Gracing Past the Uncomfortable

This past Monday we celebrated Martin Luther King day. Many of us saw this as a welcome 3 day weekend. It was a pause from our structured and compensated work. However, this day was so rich with symbolism.

It is the story of how a courageous Christian man responded to suffering with a vision and endured through suffering. He paved the way to a richer joy by transforming our view of the world and healing us. It's true, we all can't be Martin Luther King nor would many of us want to be:-) Yet, we all do encounter suffering in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. The question becomes how do we respond? In this query I will focus on how we respond to others suffering. Although, how we respond to others suffering may be a reflection of how we respond to our own.

Our faith and belief system tend to focus on the positive and happy in life. Curiously, we often want to pretend or wish away not only challenges but downright suffering in life. Perhaps the challenge that has weaved in and out of my life the most is how to respond to suffering. Suffering can range from the homeless person who begs for money to a long lost friend who throws you a huge curve when they display their pain.

A friend I recently made had the insight to say that one of the reactions we have in order to shield ourselves from this suffering is to get angry and categorize people who are in unfortunate circumstances. I certainly have done this at times. Especially when it involves someone I know, and I see the folly in their ways. I tell them to pick themselves up and march on and do the right thing. I compare them to myself and say if I have done it in my circumstances then they surely can.

In this journey with God, two opportunities recently came to respond in a different way. Both were friends whom I had either little or no contact with. Before Christmas, I sent out a mass email to friends asking for their home addresses so I could send Christmas cards. One friend responded with an email that I will assign the pithy title of "life sucks" to. In this email, he elaborated that because of his mental health issues his wife and children wanted nothing to do with him and that he had no friends and can't afford the money for meds. Too, he believed that God was not helping despite his pleas. Ironically he also did not believe in hell.

I vividly remember reading this unwanted email and at first thinking..what the hec WHO is this?! Then upon realizing who it was, my wall came up and I thought..oh know I don't have time to deal with this. It's futile anyway, and he needs to get past this. With God's grace these initial thoughts melted away, and I responded by getting involved in his cry for help.

One thing led to another and I sent him a spiritual prescription for mental health. He informed me it was just his luck, that his printer couldn't print it up despite it being technically in perfect working order. I stepped it up and printed it myself and mailed that along with a book I thought he would enjoy as a Christmas gift. I also promptly enlisted the prayers of a friend and requested that her order add him by name to their prayer list. Recently, he has told me he feels he has been healed with the appropriate caveat that only time will tell. He also realized his family needed to heal before they could be reunited. It was heartwarming to be able to see him be able to say this.

The next friend emailed me out of the blue after 7 or 8 years apologizing for getting mad at me. Quite franciscally (feminine version of frankly), I couldn't recall what the incident was but knew it had something to do with my faith. I surmised he was going through some spiritual awakening. If I had thought further about at the time, I would have realized that these type of things don't just happen to an atheist unless grace through suffering has entered the picture.

As we exchanged some emails, he finally disclosed he had suffered a stroke a year and half ago and was not the man I knew. The judgements in my mind came. His disconnected emails and queries where a nuisance but I kept responding. We finally talked on the phone, and I realized his lonely plight and need. He had very limited family but plenty of money. With these circumstances, he had lots of interested helpers but few real friends. My heart opened and the communication flowed more easily. His recovery map is long and unpredictable but with prayers and grace, I have hope he will recover sooner rather later.

In developing friendships with those that were initially uncomfortable for me, I am finding transformation. What I thought would be too difficult is proving not only to be easier than I anticipated, but joyful in a very unique way. The bonds are special because the need opens a place in both hearts rarely reached in other ways. Consequently, we both are profoundly influenced.

Ironically, we deepen our joy as we recognize and embrace suffering. Certainly there is no joy in trying to ignore it. It may also be that the design of our wonderful world has ways to yield beautiful fruit even in things we find initially distasteful. May Jesus help us recognize Him in all of us, and especially when HE and we suffer. Joy awaits us as we are gracing past the uncomfortable.

Designed to Give

Most of us have heard of the seemingly trite saying it is better to give than to receive. Some of us already know this is true but some of us may not believe this is so. Its embarrassing to be immersed in a time where we focus on the receiving. We are lauded for looking out for ourselves. Perhaps one of the worst forms of focusing on the receiving is when you ask questions like what kind of presents am I getting? How much attention am I getting? How much love am I being shown? You focus on this too much and you can create a living hell.

