Praying is an Act of Love

Ahh..another intense and real blog. I thought I would lighten it up with a cute pic. Those that know me know my love for cats.

My faith is very strong but I am not immune to self-doubt. Sometimes I do things that I know will not bring me happiness long term in order to escape pain. Then I attach a divine hope to it and then when it falls apart I blame myself and God for false hope. Crazy yes.

The particular event I am about to share although not pretty is real. After some frustration with missed plans, some champagne, frustration in a relationship and also after a couple of false starts to relationships, and of course the final stages of grieving a failed engagement,  I lost it. I basically had a temper tantrum with God. It was not pretty and I was powerless to control it. 

It had been coming and it finally blew full board. All my positive spins failed as reality stared me in the face. Hope is in the future but hope is also in the present and when it falls apart repeatedly, it can damage your confidence in your self-perception, your judgements and finally your self-worth.

Shocking...that this could happen to me. Shocking that that anger toward God and self could come full board. Just the thoughts and words and what I did with my anger was not only scary but draining. I was trying to control my frustration and how I dealt with it...ie be passive and it sent me careening out of control.

Yes prayer is taking action, but sometimes when it involves a relationship that is causing frustration, we have to assess what we want, what we need and just ask. Its not a demand, it should ideally not be expressed in the throes of anger, although anger signals something is wrong..a need is going unmet repeatedly but it does need to be said. It triggers a sweet melody of a song I have enjoyed in the past...say what you need to say.

After anger becomes apparent, I need to assess, if passive and prayer has not worked for me then I have to take the next step and address my needs in the most positive way I can. Will they meet my needs? Maybe, maybe not but at least that cycle will end.

Furthermore, what shocked me the most about this tantrum with God and trying to control my disappointment was what happened the next day. Underneath all of that was very real hurt and fear. I was deeply hurt and I was afraid of being hurt again..very afraid of being vulnerable and expressing my needs with someone new. But I was taking that step...and the hurt and fear surfaced.

The next thing that happened was even more shocking. I flippantly disregarded my tantrum and what that meant of what I thought of ME until mass came. As I typically do, after communion, I began to pray for friends and I picture them in my mind as I pray. By the time I was at my second friend, I started  sobbing...being at mass with a bunch of people I don't know, I  tried to channel it without causing too much commotion.

Why was I sobbing? Because I suddenly realized the good I have done. That God's grace thru me has touched so many people on deep levels and how on earth could I think my life did not matter? How much pain that would cause and the deep self- reflective despair.

How could I think and feel that way toward myself? Hurting me was in essence hurting all those I loved. And this was pointed out in a huge way just by going to pray.

And I realized that praying is talking, thanking and asking God to help those in need. Some are dear friends and some are no longer in my life, some are in another world and some are still here working it out. And of course I pray for me. In that act of prayer, I am expressing confidence and love toward my maker and I am expressing love and confidence for the people I am praying for. 

I never knew that praying in humility and confidence was one of highest acts of love you can give. You remember what God has done for you and others. Specifically, how he has blessed me and others. I remember how I have touched and been touched by so many people and that in turn helped me recognize in just as a reflexive reaction as my temper tantrum...my own humbling self-worth.

Thank you God for being patient and merciful and loving. Thank you for teaching me the value and worth of each soul including my own. And thank you for teaching me to pray and deepening it for me...as I recognize now that Praying is an Act of Love.

Peace Be Unto You

I was going to write about another topic but decided this one was far better given the Easter season and what has inspired me.

When Jesus came back after the resurrection, the oft phrase he used in greeting and leaving was "Peace be unto you." I won't be getting into the theological significance of that but instead a share one view of a personal experience I am going thru.

My journey the last year has been unique and interesting. I had and came out of one of the more significant relationships in my life. My tenacity and intellectual desire to fix what was not right came out in a big way. But something that needs to be fixed repeatedly is simply something that at best does not work and at worst is broken.

I learned that all that glitters is not gold. I learned that fast is not good.  I learned that ignoring my intuition is not good. I mistook desire and need for love. I learned that God indeed speaks to us and cares and that I finally had the courage to listen and act. I am learning to trust that what God has in mind for me is much better. I am learning by experience that 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is true.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

In the midst of this process, God was and is weaving something else for me. It was something I could not have foreseen. It is something that began and grew under the most unusual of circumstances and kept growing in the silence of my struggles. It is something that survived my grieving and eventual loss of my prior relationship.

It quite simply was a friendship that was blooming, and the peace that came from it as the value, care and freedom afforded it manifested itself was not anything I had experienced before.

No one knows what the future holds. But I am grateful that despite all my struggles this last year, that one strong and unwavering light still burns brightly. I am grateful that I can experience freedom and yet feel valued and wanted and supported. 

And most of all I am grateful that God is in charge and not I. May HIS will be done, and may you too surrender to HIS will and experience many precious and very sweet moments of peace. May they grow to be permanent no matter what the circumstances or what you are feeling at the moment. Because what he is weaving in you and in all of us if we trust and follow is Gold, a pure heart of Gold for HIS glory. Peace be unto you.

Happy Lent!

