Then God made relationships, and they are very good.

The last in the series of Father Tom's talk focuses on our human relationships. I never knew the word relationships would grow to be such a loaded concept. It connotes one of the most basic of human needs, and, yet it can also illicit memories of strife and pain. There are a variety of reasons this may be the case. In this blog, I will focus on one critical aspect. Relationships can either succeed or fail.

There are both positive and negative consequences our actions impose on relationships. We make choices in all relationships whether conscious or unconscious. While it is true that all relationships are unique, according to Father Tom we have the same two choices in everyone of them. That is we either make choices of faith and love or choices of fear and abandonment. It seems obvious what the consequences of both would be, and, yet some of us, some of the time operate as if those consequences don't exist.

All healthy relationships have an overwhelming dose of faith and love. These overwhelming doses can handle the occasional fear and abandonment. However, few relationships can recover when fear and abandonment become the main course of action. Sadly, Father Tom points out there is a point of no return when you go down this path too far and too long.

Not suprisingly, we still look for, cultivate and have hope in the next relationship. The truth is we need relationships. Without relationships Love can't grow. Some forms of relationships are: relationship with God; complementary marriage in both body and spirit; intimate friendship; service in community; and even relationship with pet.:-)

Perhaps, some may point out that putting forth faith and love is risky business, because there is no guarantee the other person will opt the same way. This is true. However, we can feel good about the way we approach relationships regardless of the outcome. We only have today, and today is always a good day to have faith and love in all our relationships. We have no control over tomorrow, and to sabotage today because of tomorrow's fear and abandonment puts us in a less than pleasant place today. Not to mention that we are creating a less than pleasant tomorrow.

The alternative guarentees us failure. In our quest to protect ourselves from pain some of us: create a self protective wall over time to prevent disappointment; try to change the nature of relationships; expect relationships to fail; or try to pretend we don't really need relationships. If you are creative enough, I am sure you can think of countless of other ways to protect yourself. Doing these things, however, is almost a guarantee that realtionships will cause pain. Our hearts are not open, and Love can't grow in a closed heart.

As fragile as our hearts are, they are more resilient than we think. If we are designed to Love, it would have to be so. The fragility is what makes us appreciate our relationships and enriches our lives in its development. Disappointment, hurt feelings and misundersatndings will happen. Still, we are faced with the the same choice. Do we have choose faith and love or do we become afraid and abandon.

In the past, I have tried to follow my heart. When that didn't work according to my own view, I would harden my heart and let ego dictate my final course of action. One example is when I unknowingly hurt a friend's feelings. I could tell she was upset but didn't know why. I asked and she told me she felt abandoned when I didn't get up from the theater and leave with her when she suddenly felt sick.

The story for me went this way. She mentioned she hated the play and asked if I wanted to leave. I agreed the play was bad, but I also had plans to meet friends after the show. She then said she felt sick and was leaving, and I decided to stay.

She later told me she was upset because if the roles had been reversed, she said she would have left with me. I apologized and acknowleged where she was coming from. She, however, needed space. After some time, she still couldn't get past it and called the friendship quits. I hung in there for a little while thinking it just meant a change in the relationship. When the silence became too long, according to my view, I called it quits too. I realize now it didn't have to fail. Too, there is always hope to resurrect the friendship. The only choice I have is over my own hands and with God that is all you need.

There are other relationships that have a more drastic change. We have less control when someone physically dies, or is so sick it seems they have a limited capacity for relationship. I would argue that even in these cases, although the relationship changes, it does not have to fail or die.

One example is my relationship with my mother. She has been gone physically since I was 16 just shy of 17. The intense grieving lasted about 5 years. However, now I realize that the grieving never completely left because I kept believing our relationship had failed and died. It's true that she is not physically here with me. However, every time I remember her or I pray for her or greet her in prayer, I can ackhowledge she still exists. My faith also tells me she will exist physically again.

I now also look forward to celebratring her life and the impact she had on me and others on key dates: like the day she graduated to the next life; mother's day; and her birthday. I wonder, too, how growing closer with God allows my mother to touch me again and makes it easier to recognize there is still a relationship there. Choosing faith and Love(God) ensures that my relationships live on and grow.

Relationships don't have to fail. We just give up so easily. When we give up so easily on relationships, we give up on Love(God). The good news is all relationships can be resurrected:-). It may not happen quickly, but thats ok, we have lots of time when you have forever. We have to remember that although we may turn our back on God (Love), God(Love) does not turn His back on us.

