New Beginnings

This is the second week of advent 2024. This year has seen a sea of change for me both professionally and personally. And I ask new questions now, and some of the answers have taken time and others have not been answered. Patience is easier when you finally have seen God work things out enough times that you have faith that God works things out to the next steps and in the end. I actually find joy in asking questions now. It is as if I am discovering myself for the first time.  

Professionally,  Acting was always a bit of a reluctant call. Love the art but am afraid of the unknown and of my own judgement. Acting is such a personal art and it is collaborative. That collaboration with people who were unfamiliar was a challenge for me. Before I would take almost any job in the field and now after hitting a milestone professionally and moving away from  LA, I can no longer do that. I am more discerning and honest with myself. What lies ahead depends on how I answer the questions I am asking myself and God. 

Personally both in friendship and romance--I reflect a lot more when I feel disrespected or in low priority.  Oftentimes, silence has the answers that words can not provide. The decisions take time but they do come. In new relationships--I take my time and discern and when I choose to respond--I have been gifted the grace to do so chartiably. Being honest with yourself is not easy. Eventually. operating on fear becomes a non productive habit. 

The fruit of all of this has mainly pleasant aspects now. The pleasant is peace, patience, joy and humility and the unpleasant is unexplained loneliness at times. The process to get here involved struggle, detachment, feeling stuck, fighting myself and anger. Growth is never easy but it is worth it. The miracle that comes is when the doors finally open and the past doors finally close. It is at once unexpected and a great relief.  Place holders are removed and you finally feel yourself moving forward. 

The one gift that I have been graced with is intuition and trusting that that comes when it comes. Listening to it is always the way forward.  As the Advent season progresses, I find my calendar full with good choices. FOMO only applies to the stock market. :-) But with every new struggle..I will find that answer. The struggle is a new opportunity for growth.  

This season of Advent is teaching me that some old traditions are good and some no longer feed the season. It teaches me that Jesus is not the same or stagnant even in celebrating his birth year in and year out.  He is always waiting and welcoming us to New Beginnings.

Happy Freedependence day ( 4th of July)

Our culture and its evolution in this country especially in the last 70 years has been nothing short of mind bending for a lot of us. But with every change even the not so good ones as far as for the good of society lends an opportunity for charity. So much of the time we take personal offense at things and fail to see that even in disagreement we can be charitable. Sometimes charity means stepping away and letting those people are that person know, we/I am here for you if you choose to not self-destruct but I am going to walk away if you persist in your self destructive ways. Love/charity does not always seem kind. But it certainly is for the good of the other and for the good of the self.

Freedom has its positives and negatives and is by design, divine design. Freedom from our own self destructive ways of thinking..lots of times unconscious is perhaps the greatest challenge. By setting ourselves free we can help set others free and vice versa.

With Freedom we have the ability to do great harm to others and ourselves. We each twist our perception of reality to be the end all be all. But we each have the freedom to choose God and to be as charitable as we wish.  God works through each one of us to influence and add to this journey of life. Some will challenge us and others will agree and it all serves its purpose.

In the end the freedom we have been given and how we choose to respect and challenge each other's freedom is ours to make.  Divine providence prevails and in that too we have the freedom to accept or fight it as well. If we choose to depend on God..that too is our freedom to choose. The freedom to choose back as He is always ready to help.

Happy Freedependence day and embrace our country's gifts and flaws and know we are here for a great reason..to help and to heal each other by design with God guidance and help as we freely depend on Him.

Forgiveness

 

Rarely is this voice heard or if heard respected. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, to the injuring party and to the world. In this Easter Season there have been many moments I found joy, lightness and openness and many times I have felt loss, aloneness and pain. That is the process leading to forgiveness. Sometimes there are patterns that repeat itself in relationships and you have to stop the pattern. And sometimes stopping that pattern requires saying true things that change the other's perspective and the way they choose to move forward or not. When this pattern for you finally ends, you may feel relief.  

But a choice follows.

You can choose to blame yourself, the other person or God or life circumstances, your parents or all or part or a myriad of other options or you can just choose to forgive everyone you blamed.

There is a freedom in forgiving yourself, the other person and your false concept of God (or whomever else you blamed). It lifts the cloud and makes you light. It allows you to face the music and let others handle things their own way. It allows you to let go and move on. What follows is that you open to new experiences,  new people, and to God in a different way. You open to whatever comes or does not come your way. It frees you to see that sometimes you don't see and so you forgive that too,

Forgiveness takes many forms. The past is one..the present is another and the future requires another. Sometimes you will fail in the moment but the goal remains the same. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

For me and God..I think I took the signs as an answer. Perhaps the answer was to open up and keep walking through problems over and over again because I kept seeing signs and progress. I have to believe the purpose is growth now. Many beautiful gifts come from a failed relationship. But I have to be honest and say..in hindsight I would have stopped walking through the problems a long long time ago. On the other hand, I learned to the very end something very valuable had I not walked through the problems until I could no more. In any case God uses every choice the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly for His grand purpose. And I am grateful I don't get to know or judge.

If it took this experience to learn the beauty, the power and the healing effect of forgiveness then it was well worth it.  It's a muscle I will have to use over and over for myself and others. I hope to give God the reins fully one day..it seems to work for a lot of people but that process for me now still requires  discernement, pondering and the free will choice to continue down this path of faith.