The Catholic liturgical calendar has a rhythm. And although every year we celebrate everything all over again, Lent on Ash Wednesday does not start on the same date and hence Easter is not on the same date.

This year in 2014, Lent started a little late, and I am grateful it did. This Lent does not have the same meaning for me as it did last year. Last year I saw it as just temporarily giving up certain things. This year I saw it as drawing even closer to God by yes giving up things but also giving and getting Closer to God with spiritual practices. 

First, I have been going to confession and adoration once per week. When I broke that rhythm, I actually felt off. Second, I am giving up sugar, and alcohol. A side benefit is it had helped my waistline Thirdly, I am also eating moderately and volunteered in Skid Row to feed those who go hungry more often that not. I also gave out packets of water and snacks to those I find begging and money when I did not have it. I made me realize how often I have gone ignoring those in need. Praying for them is essential but when you can give something, it feels really good.

This Lent I gave up some thing I did not know I would and even withdrew my facebook account. It actually feels so liberating, I may do it past Lent. All the unexpected giving up has been liberating. A sure sign I am going in the right direction. And praise be to God so many wonderful doors are opening.

Lent has taught me that at the heart of love, along with passion, attachment and forgiveness is sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice? What am I willing to sacrifice? Are there limits? 

If you choose freely to love without limits, it is then that we are in true communion with God and love. The rich fruit will be there if you give up what limits your capacity to love.

Some of the fruits so far of this Lent for me have been joy and peace. Trusting in the Lord 100%,  I know that my actions and the actions of others will always lead to truth and love. Relationships like the liturgical calendar have rhythms too, and eventually the music becomes clear what purpose the relationship has or had.

This Lent has also been trying, as there are moments in trials that I realize that I have even more growth in that deep confidence in God and letting him lead the way.

Leaning on God draws me closer to who I really am and that is a beautiful place to be. It lets me know I am justified for my needs and that God will provide amply if I just lean on and trust in HIM. It is has also been a big blessing when I see the signs thru others and my spiritual director of what real love looks like. It has also been a time of grace for my friendships as well.

Deep faith and deep trust in God is a rock to lean on as it buoys us in the opportunities and joys and sustains us and gives us hope in the losses and sorrows. In each event we draw God/Love closer to us and are sanctified as we celebrate each moment of this passing life.

As we embrace this last two weeks of Lent, let us keep the faith. Next week is the most trying, the most beautiful and ends in the most Glorious and I feel blessed to celebrate that in communion with my family in Peru.

This Lent, finding God in the every day and every moment has brought me joy and peace. And I can end with one scripture I find inspirational...Matthew 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Happy Lent!

Love is Enough

As we start the new year, all of our goals and wishes really surround our desire for more joy and I don't know anyone that does not need more love in their life. 

A friend recently told me of a failed romance that sometimes Love is not enough. He said it as if mimicking something some therapist or wayward counselor had told him. Let's examine that statement.

If Love/God is not enough than that invalidates Jesus love and sacrifice redeeming us. His LOVE is not enough? He loved us first, suffering pain, humiliation, giving up everything in this life for love of God and ultimately love for us. When we let this love in, we are touched on such a deep level we love back. It is the natural response. However, He gave all and loved us first.

Is a mother's love not enough for a child? A healthy and instinctual mother will love a child unto her death. Is a husband's love not enough?  A good one will sacrifice to provide materially, emotionally and every which way and will even sacrifice his own life to protect and defend his wife. What woman would ever leave a man that would do this? Not many.

Jesus commanded us to love God and each other as ourselves. He said

"Greater love hath no man than this, that man lay down his life for his friends". John 15:13  How many are friends like that? 

No it's not that love is not enough, it's that my friend did not really love.  Or he did not love the woman he was in relationship with. As a woman we tend to receive and give back the love a man gives. If it's a counterfeit you give then you usually don't get much back. Oftentimes we give up what we can part with what's easy, its when we are faced with difficult choices, choices were even a compromise seems too difficult, that's when we see what love is or what it is not.

But all is not lost because by realizing that it was not love they were pulled necessarily closer to God/Love and in due time they will be strong enough to love the way God intended them to love either in single vocation or with another person where God wills.

This new year if we strive to get closer to God/Love we will naturally grow to the next level of Love. Love is not without sacrifice but it's fruits are unbridled joy and fulfillment both in relationship and individual accomplishment.

As we strive to be in shape and better our appearance. hopefully we do so to honor God and hopefully our mate or future mate. If we strive for an intellectual/educational/career goal we should strive to do this in the service of God and our fellow human beings. One thing is certain some focuses merit a single life vocation and others the married life. We can love no matter which we are called to but we must be intellectually honest and see where our path has lead us and where we want to go. 

Let us choose each day in 2014 to be more disciplined, so we can have more freedom and so we can ultimately choose to love. May God bless you all in your dreams and aspirations this year of 2014, and know that with God/Love anything is possible. Because God/Love is Enough.

AdventURE

This for Christians is undoubtedly one of the more joyous times of the calendar. Anticipating the incarnation of God and what that means is cause for celebration. It is my hope as I relate my personal journey that you can see yourselves in parts and come a greater understanding of who you are and who God is intending you to be.

