The Abandonment Washes Away

Christmas is in essence such a time of joy. Yet accepting the season into our lives can sometimes be quite difficult. Personally, this season has been bittersweet every year that I can ever remember. When I was a youngster, I wished I had a larger family. When as a teenager I lost the little family I had, I longed for any family. And as an adult, I have mourned that deeper connection to a larger group no matter how I ended up spending Christmas.

Sometimes I spent it with the large family of my boyfriend at the time; those were probably the best Christmases I remember. Sometimes I spent it with my extended, and yet still small, family in Peru. Sometimes I spent it with a married friend's large family, sometimes with just one close friend and, not often (thank God), I have sometimes spent it alone.

My closest and wisest friends saw in my life a recurring theme: that I could not commit to and depend on someone. It wasn't a choice, really. There were always two forces at work: my love of my freedom which was with me ever since I can remember and, more to the core, the emotional loss of my mom at such a young and critical age that it left me wary of getting too attached to any one person or family. It's like abandonment was right around the corner, so I had to leave before I was left. I could never see it, but some of them could. It seems you can never see things clearly until you are ready.

It really boils down to trying to be in control -- trying to control the outcome and being prepared for all the possible options -- versus just letting things be. Now don't get me wrong: we all have choices and some amount of control about where those choices will lead. But we don't have control over the real reasons as to why we do the things we do and, in the end, we don't have control over many outcomes. (In my example: when my mother would be taken away.)

This lack of control and how we abandon and are abandoned is always most painful in our relationships. You can choose to put in effort, apologize when you make a mistake, be funny and interesting, be forgiving, and be whatever adjective you think it takes to have a deep, meaningful connection that lasts forever, and you could still end up divorced, never married, or essentially friendless at any point in time. Even if all your intimate relationships could be successful and everlasting, you will lose them through death eventually. That sounds horrific at first glance, but is it?

Jesus is, for Christians, our savior, our God. He is the model of perfect love, our teacher of perfect intimacy both with God and with one another. For others, He may simply be a folkloric wise man, taking any account of his life and who He really was as, at best, embellished, the gist of the truth likely getting lost in translation. But regardless of where your eyes fit on who He was, He is the most influential man that walked that planet:

We celebrate His birthday like no other. We celebrate His death and resurrection like no other, and we mention His name -- whether to give praise or take it in vain -- like no other. There is no question He is like no other.

So let's look at His intimate relationships. First with His Father, God. He put His relationship with God, as well as God's desires, first always. He put God above His earthly mom and foster dad. He put God above His friends and ultimately above Himself. So let's look at what that showed people of who God is: Jesus dined and communed with "sinners," He washed the apostles' feet, He preached and chastised, He expressed compassion, loneliness, and anger, losing patience at times. Yet He always showed His desire for intimacy and love with God and with the tribes of Israel and then ultimately with as many as asked of or would receive Him.

What was His reward at some critical moments in His life? Well, Peter denied Him three times, and all His friends abandoned him at one point. People spoke badly about Him and claimed he was possessed. He was homeless when he went preaching from town to town. His own kinsmen and the religious leaders of His day wanted Him crucified. He let it happen against His natural and good desire to live and allowed Himself to be crucified. And then on the cross, following His Father's will to the end, even to humiliation, physical and verbal abuse, and a painful death, what were some of His final words? "Father, why have you forsaken me?" I can't imagine how that moment must have felt for Jesus.

Abandonment, even temporarily, is devastating to most of us. Depending on the circumstances, we find it hard to trust again, and not just the individual responsible; we find it hard to trust someone new. And in essence we find it hard to trust God/love, ultimately, because He allowed it to happen.

Part of intimacy is allowing the undesirable to happen knowing that God/love will ultimately take care of us in the end. In these moments of joy and anguish in our closest relationships with each other and with God, let us take a moment and really see the baby Jesus and know He trusted us first. And that in the end if we turn back to God and each other, the abandonment washes away.

God's Beauty in the Feminine and Masculine

Here I am again at Half Moon Bay beach. This time I am with Teddie though:-). I brought her without a harness and am banking on our bond and the fact that cats are territorial that she will stay close as I type.