One day I will look back and say this major shift led to this wonderful new path and the timing was right and it never would have been if this other thing did not happen or end when it did or the way it did. 

Forgiveness is what drew me back to faith. The famous passage while Jesus was hanging on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  That touched me in a way nothing else did when I came to know the purpose of life. Give that voice/whisper a chance.  Forgiveness is one of the more beautiful gifts God has taught us about and it works.

Advent is Truly a Miraculous Adventure

As 2020 draws to a close, we reflect on a year that was for most of us mixed with unexpected blessings and unexpected sorrows. Perhaps both are necessary to prepare us both for our eternal home and a deeper joy in this life.

This Advent is unique for me..I journeyed with the Magnificat Companion. And actually I had not intended on it. I originally ordered it for a friend and that manufacturer said it could be past Nov. 29 before it was delivered.  So I tried to cancel the order and in the meantime picked up a copy at a local religious bookstore and mailed it to my friend. Ironically, the other copy came as well and I asked him to drop off the extra copy in my box. I received it just in time to start on Nov. 29.

And what an adventure it has been...from unexpected meetings to unexpected phone calls. And in the process, layer's being removed and fears discovered. For me..the most surprising thing is how much of an undercurrent fear plays in my action and inaction. Certainly love has also motivated me but I just did not realize that fear was so strong. I guess the quiet allows each of us to reflect...if we take the opportunity to do so.

I will start with the beginning and then my own personal discoveries.  Oftentimes, what appears as one thing is often another thing nuanced. For example the story about Adam and Eve.  Aside from the serpent's deception and guile, I would like to look at Adam and Eves response.  Certainly disobedience was there but it was also FOMO perhaps. Fear of missing out. If this fruit opened eyes and provided wisdom and one could be like God knowing both good and evil...then if they don't eat it they will stay ignorant. Certainly they knew God and what he had said and enjoyed but what if there was something more? They would have consulted God with this dilemma first. They had no reason to doubt his goodness..yet FOMO won the day.

Then their eyes were opened and when they heard the Lord they hid out of fear. Then they feared taking responsibility and feared God and started to cast blame around. Fear prompts a whole host of behaviors and thoughts that are sinful..but the genesis may always be fear. Certainly fear is good in some instances as an alert..but if our response generally speaking is love then we are never filled with angst or fear. No matter what the consequences are.

So now to the personal. I would venture to say that most people on a superficial level think I am a fairly courageous woman. And to some degree I do believe I have been blessed with this gift thru temperament and circumstance. 

However, what appears as courage sometimes...not all the time of course..is under laden with fear. When I am doing something that I believe is Gods will then it is much easier to be courageous. But when the motivation turns to my own needs as the primary focus...well for sure that can be fear.

I tend to be fairly proactive with friends but sometimes it is to be in control of how much company I have. I fear the silence sometimes. I fear finding out what happens if I don't do this. Thankfully, Covid has afforded the luxury of more submissiveness and humility. Probably traits that need a bit more attention in my temperament. 

I also tend to use my reasoning and detachment as means of protecting myself. I fear rejection and I fear being taken advantage of..I fear caring deeply and hurting deeply. But alas..this where this Advent is a huge blessing. The adventure has led me outside my comfort zone of control and fear..trusting God and letting him lead but doing so with trepidation at times. But there are many moments and in particular now...that I feel this sense of hope and joy that makes it easier to be open to God and his love and then in turn be loving in my actions.

Reading the Magnificat Companion, the book given out by my Parish named the Hidden Power of Kindness and praying and also praying the rosary  have been a huge blessing for me. Having faith and letting time and Grace happen is also a huge blessing.  The reward is that this adventure has led me to a deeper peace, a deeper joy and a deeper love.

And that is more than I have dared hope for in Advents past.  Christmas is coming....are you ready? Are you ready for transformative miracles? No matter what the outcome of the days are whether joyful, sorrowful or a mixture of both..we always have the choice to say no to fear and yes to love. May the serenity that surpasses our understanding bless you during these last few days of Advent and give you the deepest joy in opening your heart to remembering the miracle of God becoming human...in the form of baby Jesus. 

Advent is a truly a miraculous adventure.

The Holy Trinity, Love and Each Other to Help Us Find the Way

2020 was supposed to be a year of clarity and maybe it is.  Aside from Covid -19 which has altered our life as we slowly find joy in a modified fashion..we have seen our own humanity in light amidst the darkness.

Perhap it's fitting to reflect on Holy Trinity Sunday...so much has happened liturgically. We went thru Lent, the Passion, Resurrection, Eastertide and Pentecost. Today is a reflection of All of God..the Holy Trinity.

There is no question we all have our blind spots. If we could see them perhaps we would, and perhaps we can't see them simply because we are not ready to see them.

This past couple of weeks I have seen a lot of emotion most focused on a small set of circumstances. The full truth is rarely sought. Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, peace, injury, help, courage,  group think and comfort and healing have all been on display these past two weeks.

I am grateful for those who comforted those who mourned, protected those businesses who were attacked, for those that helped clean the messess created by chaos and for those who prayed. These are our better angels. 

Perhaps unjust suffering, abuse and murder can best be seen in what Jesus allowed, embraced and endured. If you have doubt this happened..I suggest you research and look it up. And He was innocent. Not only did He not have a rap sheet, or was drunk/high or resisted where he was lead, he actually had a history of healing, dining with the criminals of that time, and helping those who persisted in their pleas..even if they were not his target mission.

