A Pivotal Moment

Its January 31, 2015. We move to a new year soon and it is natural to reflect.

Our experiences are part in parcel a reflection of who we are at the moment. What works and what does not. We can tweak and re-choose and keep learning about ourselves and how we fit into this temporary mosaic.

2015 was momentous for me. I let go of pursuing acting in LA full time to part time by moving back to the bay. That was driven by many reasons..none the least of which was my health. When I moved back I launched an Airbnb business and was busy setting that up and refurnishing my home. 

I then followed up with the next steps to assess what was going on with my health and found out I had a very rare and super slow growth tumor in my lung. The cure was surgery and removing the middle lobe of my lung. I did not want that to be the answer...so I went on a rampage researching...getting all kinds of tests. Looking at natural cures etc. Eliciting prayers from close friends, acquaintances, people of all faiths...no holds bar.:-) Fear in over drive.

In the end I opted for the surgery. I had a fun bday and an amazing trip to Cabo prior and then chaos ensued. Long story short my life would never be the same again..my perception of reality changed and growth happened.

Despite all this the Surgery and recovery was a success.

We all know growth is a euphemism for an extremely painful experience, but you either grow or you get stuck in bitterness. 

The rest of my year was me getting past the bitterness and embracing the deepened friendships, a deeper and less rigid faith, and embracing a new dating experience where I had to learn to communicate in a healthy way and where I learned boundaries and compromise.

So I smile now..knowing that no matter what curves come my way or what is taken from me to the next world...no matter how crazy our world gets..I will be more than ok..and we will be more than ok. Rejoice life is a gift and cherishing it..thru all the ups and downs..is downright worth it.

The walk (Part 1)

As promised I will now elaborate on my trip to Lourdes and why that was such a momentous occasion. In reality the thread started earlier, but in this particular trip and in this particular moment, I became aware that Mary was gently bringing me to God. This story will have a part 1 and part 2. This part will focus on some background and the next on more significant events that tie to present day.

Prior to my summer vacation in 2009, lots happened that was unusual and jolting but I had responded in typical pragmatic form in the end. I landed another teaching position with the same and different requisites.

I always travel to some fun and mischievous international destination most summers as a way to rejuvenate and regroup. The summer of 2009 was no exception. I had a friend living in Pamplona, Spain at the time. We had been conversing about when the best time to visit would be months earlier. The "running of the bulls" happened in early July and her vacation coincided with Pamplona's claim to fame. These "runs" lasted about 10 days with all night parties. It sounded like great fun! As I planned for my trip and coordinated the dates with professional obligations I had at home, I noticed Pamplona was close to France and then saw it was so close to Lourdes, France.

At this juncture, I should briefly explain why I recognized Lourdes. I had been raised a Catholic but rather surrendered the formal faith somewhere around the age of 15 for many reasons. One particular reason was that I felt the moral standards were too lax. The revolving door of sinning and confession for the same sins grated against my condescending disposition at the time.

On the other hand the Mormons seemed to walk the talk more. Of course, my focus was narrow again namely on the parameters of drugs and sex. In 1990 or thereabouts I had left Mormonism and after some study of the New Testament in the Bible, decided to investigate the Catholic Church with much reluctance. Reluctance because I had left this faith. It was in a little church called St. John Vianney that I decided to start my inquiry. It was here I was introduced to a movie called the "Story of Bernadette" which was a story of a girl who had supposedly seen the virgin Mary in Lourdes, France. It made a big impression at the time.

However, many years had passed, and in 2002 I had since gone to a disillusioning trip to Medjugorje, (another supposed Virgin Mary apparition happening since 1981). Marian apparitions lost significance for me after that. Nevertheless, since Lourdes was so close to Pamplona, curiosity and some time to kill led to me to take two days of my trip there.

