The Ultimate Challenge

About 5-7 years ago I took a strengths finder test at St. Dominic's and my number one gift deigned on me buy God was Command. Command connotes authority, decisiveness and courage. I admit I was not too thrilled with it at the time. It is not exactly the typical feminine profile. But then again--St. Catherine of Sienna and Joan of Arc had those gifts. Mother Theresa and Mary did as well even if they were more humble and soft spoken.

So now I embrace it…after all what choice do I have? Suffocating a gift is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

And that brings me to the real topic and a revelation at least for the moment. So first some caveats before I reveal what I am about to reveal. First, prayer and miracles happen all the time and you never know when…persistence is key. Second, I apologize in advance if this news causes distress or for some reason you feel you should have found out another way. Thirdly, It is my sincere hope that this particular blog entry is of spiritual, intellectual and emotional value for you.

So first the news and a lot of pour out of me reflection.:-)

As you know the Big C -- Christ is a big deal to me..HE has been for a very very long time. Perhaps HE has always been and always will be a big deal to me. I can't imagine any circumstance changing that. What the little c has taught me is that I am human, have real fears about death (I really like life)  and that the greatest challenges bring about untold blessing for you and others.

Yes the little c is cancer. So bear with me as I delve into the specifics. On April 6th of this year after monitoring a nodule discovered by accident for about 7 months, I underwent a needle biopsy on my right lung. I received the results on Wednesday April 8th of that week. That nodule was a carcinoid tumor very slow growing but none the less cancer.

Before I could wrap my brain around the news..I was scheduled for a battery of tests for the following week to see if the particular cells involved had gone awry elsewhere or if there was any metastasis. I had never in my life experienced moments of fear and paralyzation as I had about this news. I stayed positive most of the time but subconsciously the fear of the unknown weighed heavy on the back of my mind where I had pushed it. 

My control freak nature went on a rampage devouring every bit of information about the rare form of this particular cancer I had (only 5% of people get it) and there is no known cause or risk factor. I googled a special foundation, found support groups, specialized information, faith resources, and diet resources. And in this whirlwind with the constant support of good friends and family both near and far..I managed to at least still go to daily mass and pray.

Two epiphanies came. One is I was letting fear get in the way of my relationship with God, and two I surrendered and let God know and my cousin who heard my confession that even if it was my time and I was dying I still loved HIM. 

Now looking back it seemed mellow dramatic..but really we don't know when our time will come. It can be slow or it can be fast. Don't get me wrong, I pleaded, begged my Heavenly Father and had my core group do the same for healing for something that had not spread. But part of me finally realized in the end His will would be done. Nothing for me was ever so humbling.

The good news is after being poked a dozen times, going through countless CT scans..laughing and kidding around some of the time with them and then that crazy O scan..the full body scan the results came. They were all negative and my tumor was not very active. I have no doubt the grace of fervent daily prayer from my beautiful friends and family played a role. Right before I got the last bit of most important results on April 17th..I felt this palpable spontaneous peace. So yes if you are going to have cancer this is the best type to have and I am grateful.

I won't bore you with the details of all the due diligence I am doing now but I do know at some point I would like my experience to be a resource for others not only dealing with a cancer diagnosis but any major health problem.

My faith will get me through this, and although I can calculate what is likely to happen, even if I am right, I don't want to short change God and Love. So lets just say I will leave it in the hands of God to see how this chapter ends. But the good news is no matter what, it seems I will be one of the fortunate ones that has an end in sight to killing the cancer definitively. It may not be an easy solution but it will be swift, quick and permanent for this particular cancer if it agrees with God's will.

Ironically, there are a multitude of blessings already gleaned from this experience. Deeper self awareness, my love of life, my love of God, HIS love for me, my love of friends and family and their love for me, reconciliation, deeper compassion, the preciousness of life, greater courage to just stand up for what's right and quit weighing out what others will think and so much more. I have no doubt there are things I can't possibly recognize that are blessings.

So how can I leave you with some value here? Please please remember you are not alone...in your weakest moments God is there and the compassion and love people have hidden in the recesses of their heart comes out..God comes out. 

And what is the Ultimate Courage? To put the big C above the little c and every other letter in the alphabet.:-)  How? Well a start would be to acknowledge all of your self in the most trying of moments and never give up on God or Love. To reach up and out and pour yourself out. The biggest gift you have is the biggest gift for you. The biggest gift you have is the love God wants to pour out from you. Don't stop it when it comes because suffocating it is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

With God All Things are Possible

Today something astonishing happened. A friend called me to say that a priest who had preached and believed ideologies contrary to church truth and teaching had a change of heart after a 3 month retreat. This priest had apologized to a parishioner for preaching contrary to church teaching and was now convicted of the truth.

This was a priest whom I had challenged with love back in October of 2010 and then again in January and late February of this year. I did this after I heard his homily in late September of 2010.

The decision to talk with him and then challenge him came after I confirmed his belief was indeed against church teaching. In a sense it was understandable because he has a brother who struggles with his sexuality. What started out as initially only a little uncomfortable became increasingly so as I realized was going against the tide even in my faith community.

I noticed how others were upset at the time but were paralyzed by anger that yielded to fear. I also noticed that others had just left that particular parish and deemed it hopeless to do anything against the heretical subculture. The odds were small for change everyone said. It's hopeless. That from some members in a faith community!

Yet too I noticed how others had decided to pray for the situation. Some spoke up with kindness and some in anger. As I acted in other ways in the months that followed, in ways the the Lord led me to, the needed space then happened. I was led to Florida. In that space, the seeds for change had been planted and were growing unbeknown to me. Prayers were sown and a heart was opened. I am still amazed at God's grace and love!

