A Story of Love

I just came back from a vacation to Cabo, Mexico. I went with an old friend and had  a lot of good and typical partying times. The sun, the activities, the runs on the beach, too many spirited drinks, the spontaneous connections..had me live in the moment more often than not.

It took me out of the health drama that had me swept up in April and May. With God's grace, my final answer came before my trip. All the doctors I consulted with knowledge of my rare cancer said the same. There is an excellent chance it is isolated, It is extremely slow growing and surgery is the preventative and curative course of action. I will weigh a little less come mid July..minus the smallest lobe in our lungs..the right middle lobe.:-)

So I have peace. I am embracing prayers with friends and have been blessed to have prayers that have accompanied me through this journey from a core group of friends and family members.

The little miracle that happens is that I see God and love in new ways almost without looking for it.:-)

As I returned from my trip, I thought well I am not particularly inspired to write a May blog and here we are June 1 and I am inspired.

I saw on a bumper sticker the dates of a beloved's birthday and passing and it occurred to me that this life is a Story of Love. We can't escape it.

Some of us love science and knowledge and the dream to do and know more. Some of us love a child, a spouse, a long love or a friend. Some of us love a pet or life or Jesus or God. 

But that love drives us…as if by some invisible hand we are moved beyond ourselves, discovering ourselves, growing and yet staying the same, and ultimately accepting the many things we can not control and yet we love anyway.

If you stay still and silent and open your heart, it is almost as if we don't have a choice…we cherish, we protect, we pursue we love whom we love and what we love. 

And God's will for that love will be made manifest in what we give up on and what we don't.

What ultimately opened my eyes again was the drama of life and health in a friend's family. My eyes were more deeply opened in remembering the story of what Jesus did out of love…how His sacrifice was the ultimate story of love. It's transformative, salvific and healing.

This June month as we celebrate Corpus Christi and meditate on the Eucharist..let that Holy Presence remind us and smile. It is written in your heart and mine and put their by God…because life is truly a Story of Love.

The Ultimate Challenge

About 5-7 years ago I took a strengths finder test at St. Dominic's and my number one gift deigned on me buy God was Command. Command connotes authority, decisiveness and courage. I admit I was not too thrilled with it at the time. It is not exactly the typical feminine profile. But then again--St. Catherine of Sienna and Joan of Arc had those gifts. Mother Theresa and Mary did as well even if they were more humble and soft spoken.

So now I embrace it…after all what choice do I have? Suffocating a gift is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

And that brings me to the real topic and a revelation at least for the moment. So first some caveats before I reveal what I am about to reveal. First, prayer and miracles happen all the time and you never know when…persistence is key. Second, I apologize in advance if this news causes distress or for some reason you feel you should have found out another way. Thirdly, It is my sincere hope that this particular blog entry is of spiritual, intellectual and emotional value for you.

So first the news and a lot of pour out of me reflection.:-)

As you know the Big C -- Christ is a big deal to me..HE has been for a very very long time. Perhaps HE has always been and always will be a big deal to me. I can't imagine any circumstance changing that. What the little c has taught me is that I am human, have real fears about death (I really like life)  and that the greatest challenges bring about untold blessing for you and others.

Yes the little c is cancer. So bear with me as I delve into the specifics. On April 6th of this year after monitoring a nodule discovered by accident for about 7 months, I underwent a needle biopsy on my right lung. I received the results on Wednesday April 8th of that week. That nodule was a carcinoid tumor very slow growing but none the less cancer.

Before I could wrap my brain around the news..I was scheduled for a battery of tests for the following week to see if the particular cells involved had gone awry elsewhere or if there was any metastasis. I had never in my life experienced moments of fear and paralyzation as I had about this news. I stayed positive most of the time but subconsciously the fear of the unknown weighed heavy on the back of my mind where I had pushed it. 

My control freak nature went on a rampage devouring every bit of information about the rare form of this particular cancer I had (only 5% of people get it) and there is no known cause or risk factor. I googled a special foundation, found support groups, specialized information, faith resources, and diet resources. And in this whirlwind with the constant support of good friends and family both near and far..I managed to at least still go to daily mass and pray.

Two epiphanies came. One is I was letting fear get in the way of my relationship with God, and two I surrendered and let God know and my cousin who heard my confession that even if it was my time and I was dying I still loved HIM. 

Now looking back it seemed mellow dramatic..but really we don't know when our time will come. It can be slow or it can be fast. Don't get me wrong, I pleaded, begged my Heavenly Father and had my core group do the same for healing for something that had not spread. But part of me finally realized in the end His will would be done. Nothing for me was ever so humbling.

