suffer or see others suffer, turning more toward God more toward love...there will still be joy when the tears clear.

Have faith the future is bright here and our eternal destiny is in an even more beautiful and loving place with the Almighty who is Love and designed us for this. Choose the good news, the Gospel because it brings Joy always.

Angels, Our Heavenly Messengers

Today is the feast of Saints Michael, Gabriel and Raphael the Archangels in the universal church. This day brings a smile to my face as my name also reflects the angels.

I believe we are all at one time or another in each others lives angels. We send heavenly messages to each other. On the flip side, and I don't wish to dwell on this now, we can often times be messengers from the opposing team.

But it is the heavenly messengers that bring light, love and hope. Last night, my new friend Michelle brought a heavenly message to me. The truth of our hearts we can most assuredly deny and do our own will. But God is the author of our hearts and of love and HIS will will be done or it is to our detriment. We must simply open, surrender and agree.

As my friend and I were discussing, to love is not an easy call. For both man edify's woman and woman teaches man how to love. A man and a woman love on a superficial realm in the beginning. He loves with his eyes and the emotions that flow from his heart based on that and the woman's qualities. The woman loves what she hears and receives from the man. She loves his words and his gifts of love and service.

This is all wonderful and necessary but the call to love is deeper. It reaches into the heart of truly putting the other before yourself. This means that other important relationships and  other things that are important to you take second place. For it is really how a new creation is born. It is a hard call. We all have things we hold dear to our heart. And I dare say those same things is what is an obstacle in our relationship with God.

We are to love God first and then everyone else and everything else. It is not based on conditions or in certain circumstances, it is absolute. But we put our work, our  hobbies, our money, our children, our parents, our passions, our intellect, our pride or our self preservation first. Our treasures are all unique and not necessarily just one. 

I know the one story many people have a stumbling block with is the story of Abraham and Isaac. (Genesis 22:1-9; For an interesting analysis http://christianity.about.com/od/Old-Testament/a/JZ-Sacrifice-Of-Isaac.htm) God had promised Abraham many things thru Isaac and yet was now asking to slay him.

In Abraham's view he had faith that God would reconcile the act somehow because of God's earlier promises and so he was going to follow through having full faith that God would vindicate him. It was a test of faith. As we know an angel came and stopped Abraham from slaying Isaac.

Which brings us to tests. God tested Abraham. Whether we like it or not tests help ferret out loyalty and trust. It is not conditional or based on the circumstances.

How many of us would pass this test? I dare say not many even if God had earlier promised blessings predicated on Isaac living. We would rationalize that God does not work this way, that it must be satan giving this suggestion and we are mistaking it for God. 

The thing is God wants us to surrender and trust him. Of course He does not want what is bad for us but what is good. And sometimes what is good is disguised in what we think we don't want. None of us want to suffer, to give up what is dear to us, and yet loves call is that and it is for our greater good. 

Abraham's acts of faith gave him even greater faith and his honor multiplied. He is the Father of the faithful and by Jesus referred to him as "Your father Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it and was glad." Obviously the sacrifice of his son was also a symbolic of God's love for us where by Jesus his only begotten was sacrificed for us. And yet again the glory and triumph  of Jesus resurrection and to whom every knee will bow was the reward.

We have to trust. I have to trust that God's will will be done and I must just surrender my heart to him and trust that the love he has put there will be for my greater good.

Which bring me back to my friend Michelle and the call to the vocation of marital love which obviously happens before the marital vows are spoken. For God brings two souls together for His purpose and those two can not have any other person or thing before that love or it can not be. It does not depend on the circumstances or conditions. Love is a gift from God and we either surrender to it or impose our own will when the trials get to hard or the tests are too great.

Love is not a legal contract or dependent on where the relationship is at. It is all encompassing and a purging. It purges us of our pride, our other interests, our work and other attachments. In our Catholic ceremony the priest is just a witness to the public profession of love before God. God brought them together and what God brought together no man should try to divide. That love was there before the vows and the vows simply make it formal and the bodies then reflect what the souls already know, the self surrender to one another and in that self surrender open to the gift of God love and sometimes children.

Marriage is a symbol or a sacrament that mirrors our relationship with God. The new creation puts God first. It is not two individuals putting God first but a new creation of one with two members putting God first and by natural extension each other.

Do we naturally love this way? Yes and no. Yes I think God call's us in every stage of our life to love but our fears which breed our pride often times cloud the right thing to do in love.

And this brings me back to angels. We can invoke their help in prayer and supplication. We can pray to the others guardian angel for help in helping them guide their way.

And we must trust that those angels have very special heavenly messages for us and it is up to us to listen and surrender and follow because we trust God and His plan. Thank you God, Our Heavenly Father, for Angels, Our Heavenly Messengers.

Peace Be Unto You

I was going to write about another topic but decided this one was far better given the Easter season and what has inspired me.

When Jesus came back after the resurrection, the oft phrase he used in greeting and leaving was "Peace be unto you." I won't be getting into the theological significance of that but instead a share one view of a personal experience I am going thru.

My journey the last year has been unique and interesting. I had and came out of one of the more significant relationships in my life. My tenacity and intellectual desire to fix what was not right came out in a big way. But something that needs to be fixed repeatedly is simply something that at best does not work and at worst is broken.

I learned that all that glitters is not gold. I learned that fast is not good.  I learned that ignoring my intuition is not good. I mistook desire and need for love. I learned that God indeed speaks to us and cares and that I finally had the courage to listen and act. I am learning to trust that what God has in mind for me is much better. I am learning by experience that 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is true.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

In the midst of this process, God was and is weaving something else for me. It was something I could not have foreseen. It is something that began and grew under the most unusual of circumstances and kept growing in the silence of my struggles. It is something that survived my grieving and eventual loss of my prior relationship.

It quite simply was a friendship that was blooming, and the peace that came from it as the value, care and freedom afforded it manifested itself was not anything I had experienced before.

No one knows what the future holds. But I am grateful that despite all my struggles this last year, that one strong and unwavering light still burns brightly. I am grateful that I can experience freedom and yet feel valued and wanted and supported. 

And most of all I am grateful that God is in charge and not I. May HIS will be done, and may you too surrender to HIS will and experience many precious and very sweet moments of peace. May they grow to be permanent no matter what the circumstances or what you are feeling at the moment. Because what he is weaving in you and in all of us if we trust and follow is Gold, a pure heart of Gold for HIS glory. Peace be unto you.