The Baby King Sent to Love Boldly

Merry Christmas ! Today is the beginning of embracing the miracle that changed the world. And what better way than to let baby Jesus change us. After a rough week...yesterday was such a lovely new beginning.

As usual confession was the catalyst of reflection, honesty about not just the bad but the good and a focus on what to do next. The sacraments in the church are a gift...despite all the ugly, the short sightedness both in the church  leaders and with our own judgements...their is grace....their is baby Jesus.

The rest of the day was wonderful with many unexpected blessings as well as a sweeter Christmas Eve than I anticipated. One of the reflections during Advent was about John the Baptist leaping for joy and dancing when he noticed the Ark carrying God...Mary carrying Jesus.  The question was asked what makes you dance and leap for joy. I did not quite have an answer at the time. Last night....a very small and unexpected event happened that answered that for me.  My heart leapt for joy and I would have danced...but it would have been rude toward my lovely guest.

What a joy that is to leap for joy. For me sometimes..the thing, event or person that brings the most joy...also brings untold fear. Perhaps that is also divine..to long for God, for Christ being born..is one thing but to actually encounter..joy and fear...perhaps awe exponentially is fear...but how wonderful to never be too old for those beautiful emotions. What makes you leap for joy and dance? If you don't know..wait for it..it will come.:-)

So one resolve for sure this Christmas season that I will continue is to not let too much awe prevent me from acting..and I pray to continue to have the inspiration but when that next step seems too daunting ..its a joy to know that I can get down on my knees and pray..to the Baby King Sent to Love Boldly.

Esperanza/Hope

We are approaching the holiest of nights and what better topic to explore than Hope. Hope is what the Israelites had to have to escape bondage. Hope is what Andy Dufrain had in the classic movie "Shawshank Redemption" and hope is what we all have when what we aspire to attain alludes us our multiple attempts.

So it is my hope you find a phrase or word in this blog that inspires you again..where you regain hope.

So lets look at the definition first.

hope

hōp/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

   
   

   "he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information"

   synonyms:

   aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; More

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2. 2.

   archaic

   a feeling of trust.

I recently read a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries in Dating. And the phrase that stood out to me was when hope and long suffering are married for a good end and when hope is simply futile given your multiple attempts with no progress to face a wrong. 

To be sure repentance does not mean that every time you will succeed in your quest to change an incorrect behavior but it does mean recognizing a wrong and willing it with God and other people's help to truly change the behavior. How many of us truly do this?

Sometimes it is fear that makes us stop cold turkey as when someone quits smoking and never returns to it when they discover a growth in their lung. Sometime I think fear is more powerful than almost anything to change behavior quickly and permanently. I think moral failings could be more easily conquered if the end result scared you straight.

But back to hope...I think this is the quandary..when someone repeatedly denies a wrong or has a rational lie for justifying one...that is a rational lie in their own mind. I think it is healthy to give up hope after some time for both people's sake. For reality always proves a wrong is a wrong as it leads you to pain and the removal of joy. That's the beauty of truth...reality simply can never sustain and grow when a objective wrong is embraced.

Before we invoke the Alpha and the Omega..I will surmise a Spanish saying.

If you lose money you have lost nothing
If you lose love you have lost something
But if you lose hope you have lost everything

So my answer this Christmas eve is that the author of all became incarnate and HE self sacrificed and saved us.

And so as we await baby Jesus...know that if we leave things in Gods hands..HE can do what our minds may deem impossible to hope.

Praying is an Act of Love

Ahh..another intense and real blog. I thought I would lighten it up with a cute pic. Those that know me know my love for cats.

My faith is very strong but I am not immune to self-doubt. Sometimes I do things that I know will not bring me happiness long term in order to escape pain. Then I attach a divine hope to it and then when it falls apart I blame myself and God for false hope. Crazy yes.

The particular event I am about to share although not pretty is real. After some frustration with missed plans, some champagne, frustration in a relationship and also after a couple of false starts to relationships, and of course the final stages of grieving a failed engagement,  I lost it. I basically had a temper tantrum with God. It was not pretty and I was powerless to control it. 

