In God We Trust

Another milestone in our Christian and American Calendar. Pentecost Sunday is the beginning of the Holy Spirit coming into our world and being with each one of us. Memorial day is a day where we remember those who sacrificed their lives for us and an ideal they trusted.

Trust is perhaps the one element in all relationships that is tested. I have to start with my hero and Lord Jesus Christ. He trusted his sinful and weak disciples, He trusted those in the throes of sins grasp, and he trusted his Heavenly Father's plan even when it seemed just too much to bear.

It makes me realize that trust is in essence is an act of vulnerability and love. I am not so good at being vulnerable. My fiery temperament and self sufficiency always seem to often get in the way. But in this new season of my life, I have taken a huge leap of trust in my relationship with God. At times it seemed like the only choice to make as doors closed in ways that seemed to signal--STOP. And so I did.

I took a pause and let God lead and boy did He lead me into a path that my rational brain would have never anticipated. It is true I was being prepared to take this last leap of faith, nevertheless it also has to be act an of will to finally follow. Yet, despite a myriad of answered prayers and the most unlikely of doors opening--I still had doubt.

Its almost as if there is comfort in me feeling that I must do in order to deserve. As I continued in my new career path, I realized I needed a source of at least part time income in order to weather the ebbs and flows of acting until such day that God wills it otherwise. I needed something flexible, and I began to worry as my time frame was shortening. This worry was the antithesis of trusting in divine providence, especially when you are focusing on divine providence! Matthew 6:8 "Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

I have seen this time and time again with even people who have no formal belief in God, but yet still have faith things will work out. With me it was no different. Despite my angst I surrendered to God. In the end, things worked out. It' s funny, after the fact, I wondered why I stressed myself so. Yet it's comforting to know that God loves me despite this lack of faith.

The worrying seems to be a wrestle between trying to be in control and trusting in God to provide. It true you have to seek and ask but the door will always open.
The sin of worry is that it can blind you from seeing what God is trying to give you.

If we can make that giant leap to trust God then we can take the next step in trusting one another. It should not be a wreck less or naive trust but a trust that allows for our humanity and brokenness. The Holy Spirit can both guide us in when and how to trust and can be there to catch us if the trust is broken. It may be God calls us to trust and love each other because it is in this act that we both honor Him taking care of us and help redeem one another. When we trust our neighbor despite their brokenness, we begin accepting and trusting ourselves.

My hope is that we learn to trust God day by day and moment to moment. For when we surrender to Him moment to moment then we can surrender and trust each other despite the almost inevitable disappointment. With the Holy Spirit, we can dare say in God we trust.

In the End its All About God

As the Christmas season lingers and the year closes, it is natural to reflect -- to reflect on the good times and the bad, on what we have done and what we have failed to do. We cherish what is special to us and renew our hope and our resolve to fill what we perceive we lack.

This Christmas season had me feel my void like never before. The normal tricks -- focusing on the giving and counting my blessings -- failed miserably. And God wanted it that way. He wanted to show me my wound -- He knew I was ready. It was incredibly painful. There were moments I thought I would not make it.

The signs of noncompassion I could handle; it was the signs of near compassion that hurt me the most. As an astute new friend pointed out: you know abandonment, and you know what to do with that. What you don't know is compassion and love, and that is what you cannot handle. I still tear up now knowing how true that is.

It is sad, I think, that some of us go through life expecting relationships to fail. We experience disappointment enough times that we end up compensating by lightening things up, by expecting disconnection, by giving someone an out and, ultimately, by not allowing ourselves to trust.

It's ironic, I guess, that in our quest to protect ourselves we cause ourselves even more pain. The isolation is real and very painful. That is what I had to come to terms with. But something more to the core made me realize that I was not, in fact, trusting God. I was not trusting Him to show me how my covering my needs was actually sabotaging their fulfillment.

How, in fact, that seeing my relationships as they are, while painful, was the very step I needed to take to open myself up to the people that could be there for me. And how being vulnerable is what would finally set me free. Because it is in vulnerability that we let God in intimately and have HIS will move us: beyond ourselves and into Love, beyond our intellectual choice and own will -- for to love is not a choice, it is a divine gift that God places in our vessel. Our choice is a mere illusion of Love if the author of Love, God, has not willed it. And that illusion will die if the author of Love does not eventually reside in our choice.