The good news is after being poked a dozen times, going through countless CT scans..laughing and kidding around some of the time with them and then that crazy O scan..the full body scan the results came. They were all negative and my tumor was not very active. I have no doubt the grace of fervent daily prayer from my beautiful friends and family played a role. Right before I got the last bit of most important results on April 17th..I felt this palpable spontaneous peace. So yes if you are going to have cancer this is the best type to have and I am grateful.

I won't bore you with the details of all the due diligence I am doing now but I do know at some point I would like my experience to be a resource for others not only dealing with a cancer diagnosis but any major health problem.

My faith will get me through this, and although I can calculate what is likely to happen, even if I am right, I don't want to short change God and Love. So lets just say I will leave it in the hands of God to see how this chapter ends. But the good news is no matter what, it seems I will be one of the fortunate ones that has an end in sight to killing the cancer definitively. It may not be an easy solution but it will be swift, quick and permanent for this particular cancer if it agrees with God's will.

Ironically, there are a multitude of blessings already gleaned from this experience. Deeper self awareness, my love of life, my love of God, HIS love for me, my love of friends and family and their love for me, reconciliation, deeper compassion, the preciousness of life, greater courage to just stand up for what's right and quit weighing out what others will think and so much more. I have no doubt there are things I can't possibly recognize that are blessings.

So how can I leave you with some value here? Please please remember you are not alone...in your weakest moments God is there and the compassion and love people have hidden in the recesses of their heart comes out..God comes out. 

And what is the Ultimate Courage? To put the big C above the little c and every other letter in the alphabet.:-)  How? Well a start would be to acknowledge all of your self in the most trying of moments and never give up on God or Love. To reach up and out and pour yourself out. The biggest gift you have is the biggest gift for you. The biggest gift you have is the love God wants to pour out from you. Don't stop it when it comes because suffocating it is not exactly a good mark of health.:-)

Where the Heart is

Funny to be publishing this on St.Patrick's day. But it is certainly a celebration of the heart for the Irish and those adopted Irish who celebrate His feast day.

This month has certainly been joyous for my heart. Sometimes we are led to a path out of challenge, or an intense desire or a logical next step. The beauty is that eventually if that path poses challenges against where your heart really is…where your heart is will eventually win.

Of course this applies to romance but that is not the focus of this blog. I will add a few lines about romance though as here to I learned a lot about while in LA. I learned tat where you heart really is is eventually revealed. You just have to give it time.

Thats why when it is not love but need, desire or attachment or any combination thereof it is always best to let it go. Where-ever your heart really is will win out anyway and it will be clear. You give yourself and the other person a gift, and you grow and move on to the possibility of real love happening. And if your heart is free and open it will happen.

So where is my heart? It's in the bay and with my home. I fought that as long as I could, wanting to give the acting in LA a real chance. I did for as long as I could. It's not easy turning your back on a door when it is just opening up but I just could not "live or love" there any longer. With time how LA fits into my life will become apparent.

The blessings that happened while I was in LA are so vast that I can't count them all. I met some very kind and gentle souls, I have an amazing agent in LA now, I participated in a bunch of short films and had a lead role for the first time. I put my reel together and made good contacts. I had amazing and heart breaking experiences there and I would not trade them.  My experiences in LA has caused a unique growth. However, for now I have gone where my heart is, and I feel much contentment and peace.

In our journey in this life God's will becomes apparent in the doors He opens and closes repeatedly. In that moment to moment journey we embrace the ups and the downs knowing that with time His will will become apparent and where the heart is.

The Challenges are a Blessing in Disguise

I read in someone's profile recently some wise words..behold the wonderment of life but know that there also challenges and that we can get thru them.

I dug deeper this week as it was one of my more challenging weeks with quite a few curve balls thrown my way.  In baseball, when you anticipate a curve ball then you can prepare but when you don't then you swing badly….but thats the beauty you reflect and you practice.:-)

And so I practiced self reflection, I had to to make sense of the pain. The event and circumstances is one thing but it's what is triggered in me that I looked at more deeply. What did I do well, how do I feel about what I did not do well? What was the unexpected result or blessing that came out of it? How can I be more gracious in my  actions/decisions when I make them and in my responses when I am caught by surprise and most importantly..how can I be gracious no matter what the result is?

It is easy to blame others..it is quiet another to embrace where they are at and where you at and what  you and they have done and then in dignity and with courage respond in kindness and decisively when it becomes clear how you want to respond. 

