In the Chaos, Surrender to the Process of Redemption

I wonder how often we trust in a paradigm that simply does not work. I think it happens often in life and we either change or ignore it.

In the past, I have often thought why do people live a life that more often than not brings chaos into their life. Perhaps for some their personality type or life experience or both leads them to skirt the potential danger..almost as a thrill.

On the other hand, some of us because of our personality type and life experience..mistrust people and ourselves so much we bury ourselves in religious practice. Sometimes we truly want to find and get close to God, but more often we care to admit if we are honest we are running from something too.

In any case, it seems we often encounter things that just don't line up with how we think things should work. And if you continue down a path rationalizing long enough...sometimes God just throws a monkey wrench so severe you can no longer continue on the same path.

Those who have known me the longest know I can tend to be stubborn and loyal to a fault. These attributes do have their plus side for sure. But I have also been blessed with analyzing myself, others and things the way they work.

To be sure no amount of praying, bargaining, saving and a false sense of security will ever shield you from who you are. The beauty is you can change if you want to. You just have to be ready to see things and  finally change a pattern that simply does not work. 

God most assuredly talks to us in still moments but he also talks to us thru other people. Thru other people can be jarring. Sometimes it is too much or over exaggerated but make no mistake the is value is still there.

Without adversity and people checking us, we don't grow. And realistically we are loved and love few people enough to put the energy in to work it out when it gets very messy. We love and are loved by few who will do what it takes to amend and get past it. More often than not if you are willing..it just takes time.

I think the beauty of this life is that your capacity to be in those situations of being loved and loving gets better. We gain a better capacity to do it. I am of course talking about relationships that are longer term and close. 

Although valuable, being a Mother Theresa and catering to the dying or fighting with the opposition, or dealing in a hierarchical structure is an unequal relationship and  often a very temporary one as well. Charity and altruism is beautiful but most of us can only pull that off when we are just in the right mental space and it is temporary.

The longer term closer relationship with all these images of God are much more challenging. It is almost as if if you can't love your neighbor, you can't really recognize God's love and providence. 

It is not about being perfect with every reaction as somehow God graces you with how to react with every situation but it is just about being honest. The struggle is real and it never ends but thats the joy really..letting go of our desire for perfection or apathy and caring enough about yourself and others to make it thru.

And I think that is where I need to grow next. It is really relying on God's providence because it all works out in the end..even when we pass. It's messy and evil sometimes but somehow God's love redeems all of it. Even the weak, messy and evil inside of us. Because that part is always us taking control instead of surrendering to Him and the needs he puts before us in inconvenient times. When we succeed in those tests..we feel closer to Him and when we fail..we have a choice. The first is to rationalize and harden your heart. The second is to face it..amend it if you can and in the chaos surrender to the process of redemption.

The Ultimate Challenge

About 5-7 years ago I took a strengths finder test at St. Dominic's and my number one gift deigned on me buy God was Command. Command connotes authority, decisiveness and courage. I admit I was not too thrilled with it at the time. It is not exactly the typical feminine profile. But then again--St. Catherine of Sienna and Joan of Arc had those gifts. Mother Theresa and Mary did as well even if they were more humble and soft spoken.

So now I embrace it…after all what choice do I have? Suffocating a gift is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

And that brings me to the real topic and a revelation at least for the moment. So first some caveats before I reveal what I am about to reveal. First, prayer and miracles happen all the time and you never know when…persistence is key. Second, I apologize in advance if this news causes distress or for some reason you feel you should have found out another way. Thirdly, It is my sincere hope that this particular blog entry is of spiritual, intellectual and emotional value for you.

So first the news and a lot of pour out of me reflection.:-)

As you know the Big C -- Christ is a big deal to me..HE has been for a very very long time. Perhaps HE has always been and always will be a big deal to me. I can't imagine any circumstance changing that. What the little c has taught me is that I am human, have real fears about death (I really like life)  and that the greatest challenges bring about untold blessing for you and others.

Yes the little c is cancer. So bear with me as I delve into the specifics. On April 6th of this year after monitoring a nodule discovered by accident for about 7 months, I underwent a needle biopsy on my right lung. I received the results on Wednesday April 8th of that week. That nodule was a carcinoid tumor very slow growing but none the less cancer.

