The Sweet Joy of Surrendering to God's Waves

I am sooo lucky to live where I live. And for all of you that live in
the bay area: rejoice! It's mid-January, and it's 60, sunny, and clear.
On top of that, for a lot of us the ocean is only 20 minutes away. I am at
Half moon Bay again, Teddieless this time. It's a little windy but
outside of that a perfect day in my opinion.

That's why I left Chicago. As I have told countless people, I counted
the actual days that were pleasant in Chicago... 76 out of 365 the year
I last lived there. Here it is more like 300 days. The bay area is
sunny and mild most days while the Chicago area was overcast, frigid, or
hot as a stove most days I remember it.

I wonder sometimes if the climate affects our soul, as well. Many of
the friends I left in Chicago were hard, cynical, and deathly afraid of
change. Maybe that's the way I was to some degree. A couple of my best friends tried to control their environment, I guess out of necessity, and when that
failed they acquiesced to the inevitable waves that came.

I hoped they would eventually become like surfers riding the wave: twisting and
turning with their intentions yet surrendering to what they expected
and didn't quite expect. They never quite got there. They then tried
to control the truth I spoke in love, and in the end our friendships
ended. These were long-term personal and close friendships that
navigated many storms together, and yet the last storms were too much
to weather. Their past mistakes haunted them, and the waves
eventually capsized our friendship, a major interruption in this life.

But I rode that wave knowing there were other roads God's will would
lead us to individually. God is so great that way; even in our
missteps, even in our hurt and in our anger, He always gently tries to
lead us to a joyful and happy place. Surrendering to God's will would
seem desirable if it meant not only accepting the waves but actually
enjoying them!

One friend recently asked me, "What does that mean:
surrendering to God's will?"

Well, humbly and as low to the ground as I can be, I will try to answer
that query on a slightly deeper level. God makes us all unique and
unrepeatable. God designed us all for a purpose. However, we are not
quite polished yet, not quite the perfect piece to fit in the grand
mosaic of heaven. And so we are here to have our edges polished.

As an example: my candor can sting your illusion, and your resistance
brings even more of my candor out. We cut and shape each other, perhaps
with some angst. Or my candor brings out your reflection and gentle
agreement or disagreement, and we dialogue and shape each other another
way. My candor can be gentle or sharp, but it is my gift to the world,
sometimes wanted and sometimes not. And the world's response to my
candor, whether gentle or sharp, is its gift to me, whether I want it
or not.:-)

Surrendering to God's will for me means being true about my needs and
about my desire to love. It's about my desire to be as transparent as
I can be, having full confidence that God's will will be done, that in
this surrender things will be mutually decided, and the path will
naturally narrow. Trying to please everyone or fit in everywhere is, in
short, trying to force things. This naturally will lead to
resistance.

Trying to impose our own will and control the flow of communication
and the expression of love will lead to resistance. So the choice
simply becomes being true to ourselves and true with God and true with
one another in the moment and letting God/Love in to the situations that polish our
edges or trying to control what happens by shutting out Love/God or
trying to force it.

Both scenarios bring dramatic moments, healing moments, joyful
moments, pleasurable moments, exciting moments, sad moments, peaceful
moments, and resistant moments at times. The more we love, the easier
the polishing is to handle, and the more we resist, the more painful
the polishing will be.

In the end, if we embrace it all we will find an overarching peace
and joy knowing God/Love is in charge. Even though we will dance in
this life between surrendering to God's/Love's will and imposing our
own ego, I pray all of us, while living and upon exiting this life,
allow ourselves to experience and to trust the sweet joy of
surrendering to God's waves.

Epiphany

It's amazing to me that I could be Catholic for so long and not know what this feast means until now. That alone should keep me humble, knowing that I know so little it constitutes not knowing at all for all practical purposes:-).