Focusing on the receiving can be more subtle as well. Sometimes we don't want to put ourselves out by traveling too far or having to deal with uncomfortable circumstances unless remuneration is involved. In this culture, sometimes, we are looking for a windfall or take advantage of the goodwill of a friend. We want to negotiate the best terms at work, in relationship or with something we purchase or services we seek. So what are the fruits of this focus? When we succeed, although it may seem like we are winning, are we really satisfied? The questions can come..could I have gotten more? What else could I have gotten or what can I get next? You see the gap between more and infinity is so huge..you will never catch up!:-) Such is the plight of focusing on the receiving.

There are two types of giving as well, namely, the reciprocated and the charitable give. Examples of the charitable give do not include the tax-benefited Good Will donation:-.) Examples of the reciprocated kind are an exchange of gifts or alternating visits or dinners or anything that involves some equal give and take. Exchanging Christmas presents is nice, but that's not really what happened that first Christmas back in Bethlehem. The three wise men came bearing gifts. I don't remember them saying anything about Mary and Joseph giving gifts back let alone the baby Jesus doing so.

This past Christmas I sent Christmas cards, exchanged Christmas gifts, and celebrated in the company of friends. All of it was enjoyable including the giving and the receiving. However, deciding to volunteer at Little Sisters of the Poor and then magically and spontaneously deciding to pack some gifts for the residents there ended up being the most joyous part of my entire Christmas.

There are a variety of reasons why this might be. For one my giving was unexpected and assuredly unreciprocated. The only judgement and reaction to my gifts was one of surprise and gratitude. I gave without pretense and the motivation came straight from my heart. Not that this wasn't the case when I gave to family or friends but I did think a lot about how the gift will be received. I also at the very least thought subconsciously about what I may or may not receive. I'm sure I gave freely and lightly to the Little Sisters of the Poor for these and probably many other reasons.

Giving is a symbol of what we value, and it is obviously more than material. It can be in the form of our time, our care, our finances, our service and our love. Of course cultivating and caring for family and friends is important and in many ways more challenging than charitable giving. However, after my experience this past Christmas, I have to wonder if we are designed to receive the greatest joy in unreciprocated giving. And if so then why not share this joy with family and friends and invite them to celebrate in this joyous reality. Who knows it may even strengthen those bonds.

As we embark on the post Christmas season marked in our faith as ordinary time, let us take this joy and spread it throughout the year. Lets share it with those most dear to us. Let us always remind ourselves that the greatest joy is when we do what we are designed to do. And as God showed us through Christ, it may be that we are also designed to give.

New Years Resolutions

1 John 4: 19 – 5: 4 “Beloved, we love God because he first loved us….This is the commandment we have from him: Whoever loves God must also love his brother…”

We have such nostalgia and hope as we finish a year and enter a new one. As we review our year, we look at the aspects of our lives that are important to us and evaluate them based on our needs and wants. We relish in the positive that happened in the year but also focus on whats lacking.

Its the whats lacking that provide the greatest opportunity for growth for us. Some of our goals are superficial. Losing weight, a toned body, improving your health, getting out of debt or making more money, getting a job or a better one, buying a house, making more friends, etc. It focuses on what we have to do or what we have to change and in order to fill the lack. For others new goals just give us a sense of purpose or continue to pursue self improvement. There is nothing wrong with these but sometimes it is best to go deeper to find the true lack.

Whether you have new years resolutions or not, the end of the year is just such a natural time to re-evaluate our lives.For me this is certainly the case. It always happens that I reflect on relationships. This year was no different but my new years resolutions are different. The passage I referenced at the beginning of the blog is the basis of my new years resolutions. As we approach the end of the Christmas season, I continue my reflection on my relationship with God. For in honoring and developing the relationship with Him, can we begin to develop the virtue of true love for others.Focusing on His love for us can not only save us but provide us with the ultimate joy and peace.

So what of my new year's resolutions? Well it focused on how and what gifts the Lord is leading me to explore. These will develop and may morph as I let Him lead me but it begins with exploring voice and music composition through taking lesson and classes, practicing with friends and going public with it.

