New Years Resolutions

1 John 4: 19 – 5: 4 “Beloved, we love God because he first loved us….This is the commandment we have from him: Whoever loves God must also love his brother…”

We have such nostalgia and hope as we finish a year and enter a new one. As we review our year, we look at the aspects of our lives that are important to us and evaluate them based on our needs and wants. We relish in the positive that happened in the year but also focus on whats lacking.

Its the whats lacking that provide the greatest opportunity for growth for us. Some of our goals are superficial. Losing weight, a toned body, improving your health, getting out of debt or making more money, getting a job or a better one, buying a house, making more friends, etc. It focuses on what we have to do or what we have to change and in order to fill the lack. For others new goals just give us a sense of purpose or continue to pursue self improvement. There is nothing wrong with these but sometimes it is best to go deeper to find the true lack.

Whether you have new years resolutions or not, the end of the year is just such a natural time to re-evaluate our lives.For me this is certainly the case. It always happens that I reflect on relationships. This year was no different but my new years resolutions are different. The passage I referenced at the beginning of the blog is the basis of my new years resolutions. As we approach the end of the Christmas season, I continue my reflection on my relationship with God. For in honoring and developing the relationship with Him, can we begin to develop the virtue of true love for others.Focusing on His love for us can not only save us but provide us with the ultimate joy and peace.

So what of my new year's resolutions? Well it focused on how and what gifts the Lord is leading me to explore. These will develop and may morph as I let Him lead me but it begins with exploring voice and music composition through taking lesson and classes, practicing with friends and going public with it.

It focuses on the gifts necessary to be public in ministry and not just private. Another is to honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. To study and learn more about the inspired word, it's purpose, its authors, the history and the language (Greek for the new testament). To devote daily a little time to everything that brings me joy, to have joy in all the little things I do daily and that starts and ends with my relationship to God.

As we reflect and bring on a new year may we know that Love is always there and our purpose is to constantly develop our capacity to receive and give it. Receiving does come first. For if we truly are open to receiving God's love, the giving of that love will surely flow. And that is always a good new years resolution.:-)

El milagro de amor

There are 3 competing events of late and likely more to follow which means the blogs may be once a week now as we head into the new year. The first muse happened last week and involves romance which is perhaps an appropriate last muse of the year.

A lifelong query of mine has been why, when and how does romantic love happen? Two friends this year reacquainted themselves with an old high school friend or beau fell in love and in short order married. Another friend married at 58 for the first time ever this year as well. However love graces souls, it seems apparent that it cannot be planned, forced or willed into action.

As Americans we live in the future so much. Planning our careers, when the right time to marry is and with what kind of mate, when is the right time to have children and how many? What married life looks like and how much work it will be. We plan to buy a home, go on vacation and what to do on that vacation. We plan for retirement and some even for our death. Sure wrenches come along the way but we by and large feel some sense of control over our destinies or at least it seems this way. This illusion is very strong until one day a marriage ends when it wasn't based on love, a health concern forces us to reevaluate our lives and change careers, or the unexpected choices our child makes leave us heartbroken.

Perhaps the one thing that has eluded me which I have tried to systematically plan for forever it seems is romantic love. In the past I set a time frame around it. When that didn't pan out, I read countless of dating books. I have even gone through phases of treating dating as a part time job by going all out on all venues of dating and lining up dates for weeks on end. I went thru many years where I unwittingly had a boyfriend October thru Valentine's. Once I recognized this pattern I stopped. Needless to say the biological clock led to crazy overtures from saying novenas to vehemently trying to and successfully catching bouquets at both weddings I attended this year. This year I also dated with purpose and tried to will something into being. In the end however, choosing anything over love seemed wrong. Sure I have found plenty of guys who grew infatuated with me and thought they wanted to marry me, and I have fallen in infatuation a couple of times with guys who were not really available to me. In the end, however, that mutual romantic love just never happened.

