Allow...

 

Happy 2021..a new and brief post with acronyms.

ACT  Allow Change to Happen

ALT  Allow Love to Happen

                                                                                    AMT  Allow Miracles to Happen

                                                                                    APT  Allow Prayer to Happen

Advent is Truly a Miraculous Adventure

As 2020 draws to a close, we reflect on a year that was for most of us mixed with unexpected blessings and unexpected sorrows. Perhaps both are necessary to prepare us both for our eternal home and a deeper joy in this life.

This Advent is unique for me..I journeyed with the Magnificat Companion. And actually I had not intended on it. I originally ordered it for a friend and that manufacturer said it could be past Nov. 29 before it was delivered.  So I tried to cancel the order and in the meantime picked up a copy at a local religious bookstore and mailed it to my friend. Ironically, the other copy came as well and I asked him to drop off the extra copy in my box. I received it just in time to start on Nov. 29.

And what an adventure it has been...from unexpected meetings to unexpected phone calls. And in the process, layer's being removed and fears discovered. For me..the most surprising thing is how much of an undercurrent fear plays in my action and inaction. Certainly love has also motivated me but I just did not realize that fear was so strong. I guess the quiet allows each of us to reflect...if we take the opportunity to do so.

I will start with the beginning and then my own personal discoveries.  Oftentimes, what appears as one thing is often another thing nuanced. For example the story about Adam and Eve.  Aside from the serpent's deception and guile, I would like to look at Adam and Eves response.  Certainly disobedience was there but it was also FOMO perhaps. Fear of missing out. If this fruit opened eyes and provided wisdom and one could be like God knowing both good and evil...then if they don't eat it they will stay ignorant. Certainly they knew God and what he had said and enjoyed but what if there was something more? They would have consulted God with this dilemma first. They had no reason to doubt his goodness..yet FOMO won the day.

Then their eyes were opened and when they heard the Lord they hid out of fear. Then they feared taking responsibility and feared God and started to cast blame around. Fear prompts a whole host of behaviors and thoughts that are sinful..but the genesis may always be fear. Certainly fear is good in some instances as an alert..but if our response generally speaking is love then we are never filled with angst or fear. No matter what the consequences are.

So now to the personal. I would venture to say that most people on a superficial level think I am a fairly courageous woman. And to some degree I do believe I have been blessed with this gift thru temperament and circumstance. 

However, what appears as courage sometimes...not all the time of course..is under laden with fear. When I am doing something that I believe is Gods will then it is much easier to be courageous. But when the motivation turns to my own needs as the primary focus...well for sure that can be fear.

I tend to be fairly proactive with friends but sometimes it is to be in control of how much company I have. I fear the silence sometimes. I fear finding out what happens if I don't do this. Thankfully, Covid has afforded the luxury of more submissiveness and humility. Probably traits that need a bit more attention in my temperament. 

I also tend to use my reasoning and detachment as means of protecting myself. I fear rejection and I fear being taken advantage of..I fear caring deeply and hurting deeply. But alas..this where this Advent is a huge blessing. The adventure has led me outside my comfort zone of control and fear..trusting God and letting him lead but doing so with trepidation at times. But there are many moments and in particular now...that I feel this sense of hope and joy that makes it easier to be open to God and his love and then in turn be loving in my actions.

Reading the Magnificat Companion, the book given out by my Parish named the Hidden Power of Kindness and praying and also praying the rosary  have been a huge blessing for me. Having faith and letting time and Grace happen is also a huge blessing.  The reward is that this adventure has led me to a deeper peace, a deeper joy and a deeper love.

And that is more than I have dared hope for in Advents past.  Christmas is coming....are you ready? Are you ready for transformative miracles? No matter what the outcome of the days are whether joyful, sorrowful or a mixture of both..we always have the choice to say no to fear and yes to love. May the serenity that surpasses our understanding bless you during these last few days of Advent and give you the deepest joy in opening your heart to remembering the miracle of God becoming human...in the form of baby Jesus. 

Advent is a truly a miraculous adventure.