God seeks for us even if our hearts turn hard. The same is true in our human relationships. The other person's or our own heart may be hard. However, if we are called to be in that relationship, in Love(God), we can pray for him or her. We can reach out continually over time. Love trumps ego, and this is blissfully so.

For relationships to fill the desires of our hearts, Love has to flow back and forth and grow. This necessarily means that God(Love) is involved for He authored Love's growth through relationship. Have faith! God made relationships and they are very good.:-)

El día del amor y la amistad: To be loved just the way you are

Ah, St. Valentine's Day is approaching. I can hear the arrow flying now. It is taking a windy journey through the stratosphere looking for open hearts. From my experience, it lands on the fertile hearts of 5 year olds' often.

The following historical article, on the origin and anomalous development of Valentine's day, states that teachers are recepients of the most Valentine's cards and gifts. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day After 7 years of teaching, I can attest to that. This years Valentine's will be sparse by comparison:-).

5 year olds' can teach us a lot about love. They are in the present almost always and are in awe of everyone and everything. They trust implicitly and love unconditionally. They say what's on their minds, which is usually what is in their hearts. They are easily influenced, are quick to forgive and exude enthusiasm. They are so very easy to fall in love with.It's their honesty with everything which can drive you mad and endear you at the same time.

Here we can connect with Father Tom's next theme. From the prior blog, we explored what can happen if we feel and believe in God's unconditional love. If God loves us unconditionally, we can feel safe to be honest with Him, ourselves and others. We can own our anger, fear and desire to control. In the moment we notice these thoughts and emotions ruling us, we can choose to surrender it to God.

Father Tom gave us an example from his own life. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although the chances were small he would die from this, all the people he had known in his past had died from the same condition. Hence, he feared he would die from this as well. Instead of letting this rob him of today and tomorrows joy, he chose to admit it and surrender it to God. He said, God if I am meant to die of cancer then I will accept it. By releasing control his fear dissipated. Father Tom made it clear to us that he did not want to die nor did he not take steps to be healed. He was simply acknowledging his powerlessness over his fear and was letting God be God.:-)

We all have our battles but we don't have to fight them alone. If we invite God into them with us, we have a greater chance at peace. After all, inviting Love in can only be good for us.:-)

This Valentine's day, no matter what love you celebrate, celebrate it with an open and honest heart. You are worthy of love just as you are. So, let God and others love you just the way you are.

The consequences of God's divine love

Competing themes this week as a lot happened. The retreat at my parish given by Fr Tom Allender provided much food for thought, and so I will devote this blog to his retreat. Part of my new years resolution turned out to be the theme of the 3 day talk/retreat.

Diverging from the rest of my blogs, much of what I share in this blog will be a reflection of what I heard from Fr.Tom. Fr, Tom said, if we believe in a God who loves conditionally, we will love ourselves and others this way. If we believe that God only is pleased with us, cares for us and guides us when we do good, then we will treat ourselves and others this way. If we believe in a God who punishes us with silence or distance or criticism and withdraws His love then we will reflect this type of love toward ourselves and others. This type of love makes us fearful of Gods' and other peoples reactions. We can't love unconditionally if we believe God does not love us unconditionally.

As I thought about this I thought about consequences. Consequences can be good or bad. Bad consequences result from poor choices or mistakes. There are consequences to mistakes we make but this does not equate us as being less worthy of being loved. Believing in Karma leaves us with a view of conditional love by the laws of the universe and hence a conditional love by our creator.

Our mistakes, however, are only a small fraction of who we are, and sometimes those mistakes can be a grace for us and others. Yet when we chose to define ourselves or others by these mistakes, then we are damning ourselves. Nowhere is this most evident then with those who are behind bars justly. Even after paying the consequences for their action, they are forever defined in terms of their mistake. I can think of no greater an injustice that is largely ignored. After all, Jesus was condemned a criminal and paid the consequence for his crime during his time.

Sometimes, though, even natural consequences are suspended. Most of us have heard of the chain smoker, like George Burns, who did not develop lung cancer early and die. Then there are those who are health nuts and take care of themselves and die early. If you have enough money you may have had a chance to escape a prison sentence. I am not advocating these actions but just illustrating a point. We can justly or unjustly suffer consequences or even be like Jesus and take on the consequences of others and suffer the penalty. The reality remains we are loved no less, and in some instances may need love even more.