Before I could wrap my brain around the news..I was scheduled for a battery of tests for the following week to see if the particular cells involved had gone awry elsewhere or if there was any metastasis. I had never in my life experienced moments of fear and paralyzation as I had about this news. I stayed positive most of the time but subconsciously the fear of the unknown weighed heavy on the back of my mind where I had pushed it. 

My control freak nature went on a rampage devouring every bit of information about the rare form of this particular cancer I had (only 5% of people get it) and there is no known cause or risk factor. I googled a special foundation, found support groups, specialized information, faith resources, and diet resources. And in this whirlwind with the constant support of good friends and family both near and far..I managed to at least still go to daily mass and pray.

Two epiphanies came. One is I was letting fear get in the way of my relationship with God, and two I surrendered and let God know and my cousin who heard my confession that even if it was my time and I was dying I still loved HIM. 

Now looking back it seemed mellow dramatic..but really we don't know when our time will come. It can be slow or it can be fast. Don't get me wrong, I pleaded, begged my Heavenly Father and had my core group do the same for healing for something that had not spread. But part of me finally realized in the end His will would be done. Nothing for me was ever so humbling.

The good news is after being poked a dozen times, going through countless CT scans..laughing and kidding around some of the time with them and then that crazy O scan..the full body scan the results came. They were all negative and my tumor was not very active. I have no doubt the grace of fervent daily prayer from my beautiful friends and family played a role. Right before I got the last bit of most important results on April 17th..I felt this palpable spontaneous peace. So yes if you are going to have cancer this is the best type to have and I am grateful.

I won't bore you with the details of all the due diligence I am doing now but I do know at some point I would like my experience to be a resource for others not only dealing with a cancer diagnosis but any major health problem.

My faith will get me through this, and although I can calculate what is likely to happen, even if I am right, I don't want to short change God and Love. So lets just say I will leave it in the hands of God to see how this chapter ends. But the good news is no matter what, it seems I will be one of the fortunate ones that has an end in sight to killing the cancer definitively. It may not be an easy solution but it will be swift, quick and permanent for this particular cancer if it agrees with God's will.

Ironically, there are a multitude of blessings already gleaned from this experience. Deeper self awareness, my love of life, my love of God, HIS love for me, my love of friends and family and their love for me, reconciliation, deeper compassion, the preciousness of life, greater courage to just stand up for what's right and quit weighing out what others will think and so much more. I have no doubt there are things I can't possibly recognize that are blessings.

So how can I leave you with some value here? Please please remember you are not alone...in your weakest moments God is there and the compassion and love people have hidden in the recesses of their heart comes out..God comes out. 

And what is the Ultimate Courage? To put the big C above the little c and every other letter in the alphabet.:-)  How? Well a start would be to acknowledge all of your self in the most trying of moments and never give up on God or Love. To reach up and out and pour yourself out. The biggest gift you have is the biggest gift for you. The biggest gift you have is the love God wants to pour out from you. Don't stop it when it comes because suffocating it is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

AdventURE

This for Christians is undoubtedly one of the more joyous times of the calendar. Anticipating the incarnation of God and what that means is cause for celebration. It is my hope as I relate my personal journey that you can see yourselves in parts and come a greater understanding of who you are and who God is intending you to be.

This Advent season for me had me desire to be closer to God and to love and I finally went to my first ever spiritual direction meeting. For me it was enlightening as it had me assess where my spiritual life was and my current practices and relationship with God and where I want to go. Wow where I want to go. Where do I want to go?

First I can take that literally and say heaven. However, I took it personally..I looked at Jesus on the crucifix and knew what I always wanted was to get as close to Him as possible in this life. Many detours and distractions come every day..and so it takes a conscious effort for me to go back to the goal. There are more moments of silence than I care to admit. Waiting at the checkout line, driving, working out, reading, waiting for an audition. waiting while on shoot,..waiting for you can fill in the blank. In my daily life I do and wait. If I get in the habit of inviting Jesus in the wait, I will then take him into the do.

Oftentimes I have my goals based on my highest desires and that is good. I can stick to those goals if my heart is truly in it..but sometimes with time I find my heart wants something else more and I realign. Whether I stick to some goals or realign others...we have to have patience and perseverance as the choices of others and God's handiwork unfolds. 