Today I had a repitition exercise with one of my classmates that shined a light on an aspect of myself I rarely give voice to. It is the feminine principle that so often gets discounted in our "male" valued society. Now don't get me wrong "male" values are good and necessary but so are the "female".But before I get too analytical about it all, I will relay things as they happened and let you take the lessons you will from them.

This past week I began acting classes again. In the first steps of what is called the Meisner technique you do what are called repitition exercises. Simply put you look at your partner and focus on their physical behavior. You let them affect you personally and respond instinctually..they repeat what you said and you keep doing this until something changes. When the feeling changes then one or the other changes the words expressed. You focus 100% on your partner, listen, let them in and respond truthfully. It sounds simple enough but because being vulnerable is not something we go around being 24/7 it is harder than it seems. It usually takes time to get there, and yet as actors we strive to get there as quickly as we can.

So today I did this repitition exercise with a classmate. At first we were both in our own modes and quirks. I was forward and intense and he was passive and reactive. I wanted him to take charge and I took charge to try to make this happen. Yet he remained in his mode and I in mine...it was a long funny dance.

And then something happened and he became masculine and took charge. It was so beautiful to see and almost immediately I teared and began to cry. And in this shift he saw in me the very sensitive, vulnerable and feminine side. And his observation of me made him say I was cute and femine when he saw this sensitivity and that he trusted me.

Ironically, his masculinity allowed me to be feminine and my feminity allowed him to be even more masculine. My classmate doesn't really know me but some words he conveyed during the repititon rang so true. After he saw me soften he said " You don't have to be tough. You don't have to be tough." I don't have to be tough. There is strength in softness, in vulnerability ,in tears, in receptivity. There is strength in the feminine.

Our culture already knows there is strength in the masculine and slowly we are learning there is strength in the feminine. The giving and the receiving of men and women has value and strength. It deserves respect and even awe. It is my prayer we all see God's beauty in the feminine and masculine.

A Special Thanksgiving

I think we have a holyday for a few of the virtues that make us happy. Love is Valentine's day. Service and sacrifice are Veterans day. I am sure you can make even more ties.Yet today is the only day we actually call out the virtue of being thankful.

Oh sure its an American holiday where staunch patriots celebrate a tradition and liberals fashion another celebration because they see the event as raping and pillaging the native Americans. But aside from which lens you look at this day, I think to be thankful is a powerful grace.

Some of us are grateful for health, wealth and/or a loving family. Some of us are blessed with all of it. Some of us are grateful for our jobs, a meal on the table, our children, our parents, our spouse. Some of us are grateful for a happy disposition or a job we love. Some of us are sick and are grateful for another day of life or relief from pain when it comes Yes, the family is large and the circumstances varied It's all fleeting no matter what but it's those moments no matter what they are that we can be thankful for.

So here I will share the personal and hope the broad will permeate as to why it is a great blessing in our lives to be thankful, beyond the analytically psychological. Today I am thankful for the everyday gifts God has given me, for my body, my mind, my heart and my soul. For the relative health and strength that I have been graced with in all aspects. I am thankful for my home, my friends and my extended family.

And to the not so everyday, I am so incredibly grateful that God has graced me into a new life..a new career that I never dreamed possible. I am soo incredibly grateful that He shows me that in every day and every interaction, He teaches me through you and I teach others for Him.

And its all for our own edification, for our own understanding of how great and powerful love is and all for the glory of God..all for the glory of that pure white hot unconditional love. A love that not only speaks the truth in love but allows you to crash and burn when you vear of the path. He loves us enough to allow us to fail just so we can reach for Him and allow Him to lead.

I am incredibly grateful that His dreams for me are much bigger than my own. I am grateful that the path is ambiguous and tumultuous..that the adventure is so easy when I grab a hold of His hand. Whether in war and famine or feast and good times..God is there..weeping with us or celebrating with us.

This day I am incredibly grateful I know God exists..some of us still are unsure or don't believe at all. I am incredibly grateful that he is teaching me day by day what it means to love. And this day my dear and sweet Heavenly Father..I am grateful for You. And as tears of joy stream down my face..I see that being thankful also heals. And for you dear God and the so much more you give us...this is a very special Thanksgiving.

