Begin the Dream by Letting Go

Sometimes the most painful experiences teach us the most. Conventional wisdom and listening to others when you know deep in you that love does not work this way but you follow it anyway help in the process forward. The process of trusting yourself and when God speaks to you becomes the most important voice to hear.

This theme of letting go is a constant. Especially for women raised in a take charge culture. In work and in many aspects of life,  logic and the knowledge of human nature has guided me. But oddly when it comes to relationships,  my logic and knowledge of human nature seems to go awry.

Somehow personal relationships wake up in me a tenacity when I am attached and I create hope. And a suspension of disbelief happens as it happens in movies, except this is real life. It is my life.

When all is said and done and the dust settles, the truth becomes clear. And the illusions fade away. 

But this is a good thing. Grounded in the here and now, even though I know I am just passing through this life, makes me realize that for matters of the heart---I have to discern and evaluate and weigh before I embark on that magical journey of dating. And even after that guarding my heart until a man proves himself worthy. These checks will weed out the impostors.

Sometimes too while waiting on other career dreams accidents can wake us up  to embracing what is really important and letting go of the rest. It finally helps us to really pursue our deeper dreams and move forward. 

Sometimes letting go means letting God give you really good gifts and treating yourself. After all we are supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves and so we start with just love of self.

Letting go can really mean giving yourself and God the freedom to give you the great gifts. And sometimes those gifts come in a manner you don't see and in unexpected places.

Here is to letting go and letting God give you the great gifts. But be wary of impostors both within you and without. And as you navigate the world and our humanity, listen to the still small voice and let go of the rest of the noise. What is truly meant for you will be made manifest. And in the meantime treat yourself to the gifts that you can prudently and begin the dream by letting go!

The Journey Toward Love

In some sense we all know that there is a choice we face every day and every situation; namely whether to choose fear or Love. The choices we make become habits and the habits become our character. Yet even a character can be changed by repeatedly making choices that go against it until new habits are formed and the habits become a new character. It can be a cycle for some but for most character change is difficult. And in relationships it becomes more poignant. We fall often but if we learn..all is not lost. If we choose fear then we are trapped.

Life, indeed God who is Love, tests our hearts. In many ways it can not be anticipated and some of us fear that mystery but unless we open we can not experience what journey Love has in store for us.

I know I do not fully embark on that journey until I am sure of who the person is and what I am getting myself into. Nevertheless, I risk more than most because the only way to know is to get involved and even if you are cautious there is emotional involvement. I can handle that and I know it is part and parcel for the course.

I think too intuitively we know whom we can open up to and trust. It surprises me that some people we spend a lot of time with and never truly reveal ourselves. It is a mystery how Love unfolds and how Love redirects. I find it fascinating and also the best opportunity to get closer to God.

And here-in is our biggest fear. To truly let God in and be in relationship with HIM. Because if we are there is no hiding and that nakedness is both sacred and scary for us at times. It is true we turn to HIM in our greatest need but in the moments when we are a little vulnerable and can let that deeper connection go, we do.

There is no question the culprit who influences us to choose fear over love is present. But the power to choose Love over fear is never very far away--it is in our hearts and the biggest help is when we get down on our knees.

God bless us all in your journey toward pure, powerful and glorious Love.

The Redemptive Nature of Conflict

Most of us disdain conflict, except maybe attorneys. Conflict can take the form of inner conflict, conflict with God, and conflict in relationships. Show me a person who no longer experiences conflict and chances are that someone is dead. Jesus had conflict as well. In and of itself conflict is not bad. Its what we think about conflict and how we choose to deal with it that determines how we grow.

In any situation conflict challenges us. Emotions are stirred with-in us and it gets messy. It makes us look inside and dig deeper into our motivations and our conflicts with those motivations. There are layers upon layers inside of us. Often we first wrestle with another's motivations and their layers to circumvent the more painful and tedious process of examining our own. It requires more of us, and so we often choose not to deal with it. It's easier to rationalize and pull back or give up. The old saying pick your battles is true--conflict can be exhausting.

But conflict is also necessary. It is necessary for intimacy in this life. Think of the conflict that happens when you battle to make time for God or to really open yourself up to God. There is someone else that doesn't want that relationship to grow. Think about the feelings of conflict you may have with God every once in awhile...how do you deal with that? Certainly running away or rationalizing does not foster the intimacy. It is the same with our personal relationships and then some.

I often battle when things seem unjust and people are hurt. Hence, it may not seem like it, but I am afraid of conflict as well. This is especially true in relationships that mean something to me. That first conflict usually decides the fate of the relationship for me.

Peeling back the layers is scary, sometimes we don't want to see things about ourselves and about others and about our relationships. Last time I checked however illusions don't last. The beauty of conflict is that you can begin to be loved for who you really are and you can begin to love others for who they really are. As you both accept who you are, you are then free to choose to change and sacrifice and stretch to help build a closer relationship or decide to part ways if you both decide you can't move forward.

Conflict can be the pathway to realizing that freedom. You will only feel loved and have the freedom to truly love if you have the freedom to change your actions or not. You can choose different actions and still be who you are. Conflict makes you feel alive emotionally by making you aware of two opposing forces. It builds character by allowing you the opportunity to embrace the truth and eventually the opportunity to forgive.

We all have many lessons to learn through conflict. My lesson is to not runaway form it initially or when the heat gets too hot in the kitchen. What's your lesson? Love (God) endures all things and hopes for all things. In the end, conflict may be the divine pathway toward redemption. Certainly Jesus' conflict with the world had Him allow the crucifixion. But it also allowed the resurrection and the beauty of redemption, love and forgiveness. May God help us through the redemptive nature of conflict.

Then God made relationships, and they are very good.

The last in the series of Father Tom's talk focuses on our human relationships. I never knew the word relationships would grow to be such a loaded concept. It connotes one of the most basic of human needs, and, yet it can also illicit memories of strife and pain. There are a variety of reasons this may be the case. In this blog, I will focus on one critical aspect. Relationships can either succeed or fail.