After witnessing the crazy tradition in Pamplona as well as attending my first bullfight, I was spent on the human and animal carnage. I did however have some great times hanging with my friend, meeting new people, doing mischievous yet harmless things and eating good food. I then drove to Lourdes and stayed at what I refer to as a nunnery. Nothing unusual here as I had stayed at a monastary in Mallorca the last time I was in Spain. They were both safe and affordable havens.

I quickly set out to do everything I could do while there typical Angela tourism style. But almost immediately I felt something very different. I felt a peace and almost other worldliness while there. The deeper details and more interesting part of this blog will follow in part 2. What follows is the superficial chronology of what I did while there.

As I mentioned earlier I tried to do everything of interest while there. I went to see movies on Bernadette's life, did the tour of the house she grew up in, visited the grotto where Mary appeared and filled some jugs with holy water there. I went to the museum of authenticated miraculous cures. I lit a candle and said a prayer for a friend who requested to find a job. I went to Mass and the adoration of the cross. Lastly, or so I thought, I went to the bookstore to get some mementos, gifts for friends and books. It was night and raining again, and I was due to leave the next morning and so I thought, oh well, confession will have to be skipped. (To be continued)

BTW If you are curious about Lourdes, here are a couple of links that gives a good overview.
http://gofrance.about.com/od/othercities/a/lourdes.htm

http://witcombe.sbc.edu/sacredplaces/lourdes.html, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernadette_Soubirou

My Earliest Memory

A more timely blog this week:-) Thanks to those who have commented. I welcome feedback as I am still a beginning blogger. I joined the red room, a writer’s forum, about 6 months ago. They sent me an email with this topic as a blog suggestion. So here goes!

One of my very first memories goes back to when I was about 1 to 1 and a half years old. I have a few memories around this age but I will focus on only one. As a caveat, I will relay my thoughts in the language I think I must have used. In all honesty, I just remember the feelings and the general thoughts. The memory is brief and I can’t remember many details around me. I was very much in my own little world and just remember disruptions to this reality. No wise cracks in silence or otherwise! And of course a philosophical commentary ends the muse.

I know that I was with my mom and that she was grooming me for something. There were people around as I heard voices in the background. I felt like my head was in a fog and I hated that sensation. My mom as I remember was a strong but gentle woman with a soothing voice. She was combing my hair and was putting a small portion of it in a pig tail on top of my head. I felt extreme pain as she pulled my hair, and my head bobbed to and fro. I grimaced from the pain all the while feeling this foggy head. The next thing I knew she was picking me up. As this happened, I thought to myself I hate that people can pick me up when they want and I can’t stop it. Then I remember more cranky thoughts simultaneously. I hate that my head is in a fog, and I can’t shake it. I hate that I can’t really control my arms very well (they flayed around a bit). I don’t know where to put my hand so I think I’ll just rest it on my mom’s shoulder. Should my hand be open or closed? I think closed. Good at least I can prop myself up. Good grief I hope this is over soon.

Well it is and isn’t over:-) My head is rarely in a fog these days and I can control my arms very well. People do not pick me up at will and I have control over that pretty much. Now, however, I realize I don’t have control over other things. I can’t will a relationship to be...even when the other person is willing it too! Although I can influence people around me to a certain degree, I can’t really control the actions of those around me. Jobs, companies and industries change and morph with time. People leave in various forms thru relocation, change in values or needs, relationship status and ultimately death. And even my own gift of life which I can influence with the things I do, say, the values I embrace and the things I eat...can never guarantee me a long life. My exit is just as much of a mystery as my entrance.

So I’m hoping what I am learning is that although I will always find things I don’t have control over....the one thing I do have control over is the same thing I had control over at 1 and a half. My state of mind. I can chose to love every minute of my existence and choose to see and feel God in every stroke of life. I can choose to see how each moment brings me closer to God, to love and to others. And I can choose to love the beauty of ambiguity and not having control. Afterall, by design, it seems this is the way it should be. We are all connected. Ironically, although I find I have less control than I think..God gives the grand promise that with HIM all things are possible.