A Story of Love

I just came back from a vacation to Cabo, Mexico. I went with an old friend and had  a lot of good and typical partying times. The sun, the activities, the runs on the beach, too many spirited drinks, the spontaneous connections..had me live in the moment more often than not.

It took me out of the health drama that had me swept up in April and May. With God's grace, my final answer came before my trip. All the doctors I consulted with knowledge of my rare cancer said the same. There is an excellent chance it is isolated, It is extremely slow growing and surgery is the preventative and curative course of action. I will weigh a little less come mid July..minus the smallest lobe in our lungs..the right middle lobe.:-)

So I have peace. I am embracing prayers with friends and have been blessed to have prayers that have accompanied me through this journey from a core group of friends and family members.

The little miracle that happens is that I see God and love in new ways almost without looking for it.:-)

As I returned from my trip, I thought well I am not particularly inspired to write a May blog and here we are June 1 and I am inspired.

I saw on a bumper sticker the dates of a beloved's birthday and passing and it occurred to me that this life is a Story of Love. We can't escape it.

Some of us love science and knowledge and the dream to do and know more. Some of us love a child, a spouse, a long love or a friend. Some of us love a pet or life or Jesus or God. 

But that love drives us…as if by some invisible hand we are moved beyond ourselves, discovering ourselves, growing and yet staying the same, and ultimately accepting the many things we can not control and yet we love anyway.

If you stay still and silent and open your heart, it is almost as if we don't have a choice…we cherish, we protect, we pursue we love whom we love and what we love. 

And God's will for that love will be made manifest in what we give up on and what we don't.

What ultimately opened my eyes again was the drama of life and health in a friend's family. My eyes were more deeply opened in remembering the story of what Jesus did out of love…how His sacrifice was the ultimate story of love. It's transformative, salvific and healing.

This June month as we celebrate Corpus Christi and meditate on the Eucharist..let that Holy Presence remind us and smile. It is written in your heart and mine and put their by God…because life is truly a Story of Love.

Choose the Gospel because it brings Joy always

Do you know you cannot serve two masters? Money or Love. Fear or Love. If you serve God and Love...the rest falls into place.

A theme that has come up often lately is preaching and acting one way at mass and religious activities and then acting different in different settings outside in the world. We can even preach to ourselves but if we don't truly believe it or embrace it with our hearts, this dichotomy will happen.

I think as humans we lie to ourselves too much. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and put false limits on our abilities and capacity to love. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and say the behavior of loving neighbor as self or loving our enemy brings joy but our practical lives more often say the opposite. Sometimes we are open about our gratitude and praise of God in religious circles, on facebook but not on the job or when we are around people we do not think share our faith.

I am guilty of this in spades. But the beauty is that if it is true, (hint: it is), then you can change and test the concept out. Test it out when it is least likely to work or in a new situation or as a new reaction. Keep it up for an hour, then for a day and then a week and see what happens. If your new behavior rewards you by feeling peace, love and perhaps a better relationship then your belief will change..ever so slowly but surely.

That deep belief that just knows. Like the belief you have that the sun will rise again the next day. Do you ever have doubt the sun will rise? I think deep belief that has been rewarded is real belief but it has to happen as consistently as the sun rising every day.

It does not always mean you will be rewarded with expected or external outcomes 100% of the time. But I have a feeling the internal peace will always be there. Because the reward is predicated on what works internally for internal motivations, the external will be there and it comes and goes but your behavior will bring you peace. 

It is also such a nice way to treat ourselves. Not believing we are our mistakes. Making reparations and repenting when we deceive ourselves and/or others by preaching one action and doing another, making a promise based on a feeling and failing to live it up to it, breaking our commitments and promises and the list goes on.

We have to be honest and then we have to choose to love by how that looks for the moment.

I had a conversation recently with someone on how some people who claim to have no faith oftentimes are humbler, kinder and better at living the faith then we who are religious. We both said simultaneously...how embarrassing.