There are both positive and negative consequences our actions impose on relationships. We make choices in all relationships whether conscious or unconscious. While it is true that all relationships are unique, according to Father Tom we have the same two choices in everyone of them. That is we either make choices of faith and love or choices of fear and abandonment. It seems obvious what the consequences of both would be, and, yet some of us, some of the time operate as if those consequences don't exist.

All healthy relationships have an overwhelming dose of faith and love. These overwhelming doses can handle the occasional fear and abandonment. However, few relationships can recover when fear and abandonment become the main course of action. Sadly, Father Tom points out there is a point of no return when you go down this path too far and too long.

Not suprisingly, we still look for, cultivate and have hope in the next relationship. The truth is we need relationships. Without relationships Love can't grow. Some forms of relationships are: relationship with God; complementary marriage in both body and spirit; intimate friendship; service in community; and even relationship with pet.:-)

Perhaps, some may point out that putting forth faith and love is risky business, because there is no guarantee the other person will opt the same way. This is true. However, we can feel good about the way we approach relationships regardless of the outcome. We only have today, and today is always a good day to have faith and love in all our relationships. We have no control over tomorrow, and to sabotage today because of tomorrow's fear and abandonment puts us in a less than pleasant place today. Not to mention that we are creating a less than pleasant tomorrow.

The alternative guarentees us failure. In our quest to protect ourselves from pain some of us: create a self protective wall over time to prevent disappointment; try to change the nature of relationships; expect relationships to fail; or try to pretend we don't really need relationships. If you are creative enough, I am sure you can think of countless of other ways to protect yourself. Doing these things, however, is almost a guarantee that realtionships will cause pain. Our hearts are not open, and Love can't grow in a closed heart.

As fragile as our hearts are, they are more resilient than we think. If we are designed to Love, it would have to be so. The fragility is what makes us appreciate our relationships and enriches our lives in its development. Disappointment, hurt feelings and misundersatndings will happen. Still, we are faced with the the same choice. Do we have choose faith and love or do we become afraid and abandon.

In the past, I have tried to follow my heart. When that didn't work according to my own view, I would harden my heart and let ego dictate my final course of action. One example is when I unknowingly hurt a friend's feelings. I could tell she was upset but didn't know why. I asked and she told me she felt abandoned when I didn't get up from the theater and leave with her when she suddenly felt sick.

The story for me went this way. She mentioned she hated the play and asked if I wanted to leave. I agreed the play was bad, but I also had plans to meet friends after the show. She then said she felt sick and was leaving, and I decided to stay.

She later told me she was upset because if the roles had been reversed, she said she would have left with me. I apologized and acknowleged where she was coming from. She, however, needed space. After some time, she still couldn't get past it and called the friendship quits. I hung in there for a little while thinking it just meant a change in the relationship. When the silence became too long, according to my view, I called it quits too. I realize now it didn't have to fail. Too, there is always hope to resurrect the friendship. The only choice I have is over my own hands and with God that is all you need.

There are other relationships that have a more drastic change. We have less control when someone physically dies, or is so sick it seems they have a limited capacity for relationship. I would argue that even in these cases, although the relationship changes, it does not have to fail or die.

One example is my relationship with my mother. She has been gone physically since I was 16 just shy of 17. The intense grieving lasted about 5 years. However, now I realize that the grieving never completely left because I kept believing our relationship had failed and died. It's true that she is not physically here with me. However, every time I remember her or I pray for her or greet her in prayer, I can ackhowledge she still exists. My faith also tells me she will exist physically again.

I now also look forward to celebratring her life and the impact she had on me and others on key dates: like the day she graduated to the next life; mother's day; and her birthday. I wonder, too, how growing closer with God allows my mother to touch me again and makes it easier to recognize there is still a relationship there. Choosing faith and Love(God) ensures that my relationships live on and grow.

Relationships don't have to fail. We just give up so easily. When we give up so easily on relationships, we give up on Love(God). The good news is all relationships can be resurrected:-). It may not happen quickly, but thats ok, we have lots of time when you have forever. We have to remember that although we may turn our back on God (Love), God(Love) does not turn His back on us.

God seeks for us even if our hearts turn hard. The same is true in our human relationships. The other person's or our own heart may be hard. However, if we are called to be in that relationship, in Love(God), we can pray for him or her. We can reach out continually over time. Love trumps ego, and this is blissfully so.

For relationships to fill the desires of our hearts, Love has to flow back and forth and grow. This necessarily means that God(Love) is involved for He authored Love's growth through relationship. Have faith! God made relationships and they are very good.:-)

The consequences of God's divine love

Competing themes this week as a lot happened. The retreat at my parish given by Fr Tom Allender provided much food for thought, and so I will devote this blog to his retreat. Part of my new years resolution turned out to be the theme of the 3 day talk/retreat.

Diverging from the rest of my blogs, much of what I share in this blog will be a reflection of what I heard from Fr.Tom. Fr, Tom said, if we believe in a God who loves conditionally, we will love ourselves and others this way. If we believe that God only is pleased with us, cares for us and guides us when we do good, then we will treat ourselves and others this way. If we believe in a God who punishes us with silence or distance or criticism and withdraws His love then we will reflect this type of love toward ourselves and others. This type of love makes us fearful of Gods' and other peoples reactions. We can't love unconditionally if we believe God does not love us unconditionally.

As I thought about this I thought about consequences. Consequences can be good or bad. Bad consequences result from poor choices or mistakes. There are consequences to mistakes we make but this does not equate us as being less worthy of being loved. Believing in Karma leaves us with a view of conditional love by the laws of the universe and hence a conditional love by our creator.

Our mistakes, however, are only a small fraction of who we are, and sometimes those mistakes can be a grace for us and others. Yet when we chose to define ourselves or others by these mistakes, then we are damning ourselves. Nowhere is this most evident then with those who are behind bars justly. Even after paying the consequences for their action, they are forever defined in terms of their mistake. I can think of no greater an injustice that is largely ignored. After all, Jesus was condemned a criminal and paid the consequence for his crime during his time.