Love burns thru everything

I am truly amazed at how often we get caught up in our own hurts. No question we are all fragile and sensitive beings and our memories are long, but often all that is required is to open up to the source of love God.

I will share a story with you that has made me wonder if we don't give a little too much credence to psycho babble that does not agree with the truth as revealed by God.

I have to start with The Lord's Prayer because it led me to a miraculous place of healing and love. Now by love I don't mean circumventing the truth or side stepping conflict..but what I do mean is achieving grace.. the grace to courageously and joyfully love.

So here goes the most powerful and graceful prayer that could ever be said and was taught to us by our master and our God incarnate Jesus Christ.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

And without knowing it in my pain, desperation and fear I uttered words that changed my day completely. All relationships that don't go as planned bring a certain amount of heartbreak...a dating relationship with emotional and personal involvement brings a more personal pain. And so as I woke up yesterday morning...having experienced a drama circle of two people shutting down the days and night prior and not feeling good about my role in yielding to temptation...the temptation to not trust to judge and to not love.

I turned to the crucifix above my bed. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross and said I love you and I trust you. Please forgive me and I will forgive. With that I had the courage to respond to my friend and communicate some pain, disappointment, some realities I saw and ended by forgiving and letting go of how I wanted the relationship to be. The last step now is to let go of how I would like the relationship to transition. Herein in love I am now free to be kind, to love and to step away. I am free to move on stronger and wiser even if not perfect...to be open to love again and find the mate God designed for me so that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And with this fulfills the deepest longings of my heart and assures that God and hence love burns thru everything.

A Sea of Love

I am at the coast at half moon bay. So many words that have moved me....so many experiences too. I guess I will start with the phrase that stared at me as I approached this blog entry journey. Written on the bench I was about to sit in-- "The voice of the sea speaks to the soul."

Yesterday while on a hike with my church group I reflected on two things. One is that our eyes face outward so our focus is on the other..we can't see our own face. The oddest thing caused me to think of this. We were warned of ticks along the way and I told a friend of mine that I would take off the ticks I see on her and she could take off the ticks she sees on me. What we see is the other, my friend, and my friend sees the other, me. How beautiful that we were designed to take care of one another.

How we see brought me to the sea. I also took note as we hiked along the coast..that our world is more sea than land and I wondered why. I am sure there are scientific theories as to why this might be. However, I will speculate on the subjective human perspective:-).

We were not meant to live on the water and yet our soul does feel a special call to be near it. The look and sound of the waves soothes us. I think of our other senses that we may not notice that also beckon us, the smell, the touch of it. But definitely not the taste:-). The sea also has great mammals that are noble and intelligent and that we admire and enjoy. It also has a mammal we don't understand and fear. It's a sign of what we need and a dream of what we want. Enjoying the ocean often requires solitude and listening and hence is a great way to commune with God.

So in this sea of writing I hope I can really begin to see. To see that love and God always take care of things no matter how it may seem, and when I begin to worry, especially about someone else, pray..pray pray..the almighty God is already at work trying to comfort and open new doors...and if we love Him we will in turn really see the other and love..love..love.

The Redemptive Nature of Conflict

Most of us disdain conflict, except maybe attorneys. Conflict can take the form of inner conflict, conflict with God, and conflict in relationships. Show me a person who no longer experiences conflict and chances are that someone is dead. Jesus had conflict as well. In and of itself conflict is not bad. Its what we think about conflict and how we choose to deal with it that determines how we grow.

In any situation conflict challenges us. Emotions are stirred with-in us and it gets messy. It makes us look inside and dig deeper into our motivations and our conflicts with those motivations. There are layers upon layers inside of us. Often we first wrestle with another's motivations and their layers to circumvent the more painful and tedious process of examining our own. It requires more of us, and so we often choose not to deal with it. It's easier to rationalize and pull back or give up. The old saying pick your battles is true--conflict can be exhausting.

But conflict is also necessary. It is necessary for intimacy in this life. Think of the conflict that happens when you battle to make time for God or to really open yourself up to God. There is someone else that doesn't want that relationship to grow. Think about the feelings of conflict you may have with God every once in awhile...how do you deal with that? Certainly running away or rationalizing does not foster the intimacy. It is the same with our personal relationships and then some.