How does this inform us today..in our current crisis and climate? That unjust horrific things do happen and that always thru the Holy Spirit's courage, kindness and peace..good comes out in the end.

In the chaos of things..we don't see the final picture. It is our collective blindspot. So while non innocent men and women are abused and killed and property is destroyed and pillaged, we have a choice. Our response is a choice, but our reaction is not so much.

All of us are not innocent and yet some of us are quick to lay blame on everyone else as being more guilty. Some of us are so guilty that instead of sowing seeds of change within us we excuse all bad behavior.

Whose fault is it that the injustices and blind spots occur? It is all our fault. Some cross the line and have to be held to account. Some abuse this hurt to take and hurt and hopefully are held to account. 

We are by nature in a fallen and disordered state. It's what causes the pain, blame and the indifference ..but that's not the end of the story. Through redemption, through mercy, through correction and through divine help..we get not only through it..but become better, stronger, wiser, with stronger discipline and with a bigger capacity to love.

And that was the reflection at mass today. Through our heads..some things we just can't understand like the nature of one God in three persons...The Holy Trinity. The only way we know people deeply is through love, and the same for knowing God.

Perhaps the way we will know the abusers and the victims is through love.  And perhaps this is what we will learn thru our heart break..is how to love. May the unseen and least understood advocate, Paraclete and comforter guide us through it all. He can if we give him a chance.

The battle already has been won..death has been defeated and our life has been given a divine boost to the gifts God already has imbued in us at birth.  Yes, we may still be blind..but with an open heart we will find the way.

And as we keep getting lost, we keep getting found and reminded of what is possible despite the evil that persists. The big war has already been won, but we still must battle the war within so we can heal the war outside. We don't have to do it alone. We have the Holy Trinity and love and each other to help us find the Way.

Rise From the Dead

Happy Resurrection Sunday! In today's gospel Lazarus is raised from the dead after being in the tomb 4 days by Jesus.

 Jesus knew that this delay would be to glorify God.

Jesus also loved Lazarus and his sisters so He wept. Then raising His eyes to heaven he said in a loud voice to rise and walk out.

John 11:1-45

Perhaps this scripture can give us some insight on how to handle our CV crisis.

God is infinitely and exponentially more powerful and  than this or any virus. And where science leads and teaches us..the gap to God's love and power and peace is gargantuan.

There is no doubt this is a precarious time for us as a global community and country. We all process information differently and have our own unique trigger points.

Our economy is shut down and many of us are physically isolated. We are concerned for those at risk and want to protect them.

But where is God in this for you? Our fear may drive us to Him in desperation or away from Him toward science and logic and of course some no only don't believe but have disdain for Him..why would He allow this? How could Jesus allow Lazarus to die? How could God allow his only begotten son Jesus to go thru the passion and Crucifixion?

In this scripture..a tragedy was allowed so we could glorify God. How can we glorify God thru this ordeal?

Jesus wept. How can we show compassion and also weep? 

Jesus acted by looking to the heavens and raising Lazarus from the dead. How can we raise our eyes to heaven and act to save lives?  Most of our roles are to sit at home and physically isolate. How can we glorify God and raise our eyes to heaven even if this all we do? Perhaps if we do, HE can inspire us do other things as well. We are designed to help in our unique ways. Let's allow God to magnify that.

We all have faith that we can help and that this will pass. This is the good that God has instilled in us. This CV crisis has connected all of us..worldwide in a way few things could have. Jesus coming back would be one. :-)

But how much more can we do if we put Him first?

He is constantly calling us but we have the choice to ignore and follow our own self direction. He has created us to be free. It is a collective choice we have made more often than not to be self directed..it is our human condition. And so perhaps we are here because of our choices.

So I am here advocating for us to make different choices. Who is first now? Science? Logic? Denial? Yourself? Your family? The common good? 

Almost none of these are bad things. But none should be first. God should be first. Why?

Well let's drill down a bit. The author of life and the Universe promises peace. Peace be with you. Will you get their with one quick prayer, or a rosary or family prayer at night. If this is the first time you are doing it and are not surrendering wholeheartedly...maybe not.

But you have to start from where you are. If you only practice one thing daily let it be your anchor.

The rosary may be your anchor if the Eucharist and Eucharistic adoration are not available. Just know we all have an anchor to the divine and no one can take that away...not even CV.

If the  Scientists, the President, the Surgeon General you and me anchor ourselves to God how much more correct can our thoughts and actions be?  Even though we are in a very precarious position, panic and fear that are an engine unto itself will not lead us to make the best choices. Sometimes we have to act fast but more often that not calm will help much more.

Who can lead us? God. He is ready, willing and able to help. Do we have faith that He can?  Can He help the scientists get inspired after sweating it out to come up with an anti-viral that works at least some of the time at least. How about a concoction of antivirals that helps more while we wait for the breakthrough? There are a myriad of other solutions. It can happen and it will..perhaps exponentially faster if we lean into GOD.

If God leads we will NOT want to party on or be so holed up in our house that we don't look for safe ways to help others. We will stop keeping the focus on ourselves to the point where it hinders us to do things that help others as HE inspires us and at worst paralyzes us.

How does panic help us devise solutions in the future to get back to work, keep those vulnerable safe and allow them time to get some fresh air without us putting them and each other in harm's way?