Reactions to an event that causes you harm are usually only necessary in an emergency or life threatening situation..but even then there is the grace of God giving you a choice on how to respond. And if you have time to think and to collect your emotions..take it.  Weigh it out. Their needs, your needs..what is fair..call on friends who give you wise input and then turn to the Lord if the still quiet voice has not spoken yet…decide and then act.

The result is many times not as bad as you initially think..you learn about the other person..you learn about yourself.  The result in the end probably led you to a desired outcome or to a more authentic place. The ones where you are in each others lives for a reason are blessed. The other's that are in each other's lives for a season are blessed and the one's designed to accompany you for the journey are blessed.

All are blessings and we have to be thankful..we each help or helped each other grow.

Our Lord and Savior is the model of how to handle challenges. The pain was real and the result seemed horrible. However, his human nature grew in love for us as his divine nature and calling lead him down a unique and loving path.  He received the greatest glory and worship in the end. And the result for us too is an undeserved and huge blessing…perhaps our biggest blessing of all. A self-sacrificial love that if we accept and walk in HIS path will lead us to a joy filled life, the greatest aid to face our challenges and an army here on earth and in heaven ready to assist you on this journey and get you safely to an even better place with an even greater promise in the end.:-)

As we start the month of February, I think of January and embrace the changes in me and my life and I give thanks to God and those who touched me this month in kind and not so kind ways.:-) 

I look forward to the Superbowl, to Lent, to the day of love and friendship and embrace this glorious journey where we are invited to grow…painful yes..but it is the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves. Thank you Lord for gifting us with this life full of blessings and wonder, full of love and full of challenges…all for your glory and our sanctification.

Reflect and be grateful when challenges come for they are a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes We Need the Desert

I was struggling this month for a theme. Sometimes the events don't directly inspire a theme and then it just comes.

This month has many events I have written about in the past like Epiphany, MLK day and of course the Walk for Life in SF and DC.

But as decisions and transitions always do for me, I self reflect. At first I do what comes naturally for me as an extrovert, I embrace the people in my path and around me. It energizes me and invigorates me and I feel a zest and purpose. It is also my way of processing. Once I gain experience in a certain realm, I generally make decisions instinctually. My instincts are rarely wrong.

I think hope and positivity sometimes gets me into trouble. I always am creative at finding solutions and finding ways to grow but we all have our limits. Humbly, I have found my own. Does it mean I can never outgrow them? No. But it does mean I must respect them and honor them. Love indeed is powerful and can conquer all but I again think that in my zeal to want Love, I try to make it happen.

I try to find the ingredients and the timing and the head tries to make things work and here in is the rub. The head tries to make it work when in essence it is God that has either gifted Love or has not. Still blessings abound as we learn and grow.

Humbly, I now have fairly unbendable standards as I patiently wait for God to guide and gift. Yes fun times and connecting with people on deep levels and serving and learning are all so valuable.

But I find I also desperately need those moments, longer moments when I go into the desert as Jesus did to be with God. The answers there in that silence speak louder than any words can.

I think many social movements that change society start in those desert moments. I think the depth of an epiphanic event deepens in those desert moments. 

Jesus gave us the model.  Festive , as some despairingly called Him a glutton and a drunkard, who also was with the masses to help and heal but then would retire into the desert.

God bless you on your journey toward connecting, communing and having joy. But when you need to as well, you might find like me that sometimes we need the desert.

In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights

As we approach Christmas Day....Christmas Eve is that night of wonder. The night of anticipation as the wise men headed toward the Messiah the King of Kings...wrapped in swaddling clothes.

A beautiful helpless baby awaits in Bethelehem. I am sure this baby-God was different and special. I wonder how developed his motor skills were and what kind of assimilation HE had.

I say this because I as a mere mortal have many memories of being a baby. I have memories of seeing and feeling my arms gyrating about as I had little control over them. I remember feeling as if my head had some cotton in it.

I remember many cynical thoughts and the desire to control my environment and my body.

So how was my Lord? I can't even begin to imagine. John the Baptist lept in Elizabeth's womb at perceiving Jesus at scarcely what  was weeks or 1 to 2 months old in Mary's womb.

Amazing facts were relayed in oral tradition and the written, but they are not unfathomable. This holy night makes me reflect on how Mary gave birth. Without a hospital or a midwife, she gave birth. How was this childbirth different and how was it the same?