Sometimes, though, even natural consequences are suspended. Most of us have heard of the chain smoker, like George Burns, who did not develop lung cancer early and die. Then there are those who are health nuts and take care of themselves and die early. If you have enough money you may have had a chance to escape a prison sentence. I am not advocating these actions but just illustrating a point. We can justly or unjustly suffer consequences or even be like Jesus and take on the consequences of others and suffer the penalty. The reality remains we are loved no less, and in some instances may need love even more.

We can see God's unconditional love for us as revealed by Jesus in scripture. Matthew 5:45
..so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Here we are advised to be perfect just like our Father in Heaven is perfect for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good. In other words, He loves unconditionally. But all the reading in the world won't help if we don't really believe in our hearts that we are loved this way by our creator.

It would seem counter intuitive that our God who is unconditional love would not love us this way. We are created as beings who makes mistakes but we know that we are so much more than those mistakes. However, holding onto those mistakes can limit us from being the more that we are. And here is where forgiveness come in and why the Lords prayer helps us be in the moment. We let go of the past and live in the now. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord's_Prayer

This gift of love is with us each and every moment. The more we embrace it the more we become love. And in the words of Father Tom, if we have love then we can give it away. We can't give what we don't have.

It is my prayer that in each moment we open our hearts to God's love, and especially in those moments where we feel we have made a mistake or feel wronged. What a beautiful world this will be when we become the consequences of God's divine love.

New Years Resolutions

1 John 4: 19 – 5: 4 “Beloved, we love God because he first loved us….This is the commandment we have from him: Whoever loves God must also love his brother…”

We have such nostalgia and hope as we finish a year and enter a new one. As we review our year, we look at the aspects of our lives that are important to us and evaluate them based on our needs and wants. We relish in the positive that happened in the year but also focus on whats lacking.

Its the whats lacking that provide the greatest opportunity for growth for us. Some of our goals are superficial. Losing weight, a toned body, improving your health, getting out of debt or making more money, getting a job or a better one, buying a house, making more friends, etc. It focuses on what we have to do or what we have to change and in order to fill the lack. For others new goals just give us a sense of purpose or continue to pursue self improvement. There is nothing wrong with these but sometimes it is best to go deeper to find the true lack.

Whether you have new years resolutions or not, the end of the year is just such a natural time to re-evaluate our lives.For me this is certainly the case. It always happens that I reflect on relationships. This year was no different but my new years resolutions are different. The passage I referenced at the beginning of the blog is the basis of my new years resolutions. As we approach the end of the Christmas season, I continue my reflection on my relationship with God. For in honoring and developing the relationship with Him, can we begin to develop the virtue of true love for others.Focusing on His love for us can not only save us but provide us with the ultimate joy and peace.

So what of my new year's resolutions? Well it focused on how and what gifts the Lord is leading me to explore. These will develop and may morph as I let Him lead me but it begins with exploring voice and music composition through taking lesson and classes, practicing with friends and going public with it.

It focuses on the gifts necessary to be public in ministry and not just private. Another is to honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. To study and learn more about the inspired word, it's purpose, its authors, the history and the language (Greek for the new testament). To devote daily a little time to everything that brings me joy, to have joy in all the little things I do daily and that starts and ends with my relationship to God.

As we reflect and bring on a new year may we know that Love is always there and our purpose is to constantly develop our capacity to receive and give it. Receiving does come first. For if we truly are open to receiving God's love, the giving of that love will surely flow. And that is always a good new years resolution.:-)

A cultural affair

My trip to Peru was an eye opening experience in more ways than one. When one lives alone, one can analyze and tweak one's world view with spiritual exercises or a in a variety of other ways. However, when one is another culture, another continent and country, in a sub dominant language where your family's world view takes precedence..your world can turn upside down.

It's ironic one misses family when in that family all of you individually and collectively simply don't allow the other person to be who they really are. It's almost as if your personality in this particular group morphs into something scarcely recognizable. Somehow I knew this reality would come to pass prior to my trip as I sighed before my departure. My roommate commented and said whats wrong aren't you excited to go and I said yes but....

Now don't get me wrong, the trip in all aspects was amazing. Its just for me to be in some primitive cave woman like existence even for brief moments causes severe psychic pain for me. How could I be dishonest, suspicious and more unsatisfied then satisfied in relationship in a few weeks than I normally am in several months? It's both humbling and humiliating. I have to say we are challenged and experience the most opportunity for growth in intimate relationship whether with family or strangers.

So onto some pleasant experiences and surprises of my trip first. The first would have to be that when I was higher on the pecking order, my family helped out a lot with stuff I had to get done there. So much so that I became more demanding than most human beings have a right to be. Another hi-lite was having such a uniquely fun time at the wedding reception. There is a custom among the young adults with some means there to host a "hora loca" or crazy hour. I was skeptical at first with such a shenanigan but with a little, well more than a little, alcohol, it proved to be the most fun experience of the whole event.

These guys with funny makeup and costumes came out on stilts with long balloons to pass out. They encouraged havoc in dance and action and the spirits ran wild in good fun. I also had the opportunity to dance for 15 minutes plus with my 87 year old uncle. He had seen me dance down to the ground and slowly dance back up prior and proceeded to do the same more than a few times. I was impressed but also scared! To see the spirit of love rise in his heart and have faith in it was touching.

Another pleasant surprise was a response from a business owner whom I contracted some 10 sessions of treatment with. Because I became ill, I wasn't able to go past 4 sessions. I decided to talk with her regarding the situation and how we could resolve it. She immediately offered to give me a full refund, I protested since this was not fair, I had used 4 sessions. She agreed and quickly refunded me the 6 sessions. It was probably a combination of factors that led to her decision. Perhaps a main one was the goodwill established by my cousin being a frequent customer of hers. I was grateful and thankful that such professionalism existed despite the tales of woe about business and strangers my family had filled my head with. The first story came as soon as I landed in Lima.