We can do sooo much but, how much more can we do with God's help? He is already trying to help and sometimes we are so caught up in panic and charts that we can't just stop and see what He is trying to do. He has the answers so why not ask, and then let Him lead as we get to work.

This crisis will pass but we will create another if we can't put God first. 

It is both ironic and a blessing that this is happening during Lent. Jesus was in the wilderness alone praying for 40 days. We are following him more closely now than most of us ever have.

For once we can stop, pray and surrender all our fears, anxiety, anger, denial or our unique combination of ways that we process this unique challenge. He wants to help you. Will you let Him? Do you have faith? God is good always and if we choose Him, we are choosing good.

That also means suffering. It is part of our redemption. But even in this aspect..surrendering to suffering instead of fighting it ironically means we suffer less.

So I will end with sharing some little miracles that happened this week.  On Monday I had a furuncle or boil removed. I had a lot of subconscious anxiety in the morning. I worked out because I knew I may not be able to for a bit after the procedure. 

This most routine of incisions involves a surgeon. That combined with this unique moment in time (with CV and the shelter in place) and I knew that all the anxieties and pre-occupations most have with this challenging time would make it so that challenge was mine alone to handle with God and precious few others for support. All of this I pushed aside as I prayed and focused where I needed to focus: on God and then on the medical professionals and how I could make this a holy moment. 

In the doctor's office the injections to numb the area around the mass burned and hurt. The cutting and removing the gunk came next. After the procedure, I saw the blood on the dressing and realized yeah its routine but still a procedure.

After it was done I was relieved and felt happy. I thought let me stop by a local church and maybe if the door is open I can pray. So after the 30-40 minute procedure I drove there. The door was open!

I walked inside and much to my amazement they were giving communion. All masses are suspended, and this was being videotaped apparently. I walked right in and received Jesus for the first time in a week. What an amazing blessing. What serendipity! I could not have dared to ask for this grace nor timed it more perfectly. Grace happened.

I cried a bit on the drive home as I looked to the heavens and thanked God. His love is steadfast and true. 

Some people reached out with calls, as did I, and the sense of connection and concern was more magnified.. even with a much smaller circle.

Later in my week amidst my humanity of being responsible and taking care of myself, I had many days of obstacles. I initially failed to turn to God. When I finally did..I was able to more calmly get past the obstacle. 

The blessing's kept coming. My agent sent me a voice over audition..not my specialty but a safe way to continue with that aspect of my call. 

And then the biggest blessing of all, because of YOU sheltering in place not only did I learn that hospitals in the peninsula and SF are NOT experiencing a surge, but by this action YOU allowed that same local church to gain permission from the SMC health oficial to allow communion today this Sunday. This church was allowed because they had ample space outside to keep 6 ft apart and because we are NOT in a dire situation.

Thank YOU for doing your part.

Rain was expected this morning. So as I often say..I don't tempt God so I came with rain gear. It never rained at the 9:30am distribution, a blessing to not stand in the rain.

There were volunteers making sure the 6ft rule was observed and giving hand sanitizer right before receiving communion in your hand. The priest was wearing gloves AND serving the communion with cute little tongs.

And how can I forget..confession. The  6ft spacing and the window was open in the room. I was able to confess. This was the first time I had ever felt so sorry for my sins. It was a confession from the heart. Many of my confessions have been from my head. That was what CV allowed me to do. 

Our collective suffering can be transformed by Love...by God. Jesus showed us the power of love through HIS suffering to create not only Peace but something Salvific. Because Love is Salvific, God can do the same with us now and when this finally passes. Will you join Him and let Him?

Lent will be over soon...holy week awaits.  The Resurrection will come! We all will pass one day and we all will be resurrected one day. The question is will you be ready and can you now... Rise from the Dead.

Trusting in the Mystery and Love

It is the last day of the year and also the Christmas season. The decorations are still out and we still marvel at the word made flesh in a baby. Baby Jesus.

How lovely it is to have both a year end and start with Christmas. This is my end of year reflection that I started a few days ago and can finally tweak and publish today.  I am hoping that what I share inspires you to be bold and persevere. Sometimes things don't work out the way we hope but more often than not things do eventually work out in a time and in a way you simply can not see in the present.

We plant seeds that bloom in a year or 10 or some may take a lifetime. I know nothing that tests faith for me like waiting for a long anticipated event to happen...sometimes it seems it may not be meant to be.

This year was an explosion for me of fun firsts and many long anticipated firsts. It also has its challenges that caused good growth in December.

Chronologically reflecting..it did seem like I knew this year would be good. I just never realized how good.

It started with a NYE party. I went to a similar venue but had a unique..never before experience.  After dancing with friends for about an hour or two...I noticed a gentleman walk in who riveted me.  I noticed his persona immediately.

He seemed very at ease with himself and then saw him begin dancing on the dance floor after a little while.

This went on for an hour or so. Long story short..he made his way to me and we danced and talked the rest of the night. 

At midnight we kissed and then danced and talked some more. I don't think I had ever had anything that magical. Although his life stage at that time I found out later would preclude "dating".  I did appreciate the experience.

In March, we disconnected as I took a trip to New Zealand. Something I had been talking about wanting to do for at least 10 years. It was as beautiful and a desirable place as I had imagined.

I had anticipated that I would have to cut down trees that lined the property line between my neighbor and myself prior to embarking on this project. I tried to negotiate this with my neighbor and the city with little luck. I had wanted to do this project about 15 years prior.  When I discovered I did not have to do this..I could embark on this project.