Too dating has taught me this. It does not matter if someone goes to church weekly, daily, says the rosary every night or goes to adoration every day. This in and of itself does not make you a truly loving person, a person who knows their heart and can speak truth from it and live up to it. A person who sees the dignity of another and has the courage to do the right thing. It has not been true of me nor the gentlemen I have dated.

So what I am not advocating is giving up religious practice but to bring that practice into your life fully. When you think no-one is seeing you or when you are faced with a less than a holy action from a random stranger or someone close to you. If you don't have the strength, say a prayer.

Once we are honest about our own hypocrisy we can then turn to God and  He can help us make the changes that are sometimes small ones and sometimes big ones. Take your words seriously, take your actions seriously, and take your thoughts seriously. Put them all on God. 

God's grace can cover a lot and Jesus has indeed redeemed us but if we really believe in the heavenly banquet then all the more reason to share it and let the love flow. It is the most beautiful gift you can give to God. Receiving his love and forgiveness and loving Him and then mirroring that love and forgiveness to others and by consequence to yourself and getting it back. Even if all you can do is pray for someone because you are afraid to love more, because there is a riff, because someone is your enemy..its a start and God will give you strength for more. And the biggest challenge is loving when you suffer or see others suffer, turning more toward God more toward love...there will still be joy when the tears clear.

Have faith the future is bright here and our eternal destiny is in an even more beautiful and loving place with the Almighty who is Love and designed us for this. Choose the good news, the Gospel because it brings Joy always.

Praying is an Act of Love

Ahh..another intense and real blog. I thought I would lighten it up with a cute pic. Those that know me know my love for cats.

My faith is very strong but I am not immune to self-doubt. Sometimes I do things that I know will not bring me happiness long term in order to escape pain. Then I attach a divine hope to it and then when it falls apart I blame myself and God for false hope. Crazy yes.

The particular event I am about to share although not pretty is real. After some frustration with missed plans, some champagne, frustration in a relationship and also after a couple of false starts to relationships, and of course the final stages of grieving a failed engagement,  I lost it. I basically had a temper tantrum with God. It was not pretty and I was powerless to control it. 

It had been coming and it finally blew full board. All my positive spins failed as reality stared me in the face. Hope is in the future but hope is also in the present and when it falls apart repeatedly, it can damage your confidence in your self-perception, your judgements and finally your self-worth.

Shocking...that this could happen to me. Shocking that that anger toward God and self could come full board. Just the thoughts and words and what I did with my anger was not only scary but draining. I was trying to control my frustration and how I dealt with it...ie be passive and it sent me careening out of control.

Yes prayer is taking action, but sometimes when it involves a relationship that is causing frustration, we have to assess what we want, what we need and just ask. Its not a demand, it should ideally not be expressed in the throes of anger, although anger signals something is wrong..a need is going unmet repeatedly but it does need to be said. It triggers a sweet melody of a song I have enjoyed in the past...say what you need to say.

After anger becomes apparent, I need to assess, if passive and prayer has not worked for me then I have to take the next step and address my needs in the most positive way I can. Will they meet my needs? Maybe, maybe not but at least that cycle will end.

Furthermore, what shocked me the most about this tantrum with God and trying to control my disappointment was what happened the next day. Underneath all of that was very real hurt and fear. I was deeply hurt and I was afraid of being hurt again..very afraid of being vulnerable and expressing my needs with someone new. But I was taking that step...and the hurt and fear surfaced.

The next thing that happened was even more shocking. I flippantly disregarded my tantrum and what that meant of what I thought of ME until mass came. As I typically do, after communion, I began to pray for friends and I picture them in my mind as I pray. By the time I was at my second friend, I started  sobbing...being at mass with a bunch of people I don't know, I  tried to channel it without causing too much commotion.

Why was I sobbing? Because I suddenly realized the good I have done. That God's grace thru me has touched so many people on deep levels and how on earth could I think my life did not matter? How much pain that would cause and the deep self- reflective despair.

How could I think and feel that way toward myself? Hurting me was in essence hurting all those I loved. And this was pointed out in a huge way just by going to pray.