Lastly, my trip to Cuzco and the Inca trail was amazing. The challenges started early. I had a fever the night before my trip and after the first easy day of the hike, I lost part of a dental filling. As I troubleshooted what to do with others help, I decided to persevere and finish the trail. Coughing and only able to use one side of my mouth, I joked that even under these circumstances one can hike the great elevations of the Andes. My trip ended with a wonderful surprise as the dentist I found was competent, had state of the art equipment, was over the top compassionate in administering the injection, was not pushy in rendering other services and in the end became a friend. We parted in the typical Latin goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

These experiences saved me from the chaos of the cultural affair I was in. As I mentioned earlier I became ill. This happened at the wedding reception. The evening was breezy and chilly and this landed me with a rather severe cold. The end of my trip with family saw me in bed more often than not where fever visited and revisited me. There are few events aside from physical illness for me when I become so egocentric that every lapse of attention and care causes me to recoil. This certainly was exacerbated due to an earlier experience where my patience ran thin with a dinner episode that had me at the end of the pecking order. The fact that I responded in primitive form left everyone all the worse for the experience.

Another humbling experience happened on the Inca trail. In my handicapped state, I was searching for my camera through my backpack and was unable to find it. I searched three times taking just about everything from the pack and opening every zipper. I searched the tent. I then thought perhaps my tent mate had by mistake put it away in her pack since I last remembered it being in the tent. After this failed, I gave into suspicion and thought well someone had to take it..since it didn't just disappear. As illogical as this was, I was perplexed as to what could have happened with the camera. Well my suspicion caught fire by remembering others prior complaints, and I caused an uproar at campsite. After checking all the porters and feeling badly this had to happen, I finally asked to receheck my backpack. This time I took out everything and in a hidden compartment, our trail guide felt a protrusion that seemed like a camera and he finally located the secret zipper. How embarrassing to have caused so much angst among everyone.

This experience can be excused a little more due to the crazy circumstances and being thrust among strangers. In familial or longterm and close friendship, one would think, however, that when you know people well enough and they know you...that you could somehow navigate past the landmines. We think it would be nice if we such perfect control over our will in moments of confusion or doubt. But we don't and I am thankful we don't, because that's how we grow and how we can respond with love.

That love sometimes has to have space, reflection and a seed planted in our heart. That seed for me is so evident but in my cultural chaos I couldn't even think of it. That seed is to see Christ in everyone. I have been graced with the response to His love. And with that grace the seed has begun sprouting. What joy amidst chaos when this seed will one day explode into a passion in our heart. It may not always prevent us from experiencing and reacting to disappointment or pain or loneliness in this world. However, it can transport us to a joy that surpasses those experiences.

May we all grow in Love and in relationship. And may we reflect this Christmas season on the great gift of Christ taking human form to save us by showing us how to Love. And may that Love transport us past all the variations in life which become our cultural affairs.

The walk (Part 2)

I was happy to skip confession due to the inconvenience with my schedule. After all, a lot of what was requisite in order to get to that point was not natural to me or at least not natural to the adult I had become. Humility, self-examination and self disclosure were qualities I had disdain for. This was due to familial and cultural messages I had received. This translates to two main things I struggled with since my tweens, an inordinately hard time trusting and an inordinate amount of pride.

I had been reading a book entitled "Talking about Miracles" by Dr. Patrick Thellier in the evenings and this may last evening was no exception. It was written by a physician who was the twelfth doctor to head the Lourdes Medical Bureau. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lourdes_Medical

I was poetically on the last chapter of the book. The last chapter riveted me because it had unequivocally stated that if you miss some of the things to do while in Lourdes its OK but do NOT miss confession. I put the book down and reluctantly thought well OK. I was open to where the signs lead me because this trip was proving to be magical on lots of levels despite going through all the motions of typical tourism for me.

The first difference I noticed was that it was the antithesis of my experience in Medjugorje*. Everything was free. The tours, the healing baths, the waters, the museums ,the movies at the center, the masses and the adoration of the cross. Although there were some donation boxes around , no person ever asked for a donation or even implied it and not even at mass:-) Everyone who worked there was a volunteer. The priests leading the tours and the men and women helping with the baths were all there because they wanted to be. They believed and seemed blessed in the service they were providing. The only thing I paid for while there was my room at the convent which included meals, the movies I watched at the theaters and the plastic jugs I filled with the free healing water.

At mass I met a young woman who had come to bring healing water for her nephew who had a terminal and incurable condition. This touched me as a more urgent reason to come than my own of simple curiosity. I immediately prayed for her and her nephew during the mass. After the homily the priest suggested we get to know the person next to us in the pew during the sign of peace and to pray for their needs. This coincidence was one of many.

The experience that what was most significant for me however were the unprovoked and unique thoughts that came to me during my stay. I will share the most poignant one for me. It was on suffering. More specifically, it was the suffering in relationship.

I thought of Christ on the cross and everything he endured and yet his Love for us was steadfast. The words Jesus uttered from the cross of "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do" were always one of my favorite and had led to my initial belief in Christ back in college. But this time the words spoke clearly of the magnificence of Love. Love would not be Love without suffering. In other words, if someone suffers for you their Love seems deeper and in some sense genuine. If Christ had not suffered and died for us would his Love mean as much? If he had just healed and preached and then just bid everyone adieu as he ascended into heaven would HE and God have touched us as much?

In our own lives, think of the people who have hurt you the most. Did you forgive them and still love them? If you did this from a position of freedom and strength the action would have meant all the more. For the fortunate few that have experienced this, how did this feel? What was your response?

If we are in the image of God and God dwells within us to reveal our true nature, then ultimately we are called to Love in this fashion. Suffering then tests our Love and makes it deeper and real. A beautiful yet scary realization for me.

With this in mind, I first did my confession in my room to God in private. After pouring out my heart, I did what was hardest for me to do to which was to forgive my adoptive father. Amidst tears I heard a voice say, "you have a beautiful heart." Before falling asleep I looked up the confession schedule in the morning and decided to go to the earliest confession before leaving.