It focuses on the gifts necessary to be public in ministry and not just private. Another is to honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. To study and learn more about the inspired word, it's purpose, its authors, the history and the language (Greek for the new testament). To devote daily a little time to everything that brings me joy, to have joy in all the little things I do daily and that starts and ends with my relationship to God.

As we reflect and bring on a new year may we know that Love is always there and our purpose is to constantly develop our capacity to receive and give it. Receiving does come first. For if we truly are open to receiving God's love, the giving of that love will surely flow. And that is always a good new years resolution.:-)

El milagro de amor

There are 3 competing events of late and likely more to follow which means the blogs may be once a week now as we head into the new year. The first muse happened last week and involves romance which is perhaps an appropriate last muse of the year.

A lifelong query of mine has been why, when and how does romantic love happen? Two friends this year reacquainted themselves with an old high school friend or beau fell in love and in short order married. Another friend married at 58 for the first time ever this year as well. However love graces souls, it seems apparent that it cannot be planned, forced or willed into action.

As Americans we live in the future so much. Planning our careers, when the right time to marry is and with what kind of mate, when is the right time to have children and how many? What married life looks like and how much work it will be. We plan to buy a home, go on vacation and what to do on that vacation. We plan for retirement and some even for our death. Sure wrenches come along the way but we by and large feel some sense of control over our destinies or at least it seems this way. This illusion is very strong until one day a marriage ends when it wasn't based on love, a health concern forces us to reevaluate our lives and change careers, or the unexpected choices our child makes leave us heartbroken.

Perhaps the one thing that has eluded me which I have tried to systematically plan for forever it seems is romantic love. In the past I set a time frame around it. When that didn't pan out, I read countless of dating books. I have even gone through phases of treating dating as a part time job by going all out on all venues of dating and lining up dates for weeks on end. I went thru many years where I unwittingly had a boyfriend October thru Valentine's. Once I recognized this pattern I stopped. Needless to say the biological clock led to crazy overtures from saying novenas to vehemently trying to and successfully catching bouquets at both weddings I attended this year. This year I also dated with purpose and tried to will something into being. In the end however, choosing anything over love seemed wrong. Sure I have found plenty of guys who grew infatuated with me and thought they wanted to marry me, and I have fallen in infatuation a couple of times with guys who were not really available to me. In the end, however, that mutual romantic love just never happened.

My self analytical inquiries have been exhaustive. I am too picky. I am not ready. I set impossible standards. I have to high a moral code. I don't give guys a chance. But by far the worst has been, I can't love and commit. Others obsession with my singleness seems to have taken a life of its own as well as I am mellowing. My family's pressure is one thing and to be expected. But when friends, roommates and even neighbors comment on when will I marry and settle down, I realize my own past obsession has new people that are taking on this role:-)

After all the queries in my head and heart and for all those around me who care and mean well, I have only one answer. It is not in God's will yet and perhaps may never be. A few years ago I went to a church talk and I saw a short video on how to be happy. The one thing that stuck and still sticks is to only marry for love. With that answer, I can honestly say I have never said no to love, it just hasn't graced me yet. And my answer now is that it is in God's mighty hands. It has been all along:-) I now also say that if I am graced by love, I will know when the real thing comes and that gives me peace.

And even though I am inspired by the most unlikely stories of love I have heard yet this year, I must honestly admit I have doubt that that story will one day be mine. So amidst all of this, this beautiful Christmas season, I feel blessed to know one deep and romantic love that will never leave me. Remembering Christ's birth is the miracle of love and may it grace us in all the forms He wills. And may we always remember that Love is indeed a miracle.

A cultural affair

My trip to Peru was an eye opening experience in more ways than one. When one lives alone, one can analyze and tweak one's world view with spiritual exercises or a in a variety of other ways. However, when one is another culture, another continent and country, in a sub dominant language where your family's world view takes precedence..your world can turn upside down.

It's ironic one misses family when in that family all of you individually and collectively simply don't allow the other person to be who they really are. It's almost as if your personality in this particular group morphs into something scarcely recognizable. Somehow I knew this reality would come to pass prior to my trip as I sighed before my departure. My roommate commented and said whats wrong aren't you excited to go and I said yes but....