We can see God's unconditional love for us as revealed by Jesus in scripture. Matthew 5:45
..so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Here we are advised to be perfect just like our Father in Heaven is perfect for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good. In other words, He loves unconditionally. But all the reading in the world won't help if we don't really believe in our hearts that we are loved this way by our creator.

It would seem counter intuitive that our God who is unconditional love would not love us this way. We are created as beings who makes mistakes but we know that we are so much more than those mistakes. However, holding onto those mistakes can limit us from being the more that we are. And here is where forgiveness come in and why the Lords prayer helps us be in the moment. We let go of the past and live in the now. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord's_Prayer

This gift of love is with us each and every moment. The more we embrace it the more we become love. And in the words of Father Tom, if we have love then we can give it away. We can't give what we don't have.

It is my prayer that in each moment we open our hearts to God's love, and especially in those moments where we feel we have made a mistake or feel wronged. What a beautiful world this will be when we become the consequences of God's divine love.

Gracing Past the Uncomfortable

This past Monday we celebrated Martin Luther King day. Many of us saw this as a welcome 3 day weekend. It was a pause from our structured and compensated work. However, this day was so rich with symbolism.

It is the story of how a courageous Christian man responded to suffering with a vision and endured through suffering. He paved the way to a richer joy by transforming our view of the world and healing us. It's true, we all can't be Martin Luther King nor would many of us want to be:-) Yet, we all do encounter suffering in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. The question becomes how do we respond? In this query I will focus on how we respond to others suffering. Although, how we respond to others suffering may be a reflection of how we respond to our own.

Our faith and belief system tend to focus on the positive and happy in life. Curiously, we often want to pretend or wish away not only challenges but downright suffering in life. Perhaps the challenge that has weaved in and out of my life the most is how to respond to suffering. Suffering can range from the homeless person who begs for money to a long lost friend who throws you a huge curve when they display their pain.

A friend I recently made had the insight to say that one of the reactions we have in order to shield ourselves from this suffering is to get angry and categorize people who are in unfortunate circumstances. I certainly have done this at times. Especially when it involves someone I know, and I see the folly in their ways. I tell them to pick themselves up and march on and do the right thing. I compare them to myself and say if I have done it in my circumstances then they surely can.

In this journey with God, two opportunities recently came to respond in a different way. Both were friends whom I had either little or no contact with. Before Christmas, I sent out a mass email to friends asking for their home addresses so I could send Christmas cards. One friend responded with an email that I will assign the pithy title of "life sucks" to. In this email, he elaborated that because of his mental health issues his wife and children wanted nothing to do with him and that he had no friends and can't afford the money for meds. Too, he believed that God was not helping despite his pleas. Ironically he also did not believe in hell.

I vividly remember reading this unwanted email and at first thinking..what the hec WHO is this?! Then upon realizing who it was, my wall came up and I thought..oh know I don't have time to deal with this. It's futile anyway, and he needs to get past this. With God's grace these initial thoughts melted away, and I responded by getting involved in his cry for help.

One thing led to another and I sent him a spiritual prescription for mental health. He informed me it was just his luck, that his printer couldn't print it up despite it being technically in perfect working order. I stepped it up and printed it myself and mailed that along with a book I thought he would enjoy as a Christmas gift. I also promptly enlisted the prayers of a friend and requested that her order add him by name to their prayer list. Recently, he has told me he feels he has been healed with the appropriate caveat that only time will tell. He also realized his family needed to heal before they could be reunited. It was heartwarming to be able to see him be able to say this.

The next friend emailed me out of the blue after 7 or 8 years apologizing for getting mad at me. Quite franciscally (feminine version of frankly), I couldn't recall what the incident was but knew it had something to do with my faith. I surmised he was going through some spiritual awakening. If I had thought further about at the time, I would have realized that these type of things don't just happen to an atheist unless grace through suffering has entered the picture.

As we exchanged some emails, he finally disclosed he had suffered a stroke a year and half ago and was not the man I knew. The judgements in my mind came. His disconnected emails and queries where a nuisance but I kept responding. We finally talked on the phone, and I realized his lonely plight and need. He had very limited family but plenty of money. With these circumstances, he had lots of interested helpers but few real friends. My heart opened and the communication flowed more easily. His recovery map is long and unpredictable but with prayers and grace, I have hope he will recover sooner rather later.