The feast of the Epiphany is the next to last day of Christmas and celebrates when the Magi followed the star all the way to where the baby Jesus was with Mary. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh and did him homage. They recognized that this infant was God incarnate. For more information on this special day here is a good article on the celebration:

http://www.bworldonline.com/content.php?section=Opinion&title=The-Epiphany&id=44655

Because Epiphany is such a powerful word, I looked for definitions of what it means. Here is what I found. The first two are from Wikepedia. I have attached the link for those who want full context:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany

The word epiphany originally referred to insight through the divine.[6] Today, this concept is used much more often and without such connotations, but a popular implication remains that the epiphany is supernatural, as the discovery comes suddenly from the outside.

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, "manifestation, striking appearance") is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture," or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or numinous foundational frame of reference.

And one last from www.dictionary.com: e·piph·a·ny

1. ( initial capital letter ) a Christian festival observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.
2. an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.
3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
4. a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.

Origin:
1275-1325; Middle English epiphanie < Late Latin epiphanīaepipháneia, Greek: apparition, equivalent to epi- epi- + phan- (stem of phaínein to appear) + -eia -y3

Epiphany (holiday), a Christian holiday on January 6 celebrating the visit of the Magi to the infant Jesus Epiphany (feeling), a sudden realization of great truth.

For me, after reading these articles, I feel epiphanies are rare. In a sense we are always seeking and discovering new realities both collectively and individually, but rarely is that final piece revealed.

If our life is a puzzle then we are always collecting and putting a new piece in. We see more clearly what the picture is but more often than not we don't see the whole picture. That could range from a broad question like, "What is the purpose of my life?", to a very specific question like, "Why do certain people enter my life?" or "Who has God willed to be my mate?". We seek answers and get some confirmations. We can see some reasons, but rarely do we see the whole picture.

This first week of the new year for me, I have received lots of signs. The first is in what I have received unexpectedly in career options and deeper friendship connections. Later, some very powerful and unexpected feelings were revealed to me. Finally, prayers were answered and signs pointed me to someone, and doors closed away from others. The purpose, reason and outcome I do not know. What I do know is that God/Love has milestones in mind for me this year. He has prepared my heart.

As we journey in this life not knowing what the next moment will bring and not knowing when our efforts will pay off, let us trust in the divine voice that resides in us. Let's trust it to guide us through the light and dark moments. To trust that step by misstep, if we hold on to God and Love as much as we can in this life, we will eventually see the Epiphany.

In the End its All About God

As the Christmas season lingers and the year closes, it is natural to reflect -- to reflect on the good times and the bad, on what we have done and what we have failed to do. We cherish what is special to us and renew our hope and our resolve to fill what we perceive we lack.

This Christmas season had me feel my void like never before. The normal tricks -- focusing on the giving and counting my blessings -- failed miserably. And God wanted it that way. He wanted to show me my wound -- He knew I was ready. It was incredibly painful. There were moments I thought I would not make it.

The signs of noncompassion I could handle; it was the signs of near compassion that hurt me the most. As an astute new friend pointed out: you know abandonment, and you know what to do with that. What you don't know is compassion and love, and that is what you cannot handle. I still tear up now knowing how true that is.

It is sad, I think, that some of us go through life expecting relationships to fail. We experience disappointment enough times that we end up compensating by lightening things up, by expecting disconnection, by giving someone an out and, ultimately, by not allowing ourselves to trust.

It's ironic, I guess, that in our quest to protect ourselves we cause ourselves even more pain. The isolation is real and very painful. That is what I had to come to terms with. But something more to the core made me realize that I was not, in fact, trusting God. I was not trusting Him to show me how my covering my needs was actually sabotaging their fulfillment.

How, in fact, that seeing my relationships as they are, while painful, was the very step I needed to take to open myself up to the people that could be there for me. And how being vulnerable is what would finally set me free. Because it is in vulnerability that we let God in intimately and have HIS will move us: beyond ourselves and into Love, beyond our intellectual choice and own will -- for to love is not a choice, it is a divine gift that God places in our vessel. Our choice is a mere illusion of Love if the author of Love, God, has not willed it. And that illusion will die if the author of Love does not eventually reside in our choice.