It had been coming and it finally blew full board. All my positive spins failed as reality stared me in the face. Hope is in the future but hope is also in the present and when it falls apart repeatedly, it can damage your confidence in your self-perception, your judgements and finally your self-worth.

Shocking...that this could happen to me. Shocking that that anger toward God and self could come full board. Just the thoughts and words and what I did with my anger was not only scary but draining. I was trying to control my frustration and how I dealt with it...ie be passive and it sent me careening out of control.

Yes prayer is taking action, but sometimes when it involves a relationship that is causing frustration, we have to assess what we want, what we need and just ask. Its not a demand, it should ideally not be expressed in the throes of anger, although anger signals something is wrong..a need is going unmet repeatedly but it does need to be said. It triggers a sweet melody of a song I have enjoyed in the past...say what you need to say.

After anger becomes apparent, I need to assess, if passive and prayer has not worked for me then I have to take the next step and address my needs in the most positive way I can. Will they meet my needs? Maybe, maybe not but at least that cycle will end.

Furthermore, what shocked me the most about this tantrum with God and trying to control my disappointment was what happened the next day. Underneath all of that was very real hurt and fear. I was deeply hurt and I was afraid of being hurt again..very afraid of being vulnerable and expressing my needs with someone new. But I was taking that step...and the hurt and fear surfaced.

The next thing that happened was even more shocking. I flippantly disregarded my tantrum and what that meant of what I thought of ME until mass came. As I typically do, after communion, I began to pray for friends and I picture them in my mind as I pray. By the time I was at my second friend, I started  sobbing...being at mass with a bunch of people I don't know, I  tried to channel it without causing too much commotion.

Why was I sobbing? Because I suddenly realized the good I have done. That God's grace thru me has touched so many people on deep levels and how on earth could I think my life did not matter? How much pain that would cause and the deep self- reflective despair.

How could I think and feel that way toward myself? Hurting me was in essence hurting all those I loved. And this was pointed out in a huge way just by going to pray.

And I realized that praying is talking, thanking and asking God to help those in need. Some are dear friends and some are no longer in my life, some are in another world and some are still here working it out. And of course I pray for me. In that act of prayer, I am expressing confidence and love toward my maker and I am expressing love and confidence for the people I am praying for. 

I never knew that praying in humility and confidence was one of highest acts of love you can give. You remember what God has done for you and others. Specifically, how he has blessed me and others. I remember how I have touched and been touched by so many people and that in turn helped me recognize in just as a reflexive reaction as my temper tantrum...my own humbling self-worth.

Thank you God for being patient and merciful and loving. Thank you for teaching me the value and worth of each soul including my own. And thank you for teaching me to pray and deepening it for me...as I recognize now that Praying is an Act of Love.

Love burns thru everything

I am truly amazed at how often we get caught up in our own hurts. No question we are all fragile and sensitive beings and our memories are long, but often all that is required is to open up to the source of love God.

I will share a story with you that has made me wonder if we don't give a little too much credence to psycho babble that does not agree with the truth as revealed by God.

I have to start with The Lord's Prayer because it led me to a miraculous place of healing and love. Now by love I don't mean circumventing the truth or side stepping conflict..but what I do mean is achieving grace.. the grace to courageously and joyfully love.

So here goes the most powerful and graceful prayer that could ever be said and was taught to us by our master and our God incarnate Jesus Christ.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

And without knowing it in my pain, desperation and fear I uttered words that changed my day completely. All relationships that don't go as planned bring a certain amount of heartbreak...a dating relationship with emotional and personal involvement brings a more personal pain. And so as I woke up yesterday morning...having experienced a drama circle of two people shutting down the days and night prior and not feeling good about my role in yielding to temptation...the temptation to not trust to judge and to not love.

I turned to the crucifix above my bed. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross and said I love you and I trust you. Please forgive me and I will forgive. With that I had the courage to respond to my friend and communicate some pain, disappointment, some realities I saw and ended by forgiving and letting go of how I wanted the relationship to be. The last step now is to let go of how I would like the relationship to transition. Herein in love I am now free to be kind, to love and to step away. I am free to move on stronger and wiser even if not perfect...to be open to love again and find the mate God designed for me so that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And with this fulfills the deepest longings of my heart and assures that God and hence love burns thru everything.