My self analytical inquiries have been exhaustive. I am too picky. I am not ready. I set impossible standards. I have to high a moral code. I don't give guys a chance. But by far the worst has been, I can't love and commit. Others obsession with my singleness seems to have taken a life of its own as well as I am mellowing. My family's pressure is one thing and to be expected. But when friends, roommates and even neighbors comment on when will I marry and settle down, I realize my own past obsession has new people that are taking on this role:-)

After all the queries in my head and heart and for all those around me who care and mean well, I have only one answer. It is not in God's will yet and perhaps may never be. A few years ago I went to a church talk and I saw a short video on how to be happy. The one thing that stuck and still sticks is to only marry for love. With that answer, I can honestly say I have never said no to love, it just hasn't graced me yet. And my answer now is that it is in God's mighty hands. It has been all along:-) I now also say that if I am graced by love, I will know when the real thing comes and that gives me peace.

And even though I am inspired by the most unlikely stories of love I have heard yet this year, I must honestly admit I have doubt that that story will one day be mine. So amidst all of this, this beautiful Christmas season, I feel blessed to know one deep and romantic love that will never leave me. Remembering Christ's birth is the miracle of love and may it grace us in all the forms He wills. And may we always remember that Love is indeed a miracle.

A cultural affair

My trip to Peru was an eye opening experience in more ways than one. When one lives alone, one can analyze and tweak one's world view with spiritual exercises or a in a variety of other ways. However, when one is another culture, another continent and country, in a sub dominant language where your family's world view takes precedence..your world can turn upside down.

It's ironic one misses family when in that family all of you individually and collectively simply don't allow the other person to be who they really are. It's almost as if your personality in this particular group morphs into something scarcely recognizable. Somehow I knew this reality would come to pass prior to my trip as I sighed before my departure. My roommate commented and said whats wrong aren't you excited to go and I said yes but....

Now don't get me wrong, the trip in all aspects was amazing. Its just for me to be in some primitive cave woman like existence even for brief moments causes severe psychic pain for me. How could I be dishonest, suspicious and more unsatisfied then satisfied in relationship in a few weeks than I normally am in several months? It's both humbling and humiliating. I have to say we are challenged and experience the most opportunity for growth in intimate relationship whether with family or strangers.

So onto some pleasant experiences and surprises of my trip first. The first would have to be that when I was higher on the pecking order, my family helped out a lot with stuff I had to get done there. So much so that I became more demanding than most human beings have a right to be. Another hi-lite was having such a uniquely fun time at the wedding reception. There is a custom among the young adults with some means there to host a "hora loca" or crazy hour. I was skeptical at first with such a shenanigan but with a little, well more than a little, alcohol, it proved to be the most fun experience of the whole event.

These guys with funny makeup and costumes came out on stilts with long balloons to pass out. They encouraged havoc in dance and action and the spirits ran wild in good fun. I also had the opportunity to dance for 15 minutes plus with my 87 year old uncle. He had seen me dance down to the ground and slowly dance back up prior and proceeded to do the same more than a few times. I was impressed but also scared! To see the spirit of love rise in his heart and have faith in it was touching.

Another pleasant surprise was a response from a business owner whom I contracted some 10 sessions of treatment with. Because I became ill, I wasn't able to go past 4 sessions. I decided to talk with her regarding the situation and how we could resolve it. She immediately offered to give me a full refund, I protested since this was not fair, I had used 4 sessions. She agreed and quickly refunded me the 6 sessions. It was probably a combination of factors that led to her decision. Perhaps a main one was the goodwill established by my cousin being a frequent customer of hers. I was grateful and thankful that such professionalism existed despite the tales of woe about business and strangers my family had filled my head with. The first story came as soon as I landed in Lima.

Lastly, my trip to Cuzco and the Inca trail was amazing. The challenges started early. I had a fever the night before my trip and after the first easy day of the hike, I lost part of a dental filling. As I troubleshooted what to do with others help, I decided to persevere and finish the trail. Coughing and only able to use one side of my mouth, I joked that even under these circumstances one can hike the great elevations of the Andes. My trip ended with a wonderful surprise as the dentist I found was competent, had state of the art equipment, was over the top compassionate in administering the injection, was not pushy in rendering other services and in the end became a friend. We parted in the typical Latin goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

These experiences saved me from the chaos of the cultural affair I was in. As I mentioned earlier I became ill. This happened at the wedding reception. The evening was breezy and chilly and this landed me with a rather severe cold. The end of my trip with family saw me in bed more often than not where fever visited and revisited me. There are few events aside from physical illness for me when I become so egocentric that every lapse of attention and care causes me to recoil. This certainly was exacerbated due to an earlier experience where my patience ran thin with a dinner episode that had me at the end of the pecking order. The fact that I responded in primitive form left everyone all the worse for the experience.