I know my vessel is sometimes full of things that ultimately are not good for me. This Christmas season, I was strong enough to allow Him to begin to shape me by opening and breaking me, all for my own good. For His Love needs lots of room, and I was always full at the inn with my own distractions, preoccupations, and obligations.
This breaking is unique for all of us. Some have it early, some have it late and, sadly, I suppose, some never have it at all in this life.

Even though we all, in the end, are seeking to love and to be loved, we don't always find the source of that Love. We look for love in all the wrong places, as one song puts it. But when we do look for Love in the right place, it does sometimes cost us with real pain as we tear down the illusions.

But then we are free to surrender to Love and to God. He can then open our hearts so we can Love one another the way we each individually need to be loved. For our needs are not all the same. On top of that, they change and morph. It takes all of you to really love another person. And most of us on our own strength never even come close to stretching that far. It's why we need God not only to give us the strength to love but to show us how to love. It takes us being vulnerable.

God's power (Love) can move mountains. We have all heard of the mother who lifts up a 2,000-pound car when her child is trapped underneath it. And perhaps some of you have seen the movie Lorenzo's Oil in which frantic parents come up with a serum to save their child from an unknown disease. Or perhaps you have seen Conviction, in which a woman sacrifices everything to save her brother. Yes Love/God is powerful, beautiful, and scary all at once. It requires all of us. And if we are into self-protection or weighing the costs then we will fail. But if we surrender to God then Love never fails.

I'll leave you with a substitution of Love where God is normally found and similarly substituting God for love. I pray to my Almighty Father that this will not offend Him, and I pray it won't offend any of you.

The Lord's prayer would go like this:

Our Lover, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Love's name. Love's kingdom come, Love's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In love give us our daily bread, and in love forgive us our trespasses, as in love we forgive those who trespass against us, and Love lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

God makes the world go 'round.

And the Beatles song... All you need is God.

As we end this year may we embrace our destiny and know that, in the end, it is all about God.

The Abandonment Washes Away

Christmas is in essence such a time of joy. Yet accepting the season into our lives can sometimes be quite difficult. Personally, this season has been bittersweet every year that I can ever remember. When I was a youngster, I wished I had a larger family. When as a teenager I lost the little family I had, I longed for any family. And as an adult, I have mourned that deeper connection to a larger group no matter how I ended up spending Christmas.

Sometimes I spent it with the large family of my boyfriend at the time; those were probably the best Christmases I remember. Sometimes I spent it with my extended, and yet still small, family in Peru. Sometimes I spent it with a married friend's large family, sometimes with just one close friend and, not often (thank God), I have sometimes spent it alone.

My closest and wisest friends saw in my life a recurring theme: that I could not commit to and depend on someone. It wasn't a choice, really. There were always two forces at work: my love of my freedom which was with me ever since I can remember and, more to the core, the emotional loss of my mom at such a young and critical age that it left me wary of getting too attached to any one person or family. It's like abandonment was right around the corner, so I had to leave before I was left. I could never see it, but some of them could. It seems you can never see things clearly until you are ready.

It really boils down to trying to be in control -- trying to control the outcome and being prepared for all the possible options -- versus just letting things be. Now don't get me wrong: we all have choices and some amount of control about where those choices will lead. But we don't have control over the real reasons as to why we do the things we do and, in the end, we don't have control over many outcomes. (In my example: when my mother would be taken away.)

This lack of control and how we abandon and are abandoned is always most painful in our relationships. You can choose to put in effort, apologize when you make a mistake, be funny and interesting, be forgiving, and be whatever adjective you think it takes to have a deep, meaningful connection that lasts forever, and you could still end up divorced, never married, or essentially friendless at any point in time. Even if all your intimate relationships could be successful and everlasting, you will lose them through death eventually. That sounds horrific at first glance, but is it?