I often battle when things seem unjust and people are hurt. Hence, it may not seem like it, but I am afraid of conflict as well. This is especially true in relationships that mean something to me. That first conflict usually decides the fate of the relationship for me.

Peeling back the layers is scary, sometimes we don't want to see things about ourselves and about others and about our relationships. Last time I checked however illusions don't last. The beauty of conflict is that you can begin to be loved for who you really are and you can begin to love others for who they really are. As you both accept who you are, you are then free to choose to change and sacrifice and stretch to help build a closer relationship or decide to part ways if you both decide you can't move forward.

Conflict can be the pathway to realizing that freedom. You will only feel loved and have the freedom to truly love if you have the freedom to change your actions or not. You can choose different actions and still be who you are. Conflict makes you feel alive emotionally by making you aware of two opposing forces. It builds character by allowing you the opportunity to embrace the truth and eventually the opportunity to forgive.

We all have many lessons to learn through conflict. My lesson is to not runaway form it initially or when the heat gets too hot in the kitchen. What's your lesson? Love (God) endures all things and hopes for all things. In the end, conflict may be the divine pathway toward redemption. Certainly Jesus' conflict with the world had Him allow the crucifixion. But it also allowed the resurrection and the beauty of redemption, love and forgiveness. May God help us through the redemptive nature of conflict.

The Magic of God's Grace

I LOVE when God surprises me. Yesterday was a magical day. It would not have seemed the thing to expect given a tumultuous Friday and partying too hard that night in part due to my emotions being so raw.

Saturday morning I woke up tired after 5 hours of sleep. I became aware of Friday and the week in general, but then something magical happened. I started with a brief prayer, and then I went about with actions. I cleaned and organized my room then cleaned the bathroom. I was getting ready for my special guest for the day.

As usual I had a joyful peace as I walked to classes, and I greeted and smiled with the people who crossed my path. I took that with me into my classes and the new day brought a new reality. Friday was Friday and today was today. The classes were sweet and magical.

Then there was an atypical delay in starting our workout in fitness class. I had a little angst as I had to pick up my guest at the airport by 1200pm. Even though he had given me permission to be late, I did not want him to be waiting so long. After the work out, I dashed out. Grace multiplied as his flight was a bit delayed, and I finished working out minutes after he had arrived.

We spent a magical day together. We enjoyed just being and the beauty of God's world. We appreciated the magic of touch and affection. We freely shared thoughts and allowed a free connection to happen.

We then went to Redondo beach to experience a glimpse of the vast life in the ocean by going on the looking glass boat tour. The fish had glorious colors. A narrow silver one with a lightning blue streak, a fat orange one called Garibaldi, a fat opaque grey one with a white dot on it's back and glowing olive on it its fins. Their eyes also had a beautiful shade of blue. There were dozens of some and hundreds of others.

It made me think of how each fish was a unique representation of life. From a distance each species looked the same. However, if you looked closely enough at each one, each one was unique. Lastly there was a dazzling gold choral of plant life that amazed me.

It reminded me that life is vast and God's handiwork is always expanding. I couldn't even experience all that vastness even if I chose to spend all my waking moments just exploring. It made living forever seem just about the right amount of time it would take:-).

We then ate at a restauarant and enjoyed the oceanviews. We ended by settling in for a bit at Manhattan beach. What a quaint yet perfectly organized and zealously guarded town. Aside from the beach parking lot patrol men ready to inform you of the rules of the lot, there were a myriad of volleyball nets on the beach, cute little shops and restaurants and a variety of architecture. We fell inlove with some colonial Spanish styled condos and daydreamed of what it would be like to live there.

There were many surprising moments yesterday. The most surprising was my guest's decision to purchase a rosary after seeing one hanging on my rear view mirror. There are subtle and not so subtle ways we influence each other. It can be so beautiful.

There is beauty in just being, in the freedom to dream and the freedom to love. This is the grace of living, and the rest can be washed away. If these moments are influenced or caused by collective prayer, I am eternally grateful for the pure injection of God's grace.

Thank you God for letting the rest be washed away and keep me in that embrace. And the next time, if there is a next time that the enemy injects poison into my inner world, please remind me that I can uniquely combat it with a prayer then truth and love. I can then leave it behind, and experience the magic of God's grace.