I know many times some of my frustrations are with things not going according to my plan. When I set my plan but relinquish control of it to God then I am open to better possibilities. Those possibilities could lead to me to my goal or other goals I did not know were important to me. I can still persevere with my original goal and am learning that it does not all have to happen now and it will all work itself out anyway. As long as my goal is truly something I desire in essence a very high desire that I will meet at all costs then it will happen...if something else is more important than that is an indication that there are limits to my desire. But I learn and reassess and realign. My goal is to eventually have all facets and goals of my life align with what God has in mind for me.

This Advent for me is about planning, waiting and relinquishing control as I get closer to  Jesus and to God. And I am finding that approaching Advent in this way, has led me to the great mystery and that makes it the ultimate AdventURE.

The Sweet Joy of Surrendering to God's Waves

I am sooo lucky to live where I live. And for all of you that live in
the bay area: rejoice! It's mid-January, and it's 60, sunny, and clear.
On top of that, for a lot of us the ocean is only 20 minutes away. I am at
Half moon Bay again, Teddieless this time. It's a little windy but
outside of that a perfect day in my opinion.

That's why I left Chicago. As I have told countless people, I counted
the actual days that were pleasant in Chicago... 76 out of 365 the year
I last lived there. Here it is more like 300 days. The bay area is
sunny and mild most days while the Chicago area was overcast, frigid, or
hot as a stove most days I remember it.

I wonder sometimes if the climate affects our soul, as well. Many of
the friends I left in Chicago were hard, cynical, and deathly afraid of
change. Maybe that's the way I was to some degree. A couple of my best friends tried to control their environment, I guess out of necessity, and when that
failed they acquiesced to the inevitable waves that came.

I hoped they would eventually become like surfers riding the wave: twisting and
turning with their intentions yet surrendering to what they expected
and didn't quite expect. They never quite got there. They then tried
to control the truth I spoke in love, and in the end our friendships
ended. These were long-term personal and close friendships that
navigated many storms together, and yet the last storms were too much
to weather. Their past mistakes haunted them, and the waves
eventually capsized our friendship, a major interruption in this life.

But I rode that wave knowing there were other roads God's will would
lead us to individually. God is so great that way; even in our
missteps, even in our hurt and in our anger, He always gently tries to
lead us to a joyful and happy place. Surrendering to God's will would
seem desirable if it meant not only accepting the waves but actually
enjoying them!

One friend recently asked me, "What does that mean:
surrendering to God's will?"

Well, humbly and as low to the ground as I can be, I will try to answer
that query on a slightly deeper level. God makes us all unique and
unrepeatable. God designed us all for a purpose. However, we are not
quite polished yet, not quite the perfect piece to fit in the grand
mosaic of heaven. And so we are here to have our edges polished.

As an example: my candor can sting your illusion, and your resistance
brings even more of my candor out. We cut and shape each other, perhaps
with some angst. Or my candor brings out your reflection and gentle
agreement or disagreement, and we dialogue and shape each other another
way. My candor can be gentle or sharp, but it is my gift to the world,
sometimes wanted and sometimes not. And the world's response to my
candor, whether gentle or sharp, is its gift to me, whether I want it
or not.:-)

Surrendering to God's will for me means being true about my needs and
about my desire to love. It's about my desire to be as transparent as
I can be, having full confidence that God's will will be done, that in
this surrender things will be mutually decided, and the path will
naturally narrow. Trying to please everyone or fit in everywhere is, in
short, trying to force things. This naturally will lead to
resistance.

Trying to impose our own will and control the flow of communication
and the expression of love will lead to resistance. So the choice
simply becomes being true to ourselves and true with God and true with
one another in the moment and letting God/Love in to the situations that polish our
edges or trying to control what happens by shutting out Love/God or
trying to force it.

Both scenarios bring dramatic moments, healing moments, joyful
moments, pleasurable moments, exciting moments, sad moments, peaceful
moments, and resistant moments at times. The more we love, the easier
the polishing is to handle, and the more we resist, the more painful
the polishing will be.