In developing friendships with those that were initially uncomfortable for me, I am finding transformation. What I thought would be too difficult is proving not only to be easier than I anticipated, but joyful in a very unique way. The bonds are special because the need opens a place in both hearts rarely reached in other ways. Consequently, we both are profoundly influenced.

Ironically, we deepen our joy as we recognize and embrace suffering. Certainly there is no joy in trying to ignore it. It may also be that the design of our wonderful world has ways to yield beautiful fruit even in things we find initially distasteful. May Jesus help us recognize Him in all of us, and especially when HE and we suffer. Joy awaits us as we are gracing past the uncomfortable.

Designed to Give

Most of us have heard of the seemingly trite saying it is better to give than to receive. Some of us already know this is true but some of us may not believe this is so. Its embarrassing to be immersed in a time where we focus on the receiving. We are lauded for looking out for ourselves. Perhaps one of the worst forms of focusing on the receiving is when you ask questions like what kind of presents am I getting? How much attention am I getting? How much love am I being shown? You focus on this too much and you can create a living hell.

Focusing on the receiving can be more subtle as well. Sometimes we don't want to put ourselves out by traveling too far or having to deal with uncomfortable circumstances unless remuneration is involved. In this culture, sometimes, we are looking for a windfall or take advantage of the goodwill of a friend. We want to negotiate the best terms at work, in relationship or with something we purchase or services we seek. So what are the fruits of this focus? When we succeed, although it may seem like we are winning, are we really satisfied? The questions can come..could I have gotten more? What else could I have gotten or what can I get next? You see the gap between more and infinity is so huge..you will never catch up!:-) Such is the plight of focusing on the receiving.

There are two types of giving as well, namely, the reciprocated and the charitable give. Examples of the charitable give do not include the tax-benefited Good Will donation:-.) Examples of the reciprocated kind are an exchange of gifts or alternating visits or dinners or anything that involves some equal give and take. Exchanging Christmas presents is nice, but that's not really what happened that first Christmas back in Bethlehem. The three wise men came bearing gifts. I don't remember them saying anything about Mary and Joseph giving gifts back let alone the baby Jesus doing so.

This past Christmas I sent Christmas cards, exchanged Christmas gifts, and celebrated in the company of friends. All of it was enjoyable including the giving and the receiving. However, deciding to volunteer at Little Sisters of the Poor and then magically and spontaneously deciding to pack some gifts for the residents there ended up being the most joyous part of my entire Christmas.

There are a variety of reasons why this might be. For one my giving was unexpected and assuredly unreciprocated. The only judgement and reaction to my gifts was one of surprise and gratitude. I gave without pretense and the motivation came straight from my heart. Not that this wasn't the case when I gave to family or friends but I did think a lot about how the gift will be received. I also at the very least thought subconsciously about what I may or may not receive. I'm sure I gave freely and lightly to the Little Sisters of the Poor for these and probably many other reasons.

Giving is a symbol of what we value, and it is obviously more than material. It can be in the form of our time, our care, our finances, our service and our love. Of course cultivating and caring for family and friends is important and in many ways more challenging than charitable giving. However, after my experience this past Christmas, I have to wonder if we are designed to receive the greatest joy in unreciprocated giving. And if so then why not share this joy with family and friends and invite them to celebrate in this joyous reality. Who knows it may even strengthen those bonds.

As we embark on the post Christmas season marked in our faith as ordinary time, let us take this joy and spread it throughout the year. Lets share it with those most dear to us. Let us always remind ourselves that the greatest joy is when we do what we are designed to do. And as God showed us through Christ, it may be that we are also designed to give.

New Years Resolutions

1 John 4: 19 – 5: 4 “Beloved, we love God because he first loved us….This is the commandment we have from him: Whoever loves God must also love his brother…”

We have such nostalgia and hope as we finish a year and enter a new one. As we review our year, we look at the aspects of our lives that are important to us and evaluate them based on our needs and wants. We relish in the positive that happened in the year but also focus on whats lacking.

Its the whats lacking that provide the greatest opportunity for growth for us. Some of our goals are superficial. Losing weight, a toned body, improving your health, getting out of debt or making more money, getting a job or a better one, buying a house, making more friends, etc. It focuses on what we have to do or what we have to change and in order to fill the lack. For others new goals just give us a sense of purpose or continue to pursue self improvement. There is nothing wrong with these but sometimes it is best to go deeper to find the true lack.