Jesus is, for Christians, our savior, our God. He is the model of perfect love, our teacher of perfect intimacy both with God and with one another. For others, He may simply be a folkloric wise man, taking any account of his life and who He really was as, at best, embellished, the gist of the truth likely getting lost in translation. But regardless of where your eyes fit on who He was, He is the most influential man that walked that planet:

We celebrate His birthday like no other. We celebrate His death and resurrection like no other, and we mention His name -- whether to give praise or take it in vain -- like no other. There is no question He is like no other.

So let's look at His intimate relationships. First with His Father, God. He put His relationship with God, as well as God's desires, first always. He put God above His earthly mom and foster dad. He put God above His friends and ultimately above Himself. So let's look at what that showed people of who God is: Jesus dined and communed with "sinners," He washed the apostles' feet, He preached and chastised, He expressed compassion, loneliness, and anger, losing patience at times. Yet He always showed His desire for intimacy and love with God and with the tribes of Israel and then ultimately with as many as asked of or would receive Him.

What was His reward at some critical moments in His life? Well, Peter denied Him three times, and all His friends abandoned him at one point. People spoke badly about Him and claimed he was possessed. He was homeless when he went preaching from town to town. His own kinsmen and the religious leaders of His day wanted Him crucified. He let it happen against His natural and good desire to live and allowed Himself to be crucified. And then on the cross, following His Father's will to the end, even to humiliation, physical and verbal abuse, and a painful death, what were some of His final words? "Father, why have you forsaken me?" I can't imagine how that moment must have felt for Jesus.

Abandonment, even temporarily, is devastating to most of us. Depending on the circumstances, we find it hard to trust again, and not just the individual responsible; we find it hard to trust someone new. And in essence we find it hard to trust God/love, ultimately, because He allowed it to happen.

Part of intimacy is allowing the undesirable to happen knowing that God/love will ultimately take care of us in the end. In these moments of joy and anguish in our closest relationships with each other and with God, let us take a moment and really see the baby Jesus and know He trusted us first. And that in the end if we turn back to God and each other, the abandonment washes away.

God's Beauty in the Feminine and Masculine

Here I am again at Half Moon Bay beach. This time I am with Teddie though:-). I brought her without a harness and am banking on our bond and the fact that cats are territorial that she will stay close as I type.

Today I had a repitition exercise with one of my classmates that shined a light on an aspect of myself I rarely give voice to. It is the feminine principle that so often gets discounted in our "male" valued society. Now don't get me wrong "male" values are good and necessary but so are the "female".But before I get too analytical about it all, I will relay things as they happened and let you take the lessons you will from them.

This past week I began acting classes again. In the first steps of what is called the Meisner technique you do what are called repitition exercises. Simply put you look at your partner and focus on their physical behavior. You let them affect you personally and respond instinctually..they repeat what you said and you keep doing this until something changes. When the feeling changes then one or the other changes the words expressed. You focus 100% on your partner, listen, let them in and respond truthfully. It sounds simple enough but because being vulnerable is not something we go around being 24/7 it is harder than it seems. It usually takes time to get there, and yet as actors we strive to get there as quickly as we can.

So today I did this repitition exercise with a classmate. At first we were both in our own modes and quirks. I was forward and intense and he was passive and reactive. I wanted him to take charge and I took charge to try to make this happen. Yet he remained in his mode and I in mine...it was a long funny dance.

And then something happened and he became masculine and took charge. It was so beautiful to see and almost immediately I teared and began to cry. And in this shift he saw in me the very sensitive, vulnerable and feminine side. And his observation of me made him say I was cute and femine when he saw this sensitivity and that he trusted me.

Ironically, his masculinity allowed me to be feminine and my feminity allowed him to be even more masculine. My classmate doesn't really know me but some words he conveyed during the repititon rang so true. After he saw me soften he said " You don't have to be tough. You don't have to be tough." I don't have to be tough. There is strength in softness, in vulnerability ,in tears, in receptivity. There is strength in the feminine.

Our culture already knows there is strength in the masculine and slowly we are learning there is strength in the feminine. The giving and the receiving of men and women has value and strength. It deserves respect and even awe. It is my prayer we all see God's beauty in the feminine and masculine.