The following morning I went into the room where confessions were being heard. There were a multitude of languages offered. Only two applied to me, English and Spanish. My confession to God the night before was in English and so I wanted an English speaking priest but they were all busy. I looked at a Spanish speaking priest and saw his room was empty and available. I looked inside and he seemed stern to me. Nevertheless, I went in and had a great conversation and confession.

I basically repeated what I had told God the night before and amidst my tears the priest said "tienes un corazon muy bonito"(you have a beautiful heart). He told me that "la virgen te acariciado durante tu visita" in other words that the virgin Mary had caressed my face during my visit there. He asked me a few questions about vocation and whether I wanted to marry. He then gave me some recommendations for what to seek out and do when I returned back to the bay area. I left in awe. It was the most authentic, humbling and self disclosing confession and experience I had ever had. It was not only healing and validating but led to me a very different point in my spiritual journey.

Part 3 will tie in how this experience has led to my present walk. *Also if you would like to know a little more on my Medjugorje experience, please let me know and I will include in the next part.

The walk (Part 1)

As promised I will now elaborate on my trip to Lourdes and why that was such a momentous occasion. In reality the thread started earlier, but in this particular trip and in this particular moment, I became aware that Mary was gently bringing me to God. This story will have a part 1 and part 2. This part will focus on some background and the next on more significant events that tie to present day.

Prior to my summer vacation in 2009, lots happened that was unusual and jolting but I had responded in typical pragmatic form in the end. I landed another teaching position with the same and different requisites.

I always travel to some fun and mischievous international destination most summers as a way to rejuvenate and regroup. The summer of 2009 was no exception. I had a friend living in Pamplona, Spain at the time. We had been conversing about when the best time to visit would be months earlier. The "running of the bulls" happened in early July and her vacation coincided with Pamplona's claim to fame. These "runs" lasted about 10 days with all night parties. It sounded like great fun! As I planned for my trip and coordinated the dates with professional obligations I had at home, I noticed Pamplona was close to France and then saw it was so close to Lourdes, France.

At this juncture, I should briefly explain why I recognized Lourdes. I had been raised a Catholic but rather surrendered the formal faith somewhere around the age of 15 for many reasons. One particular reason was that I felt the moral standards were too lax. The revolving door of sinning and confession for the same sins grated against my condescending disposition at the time.

On the other hand the Mormons seemed to walk the talk more. Of course, my focus was narrow again namely on the parameters of drugs and sex. In 1990 or thereabouts I had left Mormonism and after some study of the New Testament in the Bible, decided to investigate the Catholic Church with much reluctance. Reluctance because I had left this faith. It was in a little church called St. John Vianney that I decided to start my inquiry. It was here I was introduced to a movie called the "Story of Bernadette" which was a story of a girl who had supposedly seen the virgin Mary in Lourdes, France. It made a big impression at the time.

However, many years had passed, and in 2002 I had since gone to a disillusioning trip to Medjugorje, (another supposed Virgin Mary apparition happening since 1981). Marian apparitions lost significance for me after that. Nevertheless, since Lourdes was so close to Pamplona, curiosity and some time to kill led to me to take two days of my trip there.

After witnessing the crazy tradition in Pamplona as well as attending my first bullfight, I was spent on the human and animal carnage. I did however have some great times hanging with my friend, meeting new people, doing mischievous yet harmless things and eating good food. I then drove to Lourdes and stayed at what I refer to as a nunnery. Nothing unusual here as I had stayed at a monastary in Mallorca the last time I was in Spain. They were both safe and affordable havens.

I quickly set out to do everything I could do while there typical Angela tourism style. But almost immediately I felt something very different. I felt a peace and almost other worldliness while there. The deeper details and more interesting part of this blog will follow in part 2. What follows is the superficial chronology of what I did while there.

As I mentioned earlier I tried to do everything of interest while there. I went to see movies on Bernadette's life, did the tour of the house she grew up in, visited the grotto where Mary appeared and filled some jugs with holy water there. I went to the museum of authenticated miraculous cures. I lit a candle and said a prayer for a friend who requested to find a job. I went to Mass and the adoration of the cross. Lastly, or so I thought, I went to the bookstore to get some mementos, gifts for friends and books. It was night and raining again, and I was due to leave the next morning and so I thought, oh well, confession will have to be skipped. (To be continued)

BTW If you are curious about Lourdes, here are a couple of links that gives a good overview.
http://gofrance.about.com/od/othercities/a/lourdes.htm

http://witcombe.sbc.edu/sacredplaces/lourdes.html, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernadette_Soubirou

Moral Heroes

I started reading a book by Scott Peck entitled "In Search Of Stones". Some of you may have read or heard about his other book "The Road Less Traveled". I casually picked this particular book up while browsing a used bookstore waiting for a friend. It seemed to offer some insights so I picked it up.

While I admire Peck's honesty in regards to his moral shortcomings and bad choices repeatedly made and some he still makes, it put me in a quandary. It's something that has bothered me ever since I can remember. It has caused me undue grief in my personal and professional life, and I am anxious to turn the corner on a peaceful yet just solution to the matter. This will take God to help and guide me and time.

OK, Angela, spit it out, what the heck are you talking about? Sin. From the fact we commit it at all, to our rational lies (rationalize) about them, to those who deny the sin or feel comfortable in always being forgiven by our ever loving Heavenly Father.

My struggle started super young and has obviously morphed. I think I was about 5 or 6 when my mother and father introduced me to the concept of sin. They told me that Jesus died for our sins and that we all sin. My first thought was wow I can't believe He had to suffer this way, gosh we suck! Then my thoughts turned to me in particular. What do you mean I Have to sin? No I Will not! Why am I being condemned before being given a chance? These thoughts should come as no surprise given my "Earliest Memory" blog entry written earlier.

Well needless to say not only have I sinned but just about broken all the 10 commandments in one form or another more times then I can possibly remember. In my tween years, I just remember focusing on the stuff that seemed to control people, namely drugs and sex. I thought it's nuts that people HAD to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and/or drink in order to function and that SEX ruled so much of people's actions.