Whether you have new years resolutions or not, the end of the year is just such a natural time to re-evaluate our lives.For me this is certainly the case. It always happens that I reflect on relationships. This year was no different but my new years resolutions are different. The passage I referenced at the beginning of the blog is the basis of my new years resolutions. As we approach the end of the Christmas season, I continue my reflection on my relationship with God. For in honoring and developing the relationship with Him, can we begin to develop the virtue of true love for others.Focusing on His love for us can not only save us but provide us with the ultimate joy and peace.

So what of my new year's resolutions? Well it focused on how and what gifts the Lord is leading me to explore. These will develop and may morph as I let Him lead me but it begins with exploring voice and music composition through taking lesson and classes, practicing with friends and going public with it.

It focuses on the gifts necessary to be public in ministry and not just private. Another is to honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. To study and learn more about the inspired word, it's purpose, its authors, the history and the language (Greek for the new testament). To devote daily a little time to everything that brings me joy, to have joy in all the little things I do daily and that starts and ends with my relationship to God.

As we reflect and bring on a new year may we know that Love is always there and our purpose is to constantly develop our capacity to receive and give it. Receiving does come first. For if we truly are open to receiving God's love, the giving of that love will surely flow. And that is always a good new years resolution.:-)

El milagro de amor

There are 3 competing events of late and likely more to follow which means the blogs may be once a week now as we head into the new year. The first muse happened last week and involves romance which is perhaps an appropriate last muse of the year.

A lifelong query of mine has been why, when and how does romantic love happen? Two friends this year reacquainted themselves with an old high school friend or beau fell in love and in short order married. Another friend married at 58 for the first time ever this year as well. However love graces souls, it seems apparent that it cannot be planned, forced or willed into action.

As Americans we live in the future so much. Planning our careers, when the right time to marry is and with what kind of mate, when is the right time to have children and how many? What married life looks like and how much work it will be. We plan to buy a home, go on vacation and what to do on that vacation. We plan for retirement and some even for our death. Sure wrenches come along the way but we by and large feel some sense of control over our destinies or at least it seems this way. This illusion is very strong until one day a marriage ends when it wasn't based on love, a health concern forces us to reevaluate our lives and change careers, or the unexpected choices our child makes leave us heartbroken.

Perhaps the one thing that has eluded me which I have tried to systematically plan for forever it seems is romantic love. In the past I set a time frame around it. When that didn't pan out, I read countless of dating books. I have even gone through phases of treating dating as a part time job by going all out on all venues of dating and lining up dates for weeks on end. I went thru many years where I unwittingly had a boyfriend October thru Valentine's. Once I recognized this pattern I stopped. Needless to say the biological clock led to crazy overtures from saying novenas to vehemently trying to and successfully catching bouquets at both weddings I attended this year. This year I also dated with purpose and tried to will something into being. In the end however, choosing anything over love seemed wrong. Sure I have found plenty of guys who grew infatuated with me and thought they wanted to marry me, and I have fallen in infatuation a couple of times with guys who were not really available to me. In the end, however, that mutual romantic love just never happened.

My self analytical inquiries have been exhaustive. I am too picky. I am not ready. I set impossible standards. I have to high a moral code. I don't give guys a chance. But by far the worst has been, I can't love and commit. Others obsession with my singleness seems to have taken a life of its own as well as I am mellowing. My family's pressure is one thing and to be expected. But when friends, roommates and even neighbors comment on when will I marry and settle down, I realize my own past obsession has new people that are taking on this role:-)

After all the queries in my head and heart and for all those around me who care and mean well, I have only one answer. It is not in God's will yet and perhaps may never be. A few years ago I went to a church talk and I saw a short video on how to be happy. The one thing that stuck and still sticks is to only marry for love. With that answer, I can honestly say I have never said no to love, it just hasn't graced me yet. And my answer now is that it is in God's mighty hands. It has been all along:-) I now also say that if I am graced by love, I will know when the real thing comes and that gives me peace.

And even though I am inspired by the most unlikely stories of love I have heard yet this year, I must honestly admit I have doubt that that story will one day be mine. So amidst all of this, this beautiful Christmas season, I feel blessed to know one deep and romantic love that will never leave me. Remembering Christ's birth is the miracle of love and may it grace us in all the forms He wills. And may we always remember that Love is indeed a miracle.