Another humbling experience happened on the Inca trail. In my handicapped state, I was searching for my camera through my backpack and was unable to find it. I searched three times taking just about everything from the pack and opening every zipper. I searched the tent. I then thought perhaps my tent mate had by mistake put it away in her pack since I last remembered it being in the tent. After this failed, I gave into suspicion and thought well someone had to take it..since it didn't just disappear. As illogical as this was, I was perplexed as to what could have happened with the camera. Well my suspicion caught fire by remembering others prior complaints, and I caused an uproar at campsite. After checking all the porters and feeling badly this had to happen, I finally asked to receheck my backpack. This time I took out everything and in a hidden compartment, our trail guide felt a protrusion that seemed like a camera and he finally located the secret zipper. How embarrassing to have caused so much angst among everyone.

This experience can be excused a little more due to the crazy circumstances and being thrust among strangers. In familial or longterm and close friendship, one would think, however, that when you know people well enough and they know you...that you could somehow navigate past the landmines. We think it would be nice if we such perfect control over our will in moments of confusion or doubt. But we don't and I am thankful we don't, because that's how we grow and how we can respond with love.

That love sometimes has to have space, reflection and a seed planted in our heart. That seed for me is so evident but in my cultural chaos I couldn't even think of it. That seed is to see Christ in everyone. I have been graced with the response to His love. And with that grace the seed has begun sprouting. What joy amidst chaos when this seed will one day explode into a passion in our heart. It may not always prevent us from experiencing and reacting to disappointment or pain or loneliness in this world. However, it can transport us to a joy that surpasses those experiences.

May we all grow in Love and in relationship. And may we reflect this Christmas season on the great gift of Christ taking human form to save us by showing us how to Love. And may that Love transport us past all the variations in life which become our cultural affairs.

The Sound of Music

Ambition and prosperity have been both deemed desired characteristics as well as traits to be checked for a very long time in our human story. Those characteristics can be applied in a variety of ways but they all seem inherent and stronger in more of us than others. Throughout most of my life this has been evident in my aim to accumulate wealth and security. Spending time with my family here in Peru, I see it in others as well as myself more poignantly.

For me ever since childhood what has cleansed me of this is my creative pursuits. Music has taken front and center stage in this list for me. Music is a language like no other. We can enjoy music in languages we don´t understand, instrumentally, or a cappella, in opera, and at church. The bible tells us it is a form of praise and prayer. Music can touch and transport our emotions and soul. It can ignite us, make us reflect on memories or love, take us back in time,sadden, anger, and even create reverent awe. As Christmas approaches who can deny the joy and magic of Christmas songs as we bring in this holy season. Our world would be much darker without this glorious language.

This language for me allowed me to express the rawest of emotions in a way that led to pure joy. My faith in this joy met with parental resistance in my youth. I postponed and then abandoned the pursuit as the demands of life catapulted me forward after my mom's passing when I was 16. As the pause happened earlier this year, I opened the door again and found that same joy in a magical experience I had a couple of months ago.

As my ambition and drive led me to the beginning of my spiritual exercises in September, doors opened that I had scarcely pursued. I met with a coach a friend insisted I meet even though this was not the path I wanted to be on. After that meeting she put me in touch with a busy fellow musician, Jeff, who had been working on music for quite sometime. At his initiative, I met with him once and after we spoke he recommended I volunteer for a non-profit he and others had founded. They put on an annual fundraiser that contracted some famous older talents. This particular year it was English Beat. I accepted the invitation to volunteer and was quickly put in touch with the volunteer organizer for the event. I was put on the merchandise table and as I browsed the other positions I noticed a position where someone would be in charge of the band. I noticed another name there and surmised it had been a longer time volunteer or associate in this position.

As concert time approached in mid-October, I became excited with the prospect of just hearing the band. After mass that Sunday and the reflection on the theme of my spiritual exercise, I found myself running late and I had to scurry to make the event on time. I approached the coordinator and introduced myself and asked how I could help. He instantly decided and pointed at me and said I want you with the band and asked if I would like that? A rhetorical question of course!:-) I accepted and was quickly in awe of the events as they had transpired. My fellow volunteers and Jeff the musician who arranged for me to be on the volunteer list to begin with were equally amazed.