I know my vessel is sometimes full of things that ultimately are not good for me. This Christmas season, I was strong enough to allow Him to begin to shape me by opening and breaking me, all for my own good. For His Love needs lots of room, and I was always full at the inn with my own distractions, preoccupations, and obligations.
This breaking is unique for all of us. Some have it early, some have it late and, sadly, I suppose, some never have it at all in this life.

Even though we all, in the end, are seeking to love and to be loved, we don't always find the source of that Love. We look for love in all the wrong places, as one song puts it. But when we do look for Love in the right place, it does sometimes cost us with real pain as we tear down the illusions.

But then we are free to surrender to Love and to God. He can then open our hearts so we can Love one another the way we each individually need to be loved. For our needs are not all the same. On top of that, they change and morph. It takes all of you to really love another person. And most of us on our own strength never even come close to stretching that far. It's why we need God not only to give us the strength to love but to show us how to love. It takes us being vulnerable.

God's power (Love) can move mountains. We have all heard of the mother who lifts up a 2,000-pound car when her child is trapped underneath it. And perhaps some of you have seen the movie Lorenzo's Oil in which frantic parents come up with a serum to save their child from an unknown disease. Or perhaps you have seen Conviction, in which a woman sacrifices everything to save her brother. Yes Love/God is powerful, beautiful, and scary all at once. It requires all of us. And if we are into self-protection or weighing the costs then we will fail. But if we surrender to God then Love never fails.

I'll leave you with a substitution of Love where God is normally found and similarly substituting God for love. I pray to my Almighty Father that this will not offend Him, and I pray it won't offend any of you.

The Lord's prayer would go like this:

Our Lover, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Love's name. Love's kingdom come, Love's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In love give us our daily bread, and in love forgive us our trespasses, as in love we forgive those who trespass against us, and Love lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

God makes the world go 'round.

And the Beatles song... All you need is God.

As we end this year may we embrace our destiny and know that, in the end, it is all about God.

God's Beauty in the Feminine and Masculine

Here I am again at Half Moon Bay beach. This time I am with Teddie though:-). I brought her without a harness and am banking on our bond and the fact that cats are territorial that she will stay close as I type.

Today I had a repitition exercise with one of my classmates that shined a light on an aspect of myself I rarely give voice to. It is the feminine principle that so often gets discounted in our "male" valued society. Now don't get me wrong "male" values are good and necessary but so are the "female".But before I get too analytical about it all, I will relay things as they happened and let you take the lessons you will from them.

This past week I began acting classes again. In the first steps of what is called the Meisner technique you do what are called repitition exercises. Simply put you look at your partner and focus on their physical behavior. You let them affect you personally and respond instinctually..they repeat what you said and you keep doing this until something changes. When the feeling changes then one or the other changes the words expressed. You focus 100% on your partner, listen, let them in and respond truthfully. It sounds simple enough but because being vulnerable is not something we go around being 24/7 it is harder than it seems. It usually takes time to get there, and yet as actors we strive to get there as quickly as we can.

So today I did this repitition exercise with a classmate. At first we were both in our own modes and quirks. I was forward and intense and he was passive and reactive. I wanted him to take charge and I took charge to try to make this happen. Yet he remained in his mode and I in mine...it was a long funny dance.

And then something happened and he became masculine and took charge. It was so beautiful to see and almost immediately I teared and began to cry. And in this shift he saw in me the very sensitive, vulnerable and feminine side. And his observation of me made him say I was cute and femine when he saw this sensitivity and that he trusted me.

Ironically, his masculinity allowed me to be feminine and my feminity allowed him to be even more masculine. My classmate doesn't really know me but some words he conveyed during the repititon rang so true. After he saw me soften he said " You don't have to be tough. You don't have to be tough." I don't have to be tough. There is strength in softness, in vulnerability ,in tears, in receptivity. There is strength in the feminine.

Our culture already knows there is strength in the masculine and slowly we are learning there is strength in the feminine. The giving and the receiving of men and women has value and strength. It deserves respect and even awe. It is my prayer we all see God's beauty in the feminine and masculine.