This Advent season for me had me desire to be closer to God and to love and I finally went to my first ever spiritual direction meeting. For me it was enlightening as it had me assess where my spiritual life was and my current practices and relationship with God and where I want to go. Wow where I want to go. Where do I want to go?

First I can take that literally and say heaven. However, I took it personally..I looked at Jesus on the crucifix and knew what I always wanted was to get as close to Him as possible in this life. Many detours and distractions come every day..and so it takes a conscious effort for me to go back to the goal. There are more moments of silence than I care to admit. Waiting at the checkout line, driving, working out, reading, waiting for an audition. waiting while on shoot,..waiting for you can fill in the blank. In my daily life I do and wait. If I get in the habit of inviting Jesus in the wait, I will then take him into the do.

Oftentimes I have my goals based on my highest desires and that is good. I can stick to those goals if my heart is truly in it..but sometimes with time I find my heart wants something else more and I realign. Whether I stick to some goals or realign others...we have to have patience and perseverance as the choices of others and God's handiwork unfolds. 

I know many times some of my frustrations are with things not going according to my plan. When I set my plan but relinquish control of it to God then I am open to better possibilities. Those possibilities could lead to me to my goal or other goals I did not know were important to me. I can still persevere with my original goal and am learning that it does not all have to happen now and it will all work itself out anyway. As long as my goal is truly something I desire in essence a very high desire that I will meet at all costs then it will happen...if something else is more important than that is an indication that there are limits to my desire. But I learn and reassess and realign. My goal is to eventually have all facets and goals of my life align with what God has in mind for me.

This Advent for me is about planning, waiting and relinquishing control as I get closer to  Jesus and to God. And I am finding that approaching Advent in this way, has led me to the great mystery and that makes it the ultimate AdventURE.

Grow Up In Love

I sometimes dissect meanings of words to lead to some interesting viewpoints. Growing up is one that leads particular credence this season for me. It is my way of processing what happens as God unfolds love in my life. And this Thanksgiving holiday, I am grateful for the grace and insight of this phrase and where it has lead me to.

Growing up sometimes connotes what parents say to their children or what I have said about a past boyfriend. It can seem condescending or mean depending on the tone it is said in or it just a matter of fact. But rarely from my experience has it meant something unequivocally positive. 

Growing up can mean growing towards the heavens or expanding in a positive direction. Literally too we do grow up. But when it is meant for the inside...it can only mean a positive thing. We should always keep growing up..our soul, mind and heart expanding upwards towards infinity.

We all hold on to things and people out of fear and not love. We sometimes depend on parents long after we should depend on ourselves. We grasp and insist on our own way. Often those who claim to love us or that we claim to love the most choose their/our needs and wants over our beloveds. Those who claim to be in relationship will choose what they deem they want without consulting you in crisis moments. We or they too will recoil and withdraw in the face of that abandonment.

And its those times you realize both you and your beloved need to grow up. And sometimes it is apart and sometimes it is in relationship.

The guide should be love. Is it more loving to pull away or more loving to pull towards. Which choice will facilitate both parties growing up? If we pull towards family when they reject us or our beloved is that the most loving choice for both?

Will that allow you and the family member to grow up? It is hard to tease fear out of love but we must because it is by that purifying fire that we do indeed grow up and hopefully grow up in love.

The Season of Gifts

It always amazes me that summer seems endless when you are truly enjoying it, and then all of a sudden we are at the end of the year!

October bring all Hallow's eve and the gift of Saints. The personalities and their lives are varied but the one common thread is that they reach high above the earth and bring courage, love, humility and a reign of new miracles that complement the miracle of life we take for granted too often. Their example points us above and shows us what we are truly capable of - what a beautiful gift.

Then before you know it we come to the American holiday of Thanksgiving. This holiday is all about being thankful for the gifts we have. Those gifts may include family, friends, a loving spouse, children, health, food, material goods, a job, intrinsic gifts we have, or a faith that is so strong that even if we don't have the normal blessings listed - we know His providence still will shine the choicest blessing on us. What a gift to reflect on how much there is to be thankful for. It is such a blessing to do this that we should aim to do it daily. For everyday has gifts galore and in the most unexpected ways.

Then comes my favorite month, December. It is a glorious excuse to shower the people you love, the people that need love and everyone that comes your way that month with all kinds of gifts unique to the season. Extra kindness, patience, smiles, embraces, kind words, cards, gifts you buy and gifts you make. It is the season of gifts commemorating the greatest gift we have ever received. That our creator, our God, came to us in the form of a human, a man, and showed us how to love. Yes he redeemed us with his sacrifice and example, but he also redeemed us by showing us that love can be terrifyingly beautiful beyond what we could have imagined. The cross shows us how beautiful Love is and what men are called to. It is ironic that what seems like self sacrifice and denial is exactly what fulfills and lifts a man to a higher station. The gifts literal and symbolic this month are the most beautiful gifts of all.

May we all embrace the fall and winter seasons and the gifts that can transform us as we head into the new year. May we embrace the the season of gifts.