Now don't get me wrong, the trip in all aspects was amazing. Its just for me to be in some primitive cave woman like existence even for brief moments causes severe psychic pain for me. How could I be dishonest, suspicious and more unsatisfied then satisfied in relationship in a few weeks than I normally am in several months? It's both humbling and humiliating. I have to say we are challenged and experience the most opportunity for growth in intimate relationship whether with family or strangers.

So onto some pleasant experiences and surprises of my trip first. The first would have to be that when I was higher on the pecking order, my family helped out a lot with stuff I had to get done there. So much so that I became more demanding than most human beings have a right to be. Another hi-lite was having such a uniquely fun time at the wedding reception. There is a custom among the young adults with some means there to host a "hora loca" or crazy hour. I was skeptical at first with such a shenanigan but with a little, well more than a little, alcohol, it proved to be the most fun experience of the whole event.

These guys with funny makeup and costumes came out on stilts with long balloons to pass out. They encouraged havoc in dance and action and the spirits ran wild in good fun. I also had the opportunity to dance for 15 minutes plus with my 87 year old uncle. He had seen me dance down to the ground and slowly dance back up prior and proceeded to do the same more than a few times. I was impressed but also scared! To see the spirit of love rise in his heart and have faith in it was touching.

Another pleasant surprise was a response from a business owner whom I contracted some 10 sessions of treatment with. Because I became ill, I wasn't able to go past 4 sessions. I decided to talk with her regarding the situation and how we could resolve it. She immediately offered to give me a full refund, I protested since this was not fair, I had used 4 sessions. She agreed and quickly refunded me the 6 sessions. It was probably a combination of factors that led to her decision. Perhaps a main one was the goodwill established by my cousin being a frequent customer of hers. I was grateful and thankful that such professionalism existed despite the tales of woe about business and strangers my family had filled my head with. The first story came as soon as I landed in Lima.

Lastly, my trip to Cuzco and the Inca trail was amazing. The challenges started early. I had a fever the night before my trip and after the first easy day of the hike, I lost part of a dental filling. As I troubleshooted what to do with others help, I decided to persevere and finish the trail. Coughing and only able to use one side of my mouth, I joked that even under these circumstances one can hike the great elevations of the Andes. My trip ended with a wonderful surprise as the dentist I found was competent, had state of the art equipment, was over the top compassionate in administering the injection, was not pushy in rendering other services and in the end became a friend. We parted in the typical Latin goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

These experiences saved me from the chaos of the cultural affair I was in. As I mentioned earlier I became ill. This happened at the wedding reception. The evening was breezy and chilly and this landed me with a rather severe cold. The end of my trip with family saw me in bed more often than not where fever visited and revisited me. There are few events aside from physical illness for me when I become so egocentric that every lapse of attention and care causes me to recoil. This certainly was exacerbated due to an earlier experience where my patience ran thin with a dinner episode that had me at the end of the pecking order. The fact that I responded in primitive form left everyone all the worse for the experience.

Another humbling experience happened on the Inca trail. In my handicapped state, I was searching for my camera through my backpack and was unable to find it. I searched three times taking just about everything from the pack and opening every zipper. I searched the tent. I then thought perhaps my tent mate had by mistake put it away in her pack since I last remembered it being in the tent. After this failed, I gave into suspicion and thought well someone had to take it..since it didn't just disappear. As illogical as this was, I was perplexed as to what could have happened with the camera. Well my suspicion caught fire by remembering others prior complaints, and I caused an uproar at campsite. After checking all the porters and feeling badly this had to happen, I finally asked to receheck my backpack. This time I took out everything and in a hidden compartment, our trail guide felt a protrusion that seemed like a camera and he finally located the secret zipper. How embarrassing to have caused so much angst among everyone.

This experience can be excused a little more due to the crazy circumstances and being thrust among strangers. In familial or longterm and close friendship, one would think, however, that when you know people well enough and they know you...that you could somehow navigate past the landmines. We think it would be nice if we such perfect control over our will in moments of confusion or doubt. But we don't and I am thankful we don't, because that's how we grow and how we can respond with love.