Most of us have a choice of whether to put ourselves in tempting situations. For most of us it also involves some choice to cross the line and once crossed it is easier to cross again. And, some of us can become addicted. Sex however is natural and it's power necessary to bring men and women together for procreation and union. For me it's all about how we view it, our bodies and others.

In my tween's, I foresaw the degeneration of values and embarrassingly even hoped for it. I thought, if I can wait to sleep with a man until marriage then I will be a unique being. I'll be a woman who will be sought after because the supply will be much less then demand. Ah that pragmaticism started early! Sadly, not only was I right that about the decline in sexual mores but there is now disdain and skepticism in the value of chasteness. Yet it is in this era and in this culture that the power of God and His grace can be such a powerful witness to what we are destined for.

So why do I bring this up? Because Scott Peck's admission of infidelity was accompanied by the statement that the majority of men and more than a handful of women commit adultery. He made it somehow seem that we are destined to do these things given our natures.

Yet something allowed me to see that it just wasn't the fact that we sin that bothered me. It was that some of his views pointed to a cultural view of intimacy between a man and a woman that disregards the sacredness and respect for sexual intimacy. His focus on lust's waning and the mundane feeling that happens after many many years of marriage seemed poignant of the disconnect from what we fantasize to what the reality of marriage is. It's a good reality. The call to love someone else more than yourself, to sacrifice and even suffer at times through trials and even the mundane is what gives meaning to love. How deep can love become when it is in service to God and the other through good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? How can love that deepens in this way ever be mundane?

So who better to point the way to holy love than a moral hero? I grew up with Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul whom in my mind were moral heroes. Not sinless but just loving enough and open enough to God that His grace exposed the holier side of human nature. While they were alive, we were inspired and our conscience's provoked simultaneously.

It's made me think we are capable of so much more than being a slave to sin. We are in fact capable of being Moral Heroes. May God bless us daily with examples of all virtues, and that we will desire to cultivate those virtues in ourselves. Matthew Chapter 5 verses 1-48 can guide us, and it reveals what we are capable of. It ends ironically with verse 48 below. May we all begin to experience this ecstasy one day.

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+5&version=NIV

A labor of love

Labor day is usually a sign of many things in our culture. It symbolizes a break from the start of the school year for some. For others it marks the end of summer. For yet others, it is a reminder that a myriad of holidays is right around the corner and the year will be over. For some it is either a time to be thankful for working, a reminder of work or a time to be looking and praying for work in the the newly coined phrase "in this economy".

Any economy has boundless opportunities whether our focus is broad and flexible or narrow and focused. The definition and the attributes of the work and it's remuneration is what stress us sometimes. That definition which is created by our broad and narrow subcultures can imprison us if we allow it too.

Taking some time off or retiring early are rarely seen as options even though a lot of us don't have familial obligations. It seems fear is an equal opportunity visitor no matter what the financial condition of the individual. If you have a job and are afraid of losing it, if you don't have a job and want one, if you are taking time off and worry about what is next, if you are retired and worry about a health concern or worry if you have enough resources to last if you should live a long life. We all seem to be so tempted to live in the future and a possible bleak one to boot.

I certainly don't advocate throwing caution to the wind and not trying to plan. But there is only so much control you have. Labor, the remunerated kind, for me has rarely been about a labor of love. First, it was about making as much money as I could in a pragmatic way with my marketable skills. Then it was about finding something fulfilling or a passion that made economic sense. The call to teach in a public school system or in a church or in your own business or in some other capacity look different and teach you different things. Despite how passionately I felt about what I taught and about the children, I always cloaked it with the highest return on investment.

I've always relied on and admired my pragmatic nature. It has ruled my work and my relationships. But at many points during my journey, my heart pulled my elsewhere. In a sense, perhaps, my pragmatic nature has pulled me away from some potentially fulfilling relationships and from following my true vocational call.

So here I am at a crossroads--not by my own choice--because my pragmatic-ism would not have allowed it--but nevertheless a choice after not being chosen:-). I know this is a definitive sign and my grand opportunity again. My opportunity to break free from the should, the pragmatic ism and the worry and to finally let God in completely first and let him lead me day by day.

It is perhaps the growth, the prior steps, the life experience that finally yields to the wisdom to "give us this day our daily bread..." and that putting God first is the sweet surrender of worry and the only place where we can put our trust and happiness.

Yes, we all toil and all work has it's value. Yet, let us not forget Matthew 6:24-34 (Luke 12:24-27)

24 "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. 25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32 For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.


　

Dating Strangers

There were a lot of memorable events during this past almost 4 day backpacking trip. It was the first of many I hope to come. I never thought I would consider myself the type. Camping is only a once in awhile thing for me. But many things made this experience unique. First, I had awesome gear some good friends lent me. Second, I slept in a tent by myself for the first time. I wish someone had vehemently told me about this option earlier. Dating of course it would seem rude to request your own tent. But after this experience, I will only acquiesce if I am engaged, and he doesn’t snore. Lastly, I had some experienced and heavy duty backpackers as companions.

The beauty, ruggedness and sanctuary feel to the experience was amazing. We camped out by a beautiful lake, and we were the only campers around! Sculpted walls and mountains surrounded the tranquil lakes. Pushing my limits physically and psychologically were both exhilarating and humbling. Tackling this adventure took a huge leap of faith for me, and I am glad I did it.

Along with the physical and psychological newness of the adventure came thoughts of an old adventure I have always hoped I would one day tackle..marriage. It takes many of the ingredients enlisted on this trip, with one huge extra ingredient, love. As I pondered how I might get to the goal, I recognized that the adventures I had overwhelmingly embarked on were in fact dating strangers.

The romance, the intrigue, the mystery of meeting someone new and enveloping on a whirlwind romantic adventure is exciting. Hollywood, friends and sometimes even family egg us on to the ritual of dating a stranger. Meeting through a social or church group, meeting at the grocery store, a baseball game, a dance, online or whereever can all be great beginnings to relationships if developed over time. However, it usually starts immediately with sparks and some type of marched on courtship. From a woman’s point of view, the wining and dining, the chocolates and flowers, the beach walking hand in hand, the flattering language and gifts are not only very desirable but to some degree necessary.