After New Zealand, I  came back and soon obtained bids and design plans to begin a new driveway and front walkway remodel. In late May we broke ground and the 2 month project completed and I was finally able to comfortably park my car in the driveway. It was a mere 15 year wait.

Around the same time, I also booked a trip to Chicago around this time for early August to visit a friend and catch a couple of Cubs games in the interim. That was not a first but what follows is amazing.

After my project was ending..I thought I should cancel my trip as my best friend was being pulled out of town and would not be there in early August...and then

in the midst of this on July 1, I decided my happenstance to check Ancestry DNA. I had taken this test a few years ago in the hopes of finding my biological father and his side of the family.

I discovered that a first cousin on my fathers side had tested on Ancestry DNA. This turned out to be the most significant discovery and life change of my entire year and certainly one of the tops of my life.

As background, I was adopted by my stepfather when I was 5. I did not remember my father but knew that my step father was not my father. I heard some stories my mom had told me about my real dad but it was limited as my adopted dad became upset when she talked about him. She said he had passed. I was not sure if this was true or not but did not question it.

I was curious about who he might have been but just shelved it for the most part. Then the biggest life change happened. My mom fell ill and passed when I was 16 just shy of 17. My world turned upside down...I was soon living with my older cousin who became my legal guardian and the father figure had became even more lacking.

After I recovered enough with the help of an incredible friend and some kind teachers..I landed in college after graduation. Out in the farm land,  U of I provided the space and the quiet I needed to just think and study. At 20 I began to try to find my search for my biological father. I wrote to the AMA to get the number and address of the doctor that delivered me. I got a letter back saying the doctor had passed a few years back.

I thought about hiring a private detective but with a name and that's all..I just thought it too improbable. Part of my curiosity was my mom had me at 42. Doubtful my dad had no prior life before..deceased or not. I could have half siblings..being an only child that possibility drew me in.

As I navigated my way through young adulthood and moved to California. My search and curiosity was sidelined. Goals took front and center..the concrete I attained..buying a house, remodeling it..while finding someone I would feel comfortable marrying eluded me. 

In my early 30's I changed my name back to my mothers maiden name as my adoptive father had disappeared from my life for over a decade now.

The normal up and downs happened. Then late 2009 another shift occurred, I found out my stepfather had passed two years earlier in a horrible way. Without getting into those details..that journey of righting a wrong also lead me in earnest to try and find the story of my real father and that side of the family. With the internet I began searching his name, talking to organizations but I kept coming up with zero. Angelo Lazo was nowhere to be found. I kept at it until DNA became popular and in mid 2015..I tested. 

I kept looking up matches but all I found were distant matches that led nowhere and a second cousin on my moms side.

It was easy to tell who was who. Greece and the balkans/ Eastern European and Native American, Spanish, French.

I hired an investigator in 2017 and tried to reach out to a second cousin who finally tested on my dads side. Nothing.

I kept checking and thought maybe this was just not meant to be..an entire lifetime looking. Then..a first male cousin tested in May of this year 2019..and I discovered it July 1. I reached out and nothing. But now I was armed with his name.

I researched online voraciously. Lazaro was the last name. I found a deceased aunts obituary..but she was Albanian..huh? My mom said my dad was Greek.  But I had to follow the threads. Her brother, my father, Angelo Lazaro was mentioned and..his two sons Michael and Matthew. Gulp..I have two half brothers.

I kept on and realized my biological father died in 2013. I saw that the family business warehouse was only 6 blocks away from where I grew up.

So much to process...so many mysteries answered. My huge step was calling my brother Matthew. I decided to call him instead of Michael. As it turns out he would not have been available as he is in the beginning stages of dementia and his wife would ultimately not be open at this time.

I finally mustered the courage and called. He answered the phone and the conversation went much better than expected. He told me things that made sense..that Angelo had always wanted to be Greek..that they attended a Greek Orthodox Church. And things that surprised me..that he was an alcoholic. 

The second conversation was bumpy..but I wanted to meet him since I was already coming to Chicago. As fate would have it..I never canceled the trip and it came at just the right time after this life changing discovery.  So he agreed and we met.  Matthew should me pictures of my dad and even videos. It was surreal. 

I could not have planned this. And the long anticipated discovery happened. 

After this..the rest of the year saw me bolder. I attended the first retreat with my Catholic group end of August...and in September began hosting people at my home for dinners.

In the interim, I had been leading prayers for a friend battling ovarian cancer. She pulled through a huge rough patch and made it her birthday celebration in October.  This was the first time I was so intimately involved in praying, visiting and supporting someone who was battling an illness that only a miracle would cure. 

November saw me cook my first Turkey ever and host my first Thanksgiving ever. 

December came and my firsts were much more challenging. At first the fun continued by joining a winery with a friend( first time).

But I was sensing something was not right with my friend battling the ovarian cancer. I instinctively checked the obituaries and then came word she was in hospice and now we prayed for peace and comfort. She passed the next night. 

The first surrender of a long fight and the first visitation since my mothers death. During the visitation and funeral a challenging friend was making unreasonable demands. It was an exhausting time.

A brief repose Christmas Eve as a couple of friends and I booked a trip to Ireland for next May 2020...God willing celebrating our bdays there..a definite first.:-)

Christmas came with its own challenges as a guest got sick whom I had over. Before I could rap my head around that..the news came that an Airbnb guest who had been staying at my home for almost two weeks had unexpectedly passed. He was booked the room through mid January.