And I realized that praying is talking, thanking and asking God to help those in need. Some are dear friends and some are no longer in my life, some are in another world and some are still here working it out. And of course I pray for me. In that act of prayer, I am expressing confidence and love toward my maker and I am expressing love and confidence for the people I am praying for. 

I never knew that praying in humility and confidence was one of highest acts of love you can give. You remember what God has done for you and others. Specifically, how he has blessed me and others. I remember how I have touched and been touched by so many people and that in turn helped me recognize in just as a reflexive reaction as my temper tantrum...my own humbling self-worth.

Thank you God for being patient and merciful and loving. Thank you for teaching me the value and worth of each soul including my own. And thank you for teaching me to pray and deepening it for me...as I recognize now that Praying is an Act of Love.

Peace be with You

It has been a long while. My life this year has been a whirlwind. It began with hopes of major changes in both my personal and professional life and they came quickly. The first was with my personal life. It is normal to get caught up in romance and put all your hopes onto a relationship. Some are valid based on the interactions, but a lot is projected. This was my particular experience.

Major decisions were embarked upon quickly and the stages of dating went from fast to very fast in the course of 3 months. My day job had unique challenges as well and the weight of the crazy work environment finally took its toll on my health and my emotional well being. My relationship was a significant support during this challenging time.

Then some long anticipated changes began being possible, with-in reach and set in motion. I moved to So.Cal in Mid- May and the shock waves of rushing a relationship during the next month and a half were settling into my bones. After some quakes, a rupture finally happened. Emotional fall-out is normal, and the breathing room necessary to discern was finally created.

It's odd that what often seems like a set back whether it's losing a job, losing a relationship or losing anything you thought you had--can turn out to be the biggest blessing possible. The pain of loss is real but the space created makes you re-evaluate the situation..see why and how things happened to create the loss and then act on any remedy that seems possible and prudent.

For me loss also creates the space to truly invite God in more deeply, to pour myself into him and feel the peace that comes. All we have is today and in the sweet surrender to God...we find our guilt, our blessings and our needs. And HE gives us his mercy, his assurance that we deserve not only the blessings we have but even more, for HE is a generous God. And, he fills the void of our needs by opening the many doors spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I can never say how or when HE communicates with each unique individual but Love/God is always the same. May we have the courage to reach for HIM during our little and big changes and in the changes we plan and the ones we don't. Life is truly a gift, and one of the sweetest fruits of heart-felt prayer is peace. Peace be with you.

The Power of Silence

This world can pull us from all sides. We worry about the future, we have people engage us in battle, injustice seems all too prevalent, or we dream and are focused and act on achieving our dream. It can be an intellectual dream to attain further education, a goal in a career or something personal like getting married or starting a family. The noise in our minds can be overpowering. And sometimes getting busy, communicating aimlessly or getting distracted in some way seems like the thing we need to do to silence our minds so we can get away from the anguish of living in the future or ruminating about past mistakes.

Paradoxically the opposite is true. If we sit and are silent, slowly the voices stop. Slowly we let God work and let God in. This is not a luxury; it is necessary. And so in this vein I will end with the noise with a true personal story of when silence saved me.

Long ago when I was in college, the Internet, cell phones, iPhones, Facebook and all the wonders of technology were either in their infancy or not a current inspiration in our world. In those days, I had incredible moments of total faith and dependence on God. This one moment was one of those magical times I will always remember.

I was attending U of I in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois. I could not have been more than 20 or 21 and I was driving back after a weekend trip to Chicago. I was driving an older Honda Civic when suddenly my vehicle locked up and died. I managed to pull off the road away from oncoming traffic. It was about 6pm and it was getting dark. I was on the south side of Chicago in not such a safe part of town. There wasn't any technology to aid me. It is a grace filled moment when you are alone and perceive helplessness and impending danger.

After my brain flooded me with all the catastrophes that could happen, I paused and thought to myself, “Pray.” I made the choice and had to get to a quiet and silent place. My mind quieted and I prayed that someone would come help me. After finishing the prayer, I was at peace sitting in the car.