So many questions about the holiest night that ever was. When God became Man. He started differently, with no male DNA but a heavenly one had begotten him. He had Mary's DNA and her DNA was not typical either. As Catholic's we believe she was immaculately conceived. The only human to be since the fall. And this so she could house God in man. True man and True God...something simple and yet hard to comprehend.

But this miracle was our biggest Joy. We saw God act in the flesh. We saw him heal, raise the dead, pray fervently, commune with sinners and teach with parables, with authority and humility. We saw him finally embrace the ultimate sacrifice of love. Not just death, but humiliation, emotional, physical mental and spiritual suffering. Thru that act he triumphed and we win because of it.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Tonight we await. The birth of a babe, a sweet, dependent and humble baby. We await that magical moment of mother and child embracing and Joseph hovering in protection. Joseph was destined to be Jesus adoptive father...the lineage predicted it so.

And so this most holy of nights, I reflect on this holy family and I am so grateful and humbled at all their faith and sacrifice. Their love for God, prepared them to love each other and have the most awesome responsibility and privilege to take care of and nurture their Savior.

And Love does that doesn't it? It saves us, it redeems us. If Salvation came thru a babe, then we are now the heirs. We are now responsible and privileged to help continue the salvific and redemptive plan. As we graft ourselves to HIM, we continue HIS work.

And what a wondrous start as we are born again in remembering HIS birth and waiting in awe, vulnerability and humility. We are graced to witness God and HIS Love with unspeakable joy. May this awe filled and holy Christmas Eve grace us with the gift of deep abiding Salvific and Redemptive Love. 

May we continue HIS plan, HIS play, HIS art in the unfolding drama and joy that Love is. Let us humbly await and embrace the Great "I am" in preparation to follow and surrender to his Lead of Love with even deeper grace In Anticipation of the Holiest of Nights.

Give Thanks for it is Right and Just

So I am doing the Southern California equivalent thing with my blog.:-)  I am at Manhatten Beach awaiting a sunset and its 70 degrees the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Truly I am blessed. I am blessed to call two marvelous places home in what arguably is the best state in the country. Which segways me into the theme of this blog.

Last year I made a new years resolution to attend daily mass. Of course I have missed a few but by and large and certainly of late I have made it pretty much every single time. And why do I mention this?

P: "Let us give thanks to the Lord our God." C: "It is right and just." P:  It is truly right and just, our duty and our salvation always and everywhere to give you thanks through your beloved son Jesus Christ." These are the words I utter and hear daily at mass. 

These words are so deep and true that I can not give them justice in a simple blog. Simply put we are designed to give thanks and yielding to this desire brings us joy and conversely thwarting that is to our detriment. 

It is great that we have a national holiday reminding us to give thanks. But I would suggest it should be a daily reminder and even a moment to moment reminder. Every breath we take is a gift, every meal, every experience, every person and every good thought is a gift:-) Imagine giving thanks for our good thoughts too? 

I am reminded of two real life experiences that I have been graced to be acquainted with. One is an Australian man named Nick Vujicic who was born without arms and legs. Certainly not the ideal physical condition. But it’s what he does with that is what shows is what reality is and that gratefulness will lead us to that heavenly kingdom. I have attached a link on him as my description would not do him justice. Here is one of his briefest videos. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKTg_INHgpc

Then saw an African American young man who was born without arms and had a dream of being an engineer for a racing company. He achieved his goals and learned to type with his feet. He was grateful for his gifts and pursued them. Here is a brief your tube story on him. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-BephrXDwY

Could it be as simple as that? Be grateful for your gifts and give thanks and praise by maximizing the most. The alternative is focusing on what you lack and  feeling badly about it or complaining about it.  Fixing it you say? I would dare say that is a gift...fixing what you or others lack. We can resolve to help those who celebrate Thanksgiving only by our generosity or praying for those who don’t or can’t celebrate it, even if they want to. That is being thankful.

When we tune into the Lord the giver of all good gifts and give HIM thanks and praise our lives become a mirror of that. And what greater joy could our Heavenly Father have than to see you using your gifts and asking for his graces. What you end up doing for HIM and his Glory will in turn glorify you. I would dare say HE delights in this.

So this thanksgiving when you gather around table with the Turkey and the trimmings with family and the friends...pause for a moment and give thanks to God for so many daily things..even the things that seem like they are not good..for behold HE can turn any situation around for your good if you let Him. Invite God in, in your joys and in your pains. It does not matter whether you got yourself into the mess by your own fault or if you are the victim of a senseless act or born a certain way...invite HIM in and what follows from you will surprise you. And please don’t forgot to give God HIS due and Give Thanks.