Such an intense miraculous year was ending with a reminder that it is a fleeting and unpredictable journey we are on.

That graces happen when you least expect them and even sad and challenging times bring out sides of you that are beneficial to you and everyone who crosses your path.

And on this NYE..I am still grateful. Things don't always work out as you hope and pray..but they do work out.  The Author of Life embraces our heartbreak and journeys with us in our redemption. 

Tonight we celebrate another year passing and another beginning. I am grateful for this temporary journey and open to what lies ahead. Trusting, listening, and learning more.  Acting with more prudence and more awareness. Where the road leads in 2020..I am not sure.

But the miracles of this year for me..I am soo grateful for. May God bless you and yours as we embark on a new year and decade. Trusting in the mystery and love.

Jesus Christ a Name that Divides

I recently got into a discussion on twitter  over baseball. For those of you who think that sports is  below your spiritual level  of enlightenment..  I have news for you. Baseball is an avenue  where some of us seek God. . and we find Him. But back to Jesus Christ. So you know I can talk about God.. about the Bible and even about sin and virtue and  all is well. However if I bring up Jesus and the conversation grows silent? If I point to Jesus as a model for men.. they grow silent. To be sure some take the leap and remember. Jesus Christ makes God real..and holds us and more specifically men to  the highest standard. It’s understandable. What is the first thing you think of when I mention Jesus Christ? A man..God... the dreaded.. Cross. Who is Jesus Christ on the cross? HE is God.. He is miracles.. He is forgiveness.. He is Love to the point of the ultimate self sacrifice. His ego is sacrificed.. he is not only humble.. but by our standards humiliated. He sacrifices his comfort.. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being spit on, mocked.. and physically and verbally abused..  Then carrying a cross.. the instrument you will be tortured and killed on.  He sacrifices his human will for the divine will.  Wow.. can you imagine begging for the cup of humiliation and suffering to pass and yet submitting. A man ???? HE is God so men either deny Jesus Christ as a  man and also as God.  For as a man he calls all men to this.. and as God he commands this.. why? Because He knows that this is how men are fulfilled. War..mass murders..suicide bombers.. they are imperfectly imitating divine self sacrifice.  To be certain there is only one Jesus. But he invites followers to take up t heir cross. Jesus/ God took on flesh and became man.. and the world still struggles with the Virgin birth.. with the immaculate conception.. with the God and man who healed..  who wept..  who was obstinate but in the end who loved enough..to give it all away and who saved us with his sacrifice. Yet He was exalted above every name. No wonder Jesus Christ is a Name that Divides. ReplyForward

Esperanza/Hope

We are approaching the holiest of nights and what better topic to explore than Hope. Hope is what the Israelites had to have to escape bondage. Hope is what Andy Dufrain had in the classic movie "Shawshank Redemption" and hope is what we all have when what we aspire to attain alludes us our multiple attempts.

So it is my hope you find a phrase or word in this blog that inspires you again..where you regain hope.

So lets look at the definition first.

hope

hōp/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

   
   

   "he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information"

   synonyms:

   aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; More

   • 
     

     
     
   • 
     

     
     
2. 2.

   archaic

   a feeling of trust.

I recently read a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries in Dating. And the phrase that stood out to me was when hope and long suffering are married for a good end and when hope is simply futile given your multiple attempts with no progress to face a wrong. 

To be sure repentance does not mean that every time you will succeed in your quest to change an incorrect behavior but it does mean recognizing a wrong and willing it with God and other people's help to truly change the behavior. How many of us truly do this?

Sometimes it is fear that makes us stop cold turkey as when someone quits smoking and never returns to it when they discover a growth in their lung. Sometime I think fear is more powerful than almost anything to change behavior quickly and permanently. I think moral failings could be more easily conquered if the end result scared you straight.

But back to hope...I think this is the quandary..when someone repeatedly denies a wrong or has a rational lie for justifying one...that is a rational lie in their own mind. I think it is healthy to give up hope after some time for both people's sake. For reality always proves a wrong is a wrong as it leads you to pain and the removal of joy. That's the beauty of truth...reality simply can never sustain and grow when a objective wrong is embraced.

Before we invoke the Alpha and the Omega..I will surmise a Spanish saying.

If you lose money you have lost nothing
If you lose love you have lost something
But if you lose hope you have lost everything

So my answer this Christmas eve is that the author of all became incarnate and HE self sacrificed and saved us.

And so as we await baby Jesus...know that if we leave things in Gods hands..HE can do what our minds may deem impossible to hope.

Redemption is What God Hopes for Us

Do you want to get to know someone? Observe how they are as a fan..or how they feel about fans. Something impressed me about Yankees fans. Despite being down 2 and 0 in the playoffs and their manager making a big mistake in game 2, and the fact they are not the best team in the league..their fans were all in. Perhaps its because they have and have had the wealth to acquire talent and they have had so many winning teams. Perhaps. 

I have a Boston Red Sox fan friend who threw his team under the bus because his team was not morally perfect and did not play with the passion he thought they should. Because his team looked bad in the first two games..he proceeded to tear my Cubs down.

I have another friend who thought baseball players made too much and it was not worth the money. He was a fan for his own enjoyment but in the end he was only a fan of himself.