The noise of my logical mind came back at me," Well you can't just sit here. You have to get out and try to flag someone down." Almost as soon as I got out of the car, I noticed that two gentlemen had already stopped. The first was in front of me in a station wagon. He was a middle-aged professional-looking white man about 35. I will call him Ed, since I can't remember his name.

At first I was relieved but then the noise filled my head:"Oh he could be a pervert. They come in all shapes and sizes you know." Then I turned and noticed someone behind me. He was another middle-aged African-American man in a beat-up pick up truck. That fear was greater, and so I thanked him for stopping and said the gentleman in front was first.

I decided to let the noise go and was friendly and greeted Ed. He asked what had happened and I explained. After looking under the hood he asked if I would like a ride to the gas station and see about my car. I said sure. As I got in the passenger’s side of his station wagon, I began to be talkative and friendly as if he was a long lost family friend. After a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "You are awfully calm." "When I stopped I did not know that you were a young woman and I thought you might be scared." I said as a matter of fact, "Oh, well I knew it was going to be OK, because I prayed." Ed's face went white as a sheet. He then told me his story.

He was in a rush trying to get to a dinner party and was running late. He saw a stranded vehicle and a person out of his peripheral vision and thought, “No, I don't have time to stop unfortunately.” As he passed my car, he felt a knife stab in the heart and a voice say turn back.

He said he was a born again Christian, and it is not often he gets these types of signs but when he does he listens. We bonded immediately. After taking me to the gas station, he took me to meet his wife and children. After socializing for a bit, I asked him to drop me off at the greyhound bus so that I could get back to school. We hugged and knew we would never see each other again, but we were both moved for having gone through a grace filled moment.

In our interior and exterior battles here on this earth, it is my prayer that you and I will take the time to silence the voices. That we take the time to be still and listen. God awaits us in the power of silence.

The Magic of God's Grace

I LOVE when God surprises me. Yesterday was a magical day. It would not have seemed the thing to expect given a tumultuous Friday and partying too hard that night in part due to my emotions being so raw.

Saturday morning I woke up tired after 5 hours of sleep. I became aware of Friday and the week in general, but then something magical happened. I started with a brief prayer, and then I went about with actions. I cleaned and organized my room then cleaned the bathroom. I was getting ready for my special guest for the day.

As usual I had a joyful peace as I walked to classes, and I greeted and smiled with the people who crossed my path. I took that with me into my classes and the new day brought a new reality. Friday was Friday and today was today. The classes were sweet and magical.

Then there was an atypical delay in starting our workout in fitness class. I had a little angst as I had to pick up my guest at the airport by 1200pm. Even though he had given me permission to be late, I did not want him to be waiting so long. After the work out, I dashed out. Grace multiplied as his flight was a bit delayed, and I finished working out minutes after he had arrived.

We spent a magical day together. We enjoyed just being and the beauty of God's world. We appreciated the magic of touch and affection. We freely shared thoughts and allowed a free connection to happen.

We then went to Redondo beach to experience a glimpse of the vast life in the ocean by going on the looking glass boat tour. The fish had glorious colors. A narrow silver one with a lightning blue streak, a fat orange one called Garibaldi, a fat opaque grey one with a white dot on it's back and glowing olive on it its fins. Their eyes also had a beautiful shade of blue. There were dozens of some and hundreds of others.

It made me think of how each fish was a unique representation of life. From a distance each species looked the same. However, if you looked closely enough at each one, each one was unique. Lastly there was a dazzling gold choral of plant life that amazed me.

It reminded me that life is vast and God's handiwork is always expanding. I couldn't even experience all that vastness even if I chose to spend all my waking moments just exploring. It made living forever seem just about the right amount of time it would take:-).

We then ate at a restauarant and enjoyed the oceanviews. We ended by settling in for a bit at Manhattan beach. What a quaint yet perfectly organized and zealously guarded town. Aside from the beach parking lot patrol men ready to inform you of the rules of the lot, there were a myriad of volleyball nets on the beach, cute little shops and restaurants and a variety of architecture. We fell inlove with some colonial Spanish styled condos and daydreamed of what it would be like to live there.