That love sometimes has to have space, reflection and a seed planted in our heart. That seed for me is so evident but in my cultural chaos I couldn't even think of it. That seed is to see Christ in everyone. I have been graced with the response to His love. And with that grace the seed has begun sprouting. What joy amidst chaos when this seed will one day explode into a passion in our heart. It may not always prevent us from experiencing and reacting to disappointment or pain or loneliness in this world. However, it can transport us to a joy that surpasses those experiences.

May we all grow in Love and in relationship. And may we reflect this Christmas season on the great gift of Christ taking human form to save us by showing us how to Love. And may that Love transport us past all the variations in life which become our cultural affairs.

The Sound of Music

Ambition and prosperity have been both deemed desired characteristics as well as traits to be checked for a very long time in our human story. Those characteristics can be applied in a variety of ways but they all seem inherent and stronger in more of us than others. Throughout most of my life this has been evident in my aim to accumulate wealth and security. Spending time with my family here in Peru, I see it in others as well as myself more poignantly.

For me ever since childhood what has cleansed me of this is my creative pursuits. Music has taken front and center stage in this list for me. Music is a language like no other. We can enjoy music in languages we don´t understand, instrumentally, or a cappella, in opera, and at church. The bible tells us it is a form of praise and prayer. Music can touch and transport our emotions and soul. It can ignite us, make us reflect on memories or love, take us back in time,sadden, anger, and even create reverent awe. As Christmas approaches who can deny the joy and magic of Christmas songs as we bring in this holy season. Our world would be much darker without this glorious language.

This language for me allowed me to express the rawest of emotions in a way that led to pure joy. My faith in this joy met with parental resistance in my youth. I postponed and then abandoned the pursuit as the demands of life catapulted me forward after my mom's passing when I was 16. As the pause happened earlier this year, I opened the door again and found that same joy in a magical experience I had a couple of months ago.

As my ambition and drive led me to the beginning of my spiritual exercises in September, doors opened that I had scarcely pursued. I met with a coach a friend insisted I meet even though this was not the path I wanted to be on. After that meeting she put me in touch with a busy fellow musician, Jeff, who had been working on music for quite sometime. At his initiative, I met with him once and after we spoke he recommended I volunteer for a non-profit he and others had founded. They put on an annual fundraiser that contracted some famous older talents. This particular year it was English Beat. I accepted the invitation to volunteer and was quickly put in touch with the volunteer organizer for the event. I was put on the merchandise table and as I browsed the other positions I noticed a position where someone would be in charge of the band. I noticed another name there and surmised it had been a longer time volunteer or associate in this position.

As concert time approached in mid-October, I became excited with the prospect of just hearing the band. After mass that Sunday and the reflection on the theme of my spiritual exercise, I found myself running late and I had to scurry to make the event on time. I approached the coordinator and introduced myself and asked how I could help. He instantly decided and pointed at me and said I want you with the band and asked if I would like that? A rhetorical question of course!:-) I accepted and was quickly in awe of the events as they had transpired. My fellow volunteers and Jeff the musician who arranged for me to be on the volunteer list to begin with were equally amazed.

As I catered to the band and talked with the musicians, the lead singer and the group coordinator, I gleaned an inside perspective into the organic, unpredictable and faith based journey they were on. The party they were on would one day close and with this knowledge, those that had not accumulated wealth in the process were constantly looking at other avenues to make a living with their gift. It also gave me an side look into the how doors open and how misplaced jealousy impacts relationships. This gift of bonding with them also brought me a peaceful joy I hadn´t experienced since childhood.

As my time with family here in Peru concludes and I get ready for my back packing trek across the Inca trail, I hope I can once again allow God to guide and lead me in the joyous exploration of one of the most beautiful languages we have. May the sound of music this advent season fill your heart with the awe and wonder of Christ´s joy, peace and love.

An angel in our midst

Sorry for the largest delay yet in blog entries. There are many reasons for this but one in particular I will address in the music blog which will follow this one. This morning's mass made this blog entry necessary at this time.

Last night, I was on a date and I had an all too familiar conversation with someone where we talked about love. We talked about what makes a marriage happy and agreed that it was when both people focused on making the other happy. Later however it turned to loving yourself first. How we came back to loving yourself first I couldn't understand and I disagreed. We shouldn't hate ourselves obviously, but love only grows from expansion. In prayer, we receive God's love and it expands us to love one another, and when we are loved, we love and the cycle continues. Focusing on yourself doesn't do this. I had thought specifically of a woman, Kathy Jones, whom I had met recently who had exemplified putting others first not herself.