Then their was a moral/spiritual acquaintance who thought he was the oracle of correct moral behavior and knew the mind of God and judged fans and sports figures as people who are irresponsible and plugged out of reality and distracting themselves out of correct behavior and the ladder as irrelevant and irreverent if their behavior did not agree with his view of correct behavior and reality.

And then of course their are Cub fans...who until last year always were pessimistic but knew logically one day that day of redemption would come. I don't know how I knew but I knew last year was it. Even in the most dire of circumstances..I just knew. That phrase just knowing is a religious experience I believe. I have heard people when they find the right person to marry..they say they just knew. It can be any circumstance...landing a big job or knowing something is wrong without recognizing the evidence immediately.

It could be the blink aspect ( Blink: The power of thinking with out thinking by Malcolm Gladwell) except of course when you have not seen anything. It is unusual to experience this and the reason I call it a religious experience is because it almost does seem like God has willed this particular outcome. Many times this does not happen...if it happened all the time then we would not learn from our choices I believe.

I as a fan observe and assess the pro and cons of each player, of the team synergy..of the managers quirks, strengths and failings. There are things that annoy me more than others, and I do see a very important component of a player or teams success as mental. I guess just like most of life is. It also has made me shake to the core to realize that I either facilitate or hinder my own success in my own personal endeavors. I have recognized that the deeper the dream..the more I fear.

Ironic that being a fan can enlighten me in this way. Its like baseball is a mirror for our spiritual war but the consequences are not as drastic. Their is no war where people die or behaviors that damage or destroy relationships.

So if you want to learn about yourself a bit more..reflect on what kind of a fan you are or how you feel about fans. In the end being a good fan and a good player in life is a gift that we can mature and grow into. And that redemption is certainly what God hopes for all of us.

Division's Spiritual Purpose

I can't recall an election nor an outcome that has stirred as many thoughts and emotions as this last one. The divisions were stark and they seem to be taking on new life.

Before I get into a view of the spiritual meaning behind unity and division, I wanted to explore what happened with me and where I am at. I am hoping that perhaps both you and I can be enlightened in the process.

As most know and can ascertain by reading my blog, I lean right. It is perhaps a combination of the way I was raised, how I was formed by the things I read and studied, my life experience and my temperament.  That being said, I found President Trump as a candidate..one of the most distasteful people to ever run for office.  Ideology aside, I found his behavior and words in both business and in his personal life to be vile and self serving.

As things revealed became more outrageous, I lost patience with those that supported Trump as a means to stop Clinton or because he was pro-life or the supreme court justice or...you get the picture.They were so strongly anchored that it really did permit him to do or say anything and people would still support him.

I found such irrationalness even in California. I tried to reason with people that despite how you may feel about Hillary's character and ideology..she was going to win California period. So why not vote for someone whose character is far better than Trump's and whose ideology you would also agree with. I suggested a conservative independent candidate, Evan McMullin.

No..they burrowed in irrationally that voting for an independent is a throw away vote. I tried to make them see that voting for Trump in California is a throw away vote...Hillary would win California and it would not be close. They critiqued the independent candidates policy as if Trump's policies were 100% in line with their viewpoints...they were not.

In the end, for me I could not support someone who supported him. It caused me to divide as I felt by respecting them their choice and freedom..I was enabling them. I felt that strongly about how immoral this choice was. And I joined the left and other moral right leaning friends in fighting against Trump. To be fair and purely for ideological reasons...I fought against Obama in 2008. How odd for me to voting against someone's character this time around.

Fast forward to election night, and I was shell shocked that Trump won. I literally felt it to be a voter rebellion against the status quo. They gave an immoral at best and near criminal in his business practices at worst
and his treatment of the weaker and women, a free pass to the presidency.

After the shock, my right leaning brain slowly but surely saw the potential benefits that could transpire with this election. With that mindset and also the respect for voter will even if it is against my own..I started making peace with the outcome. Though Trump's ideology was not consistently right..it was more so than the last 8 years. 

I began to see positives in his character like his work ethic and the value and relationship he has with his family. To be fair the egotism and thin skinned character flaws did not disappear...but I took it in stride like dealing with a petulant child. As long as laws were not broken or past indiscretions revived..I would be ok with him as President. I gave him a clean slate..the office merited it.

I understand the fear people have...I had it too before the election and had it with President Obama. But I also saw really good changes despite many mistakes and ideological differences in Obama's presidency. I even wrote to him to reconsider some ideological view points. Whether it was he or a staffer that responded, I was heartened that he did. It was a political answer to be sure but it still felt good to be heard.

I wrote him with respect while admiring his passion for the poor and disadvantaged. I could and would rise beyond the disagreements. I am not quite there with President Trump because as much as he has already done ..he has not accomplished anything yet. But I am hoping for the best and will engage him if need be.

I guess this is the beauty of being an American and a Christian. You fight for what you feel is right, you sacrifice if need be but you also respect and engage the President. I do see the value in protest sometimes but to be honest...sometimes I see it is an infantilism. 

We don't always get what we want and rehashing the same thing when it is past and gone seems to cling to a reality that simply does not exist. 

Which brings me to division again. Spiritually, Jesus called us to united in vision and action in HIM. And yet he did bring division. He asked his disciples to give up family, job and a way of life and eventually their own life. It makes sense if HE is saving us from sin, death and bringing life, joy and healing. If HE is the author of life it seems and all humanity..not choosing HIM seems self destructive. And yet after that choice has been made..you are to now be unified.