As I catered to the band and talked with the musicians, the lead singer and the group coordinator, I gleaned an inside perspective into the organic, unpredictable and faith based journey they were on. The party they were on would one day close and with this knowledge, those that had not accumulated wealth in the process were constantly looking at other avenues to make a living with their gift. It also gave me an side look into the how doors open and how misplaced jealousy impacts relationships. This gift of bonding with them also brought me a peaceful joy I hadn´t experienced since childhood.

As my time with family here in Peru concludes and I get ready for my back packing trek across the Inca trail, I hope I can once again allow God to guide and lead me in the joyous exploration of one of the most beautiful languages we have. May the sound of music this advent season fill your heart with the awe and wonder of Christ´s joy, peace and love.

An angel in our midst

Sorry for the largest delay yet in blog entries. There are many reasons for this but one in particular I will address in the music blog which will follow this one. This morning's mass made this blog entry necessary at this time.

Last night, I was on a date and I had an all too familiar conversation with someone where we talked about love. We talked about what makes a marriage happy and agreed that it was when both people focused on making the other happy. Later however it turned to loving yourself first. How we came back to loving yourself first I couldn't understand and I disagreed. We shouldn't hate ourselves obviously, but love only grows from expansion. In prayer, we receive God's love and it expands us to love one another, and when we are loved, we love and the cycle continues. Focusing on yourself doesn't do this. I had thought specifically of a woman, Kathy Jones, whom I had met recently who had exemplified putting others first not herself.

I was recently confirmed thanks to Kathy's initiative. The details that follow are necessary so you get a picture of who Kathy is. About six weeks ago, I had the great privilege of meeting this amazing woman. I had known her before as a name and a face in my parish but had very little personal contact. The contact became very personal as I called the religious education office to find out how I could go about getting confirmed. They referred me to Kathy Jones and I left her a message. She was the religious education coordinator.

Kathy called back a few days later and apologized for the delay. She said she was frantically getting the 8th graders packets ready and would be working into the night. She coughed a lot through our conversation. She initially suggested RCIA as an avenue for confirmation. However, that was not the best option for me since I would be taking a 3 week trip to Peru and this would interrupt the process. So she investigated and hounded the archdiocese office to get the information she needed. Finally, she found another option for me. A two day class was available but I had to get the dates and certificates of my baptism and first communion as well as be interviewed by her and the priest.

In the conversations that followed she kept coughing. I then said well I hope you feel better soon and can get rid of this cough. It was then she informed me she had lung and lymph cancer. I apologized and she said it was OK. We then met and I was further amazed me with her dedication. She doted on me and brought me coffee and cookies. She wanted to know my spiritual journey in detail and listened very attentively. She wanted to make sure I got involved in the parish, that I had a sponsor, that I meet with the priest and I get all the paperwork in on time so I could qualify for the two day class through the archdiocese. Her warmth, sincerity and involvement were touching. The fact that she was as sick as she was, made it almost seem miraculous.

She called 2 to 3 times a week and sometimes more during this process to keep me abreast of the progress. She even went as far to call me when she took a week off to attend to her daughter's wedding. I told her it wasn't necessary but she still did it anyway. She dropped off a book on saints names to help me pick out a name. She then followed up to see whom I had chosen and then made sure she would drop off the name tag reflecting this in time for the ceremony. In reality it was her husband, I believe, that did it while she waited in the car.

Then confirmation Sunday came, November 7th, and I had a very special day. The homily focused on following those still promptings of the holy spirit, and I was excited to get the gifts more deeply infused in this ceremony. Afterward I had lunch with some friends. My sponsor, Tanya was also there. As part of community, it was a blessing to get to know Tanya through my classes. I shared with Tanya, my experience with Kathy. I was in awe and amazement at how she could be this way being gravely sick. Tanya agreed and said "Kathy really does care and you feel it." I said yes in amazement. Tanya said, "It is special to have an angel in our midst."

