Tuesday, December 28, 2010

El milagro de amor

There are 3 competing events of late and likely more to follow which means the blogs may be once a week now as we head into the new year. The first muse happened last week and involves romance which is perhaps an appropriate last muse of the year.

A lifelong query of mine has been why, when and how does romantic love happen? Two friends this year reacquainted themselves with an old high school friend or beau fell in love and in short order married. Another friend married at 58 for the first time ever this year as well. However love graces souls, it seems apparent that it cannot be planned, forced or willed into action.

As Americans we live in the future so much. Planning our careers, when the right time to marry is and with what kind of mate, when is the right time to have children and how many? What married life looks like and how much work it will be. We plan to buy a home, go on vacation and what to do on that vacation. We plan for retirement and some even for our death. Sure wrenches come along the way but we by and large feel some sense of control over our destinies or at least it seems this way. This illusion is very strong until one day a marriage ends when it wasn't based on love, a health concern forces us to reevaluate our lives and change careers, or the unexpected choices our child makes leave us heartbroken.

Perhaps the one thing that has eluded me which I have tried to systematically plan for forever it seems is romantic love. In the past I set a time frame around it. When that didn't pan out, I read countless of dating books. I have even gone through phases of treating dating as a part time job by going all out on all venues of dating and lining up dates for weeks on end. I went thru many years where I unwittingly had a boyfriend October thru Valentine's. Once I recognized this pattern I stopped. Needless to say the biological clock led to crazy overtures from saying novenas to vehemently trying to and successfully catching bouquets at both weddings I attended this year. This year I also dated with purpose and tried to will something into being. In the end however, choosing anything over love seemed wrong. Sure I have found plenty of guys who grew infatuated with me and thought they wanted to marry me, and I have fallen in infatuation a couple of times with guys who were not really available to me. In the end, however, that mutual romantic love just never happened.

My self analytical inquiries have been exhaustive. I am too picky. I am not ready. I set impossible standards. I have to high a moral code. I don't give guys a chance. But by far the worst has been, I can't love and commit. Others obsession with my singleness seems to have taken a life of its own as well as I am mellowing. My family's pressure is one thing and to be expected. But when friends, roommates and even neighbors comment on when will I marry and settle down, I realize my own past obsession has new people that are taking on this role:-)

After all the queries in my head and heart and for all those around me who care and mean well, I have only one answer. It is not in God's will yet and perhaps may never be. A few years ago I went to a church talk and I saw a short video on how to be happy. The one thing that stuck and still sticks is to only marry for love. With that answer, I can honestly say I have never said no to love, it just hasn't graced me yet. And my answer now is that it is in God's mighty hands. It has been all along:-) I now also say that if I am graced by love, I will know when the real thing comes and that gives me peace.

And even though I am inspired by the most unlikely stories of love I have heard yet this year, I must honestly admit I have doubt that that story will one day be mine. So amidst all of this, this beautiful Christmas season, I feel blessed to know one deep and romantic love that will never leave me. Remembering Christ's birth is the miracle of love and may it grace us in all the forms He wills. And may we always remember that Love is indeed a miracle.


Xandria said...
January 30, 2011 at 11:15 AM  

Why have you given up on finding love, Angela? It is like giving up your dreams. What kind of life is that? If you want it you have to fight for it. Don't let your doubts drown your desires and make you complacent. Yes, having God's love and obeying His will are important but if you really want that romantic, intimate, deep relationship of your dreams you cannot give up...I struggle with this frequently but I constantly work on my beliefs, my faith and my intention. I know I will be will be with my true love soon. Does this sound crazy to you? It did to me at first but now I really like it.

Anyways, I read some of your posts and enjoyed them a lot. And yes, they show a lot of thoughtfulness. I can tell this blog is written by someone who wants to live by God's words and principles and is trying to make that happen. Good work and thanks for sharing.
Xandria (from the Greek Meetup)

amusingangel said...
January 30, 2011 at 7:06 PM  

Hi Xandria,

Thanks for reading. I haven't given up on love just given up on looking for it:-) If I am meant to have romantic love, I am sure it will come if I leave it in God's hands. My hands haven't worked so well:-) The desire to seek God has always been there for me...but the fruits I can claim no credit for.

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