Perhaps it is too simplistic to say that when Christians were divided this election cycle..their allegiance was not Jesus but their view of what Christian principles dictate or what someone in authority said that convinced them they were in the right. I think it is a helpful exercise to examine and be honest about one's true allegiance. It looks like getting closer to God will reveal it as stated in Hebrews 4:12

Whatever our collective motivations are what we can agree on is that we are way more divisive than not. And what perhaps divides us is our fearful allegiance to our self, our family or group. We all feel comfortable with our viewpoint and value system and we see others as trying to rob us of that.

And perhaps if our allegiance was really Jesus and God then we would shake the dust off our shoes to those that shun our message and say peace be unto this person, family and group.

Division's spiritual purpose can be light or dark. The nice thing is the Victor has already shown us the way...divisions dark forces sometimes bring about the greatest light and example of love.

Not in our image but HIS

One of the beautiful things about letting go of preconceived notions that don't work is you open yourself up to what you know is true and yet surrender to what you don't know. That is namely God on both counts.

I had a surreal experience a week ago after Mass. This particular attendance was about embracing a God that I know is good and that the absence of Him is evil. I surrendered to knowing His Love far supersedes any human love and that our capacity to Love only grows thru challenges, thru connecting with those in His image deeply and thru being connected to Him..the source of all our love. So I connected with that knowing and surrendered and stayed silent and got emotional and teared up.

The word too, who the bible says is Jesus, spoke to me. The various gifts we all have but they come from the same spirit..the Holy spirit. And even the Gospel about the wedding at Cana. How Mary help usher in Jesus ministry. It seemed the Holy Spirit, who had a special relationship with Mary and because of that bore Jesus were all there by the powerful word at the very least. Ok no paraphrasing--so at  the end of this story are the full scriptures.

And so with this I left, keeping the prayer alive in my heart and mind. It was pouring rain at 7pm this Sunday. And as I crossed the street right from the church..maybe 20 feet down the other side of the street. I heard a screech and cry "oh my God".  

I knew what this was without even turning. I prayed "Dear God in Heaven" and I turned around and ran to the scene of the accident. It was an elderly man named Bob, 85 who was down..his wife standing over him. The lady who hit him was not out yet. 

I did what came naturally. I kneeled down and stroked the man's arm and kept saying it is going to be ok. Soon more people came.

The woman who hit the gentleman, came out and was very distraught and guilt ridden. One gentleman squatted to provide rain cover for the means head and upper body with his umbrella. Another man came by and asked all kinds of questions like what is your name, how old are you, where are you..how do you feel? All the answers were lucid. The man who asked all the right questions was a trauma nurse. Before I go further, every one involved at this scene..including the unintended victim and the distraught driver were all parishioners who had just left mass.

The driver called 911 immediately but it seemed to take forever for the ambulance and paramedics to get there. The driver was so distraught and guilt ridden that no matter what I said to ease some of her responsibility she protested. I then just asked her to pray for Bob..say a rosary. 

45 minutes later..the rain cover and the consoler who kept saying positive things were still there.

His wife had fallen but gotten up I then learned as she was hit as well. The paramedics attended to her immediately and she was then taken to a an ambulance and treated...while we were waiting for the paramedics to attend to and take her husband Bob away.

The professionals stepped in and as they put him on a stretcher..I noticed a comb and a soak drenched purse. I returned it to the driver who was now far away talking to the police.

As Bob was being carried away I asked, where are you taking him? They said San Francisco General as no nearby hospital has a trauma center and they needed to take him there just in case. 

Bob seemed to be doing ok by all accounts except for a sore hip according to what the paramedics said and what I could observe.

The driver came to me to ask and I told her where they were taking him. She said " I am going to go are you going". I said good and no. I felt my role was finished at this time.

As I walked away soaked, I marveled at what had just happened. We all were there with our own gifts brought by the same spirit.

May we embrace God in whatever ways He reveal Himself to us and know that is not in our image but HIS.

Reading 21 COR 12:4-11

Brothers and sisters:
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; 
there are different forms of service but the same Lord;
there are different workings but the same God
who produces all of them in everyone.
To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit
is given for some benefit.
To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom;
to another, the expression of knowledge according to the
same Spirit;
to another, faith by the same Spirit;
to another, gifts of healing by the one Spirit;
to another, mighty deeds;
to another, prophecy;
to another, discernment of spirits;
to another, varieties of tongues;
to another, interpretation of tongues.
But one and the same Spirit produces all of these,
distributing them individually to each person as he wishes.

GospelJN 2:1-11

There was a wedding at Cana in Galilee,
and the mother of Jesus was there.
Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding.
When the wine ran short,
the mother of Jesus said to him,
“They have no wine.”
And Jesus said to her,
“Woman, how does your concern affect me?
My hour has not yet come.”
His mother said to the servers,
“Do whatever he tells you.”
Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washings,
each holding twenty to thirty gallons.
Jesus told them,
“Fill the jars with water.”
So they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them,
“Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter.”
So they took it. 
And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine,
without knowing where it came from
— although the servers who had drawn the water knew —,
the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him,
“Everyone serves good wine first,
and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one;
but you have kept the good wine until now.”
Jesus did this as the beginning of his signs at Cana in Galilee
and so revealed his glory,
and his disciples began to believe in him.