I was recently confirmed thanks to Kathy's initiative. The details that follow are necessary so you get a picture of who Kathy is. About six weeks ago, I had the great privilege of meeting this amazing woman. I had known her before as a name and a face in my parish but had very little personal contact. The contact became very personal as I called the religious education office to find out how I could go about getting confirmed. They referred me to Kathy Jones and I left her a message. She was the religious education coordinator.

Kathy called back a few days later and apologized for the delay. She said she was frantically getting the 8th graders packets ready and would be working into the night. She coughed a lot through our conversation. She initially suggested RCIA as an avenue for confirmation. However, that was not the best option for me since I would be taking a 3 week trip to Peru and this would interrupt the process. So she investigated and hounded the archdiocese office to get the information she needed. Finally, she found another option for me. A two day class was available but I had to get the dates and certificates of my baptism and first communion as well as be interviewed by her and the priest.

In the conversations that followed she kept coughing. I then said well I hope you feel better soon and can get rid of this cough. It was then she informed me she had lung and lymph cancer. I apologized and she said it was OK. We then met and I was further amazed me with her dedication. She doted on me and brought me coffee and cookies. She wanted to know my spiritual journey in detail and listened very attentively. She wanted to make sure I got involved in the parish, that I had a sponsor, that I meet with the priest and I get all the paperwork in on time so I could qualify for the two day class through the archdiocese. Her warmth, sincerity and involvement were touching. The fact that she was as sick as she was, made it almost seem miraculous.

She called 2 to 3 times a week and sometimes more during this process to keep me abreast of the progress. She even went as far to call me when she took a week off to attend to her daughter's wedding. I told her it wasn't necessary but she still did it anyway. She dropped off a book on saints names to help me pick out a name. She then followed up to see whom I had chosen and then made sure she would drop off the name tag reflecting this in time for the ceremony. In reality it was her husband, I believe, that did it while she waited in the car.

Then confirmation Sunday came, November 7th, and I had a very special day. The homily focused on following those still promptings of the holy spirit, and I was excited to get the gifts more deeply infused in this ceremony. Afterward I had lunch with some friends. My sponsor, Tanya was also there. As part of community, it was a blessing to get to know Tanya through my classes. I shared with Tanya, my experience with Kathy. I was in awe and amazement at how she could be this way being gravely sick. Tanya agreed and said "Kathy really does care and you feel it." I said yes in amazement. Tanya said, "It is special to have an angel in our midst."

The week that followed confirmation Sunday had me focusing on personal projects and getting things finalized for my trip to Peru. But a soft yet persistent prompting told me to touch base with Kathy and let her know how my confirmation went. Kathy had followed up after my classes and asked how they were and who had taught them. She also asked me to let her know how the ceremony went. Wanting to share this with her and wanting to return her book, I thought of when and how I would do this. I would do it this week and bring her flowers. I would do it before she called me this time. I would also find out about when the confirmation certificate would come. But the noise of my own immediate concerns drowned out the small voice. And just as softly I noticed that this was the first week Kathy had not called. Friday came and I said to myself well I will definitely do it Monday before I leave for Peru.

This Sunday morning's mass, one week after confirmation, informed me that I would see Kathy on Monday but not quite the way I expected. The mass proceeded as normal and then the praying for the sick and those who passed this week. If I hadn't been listening attentively, I would have missed it. And we pray for Kathy Jones who passed this week. I gasped, oh God, and the tears came rolling down my face. I couldn't stop them for several minutes so I just wiped them away. At the end of mass Father Michael elaborated and said that it is with great sadness that he tells us that Kathy Jones passed away at 9a.m. Friday and the vigil will be at 7p.m. at the church on Monday.

I have to remind myself now what I learned during my confirmation classes. The community we Catholics believe in is not just the community here on earth but the community of the saints and all the souls who have passed before us. I may not have had a chance to say goodbye to Kathy here on earth but I can say hello to her and think of her again in spirit and prayer. And as brief as our acquaintance was, I was blessed to be in the company of an angel in our midst.