The week that followed confirmation Sunday had me focusing on personal projects and getting things finalized for my trip to Peru. But a soft yet persistent prompting told me to touch base with Kathy and let her know how my confirmation went. Kathy had followed up after my classes and asked how they were and who had taught them. She also asked me to let her know how the ceremony went. Wanting to share this with her and wanting to return her book, I thought of when and how I would do this. I would do it this week and bring her flowers. I would do it before she called me this time. I would also find out about when the confirmation certificate would come. But the noise of my own immediate concerns drowned out the small voice. And just as softly I noticed that this was the first week Kathy had not called. Friday came and I said to myself well I will definitely do it Monday before I leave for Peru.

This Sunday morning's mass, one week after confirmation, informed me that I would see Kathy on Monday but not quite the way I expected. The mass proceeded as normal and then the praying for the sick and those who passed this week. If I hadn't been listening attentively, I would have missed it. And we pray for Kathy Jones who passed this week. I gasped, oh God, and the tears came rolling down my face. I couldn't stop them for several minutes so I just wiped them away. At the end of mass Father Michael elaborated and said that it is with great sadness that he tells us that Kathy Jones passed away at 9a.m. Friday and the vigil will be at 7p.m. at the church on Monday.

I have to remind myself now what I learned during my confirmation classes. The community we Catholics believe in is not just the community here on earth but the community of the saints and all the souls who have passed before us. I may not have had a chance to say goodbye to Kathy here on earth but I can say hello to her and think of her again in spirit and prayer. And as brief as our acquaintance was, I was blessed to be in the company of an angel in our midst.

The Joy of Divine Love

My very first piece on my feline companions. It never ceases to amaze me how God chooses to answer prayers. Throughout my life it has taken many forms. Early in my faith journey, God choose to answer me directly through very incredible promptings of the Holy Spirit. In other blogs I will share those earlier experiences. Today I will share how subtly and yet powerfully answers come in the most unexpected packages.

Before I begin, for those on facebook, I just posted a couple of pics and a video of Teddie Bear and Emma so you can become acquainted with my furry friends. Emma is pictured here on the blog. Briefly, I will describe their unique personalities and bodies. Teddie is the queen and Emma the princess. Teddie is lean, confident, friendly with all people, stubborn, resilient, completely affectionate and loyal. Emma is chubby with a kind of deformed belly (it appears that utters are hanging from her belly), afraid of all people (still has many moments of being scared of me), sensitive, playful, sweet and affectionate when she is too tired to be scared.

In the beginning, I complained about what I perceived as Emma's faults. She is deformed with the crazy belly and she is a typical scaredy cat who runs away more often than not. A friend who had been the foster mom of Emma and her brothers and sisters when they were wee kittens agreed with me. They botched Emma's spay surgery and she looked weird, even ugly with that hanging bell. It also seemed she and her siblings had been abused as little kittens and this experience seemed to create this constant phobia of people.

God, with his divine ways, chose to communicate to me through my little Emma. As I mentioned earlier, I started my St. Ignatius Spiritual Exercises about 6 weeks ago. A lot of what I ask for and contemplate and meditate on at first seemed counter intuitive to me. This particular exercise was no different. The fruits however are nothing short of miraculous.

I had asked God to grace me with tears and sorrow over my sins. Mind you when I first started asking for these things, I do them quickly and hardly pay attention to them. I then proceeded with some meditations and contemplations and closed with a closing prayer that supported what I had opened with. After the hour was through, I felt some peace and noticed Emma was relaxing close to me on my bed. I got up and decided to cuddle and kiss her. This is par for the course for me. However THIS time, something came out of my heart and mouth that I had never felt before for any living being and hence never uttered.

I told Emma, I love you just the way you are. I love your utters and your very scared and skittish personality. I love you just the way you are. I felt this with such force and passion the words just flowed from my mouth. And as I said this I could feel Emma getting scared, and I literally loved her just that way. As soon as I had become aware of the genuineness of my emotion, I began to cry profusely. How could I have denied myself the joy of love? How could I have denied myself the joy of God? My sins of fear, vanity and pride had insulated me from living in this joy. I thanked God for answering me. As I open to HIM, the pureness of the Love he has placed within us begins to unfold and only our own wisdom and will keeps HIM out.

I wish I could say the struggles are ending, but my entrenched habits seem to be even more powerful at times. May I and we have the courage to turn to God and say NO to the enemies lies of who we are and live in this joy of divine love.