There were many surprising moments yesterday. The most surprising was my guest's decision to purchase a rosary after seeing one hanging on my rear view mirror. There are subtle and not so subtle ways we influence each other. It can be so beautiful.

There is beauty in just being, in the freedom to dream and the freedom to love. This is the grace of living, and the rest can be washed away. If these moments are influenced or caused by collective prayer, I am eternally grateful for the pure injection of God's grace.

Thank you God for letting the rest be washed away and keep me in that embrace. And the next time, if there is a next time that the enemy injects poison into my inner world, please remind me that I can uniquely combat it with a prayer then truth and love. I can then leave it behind, and experience the magic of God's grace.

The Real Power of Prayer

It is often said that communication is key in relationships. I find often that actions speak much louder than words. Whenever I am ambivalent and/or see ambivalence between action and word, it is often the action that will ultimately decide where your heart really is. And there is little point fighting it, for in the end you are either in something or you are not.

Our relationship with God is much the same. We can talk about praying, we can pay lip service to God but unless our action and our body matches our words our heart is not really in it. I have found little and big answers have come in my life when I get down on my knees, pour my heart out to God and in humility ask for guidance or help.

I am digging back to the beginning of my prayer life in sharing one experience with you. I do this in the hope this example of prayer experience will help you as well as re-energize me into what is possible. As we get older, more confident and self sufficient, it is easy to not only lose sight of praying, our communication with God, but also to change our relationship with God. It is certain our relationship with God matures and changes as we go thru life, but I feel that we feel closest to God when we are vulnerable and depend on Him. It mirrors the times we feel closest to one another.

My new found faith started at age 20 and led to my first divine connection in what I refer to as my wallet story. I was a sophomore in college and had just come back from having lunch with a friend at Garcia's Pizza in Champaign, Il. Sometime afterward, I noticed that I could not find my wallet.

So I did the logical thing. First, I looked all over the house. When that yielded nothing, I then retraced my steps as to when and where it was that I had last seen my wallet. It was at Garcia's. I called the restaurant and they had nothing, I then called my friend to see if I had left it in her car and again no luck. Logically, the only other place it could have fallen was in between my friend's car and my home.

I looked outside in the snow and realized I had reached a dead end. Losing the money inside was the least of my concerns. I was worried about my licence, credit cards etc And although I could easily cancel everything and get a new driver's licence, I thought what a pain.

As embarassing as it was to pray for something so small, I decided to do so anyway. While on my knees and next to my bed, I started my prayer my communication. Dear Heavenly Father, I know there are much bigger problems in the world than my lost wallet, and I will understand if this is too trivial for you to address but I have done everything in my power and I can't find it. If you can help me, I would really appreciate it but its ok if you don't because I know this is such a trivial matter. I ask this humbly in Jesus name. My words were the least of my communication as I recall.

My heart, my feelings, my intellect, will and my faith were 100% there. My body langauge was speaking as well. I remember my face and upper body contorting as I as embarassed to ask. And as I prayed, I knew He heard me and that He was there. I felt HIM. As soon as I finished the prayer, I paused and felt warmth and peace envelope me.

A thought then spontaneously came to my mind "Gosh it would be so nice if someone would find my wallet." Minutes later the phone rang and the voice on the other line said "Are you Angela.."and I interjected and said "Yes and you found my wallet right?" "Yes" she said a little perplexed.

I proceeded to ask her where she found it? She said in the snow outside Green St, which is where I lived and where I searched for it. We arranged to meet, and I thanked her. My wallet was intact.

Looking back, the intimacy with God was the best reward of the whole experience. I was humble, vulnerable, and yielding to His will and He was gracious enough to help me by communicating the answer that was shortly to come. It is my hope that we all learn to lean on God, even when our approach isn't quite right or the answer doesn't turn out the way we'd like. For it is in the sweet intimacy with God, our heavenly Father, that we find the real power of prayer. Happy Father's Day!