A Special Thanksgiving

I think we have a holyday for a few of the virtues that make us happy. Love is Valentine's day. Service and sacrifice are Veterans day. I am sure you can make even more ties.Yet today is the only day we actually call out the virtue of being thankful.

Oh sure its an American holiday where staunch patriots celebrate a tradition and liberals fashion another celebration because they see the event as raping and pillaging the native Americans. But aside from which lens you look at this day, I think to be thankful is a powerful grace.

Some of us are grateful for health, wealth and/or a loving family. Some of us are blessed with all of it. Some of us are grateful for our jobs, a meal on the table, our children, our parents, our spouse. Some of us are grateful for a happy disposition or a job we love. Some of us are sick and are grateful for another day of life or relief from pain when it comes Yes, the family is large and the circumstances varied It's all fleeting no matter what but it's those moments no matter what they are that we can be thankful for.

So here I will share the personal and hope the broad will permeate as to why it is a great blessing in our lives to be thankful, beyond the analytically psychological. Today I am thankful for the everyday gifts God has given me, for my body, my mind, my heart and my soul. For the relative health and strength that I have been graced with in all aspects. I am thankful for my home, my friends and my extended family.

And to the not so everyday, I am so incredibly grateful that God has graced me into a new life..a new career that I never dreamed possible. I am soo incredibly grateful that He shows me that in every day and every interaction, He teaches me through you and I teach others for Him.

And its all for our own edification, for our own understanding of how great and powerful love is and all for the glory of God..all for the glory of that pure white hot unconditional love. A love that not only speaks the truth in love but allows you to crash and burn when you vear of the path. He loves us enough to allow us to fail just so we can reach for Him and allow Him to lead.

I am incredibly grateful that His dreams for me are much bigger than my own. I am grateful that the path is ambiguous and tumultuous..that the adventure is so easy when I grab a hold of His hand. Whether in war and famine or feast and good times..God is there..weeping with us or celebrating with us.

This day I am incredibly grateful I know God exists..some of us still are unsure or don't believe at all. I am incredibly grateful that he is teaching me day by day what it means to love. And this day my dear and sweet Heavenly Father..I am grateful for You. And as tears of joy stream down my face..I see that being thankful also heals. And for you dear God and the so much more you give us...this is a very special Thanksgiving.

Love burns thru everything

I am truly amazed at how often we get caught up in our own hurts. No question we are all fragile and sensitive beings and our memories are long, but often all that is required is to open up to the source of love God.

I will share a story with you that has made me wonder if we don't give a little too much credence to psycho babble that does not agree with the truth as revealed by God.

I have to start with The Lord's Prayer because it led me to a miraculous place of healing and love. Now by love I don't mean circumventing the truth or side stepping conflict..but what I do mean is achieving grace.. the grace to courageously and joyfully love.

So here goes the most powerful and graceful prayer that could ever be said and was taught to us by our master and our God incarnate Jesus Christ.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

And without knowing it in my pain, desperation and fear I uttered words that changed my day completely. All relationships that don't go as planned bring a certain amount of heartbreak...a dating relationship with emotional and personal involvement brings a more personal pain. And so as I woke up yesterday morning...having experienced a drama circle of two people shutting down the days and night prior and not feeling good about my role in yielding to temptation...the temptation to not trust to judge and to not love.

I turned to the crucifix above my bed. I saw Jesus hanging on the cross and said I love you and I trust you. Please forgive me and I will forgive. With that I had the courage to respond to my friend and communicate some pain, disappointment, some realities I saw and ended by forgiving and letting go of how I wanted the relationship to be. The last step now is to let go of how I would like the relationship to transition. Herein in love I am now free to be kind, to love and to step away. I am free to move on stronger and wiser even if not perfect...to be open to love again and find the mate God designed for me so that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And with this fulfills the deepest longings of my heart and assures that God and hence love burns thru everything.