In the end, if we embrace it all we will find an overarching peace
and joy knowing God/Love is in charge. Even though we will dance in
this life between surrendering to God's/Love's will and imposing our
own ego, I pray all of us, while living and upon exiting this life,
allow ourselves to experience and to trust the sweet joy of
surrendering to God's waves.

The Abandonment Washes Away

Christmas is in essence such a time of joy. Yet accepting the season into our lives can sometimes be quite difficult. Personally, this season has been bittersweet every year that I can ever remember. When I was a youngster, I wished I had a larger family. When as a teenager I lost the little family I had, I longed for any family. And as an adult, I have mourned that deeper connection to a larger group no matter how I ended up spending Christmas.

Sometimes I spent it with the large family of my boyfriend at the time; those were probably the best Christmases I remember. Sometimes I spent it with my extended, and yet still small, family in Peru. Sometimes I spent it with a married friend's large family, sometimes with just one close friend and, not often (thank God), I have sometimes spent it alone.

My closest and wisest friends saw in my life a recurring theme: that I could not commit to and depend on someone. It wasn't a choice, really. There were always two forces at work: my love of my freedom which was with me ever since I can remember and, more to the core, the emotional loss of my mom at such a young and critical age that it left me wary of getting too attached to any one person or family. It's like abandonment was right around the corner, so I had to leave before I was left. I could never see it, but some of them could. It seems you can never see things clearly until you are ready.

It really boils down to trying to be in control -- trying to control the outcome and being prepared for all the possible options -- versus just letting things be. Now don't get me wrong: we all have choices and some amount of control about where those choices will lead. But we don't have control over the real reasons as to why we do the things we do and, in the end, we don't have control over many outcomes. (In my example: when my mother would be taken away.)

This lack of control and how we abandon and are abandoned is always most painful in our relationships. You can choose to put in effort, apologize when you make a mistake, be funny and interesting, be forgiving, and be whatever adjective you think it takes to have a deep, meaningful connection that lasts forever, and you could still end up divorced, never married, or essentially friendless at any point in time. Even if all your intimate relationships could be successful and everlasting, you will lose them through death eventually. That sounds horrific at first glance, but is it?

Jesus is, for Christians, our savior, our God. He is the model of perfect love, our teacher of perfect intimacy both with God and with one another. For others, He may simply be a folkloric wise man, taking any account of his life and who He really was as, at best, embellished, the gist of the truth likely getting lost in translation. But regardless of where your eyes fit on who He was, He is the most influential man that walked that planet:

We celebrate His birthday like no other. We celebrate His death and resurrection like no other, and we mention His name -- whether to give praise or take it in vain -- like no other. There is no question He is like no other.

So let's look at His intimate relationships. First with His Father, God. He put His relationship with God, as well as God's desires, first always. He put God above His earthly mom and foster dad. He put God above His friends and ultimately above Himself. So let's look at what that showed people of who God is: Jesus dined and communed with "sinners," He washed the apostles' feet, He preached and chastised, He expressed compassion, loneliness, and anger, losing patience at times. Yet He always showed His desire for intimacy and love with God and with the tribes of Israel and then ultimately with as many as asked of or would receive Him.

What was His reward at some critical moments in His life? Well, Peter denied Him three times, and all His friends abandoned him at one point. People spoke badly about Him and claimed he was possessed. He was homeless when he went preaching from town to town. His own kinsmen and the religious leaders of His day wanted Him crucified. He let it happen against His natural and good desire to live and allowed Himself to be crucified. And then on the cross, following His Father's will to the end, even to humiliation, physical and verbal abuse, and a painful death, what were some of His final words? "Father, why have you forsaken me?" I can't imagine how that moment must have felt for Jesus.

Abandonment, even temporarily, is devastating to most of us. Depending on the circumstances, we find it hard to trust again, and not just the individual responsible; we find it hard to trust someone new. And in essence we find it hard to trust God/love, ultimately, because He allowed it to happen.

Part of intimacy is allowing the undesirable to happen knowing that God/love will ultimately take care of us in the end. In these moments of joy and anguish in our closest relationships with each other and with God, let us take a moment and really see the baby Jesus and know He trusted us first. And that in the end if we turn back to God and each other, the abandonment washes away.