What comes later is not only human but a necessary ingredient for love--reality. As humans we all gifted with traits so amazing--anyone would be lucky to have us. We also possess traits that some would find challenging and others could not live with. Some of these traits can not only be handled but cherished with love. The fullness of both sides of the equation comes with time and friendship. The antithesis of romance with a stranger.

And for me specifically, it usually comes at a high price. It seems like I have dated half of the bay area strangers by now. What rarely comes for me in these short romances is love and real love from the temporary boyfriend I have, despite what he proclaims. What he is feeling is some degree of extreme attraction and liking certain superficial character traits I seem to possess. He doesn’t know me any better than I know him. We are barely scratching the surface and so how can any feeling be deep or long lasting much less truly grow into love.

So what’s the solution? Beats me..its why I am still single I guess. One thing I do know is that the initial attraction that is delayed, interrupted and developed through friendship does lead to love for me. It has only happened on rare occasions, and it is both a treat and a great risk. The treat is that the hope for love is enhanced and the risk is that you may lose the friendship, and suffer a truly broken heart. At this point in my life, I’d rather have a broken heart than date another stranger.

My Earliest Memory

A more timely blog this week:-) Thanks to those who have commented. I welcome feedback as I am still a beginning blogger. I joined the red room, a writer’s forum, about 6 months ago. They sent me an email with this topic as a blog suggestion. So here goes!

One of my very first memories goes back to when I was about 1 to 1 and a half years old. I have a few memories around this age but I will focus on only one. As a caveat, I will relay my thoughts in the language I think I must have used. In all honesty, I just remember the feelings and the general thoughts. The memory is brief and I can’t remember many details around me. I was very much in my own little world and just remember disruptions to this reality. No wise cracks in silence or otherwise! And of course a philosophical commentary ends the muse.

I know that I was with my mom and that she was grooming me for something. There were people around as I heard voices in the background. I felt like my head was in a fog and I hated that sensation. My mom as I remember was a strong but gentle woman with a soothing voice. She was combing my hair and was putting a small portion of it in a pig tail on top of my head. I felt extreme pain as she pulled my hair, and my head bobbed to and fro. I grimaced from the pain all the while feeling this foggy head. The next thing I knew she was picking me up. As this happened, I thought to myself I hate that people can pick me up when they want and I can’t stop it. Then I remember more cranky thoughts simultaneously. I hate that my head is in a fog, and I can’t shake it. I hate that I can’t really control my arms very well (they flayed around a bit). I don’t know where to put my hand so I think I’ll just rest it on my mom’s shoulder. Should my hand be open or closed? I think closed. Good at least I can prop myself up. Good grief I hope this is over soon.

Well it is and isn’t over:-) My head is rarely in a fog these days and I can control my arms very well. People do not pick me up at will and I have control over that pretty much. Now, however, I realize I don’t have control over other things. I can’t will a relationship to be...even when the other person is willing it too! Although I can influence people around me to a certain degree, I can’t really control the actions of those around me. Jobs, companies and industries change and morph with time. People leave in various forms thru relocation, change in values or needs, relationship status and ultimately death. And even my own gift of life which I can influence with the things I do, say, the values I embrace and the things I eat...can never guarantee me a long life. My exit is just as much of a mystery as my entrance.

So I’m hoping what I am learning is that although I will always find things I don’t have control over....the one thing I do have control over is the same thing I had control over at 1 and a half. My state of mind. I can chose to love every minute of my existence and choose to see and feel God in every stroke of life. I can choose to see how each moment brings me closer to God, to love and to others. And I can choose to love the beauty of ambiguity and not having control. Afterall, by design, it seems this is the way it should be. We are all connected. Ironically, although I find I have less control than I think..God gives the grand promise that with HIM all things are possible.

Dreams

It’s time for you to go to sleep at night. The moon is out, the dark starry sky beckons rest. Or perhaps, you had a late night and just fall into bed from exhaustion. Even the mid day nap that seems like a delicious treat...all bring a familiar companion--the dream.

Most dreams are odd and some bring interesting characters from your near or not so near past or even strangers. One of my recurring dreams has been that I can jump so high that I can eventually fly. More recently, my dreams involve romantic interests, and I am often perplexed as to why they keep visiting me.

First, I’ll detail a definition of dreams and different theories and then my own musings. According to dictionary.com, dreams are a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. Freud attributes dreams to suppressed desires, and Jung thought dreams were a tool to help us grow. On the other hand, the bible often has God or angels speaking to people through dreams.

Some dreams are as vivid as real life. Who hasn’t experienced a dream so real where you try to wake yourself up so that you can determine if the experience is real or not? I have some dreams I can never forget. My most recent dreams have the same people and themes, and so I feel there is something I am trying to resolve.

Romantic relationships took on a renewed significance for me after my summer vacation last year to Lourdes, France. The details of that will be saved for another blog. After I came back my relationships and life started radically changing. I dated with different eyes. Eyes I did not have before. My prayers were different and the people that came into my life naturally shared similar characteristics. My dreams were odd and dealt with the things that drew me to people. In all instances, I had an ambiguos definition and an interruption in the relationship. It didn’t matter how much I moved on consciously nor how much it made sense to me while awake. At night my dreams painted a different story. The stories kept coming up over and over even while I was in relationship with someone else.

Perhaps it was also my way of healing and perhaps it was my way of clarifying my current relationship. One thing is certain--once I moved on from my current relationship where clarity and definition were present, I did not dream much about that person. It was almost as if my heart was communicating with me on a certain level that my mind just could not understand.

Dreams when remembered are rarely boring, and they might clue us into the
possibility that life has two sides to it. Our daytime conscious life that we influence with our will and desires; and a nighttime subconscious life that tries to influence us with it’s will and desires.