This news came at the heals of one of my most challenging periods. My surrender to God was constantly being challenged by my need to be in control. All my daily routines and practices were disjointed as I toiled to get ready for an exciting and yet scary move. My formal focus on God was even challenged, and I had days where I had to muscle out the prayers. Acting has always come easier for me than praying, and that sweet balance only comes through surrender.

This little miracle of a courageous priest who sought out God and embraced change was exactly what I needed to hear. This Friday I get ready to embark on the most potentially fulfilling and challenging call yet for me to surrender, ironically in "acting." Knowing that without God this would have been impossible for me. Fear had paralyzed this call many times before but, perhaps it was not the right time. And now I jump into His arms knowing that with God all things are possible.

Embracing Holy Wood

This weekend had me reflecting on two events, one personal and one global. The personal was my visit to Holy Wood acting studios. http://www.holywoodactingstudio.com/site/
I came to LA to begin my discerning process to see if I was being called to join this endeavor and expand my skills in the performing arts. The global was the highly advertised message by Harold Camping and others that world was ending.

Ironically, the messages I heard on both were the opposite of what I had expected. In the personal, the first steps in discerning brought catastrophic fear the likes of which I have rarely experienced. In the global, I heard a homily moments before the supposed end of the world that took this message and brought joy and hope about how to live in this passing world.

Hollywood can conjure up images of vanity, self indulgence, self aggrandizement, idol worship and I am sure worse. This is amazing given the fact that the origins of the name were in fact Holy. According to fellow blogger Pat McNamara,
http://irishcatholichumanist.blogspot.com/2011/02/original-hollywood-priest-father-daniel.html,
"Mass was first celebrated in this (Hollyoood now) parish May 3, 1769, by the founder of all the California Missions, Father Junipero Serra, and upon this date also was erected the Holy Wood of the Cross, hence the name of Holywood, or Hollywood, the name which was afterward given to the place by the wife of John L. Beveridge of this place."

I thought of what the significance of the cross and that it was and is Holy Wood. Jesus brought us redemption and invites us to partner with Him in this redemption. Jesus said,"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Matthew 16:24.The cross, the Holy Wood is meant for us as well.

My personal journey met with the global concept. Serrindipitously, a voice instructor from Holy Wood Acting Studios led me to St. Monica's in Santa Monica for the 5:30p.m. mass. The Gospel message 1 Pt 2:4-9 was about not letting our hearts be troubled and trusting in the Lord. It ends with an almost unbelievable promise "Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever believes in me will do the works that I do,and will do greater ones than these because I am going to the Father.” As I discerned the fear I initially experienced was the enemy trying to set limits on my faith and subsequently on me.

Then at 5:50p.m. last night, Monsignor Lloyd Torgerson met the global. He first made us laugh and then made us think about the value of living each day as your last. First came his humor." Well the world is going to end in about 10 minutes and I know I won't be taken up because I am a sinful pastor, and so I have prepared the homily in its entirety because I know this. Some of you may be leaving your pews but the rest of us left behind will continue with mass".

After the laughs, he shared how people were talking about the world ending at a ball game a few days prior. Our fascination with this could lead to the secret of life.
He shared how a mystic in Buddhism was asked his secret for a good life. The mystic said that he lived each day as if it were his last. He lived as if a venomous snake was ready to strike now. When you are in this situation you are not thinking about how much money you have or what people think about you or even your past sins, you are focused on right now. And while this venomous snake is ready to strike at any moment, the mystic notices ripe berries and he picks them and eats them. After all, why would you deprive yourself of this joy.

The pastor then shared about the lessons that Marty Martinson, an elderly Wal-mart greeter in Brookings, SD, gave. Give a little more of yourself. The only person who can make you happy is you. Be a better you. He referenced a book written about this man. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2598098-the-richest-man-in-town

The pastor went on with our concept of God. We worry and fret and live as if our God was a very small God. We bargain because we think God bargains. We say to our neighbor well I forgive you but I won't forget and we think God is the same way. He concluded by saying that our God is much bigger than this. His love is much bigger than this, and if we embrace and lean on our very large God then we live our lives very differently. That we must feel His love and not just think it. For when we feel His love then it becomes real.

His homily made me reflect on the personal. Our penchant for trying to control our destinies by trying to predict our future. And on the global with our penchant for trying to control God and His plan by predicting a specific time for when the world will end.

Sure, on the personal, we can have goals and dreams and can make them come true but the journey is out of our hands and there are surprises along the way we can't possibly anticipate. More than that though is that sometimes our goals are not what God has in mind for us and we fail to live up to our best potential and our fullest joy if our will does not mesh with His. If we follow Jesus and do his works then we can do greater things than He! Wow!

It has made me think how often most of us limit ourselves in one way or another because we have limits on God. Our limitless all powerful and ever living God we place limits on and when we are then blind to his aid. We also limit our potential and joy in life. We are afraid in our vocations and in our relationships and with our lives. We live half present for fear of what can happen. We give our hearts and time half heartedly often due to worry and preoccupation. Anytime, we do this we limit God and limit our joy.

As we discern our divine destiny one day at a time, some doors will close so that others can open. Let us not be afraid to walk thru a door, even though it seems we are not quite equipped to walk thru. We can't see where the road is meant to lead. Let us have courage to listen to our deepest desires, to walk with courage thru the doors and meet the obstacles we meet outside and inside of ourselves. Let us live each day as if it were our last with courage, kindness, mercy and love. And one day it will be our last, and it is my hope that all the way we were embracing our Holy Wood toward God's glory.