The walk (Conclusion)

Before I conclude this piece, I wanted to apologize for the delay. Some incredible things are happening which I will share shortly. But before the daily miracles unfold, I must conclude this part.

One of the recommendations the priest in Lourdes gave me was to seek a spiritual director. He also told me to look into Opus Dei. However, as is easy to do, upon my return I became extremely busy with getting ready for the new school year. It was a new district and a new program so there was a lot to do. I managed to put a call in to Opus Die and I did not hear a response for awhile. As the silence ensued, one thing led to another and I busied out with the beginning of school of the school year.

October came and I was consumed with a flurry of activity at the school and just as I could take a breather the news came. On October 13th, 2009, I was contacted by an old family friend of my adoptive father. They had been neighbors in Hialeah, Fla for many many years. She did not have my number. I had decided years earlier to keep only a cell number and had disconnected my land line. She was unsure about my address as my surname had changed. Because of my picture on facebook, she finally had tracked me down a year later. Late in the night as we quickly reacquainted ourselves, she told me the news that my father had died in July of 2007. She told me she had found out by accident much later as well.

Aside from shock, his unusual and tragic death sent me reeling into a whirlpool of emotions. Because he had no other advocate, I took it upon myself to investigate the circumstances thoroughly and pay my last respects while picking up his ashes in Florida. For a variety of reasons, at this time I will not share the from particulars of what happened to my father. I will only say that I had no choice put to pursue justice.

The confession and miracle in Lourdes was a preparation for this moment. And there are many reasons this event changed the course of my life. For one, I realized we don't live in a bubble. It is not natural to turn away from God, family and friends but my adoptive father had done exactly this. Self-defensiveness, mistrust, self-condemnation and a destructive manner of relating to those closest to him led him to successfully accomplishing his complete alienation from those closest to him.

In my research of the hospital records shortly before his demise, I discovered for the first time what no-one had known. My adoptive father had a congenital malformation of the brain. Aside from this his brain had atrophied and he had Alzheimer's that developed with age. We had new eyes and sympathy for him. We had ignorantly judged him and made our decisions. And the consequences of his actions led to him being the victim of an unnoticed, disgraced and perilous death.

My emotions sent me reeling. I went from rationalization to grief to second guessing. How could I have known I would be his only advocate? He had blood family and lifelong friends who were his neighbors for well over a decade. Even though you can't have a relationship with someone who is harmful and unequivocally pulls away, I wondered if I should have been a bit more involved. Perhaps, I could have kept in touch with the friend who knew of his whereabouts and just called every so often to see that he was OK. The geographical distance and his unwillingness to give any contact information to me made this difficult. However, more to the heart of the matter was my unwillingness to forgive through the years that had caused my silence. That silence now had caused me acute pain. I was at least grateful that in Lourdes my heart awakened to forgiveness for him.

The complications surrounding his death consumed a large portion of my time and energy for the following months. I also became more aware of my own mortality and realized we don't have any guarantees about how many days we have left. Many life changing events transpired between then and now in part as a result of this, and I finally accepted the pause God wanted me to take in mid March of this year. As I pursued justice and the vocational call to marriage, I made a few more attempts to get in touch with a spiritual director and then finally the door opened.

In late July 2010 I went to a talk on discernment and became aware of a 19th annotation retreat. They said there was an option to do St. Ignatius' spiritual exercises at home in your daily life with the aid of a spiritual director.

I finally signed up a little over a month later in August and met Father Kevin Ballard in early September. Our first talk seemed divinely choreographed. He told me the history of St. Ignatius. He said the Spanish St. Ignatius had had his first spiritual experience in Pamplona, Spain. St.Ignatius then went to live in Montseratt after his conversion. Father Ballard was also wearing a T-shirt from Missouri. This is where a friend had moved to just a week earlier to join an order in accepting her vocational call. I then shared with Father Ballard the details of my trip to Pamplona and Lourdes a year earlier and also a trip to Montserrat I took in 2007. During the discourse, I suddenly felt as though I was exactly where I should be at this moment.

I realize now that my accidental? trip to Lourdes a year earlier was one of God's unceasing ways to call me. This time our heavenly father employed Mary more fully to do His bidding. What Jesus had been waiting for HE finally received..my full embraced Yes! And much to my surprise it is yielding the greatest and most joyous path for me.