Duality seems a reality in most spheres of existence. And even though I am often quick to label the night time existence as too mysterious to ponder. The reality may be that our daytime existence might also be more of a mystery than I think. One thing I can count on is that when night falls, and I am at peace enough to fall asleep in short order, my nighttime visitor will come. Sweet dreams!

Truth

Sorry for the delay this week. I meant to start something else but life events last week caused another reflection. It’s by far the weightiest subject for me because it seems so exacting and yet complex. So I ask your mercy on this blog writing. It was difficult to tackle and create a flow. This is my final draft and I hope it provides some insight and benefit.

Truth for me shines a light on how much we come up morally short. Although, I don’t advocate full disclosure to everyone you meet or expressing every thought on your mind. That licence is saved for 5 year old children and older individuals. Lucky dogs!:-)

What I am talking about is the range from a white lie to deception to an outright lie or of course bearing false witness. The other area I’ll touch is when you use the truth like a weapon, where the underlying purpose is to cause harm and not to help.

We can think of incredible circumstances that seem to justify the use of an outright lie. I pointed out an example of a holocaust story in a morality lecture in my adult group at church. What about the Catholic family hiding a Jewish person in their home, and a Nazi knocks on your door and asks if you are hiding a Jew? The responses I heard were interesting. One was--You don’t have to lie but just withhold the truth. In other words don't respond. Another was--say you only have friends in your home. You are treating them as a friend so in a sense they are. These are subtlety's for sure, but the point is still to deceive. The motivation here though seems noble, and all the while trying to skirt a bold faced lie.

This brings us to the white lie. Who can fault a husband who answers no to his wife’s question--Do I look fat? If he thinks she has put on a few pounds or something makes her look heavier he says opposite. This seems innocent and saves grief.

Surely the majority of our deceptions, lies or withholding information is not motivated by saving someone else literally or their feelings. It is motivated by purely selfish reasons. Whether it is to save ourselves from embarrassment, make ourselves appear more attractive, wealthy, smart, in the know etc. or save our job or win a game, earn more money or just hide a platonic opposite sex relationship from a spouse who may be uncomfortable with it. The possibilities seem endless don’t they? I’m sure we can pose a very persuasive argument for why the chosen deception/lie was appropriate and even good.

On the other hand we can use the truth as a weapon, express criticism or at least make a joke.I hate your blog or you write terribly would be a couple of examples:-) Certainly if you ask a question it is best to be prepared for the answer! The hurtful truth, however, can help us to improve. A well meaning white lie may mire us in mediocrity and may create a false bond with the white liar.

Deceptions can be interpersonal and institutional. An interpersonal example is a man/woman you have been dating for a couple of months answers your question of when was your last significant relationship by saying that he/she was involved in a relationship about a year ago for about a year. After things don't work out between you two, you uncover that that year long relationship ended while he/she was dating you. An institutional example is a bishop under oath at a trial says he can’t recall if he was aware that a priest he transferred had several molestation charges against him when he transferred him. The letter presented as evidence seemed to indicate otherwise.

The truth is deception hurts. Our deception can damage a relationship often worse than the truth itself. Oftentimes the deception comes out much later and the damage is more severe. Its almost as if the lie grows in its capacity to erode trust as time passes. Certainly our consciences will not be at peace with lies.

If we all live a life with appropriately and sometimes habitually chosen deception, we makes it easier to lie in general. Here we create our individual and collective reality and erode trust. This is arguably one of the most vital components in any relationship, familial, friendship, romance, church, state and even in the marketplace.

However, we are human and we make mistakes, sometimes, repeatedly. So what are we to do? Well first, it may help us to change our view of truth. Truth is a great vehicle for making us happy. Our creator designed us this way. So what to do when we slip and deceive? Confess it, repent and make amends somehow. Fear sometimes traps us in a loop by first deceiving and then being to afraid to admit the deception. It's almost as if we are trapped in fear of the consequences and the consequences consequences:-) As painful and unwise as fear tells us the truth is, I pray we don't lose sight of the consequence our Lord told us about...the truth will set you free.

Introduction to "A Musing Angel"

Welcome to my first public forum! This has been in the works for awhile and now it is finally live! My blog name comes from a desire to call on the divine messengers to aid in this dialogue. I hope you find this blog inspiring and amusing (pun intended:-)!

Some of us are fortunate enough to find and follow our calling/passion from an early age. Some of us start later in life and some of us like me are not quite sure which talent to pursue. Sadly most of us on this planet never have the chance to follow any divine voice because our lot in life seems to dominate our thoughts with worry. Whether it’s where our next meal will come from, a health issue, a financial concern, a status issue or any of the myriad of things which can occupy our thoughts with worry. The truth seems to be that no matter what our lot in life--we have a divine gift to share and if we feed that seed our lot in life will change and our view will change. So please consider this an exercise in this; namely an attempt to give voice to the divine gift of creativity in me through the written word.

Since I was able to articulate and remember thought, at the age of about two, I have been very philosophical. At that age, I was both perplexed and inquisitive about our human condition and motivations. Later, in elementary school--I developed a passion for words and music. I loved and excelled in spelling bees, wrote poetry, wrote songs in a Capella, wrote short stories and kept journals. I found it was the best way to channel my powerful emotions and give life to the most tender and authentic part of my being. My query is simply this: Can my life experience and my ability to communicate this through the written word be of service to my fellow human beings?

And can I help someone else somehow find their passion through some mysterious way in the words they read here? I hope the answer is a resounding yes!

So what will you write about and how often? Good question! Most of this will be organic, however, it will cover all types of relationships. I’ll try to subdivide them for easy reference. God, romance, opposite sex friendship, female friendships, teacher/child, familial, fellow human being and feline:-) Occasionally I will write about something else like politics or financial but it will always tie back to relationship in some sense..our relationship with groups, money in short everything influences who we are and what we become. I will write once a week and publish on Sunday and I will try to be pithy!

Lastly, because this will be organic I encourage suggestions and dialogue. Thank you for visiting and reading and I hope you join me and find joy on our journey!